Does this email seem unreasonable?

[LittleAmy]

Hi everyone.

I know I'm posting in the lions den here, but I'd appreciate your views as to whether this email to my husband seems in any way unreasonable or confrontational.

Thank you.

Can you see where I'm coming from at all?

I look after DD all through the day every working day. I exclusively breastfeed our daughter. It's demanding and exhausting.

I've got postnatal depression and I'm not coping very well. I need support to get better. You provide a lot of support and I appreciate it. I will be able to thank you properly when I am better. When you told me K was visiting I was excited. I love K. She is my favourite of your family members. I imagined we would spend some time together. I never got to see K properly last time she visited because you both went to the club so I was looking forward to finally bonding with her this time. But then I found out that you'll be spending the evening in the club again. I was very dissapointed and also frustrated by the 24 hours notice. Would it not have been possible to discuiss the plans with her last week? At least then I would have had a weeks notice to be mentally prepared. Last minute changes to plans is particularly triggering for me because I'm an anxious person.

When I went to dry my hair this evening I mulled everything over in my head to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable, rather than snap at you the moment you said it. I thought with an hour to mull over it then it wouldn't seem as bad, but the more I thought about it, the more inconsiderate your last minute plans seemed. In light of my recent mental state, specifically my struggling to look after DD for longer than 10 hours at a time, I couldn't understand why I was being left with her all day and then all evening, particularly as DD is most grumpy in the evenings. Depending on her temperment it can be a two-person job. Yet I anticipated our argument. Because me communicating my displeasure in something always ends terribly. I anticipated that you would say I hate your family because that is often said in arguments. But I hoped that my effort with your parents yesterday went at least some way to showing that I enjoy your familys company. But my making an effort with them seems to have gone unnoticed. It makes me feel sad that my efforts to bond with your family (particularly your mam) mean little to you and instead you insist that I hate them. It makes no sense to me.

Then I couldn't understand why we couldn't afford to purchase a scarf for K despite the fact that it costs £20 to go to the club for two nights. And that you expect my mam to buy it.

Most of all I'm saddened that despite my best efforts to get through the day keeping DD content and happy I had succeeded until tonight. But our poor little girl has had to watch us shouting and hitting eachother again. She is going to grow up anxious like me. I didn't want her to grow up like me. It's a horrible way to live.

We are failing our little girl. It brakes my heart, even more than your hatred for me.

When we were arguing this evening I heard you shout that it was all my fault, because I wanted children. But I was very careful to include you in the decision to have children. DD was very much planned by both of us. I don't think it helps anyone to keep mentioning that I wanted children. DD was wanted by both of us, so we're both "to blame". You are a grown man with over 40 years experience. When we coneived DD I was confident in your conviction to be a good father and I thought you genuenly wanted her. Was I wrong? It's too late for either of us to have regrets now.

I love you and I believe that you love me too. I don't think you do things like arrange nights out with malace. But it would save lots of heartache if we made joint decisions. When I am kept in the dark it makes me feel that you think my feelings are unimportant. It infantises me. It was assumed that I would be able to look after DD all day Friday then Friday evening on my own and also Sunday evening on my own. It leads me to think that you don't understand the extent of my depression. I don't know what else I can do to communicate the depth of my depression. I always thought I was quite demonstrative and transparent about it.

I would like to hear your thoughts.

x x

P.S. I've been very careful to word this email with "I feel" and "I think" rather than starting sentences with "you". I'm hoping that it will be less confrontational.

You and your husband are being violent to each other in front of your daughter.

One of you HAS to leave, for her sake, at least until you get this sorted.

This isn't just about you anymore.

you're the only one that knows what your relationship is actually like - but if it's as it sounds from your email, it's pretty bad

I don't think coping with the baby will be harder with that gone, that's probably contributing to how badly you are doing now

LittleAmy do you have any family nearby? I understand your concerns about looking after your LO without him but it actually sounds as if he is little help to you now. My biggest concern is his use of violence. If he thinks it's ok to 'come at you' then what will stop him from attacking your LO? Protect yourself and your little one NOW before it is too late. Is the hitting a regular occurence...if so then please seek help. He needs to know that violence of any kind is unnaceptable - let alone in front of your LO - how is she going to feel when she's older and hears him say that it was you who wanted children? Be strong - get help - you don't have to do this on your own.

