to prefer changing nappies rather than battle potty training?

[Cadpat]

MIL thinks I am being a lazycow laid back parent.

Backstory, DD turns 3 next month, and we've had two aborted attempts at potty training. She knows the theory, will ocasionally go on the potty, tells me as soon as she's done a poo so I can change her. But she's not bothered about being trained otherwise, and I honestly think she cannot get the hang of going on the potty or telling us before she goes, as opposed to after.

But, to be honest, I cannot be bothered to go through the stress of potty training, staying indoors, cleaning up messes, stressing both of us out, yada yada. Changing nappies is so much easier.

DH is getting antsy too now (he probably wouldn't if he had to clean up after her) Anyway, I have decided to leave it for however long it takes, I don't care about changing nappies, much prefer it to the stress of training andhopingnurserywilldoiteventually. AIBU?

PMSL Spider, they sound ridiculous fab

LOL These will do her nicely for the fancy dress Xmas party

I too dreaded toilet training but it doesn't have to be all at once and loads of accidents. I was inspired by "Potty Training Boys" by Simone Cave and Caroline Fertelman (there is also a '?Girls' version) to start with laidback training 'sessions' with DS (now 3.2) and so far it's worked v. well.

Started at 2.9 months with only incentive the fancy new pants he'd just chosen (he also got to choose the potty and unwrap the Lupilu family toilet seat) and knowing this is what adults and older kids do. He started enthusiastically, promptly followed by a puddle which devastated him. He said it wasn't normal, as Mummy didn't do puddles, and said he'd try again "when I'm a man" (!)

Then I read him 'Once Upon a Potty' by Alona Frankel, which convinced him this was normal, and 'Aliens love Underpants' and Nick Sharatt's 'Pants' for inspiration, and 3 weeks later he agreed to try again.

First he just agreed to try out the pants for a few hours a day for about a month, wearing nappies the rest of the time, to build confidence. Then he agreed to wearing them over occasional meals as well for a month, and started to agree they were more comfortable than nappies. Then 2 months of wearing them all the time at home but 'out and about nappies' whenever we went out, save 3 short local walks. We were starting to wonder if we'd need to set a deadline for wearing them out, but then 2 weeks ago he agreed to wear them out "next Saturday". He did so, and then wore them full time every other day last week, including during 2 long car trips. Only 3 puddles throughout, fortunately missing any carpets, and 1 pair dreaded poopy pants mercifully produced in the garden and contained in said pants - and all those in the first 2 months.

Anyway, good luck. It sounds like she's ready now - and you can't avoid being involved!

I have to admit I really don't understand people's dislike of potties - DD1 is now 4.5 and has been trained since just before her 2nd b'day. All her friends were trained later & many of them no longer have potties in the house - I think this is a bit unfair - unless your child is tall for their age, I wouldn't want to have to search for a step (& possibly a loo seat) & then clamber on to it whilst desperately needing a pee. Loos are designed to comfortable for adults. We do have a built-in loo seat & she uses it most of the time but the potty is there for when she really needs to go. (It is also useful for transporting DD2's rinsed poopy nappies back from the loo to the nappy bucket.)

We trained DD1 in a week - she wasn't asking to go to the loo or able to take down her pants but she does drink loads & was peeing through two layers of washable nappies so it was either go for it or start buying disposables. In the first week we got through 40 pairs of pants but we were making headway & by the end of the fortnight we were having maybe one accident every 4-5 days and she was dry at night. Chocolate buttons as a reward (at any time of the day!) worked wonders in concentrating her mind.

I do think that doing it before they're 3 has the advantage that it is just another new thing to learn - like climbing stairs, using cutlery, etc. when they are busy learning lots of new things. Later that process has slowed down & many of friends had to enter into negotiations with their children rather than the child just accepting it was another thing that was cool to learn. Guess we'll see when DD2 gets older

YANBU.

Mine just cracked it last week with very little pushing from me - I did try it aboout 4 months ago and he wasn't ready - he managed to do it all by himself in 2 weeks (and 2 weeks ago) and is now dry at night as well. He'll be 3 at the end of Jan by the way.

I didn't do rewards - he was so proud of himself that was reward enough :)

Your last paragraph GraceK was pretty much what my DF said to me the other day...he also told me (somehow without irritating the hell out of me) that he though DD 3 and a bit was more than ready to be out of nappies. Anyway, he was right. She loves it, only 1 napping accident so far.

I went to a wedding in July and one of the guests had a 7 month old that she was doing EC (elimination communication) with. It was fascinating. I'd like to give it a go if I do have another child.

