Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

And now you have proved you are settled, have your own baby etc, so why dont you do it now?

I'll be perfectly honest and say that the present arrangement seems to suit you too much to change it.

All this rubbish about uprooting her from a family who gives her 4 holidays a year, is just that, rubbish. You know as well as everyone else that if you ask a child if they want nice holidays or to be with parents that want and love them, what a child would choose.

Tbh none of your reasons ring entirely true, they sound more like excuses to keep the status quo as you have it rather than make your lives a little harder in the short term to give this poor girl what she needs. My own DD is 13 and I cant begin to imagine how awful it would be for her if something happened to me and Ex didnt want her there. It would destroy her and any trust she had.

Of course she isnt going to come out and say she wants to live with you, she is probably too frightened of being knocked back again as she has so many times before.

I think you should both be ashamed of what is happening to her. If he really wanted her then he would do anything he could and not make crappy excuses.

But all this happened 6yrs ago...

why are they still in care?

Why has the FP been given this position of power over a real parent? Maybe the SS and the FP have looked at DH and found him lacking.

If FP are not playing ball with SS and the contract then WTF are SS doing?

OK I do know of someone who is deeply flawed, abusive and psychotic that has 2 foster children, she does it for the money to the gross detriment of her own DC. I do know that rogue FP exist, but surely if the Father of this poor girl has any moral fibre at all he'd be at least asking some hefty questions of the SS, as to the FP not allowing him contact with his own DD.

As for the denial of contact etc due to your H perhaps getting back together with the ExW.. Surely they could have granted residency with the father on the strict understanding (backed by a court order) that he is not to return to the ExW with the DC until she has been declared medically fit to parent?

What kind of SS would deny a child residency with their own father? On this score, absolutely what Valhalla said.

Welsh, do you know all this first hand, or is this what DH has conveyed to you?

Or your husband could have moved into a property on his own, therefore not throwing any chance of having his little girl back down the toilet.

But he didn't, he chose to move 100 miles away into a situation whereby he couldn't have his child instead.

Nice.

Oddly, I didn't have SS on my tail, taking my children away when my violent husband left, just in case I returned to the relationship with him. I think there's more to this tbh and I also think that Nancy was far from off the mark when she called your DH a cunt.

I'm serious - you want to watch him. It might be your kids next.

YOU don't get to decide what's best for her.

SS do.

You apply for custody, then SS decide if it's in her best interest to live with you. One useful thing they do when deciding this is ask her.

To ask a child if she wants to come and live with her father who has not applied for custody or even undergone a parenting assessment (is this the case? Or has he undergone one and was found to be unsuitable? Be honest) is cruel, and will generate the only answer a child fearful of rejection is able to give- "No".

Ask her the same question once you have actually shown her you are serious by undergoing a parenting assessment and applying for custody, and you may get a different answer. You may not, but the rejection you and DH will feel is nowhere near what she has been feeling since the age of seven, thanks to her mum and dad.

"I should have typed " to feel disappointed, that step DD, is looking forward more to xmas presant, that contact?""

You feel disappointed? I'm sure she feels pretty disappointed that her parents don't love her enough to sort their lives out and parent her, but hey, you feel disappointed.

Staggeringly selfish.

YAB so U I am watching your posts with horrified wonder. That poor child. Sounds like the FP's have good reason to restrict access to an extent. They are thinking of the child who has been let down and neglected by everyone who is supposed to love her. They are trying to protect her from more hurt. Ironic that they seem to care more about her that your 'd'h.

We are in position now to apply for her,
Problem is, do DH mention this to her on Saturday, when contact is arranged, risk upsetting her, her repeating to SS etc, and risk getting contacts supervised again

FFS LISTEN - I CAN NOT REPEAT ANYMORE, WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HER, BUT WE WANT TO MAKE SURE IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS, TAKING HER ANYWAY FROM SOMEWHERE WHERE SHE IS HAPPY, SETTLED, FRIENDS, SCHOOLING, WITHOUT ASKING IF ITS SHE WANTS IS CRUEL

So paxoisevil - why is FP picking her mum up for contacts then? even though when she gets drunk etc, she phones FP up being aggressive?

Maybe they have to? SS decides contact. If the mother actually wants her DD that goes in her favour?

FFS LISTEN - I CAN NOT REPEAT ANYMORE, WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HER, BUT WE WANT TO MAKE SURE IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS, TAKING HER ANYWAY FROM SOMEWHERE WHERE SHE IS HAPPY, SETTLED, FRIENDS, SCHOOLING, WITHOUT ASKING IF ITS SHE WANTS IS CRUEL

It would be, if there was an outsidde chance that that would happen, but thats what SS are for.

You approach them regarding residency, they do initial assessments including approaching your DSD about it and go from there. If she says that she wants to stay were she is then SS will take that into account in their decision. Everyone with an ounce of sense knows that thats what would happen. She would not be forceably removed to somewhere she didnt want to be unless she was in danger, which isnt the case.

I dont buy this rubbish at all, its just excuses.

