Does this email seem unreasonable?

[LittleAmy]

Hi everyone.

I know I'm posting in the lions den here, but I'd appreciate your views as to whether this email to my husband seems in any way unreasonable or confrontational.

Thank you.

Can you see where I'm coming from at all?

I look after DD all through the day every working day. I exclusively breastfeed our daughter. It's demanding and exhausting.

I've got postnatal depression and I'm not coping very well. I need support to get better. You provide a lot of support and I appreciate it. I will be able to thank you properly when I am better. When you told me K was visiting I was excited. I love K. She is my favourite of your family members. I imagined we would spend some time together. I never got to see K properly last time she visited because you both went to the club so I was looking forward to finally bonding with her this time. But then I found out that you'll be spending the evening in the club again. I was very dissapointed and also frustrated by the 24 hours notice. Would it not have been possible to discuiss the plans with her last week? At least then I would have had a weeks notice to be mentally prepared. Last minute changes to plans is particularly triggering for me because I'm an anxious person.

When I went to dry my hair this evening I mulled everything over in my head to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable, rather than snap at you the moment you said it. I thought with an hour to mull over it then it wouldn't seem as bad, but the more I thought about it, the more inconsiderate your last minute plans seemed. In light of my recent mental state, specifically my struggling to look after DD for longer than 10 hours at a time, I couldn't understand why I was being left with her all day and then all evening, particularly as DD is most grumpy in the evenings. Depending on her temperment it can be a two-person job. Yet I anticipated our argument. Because me communicating my displeasure in something always ends terribly. I anticipated that you would say I hate your family because that is often said in arguments. But I hoped that my effort with your parents yesterday went at least some way to showing that I enjoy your familys company. But my making an effort with them seems to have gone unnoticed. It makes me feel sad that my efforts to bond with your family (particularly your mam) mean little to you and instead you insist that I hate them. It makes no sense to me.

Then I couldn't understand why we couldn't afford to purchase a scarf for K despite the fact that it costs £20 to go to the club for two nights. And that you expect my mam to buy it.

Most of all I'm saddened that despite my best efforts to get through the day keeping DD content and happy I had succeeded until tonight. But our poor little girl has had to watch us shouting and hitting eachother again. She is going to grow up anxious like me. I didn't want her to grow up like me. It's a horrible way to live.

We are failing our little girl. It brakes my heart, even more than your hatred for me.

When we were arguing this evening I heard you shout that it was all my fault, because I wanted children. But I was very careful to include you in the decision to have children. DD was very much planned by both of us. I don't think it helps anyone to keep mentioning that I wanted children. DD was wanted by both of us, so we're both "to blame". You are a grown man with over 40 years experience. When we coneived DD I was confident in your conviction to be a good father and I thought you genuenly wanted her. Was I wrong? It's too late for either of us to have regrets now.

I love you and I believe that you love me too. I don't think you do things like arrange nights out with malace. But it would save lots of heartache if we made joint decisions. When I am kept in the dark it makes me feel that you think my feelings are unimportant. It infantises me. It was assumed that I would be able to look after DD all day Friday then Friday evening on my own and also Sunday evening on my own. It leads me to think that you don't understand the extent of my depression. I don't know what else I can do to communicate the depth of my depression. I always thought I was quite demonstrative and transparent about it.

I would like to hear your thoughts.

x x

P.S. I've been very careful to word this email with "I feel" and "I think" rather than starting sentences with "you". I'm hoping that it will be less confrontational.

Blu I agree its not the right thing for Amy and it wouldn't come to that as long as she seeks help and admits there is a problem.
She has taken the first step by posting on here but now needs to follow it through.
I know it is not that straightforward.
I have struggled with severe depression myself and lacked the motivation to even get out of bed in the mornings let alone find the courage to get out of an abusive relationship.
I really do feel for you Amy and I hope your little girl can help give you the strength you need.
Please carry on posting so we can support you and see if there is someone in RL you can confide in.
Please consider what I said earlier about calling Women's Aid anonymously if you are concerned about revealing your identity.

LittleAmy are you ok?

I saw the dr yesterday. She's prescribed an anti-depressant to try (paroxotine).