Littleamy at the end of the day you will do whatever it is that you feel is right for you. But take it from a girl who has had horrid PND and a 3 month old baby to find a house for - once you have made the jump it is so much easier to cope with parenting than when being in a destructive relationship. If all you have to concentrate on is your PND and your DD you will be amazed how much less complicated it is. When you add a man who you have to tiptoe around to avoid confrontation with, it is just too much strain.
Your DD will pick up on everything, they are amazingly astute whatever their age. If you are happy for her to witness the relationship between yourself and your husband then that is your call.
For now why don't you go away with your DD for a weekend? You must have a friend or family member that you can visit? Get some space and time to relax. Someone sensible whom you can discuss the problem with honestly might be a good idea. It will help you gain far better perspective - and at the very least a change of scene will do you the world of good.

Please Littleamy, take the advice on this thread.

Don't stay with a man who hits his partner for any reason.
You will not be happy and things won't work out ok when the baby is older.

What is his history? Several failed relationships? Maybe his previous partners were not unreasonable, they split with him for valid reasons?

Womens Aid will help you.

You will find parenting your little girl so much easier when you are not trying to placate a violent and thoroughly unpleasant man.

LittleAmy exposure to domestic violence is considered child abuse. Get out before Social Services start to become involved.

littleamy, SS are not responsible for you or your DH's safety. they cannot make either of you leave. tehy are not in a position to tell either of you to leave. they have a duty of care to your DD and if you as her parents are living together in a violent relationship then they will remove her. they have to protect her. if you two don't have the sense to separaate it's up to you but SS have to protect your DD. that is why tehy will remove her if you don't separate.

you sound liek you are making excuses. stop. it isn't helping you or your DD. you know what you have to do.

You are drying your hair for an HOUR

yes, jodiesmummy, that was the most shocking thing about the OP

"If I leave what will I do? I can't look after a baby on my own. I'm barely coping as it is."

The precise reason you barely feel able to cope is because you're having to deal with all this other crap. Without that stress, you'll find looking after DD much easier, trust me.

Even before the age of 1, babies are frightened by violent situations. Don't kid yourself that she is too little to interpret what she is being exposed to as violence. It will very quickly alter her brain chemistry and tolerance levels to stress hormones and may have a life changing effect on her. Your only solution on this one is to distance yourself from the causes of the conflict.

I make no apologises for my post/reply, because as someone who has been in a similiar situation I feel qualified to say it with no malice intended. I also feel that the lovely posters on MN are being too lenient on you (sorry guys).

You need to leave. Your relationship is not working, and having had PND twice with both of my boys, I feel I can say it, because I fear no one else will, that you are using your PND as an excuse.

I see you using it as a shield for your relationship with your partner. From what you wrote about conceieving your dd, it semed to me as if you were trying to convince yourself rather than your partner.

Voilence, by either of you is not acceptable and it has to stop. Get out now. I think your anxiety may have heightened your PND but please don't use that as an excuse for your relationship and the fact that you feel it is a burden caring for your daughter all day, BF or not.

My child was removed from me (albeit for 3 harrowing painful months, especially when you are expressing milk which is taken each day for them), that is why I feel qualified and able to say that to you (I will await the personal attacks).

Littleamy, is this the first time you have had a confrontation like this?

I ask because when DS was a baby I had a very heated argument with DH which resulted in him yelling at me, I lost my rag at him refusing to stop and started hitting him in the chest, he ended up gripping me by the wrists to stop me hitting him. This caused some bruises but was accidental.

I am ashamed to say this was in front of our 2yo DD and baby DS. They were both terrified.

We had been under dreadful stress for months by this stage as our home was being violently attacked by a stranger on a weekly basis (this started shortly before birth of DS) and it all blew up in this incident, which was over absolutely nothing.

We both shocked each other so much that we sat down and really talked about how badly the situation was affecting us for the first time.

We made sure it never happened again and was due to the horrible stress we were under.

It was a turning point for us and we started to deal with the situation. All happily resolved now.

Is this similar to what happened here? Or was this just the latest in a long series of similar incidents?

If the former, maybe he is as shocked as you and you will both benefit from some joint counselling.

If the latter, I have to agree that you need to get yourself and your baby away from this situation.

Great post PinkElephant.

LittleAmy, I have looked at some of your previous posts and I could have written them myself 8 years ago when ds was born.

I had PND, lived in a tiny basement flat, felt abandoned by a DH who couldn't adjust to life as a parent (0ut partying at short notice, staying out all night). I couldn't adjust either (I liked to party too) but I had no bloody choice! I hated him and we argued endlessly until we had a particularly nasty row - no hitting but nasty enough to shock us into dealing with the problem.

