to think this is really wrong

[orator]

I've got a friend who has 2 DS's and her H is sailing obsessed. Nearly every weekend in the spring/summer they take them down to Wales where they have a caravan and a boat and they go sailing. The kids don't really like it particulary the youngest but they are made to do it regardless. She says that the husband works hard and that his wages pay for their education (they go to private school) and so he deserves to pursue his hobby.
AIBU to think this is really wrong or do you agree with her

It would however be 'really wrong' if its not merely boring but if one of them was scared shitless - we didn't contemplate starting to sail again till this year because we knew our DD wouldn't be ready for it till now.

I don't think anyone on this thread is suggesting that the family should do what thechildren want all the time. And I wouldn't either - I think children need to learn to be flexible and do stuff that's not just what they want all the time. But to go sailing in Wales nearly every weekend in the summer is a great many weekends without anything different to do. Which is fine if everyone enjoys it, but not everyone does.

It's great for all the pople who say "I would have loved it" but that's what you would have liked.

If I said ok this weekend we are going to have a family time at home and read books/do crosswords all weekend would you be the same? Because that is what my sister's idea of heaven would have been. Maybe that's why she grew up to be a research scientist and ace crossword puzzler. But she certainly would have been very resentful if she had had to spend most of her summer weekends doing sailing. The odd weekend here and there would have been fine. But not most weekends during summer.

And I dispute the idea that if children don't do outdoor type activities they spend the weekend either glued to the computer or at shopping centres. We often have weekends at home which involve neither of these activities, but ds will do a lot of reading/drawing/music/Lego/Playmobil etc. He is 9. He would probably enjoy sailing once in a while. But not almost every weekend during summer.

ok so it may not be their favourite activity now, but just think what those sailing skills will do for them when they are older... A friend of mine skippers on luxury yachts and regularly gets tips of £25k+ for sailing celebrities around the med.

"All part of growing up and being British" and/or "character building" - as my stepfather used to say when he dragged us all over the place camping when we were little. We may have grumbled at the time but I look back with incredibly fond memories

Am I the only person who wants my faimly activities to be enjoyed by all members of the family. If the children are not enjoying it then the parents either need to look at ways in which to make it more enjoyable for the kids or do something else as a family. I think its shocking that some parents think that forcing your kids to do something which they don't like is "family time" which is good for all.
Reratio and other posters posts show what might happen later in life if you just totally ride over the top of your childrens wishes.

So, dad has a hobby. Instead of going off on his own 'nearly every weekend' he takes his family. Where they get to spend time together, talking, learning a skill (even if they don't use it again in their lives) and get fresh air etc.

Yeah, really really wrong, that!

I believe time together is more important than the activity! And lets face it, if you think this is really wrong, how would you feel if the father buggered off on his own, or the parents left the children with friends/relatives?

Life is all about doing things you don't always want to. For your teacher, for your boss, for your spouse....good lesson to learn, imo!

YADNBU the fact that the children don't like sailing should send a message to the parents. Do they think it makes for a good parent-child relationship if their father is forcing them to go sailing every weekend in summer irrespective of the fact that they don't like it and don't enjoy it.

I agree with dertitude, family time should be enjoyable for all not just the mum and dad. The two children don't enjoy it so something needs to be done to improve the experience for them or they need to look at other things that they could do as a family.
If the youngest is only 7 and he doesn't like it and the parents continue doing it regardless until he is 14/15 (the age at which he could concievably be left home alone for the weekend) then I think there could be major problems. 7-8 years doing something you don't like every weekend in summer is bound to create some resentment and their going to have a very angry young man.

YABU. It's not your family, outdoor family activities are nice and Wales is lovely.

Plus, sailing sounds far more entertaining then having to spend far too many Sundays shut in a room at the Mess having to watch Bugsy Malone on repeat with a load of other kids like I did. But no, I don't resent my parents for it, it was just part of life. I'm also not a whinyarse (lol at SGB).

YANBU.
Many of you are being quite horrid to OP. Who in the world is jealous of sailing? It's cold, expensive and thoroughly unpleasant hard work if you hate it. The alternative isn't spending all weekend shopping or on the XBox 360, there's horse-riding, playing out with friends, playing with toys, fun swims, going to the park with friends, bike rides, visiting museums....

Monopolizing every weekend in the summer months with this single activity, when the children clearly dislike it, is patently unkind. He should pursue his hobby some weekends without the children or have a few weekends at home doing stuff they like.

Now I wonder if I've been a prat by not reading OP carefully enough ... if you can bear it OP, what did you mean by "nearly" every weekend. Does that mean 18 out of 20 or 12/20? I was in the YANBU camp for 18/20, but 12/20 would veer me towards YABU territory.

My DH likes classic cars. We drag the DC around car shows and meetings about 3 or 4 times a year. DS likes it a bit but DD is not at all interested.

If DH insisted on going to a meeting every weekend I would not be impressed.

It is not abuse but it is a sign that the parents do not take the wishes of the dc into consideration. Which leads me to believe that it is not just the sailing.

