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Original poster

Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

257 replies

welshbyrd · 12/12/2010 09:49

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that. Sad
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

OP posts:
tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2010 12:03

Then you need to bring this up with the SW.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2010 12:04

DH stopped fighting for his DD though- that's the problem.

He's not living with his mum now, is he?

ValiumShimmer · 12/12/2010 12:04

I agree mamatomany. 300 on ablackberry for a child who is in foster care is ridiculous. the child isn't taking her dad for a ride, he is selling her up the river.

why can't she just live with you until her mother gets back on her feet? you don't have to go to court and make it all legal and formal! just give the poor child a proper home 'til her mother is back up on her feet.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/12/2010 12:07

Welshbyrd - as I said in my earlier post, your dh needs to start fighting to get regular phone/email etc contact with his daughter - if he isn't even fighting for that, then she's got no reason to believe he wants contact with her, or wants her to live with him, or that he really cares.

He has got to stop the foster family blocking contact - that will show his dd he cares!

Original poster
welshbyrd · 12/12/2010 12:08

valiumshimmer- SS have residency order, so anything we apply for now will have to be in court, DD mother will never get back on her feet, Id love to have her, however she is settled in carers, for 6 years, lives with her brother also settled in school and friend etc, she is doing well in school, need to find out us uprooting her 100 miles from all that she has known is what she wants

OP posts:
Original poster
welshbyrd · 12/12/2010 12:11

We are fighting, infact the fight has been won by us, SS agreed to these things, however foster parents are at best making it awkward, changing her sims in phone we have bought her, saying to SW they didnt fit, even though we tried them Hmmjust so we dont have her number. internet is restricted since us notifying SS to say DD had contacted us, which is fine SW ok with it, but foster parents are making her use laptop in kitchen supervised, which wasnt done before us telling DW about internet contact

OP posts:
Xenia · 12/12/2010 12:14

On the original post why don't you all move near the girl then? The problem is caused because the father moved 100 miles away. She is only 13. 13 is a very hard age to be.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2010 12:15

It is completely unreasonable of you to wait for her to decide what she wants. she's 13.

Undergo a parenting assessment, apply for full custody, and then (when she knows you mean it), DD can decide. Until then, how does she take the risk of saying "yes, I want to live with you", only for it not to happen, or for her dad to change his mind?

I also think it's a bit rich to try and paint the foster carers as the bad guys here. Deal with contact through SS.

mamatomany · 12/12/2010 12:15

So you move back 100 miles and get her living with you, she isn't on the moon it's not mission impossible.
You haven't won anything, get yourselves back to court.

My friend is earning £100 a month too much to get legal aid and is £6k in debt with a new baby on the way and she is still fighting to have her son live with her, she'll never give up and she's hardly been mother of the year in the past but she knows it is the right thing to do, not to give up on her boy.

JuneBugJr · 12/12/2010 12:15

Apologies- I missed that bit.

If you're DH wants to press for more contact. I suppose you're first step would be more telephone contact etc. He needs to keep regular contact with SW, most importantly is putting things in writing- email/letters etc. Foster carers should not be dictating contact, and if they are, the SW needs to know how it's being obstructed, dates times etc. If you still get no joy, a solicitor being involved with contact arrangements will usually get it going in the direction you want.

Regular telephone contact should build up to the next natural step, of her coming to stay more often, and being part of your family if she choses. Obviously you're DH can't change the past but he can do his best now. Best of luck.

Sassybeast · 12/12/2010 12:16

Her father is not fighting for her. He (and you) are making excuses. I cannot believe that your step daughter is living in care and your main concern is about the monetary value of presents. Shame on you and shame on you husband.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2010 12:16

Supervising any 13 yr old (particularly a vulnerable one) on the internet is not a such bad idea; please don't try and twist this.

pink4ever · 12/12/2010 12:19

Have come back on this thread because I am so exasperated by your replies. You seem to be cherry picking the answers you want to give and avoiding the harder questions. I understand about ss refusing your dh custody when he didnt have a home of his own but he does now. Why is your dh only allowed such limited contact?. You talk about her contacting you o.
on fb. Does this mean that your dh did not have regular contact over the last 6 years she was in care and she initiated the contact by using fb?. Also re the foster parents. I understand that they may have built a strong relationship with this girl but what are their reasons for not wanting dh to have more contact? Sounds completely unprofessional and unlike any fp I know?
Why have you not made it clear to ss that you would like at the very least more contact and perhaps the possibility of her spending time at your home(even if it is just weekends),
You seem to be concentrating on all the bad things her mother has done(which I do not condone.Cannot abide junkies) but her father is hardly coming out of this smelling of roses is he?.
Get on the phone to ss and say you want a meeting ASAP.Is the very least you can do for this young girl.

mumbar · 12/12/2010 12:20

thanks mamatomany for suggesting the moving back. It was ignored when I suggested it and its nice to know there are others who think this would be fairest all round.

tomhardyismydh · 12/12/2010 12:20

grow the fuck up and stop using FB to rely on to have contact.

her father is a useless fecker and you are living with him with your children?????
sitting back seeing his dd in care.

