Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

I am going to leave this thread now because am actually getting . If you have never been through the pain of a parent not being totally involved in your life then you cant understand the effect it has on you,both as a child and as an adult. Your dh and yourself should stop thinking about yourselves and start concentrating on the shit this child is going through.
YABU and no the dd is not taking you "for a ride". She just wants her fathers love!

Really?? Your husband moved 100 miles away from his dd when she had been placed in care and needed him more than ever?
And this is after he made excuses as to why she couldn't live with him rAther than go into the care system??

Poor poor child.

It seems like the issue of the cost of xmas presents is nothing compared to everything else that is going on in this childs life.

Poor poor kid.

Let down by her mother, abandoned by her father, unsupported by her stepmother.

No wonder she's the way she is.

All the adults in her life should feel ashamed. So what if she wants a fucking phone - she's not being shown much love is she?

WE WOULD HAVE HERE IN A FLASH, HOWEVER - WE NEED TO MAKE SURE ITS WHAT SHE WANTS, WE COULD GO IN THERE ALL GUNS BLAZING ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT FOSTER PARENTS STOPPING PHONE CALLS, ALSO INTERNET, WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS, WOULD THAT NOT MAKE IT WORSE FOR HER HEAD?, IF SHE DIDNT WANT TO MOVE HERE, WOULD HER HAVING TO SAY NOOO,[IF SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT OVERNIGHT CONTACTS BECAUSE HER MUM WILL BE UPSET BECAUSE SHE CANT GET THEM]WOULD SHE NOT FEEL AWFUL SAYING NO TO HER DAD???????????????

AGREE POOR POOR CHILD, BUT WE ARE NOT THE DOING OF THIS, HER MOTHER IS!!!!!!!!!!

Of course she knows you've not applied for custody. She's living with foster parents. She's 13, she can work that one out very easily.

Poor girl.

If you told her that you would have her at least she would

1. Be able to make a choice
2. Feel like someone wanted her.

Well this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for all concerned, but in all this I am feeling very sorry for this child.
She's a teen - a difficult time for all kids, raging hormones, body changes - all the things that usually our mums help us through, she hasn't really got anyone to fulfill this function.

She has effectively lost both her parents, and your DH has a new family, with a 'new' DD almost exactly the same age as her - that must be unbelievably difficult for her, yet she has tried it seems to be friendly and make a relationship with someone who in her eyes mus seem like a 'replacement daughter'.

I appreciate you are trying your hardest, and the contact etc. is a problem. But this little girl has been through an enormous amount for one so young, I would expect her to be acting out an awful lot more than she is. As others have said, the demands for phones etc. are just symbolic, in all the important ways the children that live with you and your DH have so much more than her. I would definitely try to cut her some slack.

ABANDONED BY HER DAD? how can you say that, his contacts are exactly the same? unsupported stepmum? I love her? infact she speaks to me on FB constantly, not her dad though

Have you and your DH agreed to undertake a parenting assessment? Has this been offered? SS always prefer to place a child with family rather than with foster carers.

Her mother got into drugs, the child was taken into care and her father moved 100 miles away....of course he has abaondoned her.

Actually, it sounds like your DH abandoned his daughter many years before you met him.

Welshbird - my Dad left when I was 12, and I ended up seeing him as a cash cow - because he never bother to organise any regular contact.

Now I was at home with my mum, but I missed him terribly, I was being bullied at school because my mum was now on benefits (due to Dad contributing fuck all in maintenance ), and I all I wanted was my dad. I had to harden my heart against him to protect myself for further hurt and just took what I could get from him.

I really do feel this is what your DSD - and her DAD needs to be doing far more to get her out of the situation she is in. I am sure you and her dad and her step siblings could provide a happy and stable home for her - but tbh your DH needs to get off his arse and get on to Social Service and provide a case for him to be the resident parent.

Please, for the sake of this very hurt and confused girl, give him that kick up the arse!!

I agree itskurriiistmas, I wouldnt even begin to imagine how hard it is for her, knowing I have DD same age living in same roof as her dad

Agreed eviscerateyourmemory- however as its impossible almost to talk to her, cant really ask anything

We are not bad people, and am that you all thing we are not wanting what is best for DD

Think maybe I should have used perhaps " advice needed, regardingcontacts etc" as better post

Money isnt the problem, my post is basically, frustration on lack off contacts, not knowing what she wants, would fight to the end for her, but not being able to ask her is it what she wants frustrating, also she is in foster care with her brother, so taking her away from him, she has been with these foster carers since she was 7, and as painful as it is to admit it,[because they havent helped situation], they are really good to her and her brother

It seems strange that the foster parents allow her to talk to you on facebook but not her father. How does that work? Why hasn't he contacted her via your facebook account? Do you send messages from her father via this method? I have been following this from the beginning and it's so sad.

Well lets hope your husband dosen't fuck off to yet another family in a few years and abandon your 19 month old.

He sounds like a twat tbh.

You just said that you struggle to contact her, then in the next post say you are "constantly" talking to her on facebook?! You really should apply for custody or at least broach the subject with her ffs! Im so for her, surely a 13 year old in care would rather be with her family? Also your dh should not be leaving the instigation of all contact to her, she must feel so abandoned. As for blaming all this on her mother, YOUR DH IS HER PARENT TOO!!! He needs to take some responsibility. If for any reason my children had to go into care I know my dp would not be able to live with himself if he hadnt fought tooth and nail to get custody. Your poor sd, it must be bad enough to have one shit parent but two? . This has really upset me.

'WE WOULD HAVE HER HERE IN A FLASH, HOWEVER - WE NEED TO MAKE SURE IT'S WHAT SHE WANTS'

Well if her father had made a better effort over the years at being a father and having a proper relationship with his own child he would already know her wishes wouldn't he? She would naturally want to live with him then wouldn't she?