Does this email seem unreasonable?

[LittleAmy]

Hi everyone.

I know I'm posting in the lions den here, but I'd appreciate your views as to whether this email to my husband seems in any way unreasonable or confrontational.

Thank you.

Can you see where I'm coming from at all?

I look after DD all through the day every working day. I exclusively breastfeed our daughter. It's demanding and exhausting.

I've got postnatal depression and I'm not coping very well. I need support to get better. You provide a lot of support and I appreciate it. I will be able to thank you properly when I am better. When you told me K was visiting I was excited. I love K. She is my favourite of your family members. I imagined we would spend some time together. I never got to see K properly last time she visited because you both went to the club so I was looking forward to finally bonding with her this time. But then I found out that you'll be spending the evening in the club again. I was very dissapointed and also frustrated by the 24 hours notice. Would it not have been possible to discuiss the plans with her last week? At least then I would have had a weeks notice to be mentally prepared. Last minute changes to plans is particularly triggering for me because I'm an anxious person.

When I went to dry my hair this evening I mulled everything over in my head to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable, rather than snap at you the moment you said it. I thought with an hour to mull over it then it wouldn't seem as bad, but the more I thought about it, the more inconsiderate your last minute plans seemed. In light of my recent mental state, specifically my struggling to look after DD for longer than 10 hours at a time, I couldn't understand why I was being left with her all day and then all evening, particularly as DD is most grumpy in the evenings. Depending on her temperment it can be a two-person job. Yet I anticipated our argument. Because me communicating my displeasure in something always ends terribly. I anticipated that you would say I hate your family because that is often said in arguments. But I hoped that my effort with your parents yesterday went at least some way to showing that I enjoy your familys company. But my making an effort with them seems to have gone unnoticed. It makes me feel sad that my efforts to bond with your family (particularly your mam) mean little to you and instead you insist that I hate them. It makes no sense to me.

Then I couldn't understand why we couldn't afford to purchase a scarf for K despite the fact that it costs £20 to go to the club for two nights. And that you expect my mam to buy it.

Most of all I'm saddened that despite my best efforts to get through the day keeping DD content and happy I had succeeded until tonight. But our poor little girl has had to watch us shouting and hitting eachother again. She is going to grow up anxious like me. I didn't want her to grow up like me. It's a horrible way to live.

We are failing our little girl. It brakes my heart, even more than your hatred for me.

When we were arguing this evening I heard you shout that it was all my fault, because I wanted children. But I was very careful to include you in the decision to have children. DD was very much planned by both of us. I don't think it helps anyone to keep mentioning that I wanted children. DD was wanted by both of us, so we're both "to blame". You are a grown man with over 40 years experience. When we coneived DD I was confident in your conviction to be a good father and I thought you genuenly wanted her. Was I wrong? It's too late for either of us to have regrets now.

I love you and I believe that you love me too. I don't think you do things like arrange nights out with malace. But it would save lots of heartache if we made joint decisions. When I am kept in the dark it makes me feel that you think my feelings are unimportant. It infantises me. It was assumed that I would be able to look after DD all day Friday then Friday evening on my own and also Sunday evening on my own. It leads me to think that you don't understand the extent of my depression. I don't know what else I can do to communicate the depth of my depression. I always thought I was quite demonstrative and transparent about it.

I would like to hear your thoughts.

x x

P.S. I've been very careful to word this email with "I feel" and "I think" rather than starting sentences with "you". I'm hoping that it will be less confrontational.

"But our poor little girl has had to watch us shouting and hitting eachother again."

he hit you?

in front of a child?

WHy are you still there???

Um, you're hitting each other? Why are you even together?

If he has been hitting you then I think sending this email is the wrong approach. If its a one off then get some RL counselling how to proceed. If its happnened more than once call the police and get him out of your life. Sorry i think this is out of scope for chat board.

I'm sorry, but to me that is the email of someone desperately trying to appease a bully. What do you mean "hitting each other"? Does he hit you?
The email isn't unreasonable or confrontational at all, and it worries me that you feel that it might be, when you have taken a worrying amount of care, as it seems to me, to avoid triggering an angry reaction.
Are you frightened of him, LittleAmy?

Hi amy, I remember your last post.

Are you and your dp quite young? I only ask as I feel it a pertinent question.

Your email makes me think you are terrified of him. I would never send an email to my husband like that and if I had an issue with his sister coming to stay I would just tell him.