I don't really know if YABU or not. I agree with many of the points made on the thread, but diagree with some others.

I do think the parent has to be in the right frame of mind, and that if they are not then significant stress to both child and parent can happen. I have seen parents who end up screaming at their child for getting poo on the carpet or after weeks of frustration and accidents repeatedly demanding to know why their child is doing this to them. Is it any wonder these children get hang-ups.

One think I have found helpful is to try to think of toilet/potty training as a longer process than simply happening from the moment you remove the nappy. Teaching babies/toddlers about their bodily functions can begin much earlier and this all helps when the time for ditching the nappies arrives. Letting them see you use the loo and once they're old enough to be interested look at what you've done and talk through the wiping, flushing etc every time you go helps to role-model the behaviour you want. Even in babies, if you see them going red in the face you can say "you're doing a poo" and at nappy change time you can talk to them about what they've done and how you're wiping/clening etc. Some parents never seem to talk to their children about this stuff, yet ultimately if we want them to learn what their bodies do, gain control of those functions and learn to go somewhere other than a nappy they are going to need some explanations.

Another thing I don't get is parents who leave their baby/toddler in a dirty nappy longer than absolutely necessary. This is surely just teaching children that it's OK to be sitting in poo.

Personally, I prefer to begin potty training proper before the toddler tantrums phase starts, even if this does mean greater vigilence over ensuring they actually go at regular intervals to avoid accidents. For my children, I feel I'd rather spend the minimum amount of their lives encouraging them to wet and soil their most intimate clothing (which is after all what a nappy is), when I'm then going to expect them to do the exact opposite for the rest of their lives. I wouldn't like having wee/poo smeared all over my bum, so I'd like to help my children learn not to have to put up with this either as soon as they are physically capable. Other people may choose a different approach .

Rillyrilly, I think the reason he's petrified of the potty is the fact that these days the potty training guides are largely written by the disposible manufacturers who say wait wait wait don't introduce the potty till he's ready. (Well they would say that wouldn't they?)

Whereas back in the 50s and 60s, good old Dr Spock says to introduce the potty really early on to catch wees and poos. Ergo child knows it's normal to use nappy OR the potty from an early age.

Thus when they are ready to drop the nappies they have a 'safe' alternative they're comfortable with to use.

Personally at 3, especially for a boy I'd ditch the idea of potty and encourage wees (with Daddy making a game of it) and a Max Ball (Google or see Mothercare) in the toilet from a step. And then progress on the poos from there (maybe with the book Poos go to Pooland)

My DD is 3.11 and still can't do stairs reliably like that - she was dry at 2.5 though (add's to lists of GF statements she disagrees with). However she did hang on to her poos and do them in her pants for a good couple of months afterwards - some one on here described doing first poos in the potty when you are 2 as feeling like the whole of your insides are falling out.

I did potty training "bootcamp" over a May bank holiday weekend simply because I didn't think it was fair to let nursery do it. Made her go every half hr for the first day (I would sit on the toilet at the same time) with a chocolate button as a reward and self chosen (cheap!) knickers. She had accidents a couple of days at nursery and then job done.
Mind you if there is something confusing or distressing going on (when we moved house, when she sees Daddy, etc) she does start wetting again and I just try to make no big deal out of it.

Cadpat I feel your pain. DD3 was 3 & days ago and I have been under pressure for ages from friends and family to potty train her.

I potty trained DD's1&2 at 2.9 (they're twins). The one who was showing all the signs of being ready was a real nightmare and still (occasionally) has wet pants now (aged 7!). We tried everything with her, anyway the upshot of that was that I really can't face potty training. (If I'm honest, if I'd thought through to the fact that I'd have to potty train again and realised how terrified of it I am, I don't think DD3 might be here!).

I was pinning my hopes on copping out and letting others do it (with all the power that peer pressure and wanting to please everyone who looks after you but isn't your mummy gives) at pre-school.

Unfortunately, it turns out that she needs to be dry to start pre-school. She starts in January. I am utterly f**ked!

Your DD sounds exactly like mine except that on the occasions that she uses the potty, she thinks that the object of the exercise is to get off of it as quickly as possible, so she'll do a tiny wee or tiny poo and then will often 5 minutes later fill her nappy or wee/poo on the floor.

I think DD'll be at home with me in January as I can't even begin to think how to make myself potty train again.

Am wondering if, for my Christmas present, we can get someone in to potty train her.

