to think this is really wrong

[orator]

I've got a friend who has 2 DS's and her H is sailing obsessed. Nearly every weekend in the spring/summer they take them down to Wales where they have a caravan and a boat and they go sailing. The kids don't really like it particulary the youngest but they are made to do it regardless. She says that the husband works hard and that his wages pay for their education (they go to private school) and so he deserves to pursue his hobby.
AIBU to think this is really wrong or do you agree with her

Our family started sailing when my bother and I were similar ages. Loved it at first but got a bit hacked off when I was about 11 because I couldn't spend much time with my friends at weekends in the summer. I probably moaned about it and sulked on Friday nights for a little while, but by the time Saturday morning came and we were off on another adventure, I was happy as larry. I bet at that age, I would have moaned at length to my friend's parents if they phrased their questions in a particular way. What I enjoyed about sailing changed all the time and I probably didn't have the words to express myself properly.

I wouldn't have changed it for the world. We are a very close family, mainly because we spent a lot of time together, experienced a lot as a family and also got to visit and get to know a lot of the British Isles. My brother and I are now well into our thirties and still spend a significant amount of our holidays on the boat with our parents. In fact, we are just preparing to sail from the Canaries to Barbados in a month's time.

Just wanted to balance the stories of those that hated it.

Oh FFS. All these people are doing is teaching their DC that the world doesn't revolve around them, and their parents aren't just there to wait on them hand and foot. That's not a bad life lesson, if you ask me.

My DP got dragged to the allotment every weekend by his dad. He hated it. Aged 39, he now couldn't live without his own veggie patch and heads straight outside to weed whenever he's back from a stressful day. (He also wooed me with spring onions and a cavalo nero when we first starting going out )

YANBU this sounds dreadful

I think that it would do all DCs good to be forced out to a caravan in Wales with the chance to sail- and the ones that moan the most are the most in need!
As an adult I would have very little sympathy with anyone who told me they were estranged from their parents because they were forced out in the fresh air.I suspect that if those people had been given every alternative weekend to do their choice they would still complain!

I think this sounds very worrying, doing things as a family is nice but all members should enjoy it.

I see that I am an utter failure as a parent-I take them fell walking and they say they don't like it and I should have said 'never mind darlings of course Mummy will give it up for the next 10 years until you can be left home alone'.
Luckily I didn't and they now do it without me-for pleasure.

piscesmoon
Do you take them fell walking every weekend? Both Saturday and Sunday?

This is what I see to be the problem. Not that the children sometimes have to go along with the parent's hobby, but that this is all they do.

I think the information we have is a bit limited.

Firstly, I agree with the person who has pointed out that no way are they sailing the whole time they are there. I had this kind of upbringing (well not the private school, but the weekends sailing in Wales), and even though we were all keen sailors, the days when you can sail all day are quite limited due to weather, and the weekends we spent at the caravan therefore also involved a lot of time on beaches, walks, BBQs, bike rides, etc. and also meeting other kids who were down there a lot too.

So they 'don't really like' sailing (nobody has said they hate it BTW), but regardless of how this is being portrayed, they will be doing lots of other things down there too.

I agree that kids shouldn't have to spend all their time doing something they hate, but it's very unlikely that this is actually the case.

I also spent a lot of time looking around deadly dull ruins as a child, which was deadly dull, but that doesn't mean it was wrong of my parents to do it.

D

We did something similar to what the person in the OP sounds to be doing with their children. We assumed that our children would come to love diving they never did and we did force them to do it. It was a dreadful mistake and a terrible thing to do to them and now they have little to do with me or my DH and this is the main reason as we both ignored their wishes and went on with it anyway.
I regret what we did greatly and feel sad that I have such a poor relationship with my daughters.

Of course not MmeLindt, but quite often and whole holidays doing it. He isn't taking them sailing every weekend-9 out of 10 in the summer months. This leaves plenty of free weekends and long school holidays.
I don't see why he has to give up for children and he will be called selfish if he goes off on his own.
Unfortunately you can't request the right sort of DC-they probably take after grandparents or great uncle Fred! Those who don't speak to their parents because they were dragged off horse riding etc should bear in mind that their own DCs may well be fanatical about horses (having got the right gene) and be deeply resentful that they never knew their horsey grandparents!
It is a pity people can't swap their parents-one lots 'utterly dreadful' are some one else's 'dream parents'.
I have never actually come across a DC who has been on an activity week with kayaking, pony treking etc who hasn't loved it.
I doubt whether OP ones hate it-everyone likes a moan and I daresay if they were to be left behind they wouldn't like it either.

'and even though we were all keen sailors, the days when you can sail all day are quite limited due to weather, and the weekends we spent at the caravan therefore also involved a lot of time on beaches, walks, BBQs, bike rides, etc. and also meeting other kids who were down there a lot too.'

Exactly-anyone who has been on a caravan site in Wales knows there are lots of other DCs.
I shouldn't worry piko-your grandchildren will probably love diving and think their own parents mad to waste the opportunity.