And FFS YOU LISTEN - are you telling me that moving 100 miles away to live with someone else's kids, thus giving up any chance of having his little girl for some considerable time and thus leaving her in care was not cruel???

I have answered your point, will do it again in bold:

To ask a child if she wants to come and live with her father who has not applied for custody or even undergone a parenting assessment (is this the case? Or has he undergone one and was found to be unsuitable? Be honest) is cruel, and will generate the only answer a child fearful of rejection is able to give- "No".

Ask her the same question once you have actually shown her you are serious by undergoing a parenting assessment and applying for custody, and you may get a different answer. You may not, but the rejection you and DH will feel is nowhere near what she has been feeling since the age of seven, thanks to her mum and dad.

YOU DON"T GET TO TAKE HER AWAY FROM ANYTHING- IT"S NOT UP TO YOU. SS DECIDE IF IT WOULD BE CRUEL, NOT YOU.

DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING TO HER. YOU WILL MESS HER UP EVEN MORE.

You and I both know that you are not going to apply for full custody. Mention it to her, and you become an emotional abuser.

I don't understand.

A man has a child, that child gets taken into care (I'm not really sure why/how), but then instead of getting himself sorted with a place so he can have her (not sure why he couldn't have her at his Mum's house either), he buggers off, 100 miles away, to live with a woman & her kids. Time he has spent 'courting' her, should surely have been spent getting his daughter out of care. They then don't apply for residency/custody - 7 years later the woman posts a rant about Christmas presents and casually through the thread drops in that the child is in care....

Fuck me

So the DD went into care 6 years ago.

Your H was told there and then that he couldn't have her as he lived with his mother, the DD grandparent.

OK.

Fast forward he dates you for 12 months, moves to be with you and you are married a few months ago.

So you know this guy for what, 2 years?

He's allowed a situation to carry on for 4 years, where his only child is in care with strangers.

he only moved out from his mothers house to move 100 miles away from where he was, rather than move out to a place of his own to rescue his own daughter from being placed in care.

whichever way you look at it, your DH really doesn't come out of this at all well.

The asking her what she wants out to have happened 6 yrs ago. There is so much this H could have done, and he has done precisely nothing.

I'd never be able to respect a bloke who could do that to his own. I'd certainly never let him near MY DC.

sorry, ought to have happened, not out to have happened

was not aware when we apply that DD would not be told, until near time etc
I really am not up to speed with SS etc, I know you will all find hard to believe, got 3 DCs, and none of them have ever been involved with SS. Even when DH told his DD SW we were having a baby, we didnt have any contact from them or checks nothing, just a congratalations

I really am sad DD is in this situation, honestly am I. I really would love for her to be here with us.

Im not the nasty person you all think I am, I work with children fgs, and for the posts stating we should leave her, and let her have her life without us, is so sad.Im gutted people would think that, only recently I even met DD SW, as until mine and DH relationship was properly established by SS[regarded as suitable, long time etc], I wasnt involved

SS do not place a child in foster care because the parent is living with the Grandparents nor because he might get back with his DW (they would just keep an eye on the situation). What is the real reason he didn't keep his DD in the first place?

How did it all come about?

Why didn't he get a place of his own and get her back?

Emotional abuser? , I wasnt aware of the system of applying without DD knowledge, does not make me an abuser, it means I need to do more research

Do you, hand on heart, think that your husband has acted well here welshbyrd?

I am really not up to speed with SS FFS you have a 13 year old SD who has been in care for 7 years, you should be 'up to speed' with it, all of it, every single detail.

If you would 'realy love DSD to be with you' why did you not fight for her years ago?

You work with children - I feel the will to live ebbing out of me.

Going back to the OP, no you shouldn't buy a 13-year-old a £300 Blackberry, especially when you bought her a mobile phone earlier in the year. But I don't think she's taking you for a ride either. As everyone else is saying, fighting for more contact, even just on the phone, is likely to help in the long-run. I hope you can achieve this sooner rather than later. Good luck.

welshbyrd, you will be emotionally abusing the child if you ask her "Would you like to come and live with us?" before you do anything about it. You will be emotionally abusing her by offering her the option, and then withdrawing it, which I suspect you and DH will do.

It is an excuse, so that when she says "no" (which she will, for the reasons we have outlined above), you and DH will be able to hold your hands up, breathe a sigh of relief and say "There you go, she didn't want to live with us anyway".

You don't need to understand SS to know what damage this would do.

I think that sadly the OP will find that she's been lied to, tbh, and that her DH is not all that he professes to be. I have a nasty feeling that whatever went on before he met the OP regarding his child, SS and his alleged attempts to see and keep his daughter, the situation is not as he has described it to the OP.

I have fought harder to keep my dogs with me when moving house than this man has fought to keep or regain his own flesh and blood. And I succeeded too as there is no way I would have given up on them.

Welshbyrd - ultimately it's your husband's responsibility and he has behaved very badly and put himself and his love life first - ahead of the happiness of his own kid.

Be careful. Men like him don't change.