I agree with PinkElephant, if this is a one-off then you BOTH need to act now to address it. In my experience this means compromise on both sides.

However, if hitting is a regular occurence you need to think about moving on.

FWIW it does get better. Your baby grows up, you get your body back, you get some sleep etc.

Going back to work when DS was 9 months old saved me. Ironically, DH stopped working at that point to be a SAHD. He refers to it now as the happiest time of his life.

Good luck.

I guess the crucial factor is the attitude of both of you to the hitting.

If any one of you was not shocked by it then you have a serious problem and need to be away from each other, at least temporarily.

If you are not both committed to making sure this never, ever happens again you really must stay apart at least until you have worked through these issues.

I still feel guilty at the way my poor DCs screamed in terror because Mummy and Daddy were fighting

I will never forget it.

I'm so sad for you Amy. While initially I agreed with Pink Elephants I have read your post again and it is apparant that this was not just a 'one-off'.

It upset me to read that you feel you are both 'to blame' for having your DD.

Whilst I haven't ever experienced PND I did struggle when my DCs were young and I had good family and a loving DH to help.

You need help to get through your PND and if he really loves you your DP would be there for you. You should be able to express how you feel in person (not in an e-mail) without it ending up in a slanging match / physical fight.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with the others - He will not change and you need to protect yourself and your DD.

I'm sure you will find it easier if you have some time apart without the extra stress. And as for worrying about not coping on your own your DP will have the opportunity to have DD and that will give you a few hours to yourself, whereas it seems you don't get much help now as it is.

Good luck

LittleAmy - I have posted on your previous threads and I had a feeling then that your relationship with your DH was worse than you were describing.

This is an awful situation that you are in and please don't underestimate how much his behaviour is contributing to your PND.

He is a violent and abusive man. He attacks you in front of your DD. He doesn't help with your DD at all. He changes plans at the last minute to suit him and to the detriment of you. He has all the power in the relationship (and the difference in your ages is significant and probably quite deliberate by him). None of his actions are actions of a man who loves or respects you. I also suspect that you aren't the first person he has treated like this.

If you leave this man, I suspect your PND will become significantly less of a problem, your DD will be more settled, you will be happier. Ask yourself, seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship as it stands? The problem (from what you wrote in a previous thread) is not that you have become a mother. It is your prick of a husband.

Also if you want to post in future please try the Relationships board rather than AIBU. There are some really lovely people there who will be able to help you. In the meantime - ring Women's Aid.

Oh and just to add - you can leave - you are allowed to and you will be able to cope. You are coping with thi beghaviour - you will certainly cope without it.

LittleAmy, that is a very sad email and I feel so sorry for you. You tell us in one paragraph that you have been hit and in the next that you 'love' him . You need to get away for a bit and get some perspective. Go and stay with your mam and think things over. You and your little dd do not deserve such misery. No wonder you are depressed. All of us would be if we had a tiny baby and a physically abusive relationship. And do not kid yourself. He is not a good father or a support to you or dd if he is belting you (in front of her).

Please do not stay in this situation.

Please talk to someone, doctor, social worker , someone - think of your BABY and get out of there

Would you want your DD to be in a relationship like yours?

LittleAmy - by the way, you're not little any more, you're big now - you're the mummy, remember? - get some self-esteem.

Your relationship sounds unhealthy right now. That's not to say it could never work etc, but right now you both need a break. I missed if you said how young yoyr DD was, but for any new parent, a baby is tough - sleepless nights, out of social loop - it's hard for you both to function normally.

Don't be too hard on yourself, but you need some support. Could you stay at your mum's/sibling's or friend's for a little - you don't have to make a big separation thing out of it if you don't want to - just tell your DP you think you both need to catch up on some sleep and have a break.

Then get your sense of inner calm back, enjoy some time with your DD, love yourself and decide if you still love your partner and want to keep going.

No pressure - just life looking after a new, first baby full-time is tough for everyone, and it's OK to need support.

Big hug - you will get through it, just probably need some sleep and maybe someone else to help with basica like cooking/washing for a little while.

I didn't have PND or a bullying partner, but still know where you're coming from.

OIt's not your fault - it's natural.

Love your blessed DD; try to smile.

bump

It is now a long time since LittleAmy has posted, does anyone know if she is ok?

I am of the view (from your last post) that it may actually be you that needs help for violence. Looking after a new baby can make you feel like this.

Please get some proper help - this site is not the right place.

If you are on a waiting list, ask your GP for voluntary organisations near you.

And try to involve friends/family in looking after your baby.