Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

Your husband should ring her every day. Not on special occasions. It is OK for you and him and your perfect little family (how she might see it) but think how she feels in care not living with either of her bio parents.

You and your husband should get her out of care and give her the life she damn well deserves.

I would fucking resent it too! Poor girl.

Agree with tethers.

I don't think you're giving the whole story by a LONG way.

It doesn't matter if it's what she wants. She has to know that you've tried. Even if you go all the way and fight and fight and then she says no. She must feel so abandoned.

Your Dh abandoned his DD. He moved 100 miles away, choosing another family over her and leaving her in care. He promised not to apply for custody. That is abandoning her. He needs to grow some balls and sort this fuck up out.

Unless, of course, there is a damn good reason he doesn't have custody.

Where does this brother fit in??

I think you and your DH should stop contact with the child.

Let her have some semblance of a normal life with the FP, where she is loved and cared for.

The rest of you will just f*ck her up more with your nonsense.

He promised not to apply for custody (missed that), to who? to DD? and why?

I really wouldn't respect any man who, given the circumstances you have laid out, wouldn't want and fight for his child to live with him, rather than with foster parents . . .

IF you guys are as keen to have her as you imply, why don't you ask her if she wants to live with you/ask the social services.

I find your listing of the 'material benefits' this child is asking for rather sad and a bit obvious, like you are saying 'look at what she gets from us - but what are we getting back in return?'

What emotional benefits is she getting?

Poor poor child, in care and her "father" has promised not to apply for custody. Why on earth would you want to stay married to somebody who could sit by and watch their own child be put into care whilst being able to offer her a home. You're SD's xmas wants are the very least of your worries.

I could never be with a man who is happy to replace his child with a new family so easily- these things have a nasty habit of repeating themselves. What happens to your DD if you ever split up and he gets another new family? His poor first DD is just a child with neither parent really there from the sound of things.

Its NOT about what ME and DH want, but what is best for DD

She isnt in a bad foster home, in fact she is a member of their family, she is doing well at school, enjoys being with her friends,think outside the box here, WHAT IF? she is happy there? we could be selfish and apply for her without asking her thoughts, but is that not cruel? selfish even, to take her away from a family who have taken her on 3-4 holidays a year, etc a lifestyle that we could never afford to give,without even discussing it with her? because in moral thinking, she should be with either of her parents?

As for not applying for her since myself DH have been together, if he had moved in, and 2 weeks later we apllied for her, we would have been laughed out of court, applying to court with a settled family life, I believe would give us more chance, what if we would have split 2 months later, would that now have been more upset for DD?

Do you really think that a few holidays will mean more to her than her dad not caring enough? This poor, poor girl - she must be in tremendous pain

The problem it has gone on so long hat she is stable. How on earth thoguh did he let it happen - let her spend so long with the foster family bond with them etc. That's presumably how he'd treat the little girl you have with him. So not a man who seems like much of a great father to me.

It seems odd to me that he didn't apply for residency once he had his own place. Very sad for his dd to be treated like this and abandoned by both parents. Also the Ds - whose child is he? If also your dh's then I would be very concerned at history repeating itself with you and your dc but I assume you know that.

I think it's in her best interests to be left with her brother and her FPs who have really become her parents and who she seems to be stable and happy with. But you have to attempt to up the contact and at least offer to have her live with you so that she knows you want her and that she has a choice.

notjustapotforsoup - DH contact for a while was supervised, because when he applied for her while living at her mums, SW asked what would happen if he didnt win her? he replied, stupidly, he would take her, it was an empty angry threat, after time SS agreed it was no real threat, thats why he is now unsupervised

So a pair of FP would want to stand in the way of one of their foster children being with their own parent, and therefore see your family set up as a THREAT?

Surely a FP would want the best for the child and that would be in the home of a blood parent.

I take it the brother of this girl is NOT your DH's child?

So you are OK with living with a bloke who, if you suddenly had a breakdown and lost it all, including the ability to care for your DC, would let your DD go into care for a minute, let alone 6 years?

Just asking...

Also welshbyrd you really did yourself no favours with the title of this thread and your opening op, why would you think that was an appropriate way to think given the circumstances?

he didnt move out of his mums, until he moved here.

We never promised to not apply for custoday, stated if she was happy, settled, with her brother etc, we would not up root her, not we dont want her, if she made clear thats what she wanted, then we would.

littlemiss - yes you would think FP would assist with child seeing family etc, as much as SS has applied pressure, FP are still refusing to sign new contract, not DD brother is not DH, he DID try to fight for his DD, he was not in a stable home, and possibly SS were worried he would retun back to DDmother in time

Was refused contact with DD brother, as DD mother refused it

Let the foster family adopt her.

Will someone please explain to me how a child lands up in foster care (especially for 6 years) when the parents' marriage breaks down merely because the parent who is not a junkie is living with his mother and doesn't have his own home?

I'm not taking the mick, I still don't get why SS would not support the father in having custody of his child and if becessary help him find accomodation and instead would prefer to place the child with strangers.

agreed begonyabampot - I should have typed " to feel disappointed, that step DD, is looking forward more to xmas presant, that contact?"

vallhala - because breakdown literally happened few weeks before, SS were worried DH might return back to relationship with DD mother

WE COULD OF APPLIED FOR DD, AS SOON AS HE MOVED HERE, HOWEVER, HOW WOULD A COURT ALLOW A CHILD TO MOVE TO US, WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER/LIVING TOGETHER FOR LITTLE TIME, MUCH BETTER TO LET FAMILY SETTLE ETC, TO PROVE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORKS?