Husbands DD is taking us for a ride?

[welshbyrd]

Husband DD13yrs.

He moved 100 miles to be with me, however, he always attends contact etc. We has our own DD 19 months together, his DD adores her.

We got married a few months ago, and it was first time his DD had met my DD age 12 & DS age 7,[from prevous relationship]. His DD and my DD got on fab, so well infact they have added each other on facebook etc, for chats etc. Fab we thought.

However, in time me and DH been together, seems his daughter only makes any contact, phone calls etc near her birthday and xmas, we try and give both DD about the same, in last 3 years, his DD has had 2 phones, a laptop[for schoolwork etc]digital camera, as main presents, and had lots of other bits beside, even DC shoes which she asked for £50 quid.W has discovered after, her mum only gave her £5 in card, for birthday.
We had planned to give my DD £150 and same to his daughter, aswell as smellies, clothes and few other bits etc. However, she has asked for a£300 blackberry phone[we only bought her a phone in feb for her birthday], DH said no, as she had phone a few months ago[wouldnt have mattered if she had only wanted a £30 phone.
She never bothered wanting contact on halloween, which my DH accepted,and beleives it is because we dont bring gifts for halloween. DH aims to have religous contact with DD her birthday, easter, his birthday, halloween, and xmas, and whatever she wants in between, however, like said had phone call a few weeks ago saying she wanted this phone.
Got told yesterday, she doesnt want my DD to come to see her,for visit next saturday[perhaps she felt in future maybe] however her and my DD, have regular contact on FB.DH is on facebook, though his DD never chats to him etc

Future plans would be she would have over nights down here etc,this is what she saying to us she wants to happen, however, she is telling others different things.
Husband is convinced she only wants the gifts, almost to the point, if he dropped them off without contact, she would be ok with that.
Only contact she has actively made to her dad in a year is, 2 weeks before xmas last year, 2 weeks before her birthday in Feb, and 2 weeks ago, to let us know about the phone she wanted.

Her and her brother are in care - and have been since they were little. meanwhile you and your kids live in comfort with their useless cunt of a father.

Jesus.

Nancy66-You said just what I was thinking.

YES SHE HAS BEEN ABANDONED BY HER DAD! DON'T YOU SEE THAT?????

As I said, I am divorced. I've been alone with my (now teenaged) DDs since they were a toddler and a babe in arms. Do you think for one fucking moment it was easy to find accomodation after my ex walked out on us, leaving me (a SAHM) just over £2 in the bank and a fiver in my purse? With no support, no mother's house to stay at as your DH had?

Of course it bloody well wasn't!

But what normal parent just gives up on their child and lets the care system take them?

What normal parent moves 100 miles away, marries, takes on another couple of kids, has another baby and leaves his daughter in care?

Sorry lady, you are WAAAY out of order.

nottirednow- couldnt apply for DD brother because their mother refused him contact with DI have spoken to her on facebook, so and DH, beginning of the year, we discussed loads with her regarding her having more contacts etc, which she wanted, so we approached SW, told her DD had contacted us on facebook etc, stated she wanted extra contacts etc,[which let cat out of bag to foster parents that she had been speaking to us on internet, so now she has to use internt in kitchen supervised, so now it has all stopped]
He did try to win her, however, he was living with his mum, and housing was problem, the only problem, now he away from there, we have enough room etc for her.

I don't think you are a bad person Welshbyrd, I think it is very hard for people on the outside to understand all your circumstances.

Have your tried posting in the step parents section?, I'm sure the people on there have a wealth of experience and advice to offer.

Deciding the frequency and form of contact to have with a father who you feel doesn't want you is a huge responsibility to place on the shoulders of a 13 yr old child. She has been with her foster parents since she was 7- was your DH waiting for her to decide the frequency and length of contact then? Yes, she should have a say in what she wants, but don't expect her to behave like a well balanced adult and form a considered opinion on where she wants to live. She is a child. Who has been terribly hurt.

How on earth can she take the risk of saying she wants to live with her dad and him saying no? I appreciate he is not saying this overtly, but by not having applied for custody he is saying this very loudly. She cannot take the risk of saying she wants to live with him because she cannot risk the hurt and rejection (real or imagined) again. She has been hurt and rejected by both parents already- she won't risk it again.

Do not expect her to decide she wants to live with you. Such an expectation is completely unreasonable.

But if he cared so much why did he move away?
He could have kept fighting and stayed in his local area and let her know he was there for her.
Instead he fucked off to be with you .

Imagine if it was your dd would you move miles away or stay and fight?

Your DH let his own flesh and blood be taken into care while he carries on the 'religious' contacts? What RELIGION is this then?

There are far too many people throwing their hands up in the air and claiming 'it wasn't me.' Meanwhile there are children here that are suffering.

It all goes tits up for the mother OF COURSE THE FATHER STEPS UP AND IN AND PICKS UP THE PIECES. REGARDLESS. You take on ALL of your DH kids in this situation. Not rocket science.

The mother has had problems, got involved in drugs, and had her kids taken off her. OK so she has kind of caused this, but drugs are a nasty and all consuming addiction. she is the only one here who actually claim that to some degree she couldn't help herself.

The rest of you have absolutely no excuse. The mother is not the one that seems 'poxy' IMHO.

Her FP are not allowing contact? They are not good FP then. This situation is fucking the kids up while their father looks on.

You say you'd all fight to the end for her, for his DC but for the last 6 years they have been languishing in CARE?