The HV came today. She brought the scales and weighed DD. I wasn't expecting it but DD has lost 5oz. :( It's the first time she's lost any weight. HV wasn't concerned and said it's probably teething but obviously I'm very worried. As I'm soley responsible for DDs nurtrition, any negative effect on her weight is my responsibility and mine alone. No one seems to understand or appreciate this.

I don't know what I can do to improve her weight? :( I'm feeding on demand but as DD is teething she doesn't want to stay on the breast for long and pulls of then its a constant battle to get her to feed. What can I do?

Amy - I can't help with your bf as I formula fed, but have a look on the breastfeeding section or post a question there, there are many really helpful people that can answer your questions.

In terms of the pnd, you are ill poppet and need cuddling, looking after and support until you begin to feel better.

I had pnd with both my dc. This time I was so bad I would put dd in another room and tell DP I wasn't going to look after her so that he had to stay at home and not go to work I was just so terrified of being on my own.

I screamed at him, said evil things, was totally out of order and all he did back was look after me. He understood that I was ill and, even though it was awful for him, he just helped, took time off work, stroked my hair, let me cry and did 100% of childcare till I began to feel better.

THat is what your DH should be doing.

None of this is your fault. Please see your gp if you haven't already.

Little Amy - I can't add any more to the good ladies above regarding the DV (and it IS dv).

But on the feeding font I can relate... It is heartbreaking to feel that you have not done enough for your child and you are not meeting their nutritional needs... However babies do things at their own pace growth spurts use up calories that she has been storing, she didn't feel like eating this week as she was teething all these things and many more combine to give a very small amount of weight loss.

YOU NOT FAILING HER, YOU ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB particularly with bf and pnd. I have 3 bf dd's with the first I worried weekly as to whether she had gained or lost (there were many weeks of loss or no change) I beat my self up about how I couldn't be doing it right, with the 2nd I had a little more confidence but still worried like I was taking an exam when she was being weighed.

With no 3 I haven't had her weighed (maybe once or tweice for her reviews but very little else) she was weeing pooing growing and happy (mostly) so with advice from here I just went with the flow.

Good luck with the rest of it I didn't have depression but I did find my first incrediably hard work, (and I had asupportive mum, which I really don't believe you have.

Please seek some RL help...as others have said SS will not take your dd away if you are actively changing how your relationship functions (I do believe women's aid would be the most experienced at this)

Oh well done on going to see the GP. That's a brilliant first step to take. I hope that you see some positive results from the ADs in the next few weeks.

Re the breastfeeding. You are doing fantastically well. This is a minor blip. The HV is not worried about it and is more than likely down to the teething. Do you have access to a breastfeeding support group? You might find it comforting to go and spend some time with other breastfeeding mothers so that you can compare experiences.

" This time I was so bad I would put dd in another room and tell DP I wasn't going to look after her so that he had to stay at home and not go to work"

I feel like doing that a lot. But DH would probably divorce me. What did your DP do?

I especially feel like doing that today. The HV phoned me later after her visit. She said she had been speaking to her collegue and she thinks I sould take DD to see the doctor to get checked out to be safe. So I'm taking DD on Thursday to see the dr.

I feel like I've failed at being a mother. I'm DDs sole source of nutrition. She relies on my body for her basic survival and my body has obviously failed her. BF has been a constant blind battle with me not knowing what the hell I'm doing despite spending all day everyday researching BF and reading books on the topic. I'm a crap mother.

"still worried like I was taking an exam when she was being weighed."

Same here. I feel physically sick when the scales come out. I would love to hand this all over to someone else and run away and start a new life.

I've spent an hour lying in the dark in the bedroom trying to get DD to latch on AND STAY LATCHED. I thought that she stays on longer at night so I'd replicate that setting. Well it didn't work and she's fallen asleep. I spent the hour with my breast out prodding DD and silently crying. What the hell can I do? Maybe SS should just come and take DD away.

Little amy- Is there anyone you can turn to in RL just to get some support I think you need more help than an internet forum can give.

You need some REAL support, do you have a friend who could come round, and sit with you, have you tried la leche league or a bf support line in know it takes a lot of courage to phone for help (particularly when battling depression as you are.) someone who can talk you through, It is really really hard not to beat yourself up about bf, but really you HAVE done a fantastic job.

