Does this email seem unreasonable?

[LittleAmy]

Hi everyone.

I know I'm posting in the lions den here, but I'd appreciate your views as to whether this email to my husband seems in any way unreasonable or confrontational.

Thank you.

Can you see where I'm coming from at all?

I look after DD all through the day every working day. I exclusively breastfeed our daughter. It's demanding and exhausting.

I've got postnatal depression and I'm not coping very well. I need support to get better. You provide a lot of support and I appreciate it. I will be able to thank you properly when I am better. When you told me K was visiting I was excited. I love K. She is my favourite of your family members. I imagined we would spend some time together. I never got to see K properly last time she visited because you both went to the club so I was looking forward to finally bonding with her this time. But then I found out that you'll be spending the evening in the club again. I was very dissapointed and also frustrated by the 24 hours notice. Would it not have been possible to discuiss the plans with her last week? At least then I would have had a weeks notice to be mentally prepared. Last minute changes to plans is particularly triggering for me because I'm an anxious person.

When I went to dry my hair this evening I mulled everything over in my head to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable, rather than snap at you the moment you said it. I thought with an hour to mull over it then it wouldn't seem as bad, but the more I thought about it, the more inconsiderate your last minute plans seemed. In light of my recent mental state, specifically my struggling to look after DD for longer than 10 hours at a time, I couldn't understand why I was being left with her all day and then all evening, particularly as DD is most grumpy in the evenings. Depending on her temperment it can be a two-person job. Yet I anticipated our argument. Because me communicating my displeasure in something always ends terribly. I anticipated that you would say I hate your family because that is often said in arguments. But I hoped that my effort with your parents yesterday went at least some way to showing that I enjoy your familys company. But my making an effort with them seems to have gone unnoticed. It makes me feel sad that my efforts to bond with your family (particularly your mam) mean little to you and instead you insist that I hate them. It makes no sense to me.

Then I couldn't understand why we couldn't afford to purchase a scarf for K despite the fact that it costs £20 to go to the club for two nights. And that you expect my mam to buy it.

Most of all I'm saddened that despite my best efforts to get through the day keeping DD content and happy I had succeeded until tonight. But our poor little girl has had to watch us shouting and hitting eachother again. She is going to grow up anxious like me. I didn't want her to grow up like me. It's a horrible way to live.

We are failing our little girl. It brakes my heart, even more than your hatred for me.

When we were arguing this evening I heard you shout that it was all my fault, because I wanted children. But I was very careful to include you in the decision to have children. DD was very much planned by both of us. I don't think it helps anyone to keep mentioning that I wanted children. DD was wanted by both of us, so we're both "to blame". You are a grown man with over 40 years experience. When we coneived DD I was confident in your conviction to be a good father and I thought you genuenly wanted her. Was I wrong? It's too late for either of us to have regrets now.

I love you and I believe that you love me too. I don't think you do things like arrange nights out with malace. But it would save lots of heartache if we made joint decisions. When I am kept in the dark it makes me feel that you think my feelings are unimportant. It infantises me. It was assumed that I would be able to look after DD all day Friday then Friday evening on my own and also Sunday evening on my own. It leads me to think that you don't understand the extent of my depression. I don't know what else I can do to communicate the depth of my depression. I always thought I was quite demonstrative and transparent about it.

I would like to hear your thoughts.

x x

P.S. I've been very careful to word this email with "I feel" and "I think" rather than starting sentences with "you". I'm hoping that it will be less confrontational.

Brandy, DH said that I am driving him to a nervous brakedown.

LittleAmy your posts are heartbreaking. I am very sad that someone can think that they deserve to be hit, which reading between the lines, is what you think ("but my PND is hard work and pushes him to the edge").

That is so so wrong and you need to believe it, I hope this will then spur you to get the help and support you need.

You need to be around people who will help you with DD and your PND and I do not think your husband (he is not a DH IMO) or your mother are these people. Please take some of the advice on here and call someone who can and wants to help.

You deserve better than this and more importantly your DD deserves better that this.

Please do something, for your sake and hers.

We can support you on here but you need to take the first step yourself.

btw when I've been hit it seldom leaves serious marks/bruises so reporting him wouldn't really do anything? I don't have much proof. I must have legs and arms of steel because when he hits me it gives me a dead leg but I've just checked and there's no bruise.

And remember I've hit back in the past. I realise that I can't control his behaviour but I can control mine. So I'm not hitting or shouting anymore. I don't know whether he hit me for a reaction (in the past he would get one - usually me screaming and hitting him back). Well today he got no reaction aside from me calmly telling him to think of DD.

There is value in making a first step, to see whether the other person will meet you, and perhaps it will make you feel better to have done so, as it means you have exerted some control over yourself (being out of control of one's depression is probably terrifying), and extended an olive branch.

However, you need to tell him what you are doing, and ask him to meet you. He may want to choose his own gesture, but if he doesn't want to make a gesture... that is significant, and you mustn't ignore that. The significance might be that he doesn't want to, or "doesn't want to feel pressured", but, to be honest, even if he doesn't want to feel pressured, he is thinking too much of himself to match your gesture of humility, and you need to part for a while, to stop this negative cycle.s

As for your mother, and her being unwilling to take you in, why don't you just - instead of simply accepting this as "your lot" - wonder whether you could bring yourself to say or do the same to your DD. Has your mother talked to you a lot, throughout your life, about what "hard work" you are? Could this idea of yours be actually an idea of hers?