Also, before anyone says keep her on the potty for 5 mins longer, I mean she'll do something and can sit for about 15 mins doing nothing whilst I read, sing, play games with her to keep her there long enough to try to nsure she's finished and then 5 mins later...

PrematureEjoculation

There are lots of things that were done in the 50's and 60's that we wouldn't do now. That makes no sense. It suited people to take their children out of nappies at 18 months. It also suited them to put whiskey/sugar/rice/rusks in their bottles at 2 weeks.

If your child is happy and able to be trained at 18 months then fantastic. Some children are not ready at 18 months. Why force it just to be able to tick a box on a sheet that no one cares about? We should be led by what suits the child, nothing else.

Marnie'smummy - not sure if this will be a comfort or not but my youngest niece has been kept on the potty for upwards of half an hour, to get her to do a poo - she won't at all, waits until she has her nappy back on and then does it. Although only when she's standing up. Have suggested to my sister that niece might have ishoos doing poo while sitting - no real reason why she should, but she only ever seems able to do it standing. She wasn't properly potty trained until nearly 4.

Rockbird - well said.

They all get there in the end. Just leave it a while. Wait until she shows more interest and you have had a break from it all. It is so much easier training a child who is ready then trying to persuade a child that they are ready.

why use the word force rockbird?

training by force would be wrong at any age - and likely to be counter productive.

and there is no evidence base for later training - just a bunch of psychobabble unsubstantiated by research.

i suppose why one would get it done sooner: you got to do it sometime.

most people on here seem to have had to spend time explaining and encouraging to their LO to pt them, what's wrong with that?
That's what we ususally do as parents when we want a change in behaviour.

I don't get this expectation that a child will suddenly decide for itself it wants to use the loo without any nudging - for sure some children will. But many won't.

children also learn to wee/poo standing up if they are left in nappies.

in the wild as it were they'd learn to crouch to avoid dirtying their legs (and observing that behaviour from parents)

nappies are not a natural occurrence.

I'm sure pre-schools can't discriminate and refuse a child untrained at 3 Marniesmummie - don't have a stressful christmas just to get her 'done' for Jan 5th.

I'm sure someone can quote a link but it's Disability Discrimination Act.

Each to their own... But I found popping my boys on the potty at every nappy change from very young (20months or there abouts onwards) ya it took a few min longer but just got them familiar with it and of course I did a big clap, song and dance if they actually did something in it but when it came time for the real deal they were used to it, they weren't shocked or put out by it iykwim ds1 was dying to be just like his daddy and have big boy shorts, ds2 loved his nappy and did not want to say bye bye but one day he was asking for Hubba bubba which his older brother was allowed but not him as he wouldn't spit it just swallow and we'd told him a few times its only for big boys who wear big any shorts anyone in nappies can't have it, anyways he rips the nappy off and declare's himself a BIG BOY and we bined the nappy (very dramatically in ceremony ) then he got his first chew on a Hubba bubba! And of course I ran about shouting woohoo my little is a big man woohoo and generally makin a big happy crazy day outa it and that first day kept bringing him to the toilet/potty and he was brilliant! But I am really really lucky both my boys trained really really easily and both early, like seriously i wouldn't even tell people in real life about ds2 cause they'd either think I was bragging or lying like why would I? But still I'm sure it can be a sore/sensitive subject cause obviously all children/parents are different... Best of luck to all tryin atm

dixiechick we don't discriminate in a preschool. But it is a waste of time when we have to scare up extra staff to help out with a nappy change when we could be teaching your children.

2 is still quite young they are still babies! Don't panic if it hasn't happened yet. I am of the school of waiting until they know they are about to do a wee. It can actually make them refuse to use the potty later on if you try it before they are ready. I know perfectly NT children who have not potty trained until 3.10 I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Much better to have a happy mummy and happy child then a stressed mummy and child.

2 is still quite young they are still babies! Don't panic if it hasn't happened yet. I am of the school of waiting until they know they are about to do a wee. It can actually make them refuse to use the potty later on if you try it before they are ready. I know perfectly NT children who have not potty trained until 3.10 I honestly wouldn't worry about it. Much better to have a happy mummy and happy child then a stressed mummy and child.

Panzee Given that pre-school is about preparing children for school then surely assisting children to develop in anyway they need is learning, including learning to use the toilet. I don't agree that this is something that should be done soley at home - the week he went nappy free we discussed it at great length with his nursery as I value their opinion given that he spends two days a week there.

I am really glad that the staff at the preschool my son will be going to are relaxed about this too (on the same site as his nursery) - I am pleased that he is now out of nappies but it meant that I have never felt pressured or worried about it.