Why is it ok for the parents to drag their dc along to their hobby just because it is something that is seen to be healthy. If the father was a stamp collector would it be ok to take the dc to stamp collector meetings.

Can you imagine the uproar if a poster asked if she was being unreasonable in not wanting to drag the children all over the country to watch Man Utd play every weekend?

From the parents point of view it must be horrible to have a passion for something and 2 children who sulk and moan the entire time and don't even make an effort to enjoy it!

I think they need to have a family discussion about it if they really hate it-(not something proved by the OP) but the DCs need to realise that parents are people too with passions, interests and hobbies and part of being a family is doing things that you wouldn't necessarily choose yourself for the sake of other members. If it was me I would come to a compromise, go slightly less, leave them with grandparents and go alone but they would have to accept that at 7 and 9 yrs they were coming sometimes- and if I was giving some of it up when they did come they had to smile and be pleasant!

Those people who deeply resent parents for dragging them around places had other problems in the relationship, I suspect,and were not generally listened to or consulted about anything.

I did lots of things as a DC that I wouldn't have chosen-being dragged off to motor races was the worst- but I didn't watch, I took a book and was quite happy. I very much suspect that the DCs have more time in Wales when they don't sail than when they do. It is up to them to use the time with what they want to do-take books, sketchbooks, board games etc.

The DCs are a bit pathetic if they can't amuse themselves. One of the best things that you can do for your DCs is let them be bored and use their imagination.

It is unfortunate that OP hasn't come back and given us more information. From the scant details we have, people have decided that the father is a high earning bully who gets his own way by continually telling them that he is paying for education so the trade off is spending all spare time on his hobby. I expect that it is far from the truth and that more than half the year is spent on child centred activities and, since private schools get far longer holidays than the father will manage, they have masses of time in the summer and spring when they are at home doing other things. When they are teenagers I doubt whether he will manage it (although they may love it and be grateful by then) but it is fair enough to take a 7 yr old and 9yr old with you.

YANBU spending nearly every weekend in the spring and summer doing something that the children don't like sounds terrible.

Bit of a hijack here: those of you who think family activities should be enjoyable for all- what do you do if your children only enjoy watching television and would like to spend all summer (autumn/spring/winter) indoors in their town house slumped on the settee?

Ds hates all outdoor activities with a vengeance. We have tried virtually everything to enthuse him, but he really does want to spend his time as a couch potato, preferably eating crisps all the time. I otoh have been told by my doctor that I must have fresh air and exercise. (The doctor is also of the opinion that ds ought to be having the same). Besides, dh and I loathe sitting indoors on a fine day- so there's no way the whole family (if the family includes dh and me) could be kept happy just accommodating ds. So how do we find an activity that makes everybody happy? We can't can we? And what he wants is actually considerably less good for all of us.

I was brought up to believe that human beings actually need fresh air and exercise and that this is better for them than a lot of things that some children might prefer if they were allowed to choose.

My take is that there are enough winter and autumn and just generally bad weather days when ds gets his preferred activity: on a fine summer's day, it's my turn to get mine- I still get far less than him.

And in this sailing family I suspect it's going to be the same: the days you can't sail far outweigh the days on which you can and even on a sailing day, you won't be sailing from dawn to dusk.

I think it sounds apalling, the children don't like it and yet they are hauled off away to do it.

I agree totally Piscesmoon - and good point about the school holidays. Public schools have months off, so punctuating that with a sailing trip which as the op says is "nearly every weekend" not every is hardly the abuse that it seems to be seen as here. So during their 8 weeks of summer holiday they spend a maximum of 16 days sailing - hardly an eternity is it?

Sorry I've not been back sooner

They spend their main holidays at the caravan and sailing as well as probably 9 out of 10 weekends.

Well perhaps a change of sailing location might be a nice idea for them then. If daddy is so obsessed then perhaps he could take them sailing somewhere warmer for the main holl...
This discussion is all by the by unless the OP is really the mother in this jolly sailing family, or she intends showing the thread - or perhaps the mummy is already an MNer and the hope is that she will stumble across this

Cory
Our DC prefer to sit in front of the TV eating crisps but get dragged out for a walk. Once they are out they enjoy it. Would he enjoy a treasure hunt? We did that one time to get the DC running around town on a cold winter's day.

It is about compromise - not spending all day each weekend doing what one family member wishes to do.

They spend their main holiday and most of the weekends in spring/summer doing this despite the fact that their dc don't like it. Crikey I sometimes feel that I don't listen to my dcs wants and needs perhaps I'm not as bad as I thought.

Again, OP, WTF has this got to do with you anyway? And how are you so sure that the children hate it? Do you watch and quiz them constantly?

I just raised it because the youngest dc is my ds best friend, I know it has nothing to do with me but I just felt really uneasy about it and wondered what other peoples thoughts would be.
Their mum has told me that the youngest dc hates it and the eldest ds isn't very keen either.

Does your friend like sailing?

I don't think she dislikes it but I don't think she likes it that either iyswim