Shame on ALL of you.

she's with a foster family when her dad is settled and married and already living as a famly man?!

that's really sad...

have no comment on the lap tops and iphones now.

nottirednow - you have said exactly how we have been feeling, we could dive in , and deamnd her back etc, but it has to be what is right for HER, not me my family etc,

I am not be unsympothtic or uncaring towards his daughter, just making sure its what she wants

Valhalla, I agree with your post. If I hadn't had family back up I don't know where I'd be now. It's not easy trying to keep a roof over your head when you've young children. You can earn enough for rent, or childcare, or food, but not all three.

I wouldn't want a man who could leave his daughter in a foster family..... sorry op. I wouldn't.

And I'm realiseing, that as little as my children get from their father now (a few visits and presents, no contribution) I suppose it will be even less when he eventually meets somebody else.

But if the possibility hasnt been raised with her, how are you ever going to know what she wants?

My DH discovred three years ago that he had a ten year old DD. The MOther had not told DH about her being pregnant (before I knew DH) and she hadpassed the child off as her fiancees after a fling with DH.

THen whenshe nad her DH divorced it all came out andDH suddenly had a ten year old he knew nothing about.

The Mother is a drug addict and a prostitute now...(she was not when DH knew her)

DH and I have made it clear to the his DD that if she ever wants it, she can live with us...we have two DDs of oour own but DHs other DD is no less pasrt of us...she loves her Mum...but has a hard time there in some ways...

OP there are NO excuses...you knew DH had a child and you KNEW she was in care...you should have got her out.

So what if he DID try when he was at his Mums...he should have tried again once he got a stable home.

NO excuses.

If it was me i would be taking SS to court for more acess, that way the faoster parent would have to go with the court order.

i would instruct the solicitor to apply for visitation once a month and unlimited comunication.

have you even been to the CAB or a solicitor.

The Foster Parents are not allowed to decide contact. If they let their foster children have unofficial contact with their parents (outside of what has been agreed by the court), they can be removed from the register.

SS decides the level and form of contact. They will do this in consultation with the FC, the parents, other professionals and the child.

The FC were absolutely right to stop unsanctioned FB contact- in fact, they were obliged to do so.

Your Dh needs to contact the social worker and get the issue of phone calls/emails etc sorted. It seems entirely wrong that her foster family are preventing your dh having contact with her daughter.

If he pushed the issue, and made the foster family accept regular phone calls between them, and then kept to that contact, that would show your dsd that he cares about her. It would also help him to get to know her, and to find out what it is that she actually wants - not only by asking her directly, but by judging the tone of what she says about her life now.

By sitting back and accepting the attitude of the foster family, he is giving his dd the impression that that is all the contact that he wants - no wonder the poor girl is mixed up, and crying out for attention by asking for expensive gifts.

Maybe, if your dsd feels her dad wants regular and frequent contact with her (phone calls etc), and is willing to fight for that, it will give her the confidence to tell him what she wants - whether she does want to live with you. After all, if he can't be bothered (in her eyes) to fight to phone her regularly, why would she think he'd fight to have her live with him?

Does your husband actually sit and watch his step children opening gifts on xmas day while his eldest child is spending xmas with foster carers?

Contact is not decided by the FC. They have to follow the contact arrangements set by SS.

I think YABU to think she's taking you for a ride.

I think though, TBH, it sounds as if you are all unhappy with the situation. You want DSD to live with you, she won't commit for fear of upsetting her Mum, FP's are just not helping the situation.

Contact DSD SW, arrange for a meeting without the FP's. Say how you feel. Apologise to your DSD for the fact she's been in care for 6 years. Offer her a stable home. Tell her you'll allow the contact with her mum to continue and that you will help make that happen. Maybe even look into moving back to where her roots are. That way the change is for everyone not just her.

I see the problem as everyone is pussyfooting around at the mo not really saying what they really think. And I think the fact she'll talk to you and not her Dad on FB is telling how hurt she is by him.

I'm confused, why did your husband not go for custody or residence when the children were taken into the care system? If the mother was not able to care for them, surely the next stop would have the father or other relatives? It sounds very strange. Certainly SS would have asked him.

I think your DH needs to put in the effort into contact, instead of excuses. Surely you must have some sympathy with this girl and her background, she sounds like she's been let down by both your dh and her mother. I think you also need to ask yourself why you chose to set up home with a man and have his children, when he's shown piss poor performance of parenting in the past.

I really don't mean to be offensive, but your asking the wrong questions, directed towards the wrong people. Good luck anyway.

Have you got a good solicitor OP because it sounds like the FC or SS are getting in the way of your DH's relationship with his children.
You need to go back to court rather than spend £300 on a blackberry.
SS allocate an amount to the all children in care to buy presents so she won't miss out, she needs her father to fight for her, urgently.

eviscerateyourmemory - I dont know, we have been discussing him discussing this with her on saturday, but worried, if he does, and she gets upset etc, repeat to foster parent, social worker etc, perhaps they may make his contact supervised again?, do we mention to social worker fist, really dont know what to do?

tethersjinglebellend -regarding FB, SW sees no problem with FB, she suggested we open an account just for chats to DD, so DD isnt likely to read our other friends posts, perhaps swearing etc reasons.

However, foster parents have restricted her internet[having discovered she had contacted us, which we notified SW straight away, who informed foster parents], she is now made to use laptop in kitchen supervised, had they supervised her before, i would understand, know its to restrict contact with us

JuneBugJr - DH did fight for DD, however, he hadnt long split from DD mother, so was staying at him mums, no room, stability etc.