Does this email seem unreasonable?

[LittleAmy]

Hi everyone.

I know I'm posting in the lions den here, but I'd appreciate your views as to whether this email to my husband seems in any way unreasonable or confrontational.

Thank you.

Can you see where I'm coming from at all?

I look after DD all through the day every working day. I exclusively breastfeed our daughter. It's demanding and exhausting.

I've got postnatal depression and I'm not coping very well. I need support to get better. You provide a lot of support and I appreciate it. I will be able to thank you properly when I am better. When you told me K was visiting I was excited. I love K. She is my favourite of your family members. I imagined we would spend some time together. I never got to see K properly last time she visited because you both went to the club so I was looking forward to finally bonding with her this time. But then I found out that you'll be spending the evening in the club again. I was very dissapointed and also frustrated by the 24 hours notice. Would it not have been possible to discuiss the plans with her last week? At least then I would have had a weeks notice to be mentally prepared. Last minute changes to plans is particularly triggering for me because I'm an anxious person.

When I went to dry my hair this evening I mulled everything over in my head to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable, rather than snap at you the moment you said it. I thought with an hour to mull over it then it wouldn't seem as bad, but the more I thought about it, the more inconsiderate your last minute plans seemed. In light of my recent mental state, specifically my struggling to look after DD for longer than 10 hours at a time, I couldn't understand why I was being left with her all day and then all evening, particularly as DD is most grumpy in the evenings. Depending on her temperment it can be a two-person job. Yet I anticipated our argument. Because me communicating my displeasure in something always ends terribly. I anticipated that you would say I hate your family because that is often said in arguments. But I hoped that my effort with your parents yesterday went at least some way to showing that I enjoy your familys company. But my making an effort with them seems to have gone unnoticed. It makes me feel sad that my efforts to bond with your family (particularly your mam) mean little to you and instead you insist that I hate them. It makes no sense to me.

Then I couldn't understand why we couldn't afford to purchase a scarf for K despite the fact that it costs £20 to go to the club for two nights. And that you expect my mam to buy it.

Most of all I'm saddened that despite my best efforts to get through the day keeping DD content and happy I had succeeded until tonight. But our poor little girl has had to watch us shouting and hitting eachother again. She is going to grow up anxious like me. I didn't want her to grow up like me. It's a horrible way to live.

We are failing our little girl. It brakes my heart, even more than your hatred for me.

When we were arguing this evening I heard you shout that it was all my fault, because I wanted children. But I was very careful to include you in the decision to have children. DD was very much planned by both of us. I don't think it helps anyone to keep mentioning that I wanted children. DD was wanted by both of us, so we're both "to blame". You are a grown man with over 40 years experience. When we coneived DD I was confident in your conviction to be a good father and I thought you genuenly wanted her. Was I wrong? It's too late for either of us to have regrets now.

I love you and I believe that you love me too. I don't think you do things like arrange nights out with malace. But it would save lots of heartache if we made joint decisions. When I am kept in the dark it makes me feel that you think my feelings are unimportant. It infantises me. It was assumed that I would be able to look after DD all day Friday then Friday evening on my own and also Sunday evening on my own. It leads me to think that you don't understand the extent of my depression. I don't know what else I can do to communicate the depth of my depression. I always thought I was quite demonstrative and transparent about it.

I would like to hear your thoughts.

x x

P.S. I've been very careful to word this email with "I feel" and "I think" rather than starting sentences with "you". I'm hoping that it will be less confrontational.

I'd rather sort this than leave. I really don't want to seperate DD from her dad. My dad is dead and I dont want DD to lose hers. I'd rather get this sorted. DH and I still love eachother but we both grew up in 'toxic' environments. I'd rather we sort this as a couple and salvage DDs childhood.

Does this make sense?

Yes it does. As I said - relationships are complex and we should all have teaching about them in schools.

Look up the relate website - you can get help face to face, on the phone and even through email. You can still use them if your partner refuses.

Also think about some counselling just for you to try and give yourself some confidence and self worth.

If you are depressed, speak to your GP in case you need antidepressants and therapy.

But most of all...please stay in touch on this thread - I am really concerned for you all [hugs]

amijee I'm on the waiting list for counselling.

I know I sound naive but, is arguing infront of your child (without the violence) child abuse?

I genuinelly feel that there is a very good possibility that we could stop the violence (I have already done so. I've stopped shouting too), but I'm not so sure about the arguing. That seems like a tougher nut to crack.

but it is not just normal arguing littleamy

you are being hit

I think someone with more experience needs to give you advice...

please, someone?

YOUR HUSBAND HITS YOU

Hi Amy only just read the OP and a few posts and tbh I have nothing to add - this is so complicated and beyond my experience. Just wanted to add my support and say if you still fancy meeting up (weather permitting) I'd be up for it.

reading this made me very sad.....the email was heartwrenching..if your husband would not respond to that then he simply is a horrible person...also, you are worth so much more than a person who treats you terrribly...myhusband would NEVER hit me or treat me bad and i simply wouldnt stand for it....dont think you are stuck...there are people who can help..you CAN cope...you had a baby!!! thats amazing and so are you!! xxxx

He 'came at you' because you were justifiably upset that he was abandoning you tospend time and money away from you when you are so vulnerable, and today he punched you in the arm and leg?