LeakMyWiki · 12/12/2010 12:31

Nancy66 you are so right.

How do you sleep? All cosy together with your lovely family and your DSD IN CARE, when according to your posts she needn't be. Foster care is a child in the care system. Do you know how dreadful the outcomes often are for children in care?

more info here

I'm sorry to be so blunt, truly - but your op was NOT about how can I support her, what can we do? It was - is she taking us for a ride? There's only one person here being taken for a ride and that is a vulnerable child. You and her dad need to step up and take action and then do your best to deal with the consequences of the last 7 years.

Vallhala · 12/12/2010 12:33

No wonder the foster parents are inclined to view the father's contact with suspicion. He gave up his child and gave up on his child when she went into foster care and not with him and then he moved 100 miles away. They probably despise him for it and I can't say I blame them, frankly.

I have no experience of SS but I thought that it was their brief to do their damndest to keep kids with their parents, not offl;oad them to care. Surely if the mother is a junkie and the father's only "crime" was to be living with his mother at the time of his seperation from his DW, then SS would have rather worked with the father to facilitate HIM keeping his child? If that couldn't happen at his mother's house then surely he would have been entitled to help via SS and/or the council for housing?

Hmm Confused

Apologies if I'm mistaken here btw.

Doha · 12/12/2010 12:34

This thread makes me sick.

Selfish father and uncaring stepmother.

Get off your ARSES and resolve this now. This poor child has been in care a huge amount of her life. She deserves and should expect the same life as the other DC's in her family.

In a few years time, if not already, she will realise your DH did not love her enough to fight for her.
Stop blaming SS and foster parents and look closer to home.

Poor poor child.

This is so distressing

Xenia · 12/12/2010 12:35

I hadn't read she was in care.Does she want to stay here. Is it her half brother in care with her or is your husband's son with her there?

notjustapotforsoup · 12/12/2010 12:37

Why was contact supervised at one point?

Original poster
welshbyrd · 12/12/2010 12:38

tethersjinglebellend - we are not laeving it, until she is older ehough to make choise etc, we need to talk to her to make sure its what she wants - did state foster parents have done great job with DD, however they are trying to make things awkward for us, while helping her mother, picking her up for contacts etc.Also her internet was not supervised until we contatced SW to let her know she had got incontact with us on FB, we thought we were doing the right thing being honest, instead of having secret internet contact?, after that she was supervised on internet, even though social worker said it was fine, so basically SW said ok, FP making it difficult?why?, SW words, because they have become attached to DD, and help DDmother because she does not pose a threat to them, she is still on drugs etc, me and my husband are in a stable, non drugs, non alcohol, family, so they know we are in a postion to offer DD a home

mamatomany - we didnt move 100 miles, my DH moved 100 miles to be with me, Ive always lived here, we dated for 12 months, regualr contact and he moved here after.

OP posts:
gorionine · 12/12/2010 12:41

welshbyrd Sun 12-Dec-10 10:24:35

"gorionne- yes her mother is uncaring hence why she will never have her daughter again etc. In fact mad as it sounds, foster parents even pick up DD mother for contact at their home, because she poses not threat to them, she is the same person she was when she lost her children, btw DH DD has her DB living with her"

Sorry, at the time I posted I only had your OP to go on and from that could not jump on conclusion mother was uncaring.

From the rest of your posts I gather there is much much mor to the situation and that you genuinly care about your Dh's daughter. Carry on being in contact with her as much as you can. Maybe it is normal for a 13 yo girl to feel more at ease with you than with her dad?

I do not know how it works to get her custody but I think it would be a very good thing to get things started. Even if it takes a lot of time and effort I think the situation as it is for your step Dd is heartbreaking you and her dad CAN DEFINITELY make a difference in her life.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2010 12:42

Why? Why do you need to know it's what she wants before you undergo a parenting assessment? You are being completely unreasonable. YOU are the adults here.

In short, you should be offering her a home whether she wants it or not.

And stop making it the FC's fault, it's ridiculous. There would be no FC in the way of contact at all if she was with your DH.

tomhardyismydh · 12/12/2010 12:43

thats says alot for you tbh. there is no way i would ever ever contemplate beginig a life with a man willing to move 100 miles away from his vulnerable children to be with me.

hifi · 12/12/2010 12:43

foster care is a last resort,she should be with her dad.poor poor girl.
its probably teenage pride she doesnt ask to be with him.what a bloody mess.