My dad is a fanatical glider pilot. We spent every summer weekend at the gliding club waiting to see if he might be able to fly and competitions were also our main summer holiday.

I'm not keen. None of his DCs like flying and we all hated the waited around and moping.

But we managed. We found other children to run about with when dad wasn't actually flying, my mum took us on expeditions while he was in the air, even sitting in the caravan reading or watching tv. All fab. I'm glad I did it. It certainly wouldn't be something to fall out with my parents about and find it a bit sad that people would.

IIRC, we stopped going at about the same time we went to secondary school and dad went on his own but by that stage we were doing our own things anyway and mum was a chaffeur.

I think it's really none of your business.

I think some people are underestimating the impact of this on the children. I was forced into the "sailing world" because I should keep the family happy and because I was a quiet and shy child even into my teens my parents never listened to me or my wishes and I didn't assert them very strongly. The misery I endured as I was dragged away from my friends to do something I despised still upsets me when I think about it.
I'm not a whineyarse as a previous posters has stated and it certainly doesn't dominate my life but it does grate a little.

I don't think it's really wrong, as you ask in your OP.

It's a weird thing to be so bothered about as to post on AIBU.

There must be more to it, than some other family's pastime...?

I'm a bit split on this one, although I don't think that parents should pander to their childrens every wish and demand, I can't help feel that taking them away to do something they don't even like isn't a very good thing to do. Other posters who have had similar treatment have said that it has affected their relationship with their parents and although I wouldn't want to belittle that, is it something that justifies estrangement or stopping them seeing their grandchildren, I don't think it is.

I have to say that if my DH took us away to do something that he loved that I was indifferent to and the kids hated then I wouldn't be very impressed and 9 out of 10 weekend in spring and summer and the main family holiday does sound a bit much. I suppose we don't know enough about this individual case though to pass a definitive judgement but I don't think it is something I would do.

Yikes! We live on a yacht. No DC yet but we are ttc. I predict that a lot of my children's time will be spent sailing!

In reality sailing isn't one of those hobbies you can do ALL the time anyway as it is so weather dependant. Even living on the boat and travelling along the coast you get days on end when you can't actually sail. So surely they are doing other things as well?

But nobody has actually said the kids hate or despise it. The OP said that the friend said they 'don't really like it'. This might well mean they're actually fine with it some of the time and get a bit bored if there's no wind or a bit scared if there's too much. We simply don't know. If the kids are also having opportunities to do other things for the vast proportion of the time (9 out of 10 weekends in spring/summer is probably about 15 weekends in a year, then subtract the days when the weather isn't suitable, they're probably not being forced into a boat all that much), then I don't see the problem.

I am sure if the kids actually hated or despised it, there would be so much whingeing and moaning that it wouldn't be something the Dad would want to do either (at least not with them).

I think this would be different again if they were in a sailing club at home and were being forced to hang around there all autumn and winter too, but that's not the case.

D

I think my biggest problem is that they are being taken away from where they live to do this. I can't say the thought of spending many weekends in a caravan appeals to me at all and it certainly wouldn't have done when I was younger.

"I think my problem is they are both in school from 8-5 during the week and are dragged off to wales every weekend during the summer"

Why is this your problem??????

I think the OPs problem is that if they have a long school day and are then taken away at weekends then the children won't get to pursue activities out of school?

YANBU I can't think of anything worse for a 7 and a 9 yo to be doing then spending weekends in a caravan in Wales, 100 miles away from where they live.

I really really can't see anything wrong with this.

I drag my whole family (all 6 of us) to Italy to see my extended family every single school holiday and I expect they won't love it when they are older, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it - I am sure when the kids are teenagers they will come to some sort of compromise too. They are still very young.

I think it's something they will remember fondly when they're older, and like someone else said, life is not all about the kids but doing things that parents enjoy too!!!

I think this is a nonsense argument. It will be relaxed on a caravan site-there will be other DCs,chance to swim, bikes to ride in safety, balls to kick etc and they probably have a shop on site they can go to on their own.
At home, if the majority of MN is to be believed, their DCs won't be able to play out and just call for friends, they won't be able to go to the local shop, SS will be called if they are left at home alone for 2 mins , they won't get chance to swim because mother hates swimming pools (and anyway a 9yr old boy needs to get changed in the ladies to be safe)and they can't do a sleepover because mother hasn't know the family for 10yrs and hasn't had written notes on their childrearing philosophy- in addition they will need to do a supermarket shop. I don't see what is so wonderful about being at home!
We all have different attitudes and DCs have to fit in. I think it madness to take a 3 yr old on a plane journey for a summer holiday when they are quite happy near at home in wellies on the beach. I think it madness to send them to a holiday club when you all have the chance to be together. I don't say so but I think those two examples are much worse than weekends in Wales-each to their own.
They can't hate it that much-he would go on his own if they sulked and were tearful.