Does he hit you?

you are both in an abusive relationship. this is far more than him making plans without consulting you. you need to stop the violence immediately and you need to put in place steps to improve your communication so that it never escalates to this again.

i actually cannot believe that after having a physical fight with your husband your biggest worry is him making plans without consulting you. where the hell are your priorities?

her DP is over 40, santas.

I'm 28. He's 41.

"i actually cannot believe that after having a physical fight with your husband your biggest worry is him making plans without consulting you. where the hell are your priorities?"

That's what started the fight. If it were not for his inconsiderate actions we wouldn't have fighted?

He came at me when I told him how I felt. So yes, I hit back.

I agree with boo - you really need to address the bigger issues here. The violence has got to stop. Just out of interest how old are you LittleAmy?

He needs to support you if you are suffering from PND and going out whilst you struggle at home is not helping.

I was much younger than my ExP (he was a similar age to your H and I was in my early 20's), our relationship was destructive and violent and I developed PND - although in hindsight the relationship was far more of a trigger than the birth of our DS. I wrote him a letter telling him how I was feeling, because through the PND haze I found it hard to relate my feelings verbally. He picked it to pieces with some of his cronies and then wrote me a horrible reply. The long and short was that the letter I wrote was not considered in the way that I had hoped - the written word can often be misinterpreted - and it only served to make the situation worse and to make my PND spiral.

I think that you need to consider how this relationship can become an equal one, where you both treat eachother with love and respect. Otherwise I am afraid to say it might be an idea to consider separating from him, if only temporarily until you are more emotionally stable. Do you have family you could stay with? Even just for a week so that you can get some rest and work out how to move forwards.

LittleAmy, when a relationship descends into hitting, and you seem to be resigned to this aspect, it really is in serious trouble.

Did he slap you, punch you? Why is the email about nights out, and not violence, infront of a minor? Do you realise social services can remove your child for this?

I'm sorry, and this might seem too black and white, but regardless of who is at fault here, you cannot stay together. He attacked you, you hit him back. In front of your baby. One of you has to leave, at least until you have worked out how to deal with this.
You are right, she will grow up to be anxious, and to expect very little of people. She will expect violence, and unless you change things very soon her prospects look grim.

Don't bother sending the email. Just ask him to leave. Phone Women's Aid, who will help you to plan hoe to go about things without angering him and putting yourself in danger.

Please take care, and take care of your baby. :)

You need Relate or something similar, on your own at first. My GP's surgery has a free on-site counsellor, some surgeries can refer you locally and again you wouldn't have to pay.

Its not going to work itself out, please don't send any e-mails. I really feel concerned for you.

Loopy - you aren't being too black and white, violence rarely stops once it has started.

(From womensaid.org.uk)

Freephone 24 hr National domestic violence helpline
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge

*PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: [email protected]*

Why the hell are you remaining with a man who has hit you?

There should be no email. There is no need for one. Just walk, before he does it again and next time you are unable to fight back.

This email will have no effect because this man doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. It's not that he doesn;t know that you are tired and unhappy, it's that he doesn't care. Because he is only interested in his own feelings, which is why he thinks it's OK to hit you if you disagree with him or question him.
As others have said, call women's aid and get rid of him.

exactly.

i agree with loopy. one of you needs to leave.

it really concerns me that after this fight you are still more focused on getting your point across about the evening out to the club.

if I'm honest it angers me that you aren't more upset about what it is doing to your DD.

you have only 1 priority right now and that is to decide who is leaving. albeit temporarily til this violence is dealt with. until you sort that you have no other issues to be dealing with.

Get him out. End of. Then get yourself help.

Agree with loopy

SGB is right. Sending the email won't make a blind bit of difference.
It may have been theraputic to write it though.
Go to your GP and get reffered for councelling. Show councillor the email you wanted to send. They will help you work through your options. They won't tell you what to do, they will help you make your own decision.
Something to think about - would you send an email if he hit your DD? So why do you think its okay to hit you?

I'm already on the waiting list for counselling.

"It's not that he doesn't know that you are tired and unhappy, it's that he doesn't care. Because he is only interested in his own feelings"

I think this myself at times. But he does kind things regularly. It confuses me.

If I leave what will I do? I can't look after a baby on my own. I'm barely coping as it is.

Also re: social services: they'd rather split a mother and child rather than remove the father? Seriously? Put the child into care and leave the mother and father together? That sounds nonsensical to me.

Also I've read about mums with PND on MN slapping their husbands or throwing things at them. No one told them to leave.

he came at YOU though....you hit back....HE doesnt have pnd!!

and since when does having PND become an excuse for violence??

are you seeing the doc for your PND??