Have you started on any of the medication yet I know it will take a couple of days to kick in. If you feel you can't cope in the meantime please, please, please contact your health visitor and ask for more support a cpn should be able to see you. There is a way through this and you will get there but treat yourself gently one day at a time

I really really feel for you, and although very unmnetty want to send you massive virtual hugs. Please let us know how you're doing over the next few days I we are thinking about you and sending positive vibes...

I just realised I poste one hell of a lot of questions there sorry !!

LittleAmy - not sure how old your DD is, but if you have severe PND it might be best for you and her to take anti-depressents and if necessary give her formula.

Come and post on breast/bottle feeding board for more support with the feeding.

My friend had severe PND, and it lifted after she was on the medication. Her DD having formula with a happy mummy was a better outcome for their family.

I'm usually really probreastfeeding, but please don't beat yourself up, you've given it a good go, and you need some RL help, and to clear the PND.

My friend's DH wrote a book, you might want to buy it for your DP?

link

LA - are you near me? I've been in your situation. I really feel you need to get out with the baby and see some real people - bounce around in society a bit. if you're near me, I could come and meet you. you can give me a fake name if you like, and we could meet in a public place, and then you'll KNOW that i cannot report you to anyone (not that I would, as you are doing your best).

I'm in Leicestershire.

Amy - what did my DP do? He took the time off work and looked after our dd. He came with me to the drs, he let me spend all day in bed if I couldn't face getting up. He made sure he was there if I wanted to talk. All the things your DH needs to do.

I agree with the post above too ^ maybe you need to think about switching to formula?

MumNWLondon I've just purchased the book. Thank you.

DD is 5 months, 1 week so I'm carrying on with EBF at least till she's 6 months. I've came this far...

Re: RL help. I'm on the waiting list for counselling and I'm going to take the anti-depressants. What else can I do? :(

I feel really sorry for poor DD. She has a mother who hates being a mother. How unfair is that for her :(

your last line could have been written by my bf who suffered terribly with pnd. She later said she fantatised about ss coming and taking her ds off for adoption as she was such a terrible mother, who hated the loss of her identity and to some extent blamed him.

When are you due to start the ad's they did make a world of difference to my friend, and slowly she started to see the light and now has a really good relationship with her ds. She also beat herself up about bf (and didn't get anywhere as near as far as you!).

Please contact your hv for more support, that's their job... and you need it you will not be wasting her time and she can get you access to services..

LittleAmy
I got as far as your post on the 19th at 21.54 where you stated

"DH is more violent, but my PND is hard work and pushes him to the edge"

and i felt compelled to reply.

12 yrs ago this was me.Making excuses for a VIOLENT man. Nothing would have changed my love for him or his for me - 12 yrs on he still regularly texts me to ask me to go bak to him as he still loves me.

Well I say nothing but one thing did....my DS1 who is now 12 when he was 2yrs old....he stood in front of his father and begged him
"Daddy don't hit mummy instead hit me"

Please think of the damage being caused to your DD.

This thread has made me very sad.

I really don't want to be a mother anymore :( :( :(

No matter what I do I fail DD in one way or another. I HONESTLY didn't think I'd be a failure. I would never have done this to an innocent child.

DH is going to go to the GP and tell them that he is depressed and that he is close to a brakedown.

You all say that DH should be a wonderful supportive husband but how can he if he is also depressed?

Do you think he is depressed? Really?

If he is, then obviously he needs help too. But if he's using it as an excuse not to help, that's something else.

Would you be able to say where in the country you are? Someone nearby might be abel to help you.

LittleAmy, don't worry about your DD, she'll not remember this and you will move past it and enjoy being a mum.

In terms of the feeding, well done on getting to 5 months and 1 week, much longer than most, and your daughter has had the benefits of being EBF even if you stop now.

I stopped EBFing DS2 at 5 months 2 weeks as I went back to work. I initially thought about pumping etc to get to 6 months, but actually its an arbitrary date, so he got formula from then. I stopped feeding DS1 at 5 months as the feeding wasn't making either of us happy. I had a lot of guilt about that, including from DH who commented that DD my PFB was EBF until 6 months. But the most important thing is to be happy and make things easy for you, and having formula now rather than in 3 weeks time isn't going to make any difference - better for her to have a happy mum.