TBH SS have enough on their plate without removing babies from every violent family. I doubt very much whether SS would remove a child unless the child itself was being hit. SS is a red herring IMO. But make no mistake, yours is a violent family. Your concern is that you are with a man who hits you. Remaining calm and not hitting back was a GOOD MOVE and showed tremendous strength, but your message should be 'if you ever hit me again I will leave with the baby and that's IT'. It is 100% NOT ok for him to hit you whether in front of the baby or not!

Children know very well when their mother is subjected to violence, whether they witness it directly or not.

Seek advice and help. Your counsellinh sessions will be a good start. But if he hits you again, or you fe he is about to hit you, take the baby and go to your Mum's.

"we could stop the violence (I have already done so."

You've stopped hitting back - but bth ties he has attacked you first. How can you stop that???

Tela thank you for that link. I've read it thoroughly and emailed it to DH. I texted him (he's at the pub with his dad) saying that we need to stop the violence and shouting for DDs sake. He texted back saying: "Its our duty to sort it out, atm we are both really struggling to cope, its so depressing :("

DD is 5 months old. How much damage would have been done by this point? Can we salvage this? I'm watching her sleeping (via babymonitor). She looks so peaceful, innocent and vulnerable :( It brakes my heart.

I'm beginning to think that everything I do damages DD. I have PND (I have sought help and HV is aware). So does this damage her too? I get upset a lot. My moods/outlook on life is unstable. When I manage to get out of the house and speak to other human beings I feel a lot better, but this is not always possible as I don't have any friends and rely on the local children's centre (which doesn't have activities on every day). Even when I do get out I'm still fragile.

Also I'm a breastfeeding maryter (sp?) but absolutely won't give up, even though I can see the benefits to myself if I give up. Is this further evidence that my mental health is screwed up? I never give up on anything in life.

DH is finding it hard to cope with my PND to be honest. I often wonder if I didn't have PND how very different things would be. I feel mostly to blame for any harm you guys say DD is suffering. DH is more violent, but my PND is hard work and pushes him to the edge.

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow, about antidepressants.

I'm trying hard to go in the right direction to get a healthier life for DD but my mind and my life feels like a mist. I am forgetful, dopey, and irrational. I can't think straight. I have irrational thoughts, such as "if you take antidepressants you'll get fat. Then if you and DH end up splitting up no man will ever look at you because you'll be so fat and hideous." and also "if you give up breastfeeding you will live with the guilt for the rest of your life."

SPB thank you. The weather is pretty bad up here at the moment isn't it?

And if one person stops arguing and shouting, and the other doesn't....?

This is making me feel very cold, right in my heart. Please consider that trying to "get it sorted" and "sort it out rather than have DD lose her father" might be pride talking. Becoming and being a good parent involves a lot of swallowing pride, taking least-bad options, making do for the good (or equilibrium) of all.

MsKlo- of course she can ask for help. SS would rather keep a family together then split them up. Asking for help would show that you are trying to put the childs needs first. I would try the GP if you would like help with anger issues, but would your husband be willing to take an anger management course? Does he accept theres a problem?

LittleAmy- it IS child abuse, like I said its emotional abuse. I wrote a whole assignment on a case study of a woman who's child was on the at risk register due to being with a violent partner. Don't bury your head in the sand, it is what it is.

from the sounds of it the best thing you could do for your DD (and yourself) is get well away from her violent father.

think of your DD in 20 or so years time - would you want her to be in the same position you are now? Wouldn't you want her to think she was worth more than a life of unhappiness with an abusive man?

Sorry x-posted just read your last reply. Its great that you both recognise it needs sorting. Good luck at the doctors.

Actually no :o For once we have no snow! But I believe you have iot quite a bit worse.
Well done for seeing your doctor and getting the antidepressents - are you planning to take them?
You have done really well to ebf this far, and hopefully until 6mo when you'll wean (I assume?). The pressure will be off a bit then.

oh sorry, you're seeing the doc tomorrow, good luck

"And if one person stops arguing and shouting, and the other doesn't....?"

I'm hoping that one will have a positive effect on the other. so if I stop violence and shouting, then he will too.

DH and me are both arseholes. I think we rub eachother the wrong way. My PND sets him off then his reaction makes me worse, and so on. If I change my behaviour there will be less to trigger him?

Make no mistake, I'm hard work. I have deep depression. I'm very hard work to be around. Even my mum said she'd be reluctant to take me back because I'm such hard work. Small things going wrong always seem huge to me. Example: when we left home this morning there was no snow but when we arrived home this evening the snow was thick. I then got very panicy thinking how on earth will I get out of the house this week? I'll never get the pram through the snow (I don't drive). I'm going to be stuck inside alone all week. Then I sunk into deeper depression with those thoughts.

fluffy what happened to the woman you studied?