I really hope you manage to see a counsellor soon, to help you work though these important questions without being distracted by your depression. There seems to be such a lot you are struggling with, which might just be assumption!

Best wishes.

Terry I genuinely doubt that he would hit me if I didn't have PND and wasn't such hard work.

Thats not the point though LittleAmy, a loving, kind, caring husband (which is what you deserve) wouldn't EVER hit you, no matter what.

IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

"being out of control of one's depression is probably terrifying"

Yes it really is. It makes me fear that life will always feel like this. That I will never have any kind of prolonged enjoyment from life.

I agree with TerrysNo2. I am coming out of PND at the moment, and even though I had bad days, my partner never hit me. A loving partner wouldn't resort to violence, even if you were depressed... especially if you were depressed.

"Has your mother talked to you a lot, throughout your life, about what "hard work" you are?"

Yes I'm almost certain she's always said it. But in the past 5 years have I seemed to be such hard work that she's not sure she'll take me back. And I'm 28 so perhaps I'm too old to go back home anyway?

Jo, how did your DP deal with your PND? How old is your DC now?

"It sounds like you have spectacularly unsupportive people in your life. You don't have to listen to what they are telling you about yourself - it doesn't sound like it is true."

Brandy, what would be the normal level of support to expect in these circumstances? What would be too much to expect?

DH will be arriving home soon. I'm going to go to him for a hug and he'll give me one. Then we'll go to bed and no more bad words will be said today. That's how I see the rest of the night happening. I find it confusing swinging from agression to hugging and "love yous". I prefer the latters obviously. They give me hope that this can be sorted.

LittleAmy support would be listening to you and helping you out (looking after DD, cleaning, cooking), making sure you went to see your GP, buying thoughtful presents that might cheer you up.

What is NOT supportive is putting you down, telling you that you are hard work, hitting you or making you feel like you are making their life difficult.

I actually think that Teela has made a good but shocking point - would you allow your husband to hit DD if she "pushed him to the edge", which children can do? If he can hit you, why not her? Sorry if that is shocking but maybe you need it.

But Terry I really am making their life difficult :( I dont mean to but I am.

Terry I don't think he'd ever hit DD. He genuinely loves her. A child pissing you off is very difficult from an adult pissing you off. The latter is expected to know better.

He doesn't have PND. He is not in pain/worn out from breastfeeding. He should be able to control himself a damned sight more than you can.

What has "driven him" to hit you is not your desperation, your need, and your tears. No, what has "driven him" to hit out is wanting to make you stop, and opting for violence. He could "make you stop" by drawing you gently through this hell (or even dragging you through it by the hand, just to get you to the other side), by going to counselling, by getting you to counselling, by standing up to your mother when she says things like that (has he ever done that?), basically whatever it takes. He seems not to have chosen the self-controlled path, perhaps thinking that controlling you is easier. That's cruel, and that's also wrong. It's not working, so what is he going to do now?

Perhaps not a very helpful question to end on, as you can't answer it. However, there is a lot here that you can't answer yourself. You are trying to fix everything, as though you believe it is all your fault and therefore it is up to you to put it right. Please start looking outside for answers - stay here on MN and branch out in real life, to ask others for help. Don't just huddle against your H tonight; ask him if he can help you, what he thinks you can do together.

I skipped a lot of replies from when you came back today.

You will not lose your child for seeking help, you will lose your child for not seeking help!

Put it this way, do you love your mum? How would you feel, as an adult, if you watched your dad hit her and you were unable to help? I know how protective I am of my mum, she only has to come in from work looking a little down and my first words are "who do I have to hit?" (joke, I've never hit anyone and wouldn't it's just my way of asking what's up and who did it) I've seen her really upset because someone has upset her and felt so helpless that I can't do anything, angry that someone hurt my mum... I'm an adult and can rationalise it, but what about a child who can't rationalise it? They see Mummy hurting, sad, crying and don't understand why, children feed off their parents (especially their mum) emotions so they're feeling scared, sad, hurt... That's just the short term, the one offs. If that carries on you're teaching them that you are worthless (no one's mum should be worthless!) that that's normal for a relationship, that men hit women, that violence is acceptable.

I've just seen your last post as it's right above where I'm typing. There is never an excuse to hit someone. You didn't choose to have PND, you're ill! Would you say "I doubt he'd hit me if I didn't have cancer and wasn't such hard work"? Gee, your spouse being ill is hard work? TOUGH LUCK! You supposedly signed of for better and worse, sickness and health, you're supposed to love this person with every fibre of your being that you married them because you couldn't be apart from them. You supposedly loved them so much you brought a life into the world with them. You NEVER EVER hit someone, especially because they're ill!

Maybe others on MN have said they hit each other, I'll admit in a fight I once threw the phone at OH, winded him and left a lovely bruise on his ribs. Immediately I was shocked at myself, I apologised and we dealt with it. If I had been cold and said it didn't matter, he deserved it and he apologised for it etc then it would have been different. It's the only time anything like that has happened between us. I should imagine that all the women who have posted about it and no one pushed them into leaving was because they weren't in abusive relationships and both sides were remorseful and didn't try to justify it.

confuddledDOTcom, unfortunately, LittleAmy's mother is not the greatest. A grudge, at best.

Though it's lovely to hear that your mother deserves your love.