You'll see from the book that my friend was suicidal after her DD1 was born, now 6 years later she has 2 more children (no more PND but she bottle fed the younger 2 from birth) and she loves being a mum. She still has occasional bad days, but nothing like it was when her DD1 was a baby.

If it is the case that your dh is depressed too then it is true that he needs support aswell (giving him the benifit of the doubt). If that is how he feels then he should go the gp's (that does not excuse any of the dv btw) Oh and If he even suggests that this is YOUR fault he's a lying unsupportive bastard (he may not just prempting!).

I know I'm a bit like a broken record (I'll live with the shame) but you really do seem to need more help than you're getting from the health services.

When are you atarting the ad's, your views on how good a mother you are a seriously clouded by your depression, as I'm sure you realise (I doesn't change how you feel tho')

The fact that you are worried about your dd and how you are failing her, tells me for that alone that you ARE are GOOD mum. Good Mums worry about the welfare of their children, but you are also beating yourself up unnecesssarily although it may be very very difficult to see that, the view from here is very different.

I wonder if you posted in the MH section you may get better advice than me as my experience is limited.

seabright - how would I be able to tell whether he is truly depressed or not?

I'm in North East England.

Also can anyone tell me whether this is a symptom of PND: I feel as though everyone is against me. My DH, my mum, the HV. I feel as though they are making my life unnecessarily poor. Be it mind fuckery, unhelpful comments or just not giving a fuck.

"LittleAmy, don't worry about your DD, she'll not remember this and you will move past it and enjoy being a mum."

Thank you. Sentiment like that keeps me strong. However many people have said differntly :( Which is correct? People have said that PND harms babies. The HV said that my depression will negatively effect DDs brain development.

Mum NWLondon I'm really looking forward to reading the book. I guess it will arrive some time after Xmas.

Would you say BF plays a part in PND?

Doris - he says that my bahaviour is driving him to a brakedown. So I guess that means itsmy fault?

LittleAmy - you ask what else you can do

have you followed the advice to ring womens aid? they are not going to come round and take your daughter away - they would help you and advise you about the violence and arguing/abuse issues that you and DH have.
did you mention it to the health visitor?

when you go to the doctor on thursday think about telling them the whole picture - your hv cannot help you if you don't tell them the whole picture. You are a family that is struggling with many issues - depression, violence, breastfeeding etc - you need proper help - speak to your health visitor and doctor, ring womens aid, ring relate - get the help you and dh need from whoever can provide it and start to move on to a new chapter where you can enjoy being a family, either with or without DH.

A cautionary tale - my niece now has post traumatic stress disorder from being in a household where there was domestic violence. She is a teenager, not a baby, so its a different situation - I am not trying to scare you I'm trying to tell you that the time to act is now.

and please do not think its ok to be hit/shouted at/abused if your dd is not around - its not. You are worth more than this. So is your DD.

Please please get the help that you need before this spiral gets any worse.

No it doesn't mean it's your fault at all I had a feeling he might be heaping this fuckwittery at your feet. Whilst it is hard seeing someone you love struggle with depression, blaming them will not improve the situation for them!

I don't know about brain development I can't see how that would work, particularly if you are treating your depression and seeking help. I does sound like your HV is being less than helpful (not unusual I know!) Is there a cpn your GP could refer you too, maybe you could ask on thurs, write it down if you are too embarased to ask in person.

Can I just second the you will move past this, as you get help for your depression and the counseling for the situation you find yourself in. And your dd won't remember any of this.... you in tears, the sadness non of it, all she will know will be a chilled out (mostly, I am a realist!) mummy who she knows loves her completely. But it will be ONE DAY AT A TIME!

But to be chilled out you will need to address the dv/ emotional issues too, (I'm not ignoring them I just think you need to get yourself sorted) Iknow the issues are closely interwoven no support from your D?H and yourD?M have contributed to the situation but first and foremost get yourself and your dd help with the depression.

Doris - I love you. But have you read the first replies to this thread which have said that I'm damaging DD?

Btw I must say to everyone that when DH "hits" me it's not black and blue hospitalisation. More of a thump on my leg or arm. And sometimes he pushes me. It hurts at the time but there's no lasting damage. I dont want people to think i'm sitting here with a black eye. Any black eyes I've ever had have been administered to me by myself.