to prefer changing nappies rather than battle potty training?

[Cadpat]

MIL thinks I am being a lazycow laid back parent.

Backstory, DD turns 3 next month, and we've had two aborted attempts at potty training. She knows the theory, will ocasionally go on the potty, tells me as soon as she's done a poo so I can change her. But she's not bothered about being trained otherwise, and I honestly think she cannot get the hang of going on the potty or telling us before she goes, as opposed to after.

But, to be honest, I cannot be bothered to go through the stress of potty training, staying indoors, cleaning up messes, stressing both of us out, yada yada. Changing nappies is so much easier.

DH is getting antsy too now (he probably wouldn't if he had to clean up after her) Anyway, I have decided to leave it for however long it takes, I don't care about changing nappies, much prefer it to the stress of training andhopingnurserywilldoiteventually. AIBU?

I thought dd1 was ready at 3.2 years. She had just had a baby brother 4 months previous and the novelty had worn off and it was summer so we gave it a go. Cue 10 years of agony as she had a weak bladder and sphincter muscles. for the first year she could barely go half a day being dry, pooing was easy for her.
By the time she was in full time school she was wetting herself about 3-4 times a week. We finally got a referral and they found she had the weak bladder and sphincter muscles. She was 8 when she was finally dry during the day and 13 before she stopped wetting the bed.
I don't know if we 'trained' her too early, she was physically able and mentally able just her muscles were too weak.

DS is 11 and has ASD so is still in nappies but will stay dry most of the day.

DD2 is 26 months and asks to wee on her potty but never does. I will probably give it a go with her when the weather is warmer

Re Gina Ford's should be able to do stairs left foot right foot?
It isn't true for us. My DD has been completely potty/toilet trained since she was 22 months and she definitely didn't do left foot right foot on the stairs. What relevence could their possibly be between those 2 things?

My DD wouldn't have been able to do that when she was trained at two, either. She was just too small. Nothing to do with physical maturity.

If you're child is "not ready" that is one thing. If the child IS ready, then sorry it is laziness and very unfair on the child.

My SiL has put off training her DS who is now 3.8. She was pregnant and didn't feel up to it and then she had a small baby and didn't feel up to it, and now she still doesn't feel up to it. She was waiting for her DS to "ask" to go into pants which as yet has not happened.

However, her DS will announce he is about to do a wee, wee in his nappy, then ask to be changed. The couple of times she has tried to potty train him, he's done well initially then had an accident so she's decided it is all too much and put him back in nappies. Expecting potty training with NO accidents IS unrealistic IMO.

The OP has had 2 aborted attempts at potty training which to me suggests her dd has not been ready up until now. And I really think those of you whose children trained easily have no idea of how difficult it is for some children to get the hang of.

I thought ds1 was ready at 2.2. He could count, knew his letters, could read a bit, could hold a conversation. It took us a whole year to train him ( I thought once you started, you weren't supposed to stop ) loads of accidents in inconvenient places and he was nearly 4 when he eventually got the hang of pooing in the toilet.

With all of the others I have waited till they were over 3 and it was so much easier.

YABU

put her in terry nappies and see how long both of you last

I always thought it was interesting that night time dryness is supposed to have a genetic link - ie if parents were late to be dry at night child will be also.

I wonder if its the same with toilet training in general that there is a certain age which is individual for all children when they are ready and we should all stop comparing !

and i mean proper toilet training not pot luck holding little kids over toilet 17 times a day and hoping for the best

my ds started telling me he needed to go while he was still in pullups at 2.6 so practically no accidents

YANBU

Wait, wait, wait.

When she says I want 'big girl' knickers give it a try.

If she's not reliably dry within three days, forget it. She just isn't ready.

I have had 1.5 years of hell potty training DD2 started at 2.3 yrs and things have only just clicked in the last two months as she turned four. And after DD1 basically training herself at 2.3yrs. Never thought two children could be so different!

Meant to add the only way potty training will ever work is if self-motivated, the child has to want to be dry.

crap fanjolina

a child left in nappies is not in a neutal condition, they are learning that nappies are the right place to wee (as babieS they have no choice, as toddlers they do)....unless you are making an effort at countering that belief (eg by letting them watch you wee) they are not going to arrive at the belief that the potty/ toilet is right and want to wee there by magic.....

it is all learned behaviour.

DS1 showed classic signs of wnating to be potty trained-went through stage of weeing when getting out of bath, for instance, but then learned to hold it, was ready on all the checklist (just before 3).

But he couldn't see the point-he didn't mind wet or soiled nappies at all, didn't want to be grown up (who would), couldn't give (or should that be not give) a crap about sweets or songs or other rewards. Basically, he'd say if he had an accident, but didn't mind. Over time he's become good at saying straight away and srtanding still, but it's still a bit hit-and-miss, although he's as trained as most children now.

I guess that's the problem with waiting-if your DS just ain't bothered, the process of being wet is part of making them bothered. Physical prematurity is not the same as not being arsed, somehow you might need to inject arsedness!

"premature potty-training" = when DCs have accidents all the time and/or need the potty at the drop of a hat.

Hmm, I half agree with you, Fanjolina. I agree it's best to wait until they're ready (preferably when they ask to train, but if not then when you judge they're ready - and only you really know your own child). However, I don't agree that if it doesn't happen within 3 days, then they're not ready. With DS, we didn't have any successes at all for the first five days (ie no wees on the potty or loo). However, I still think the time was right, because (1) it all started to click on about day 7, (2) we haven't had any accidents since about day 10, and that was three months ago, and (3) I'm convinced that if we'd given up after a couple of days, DS would never have volunteered to try again, because he would have remembered the first failed attempt. Some children are simply more adaptable than others; for those of a pigheaded wilful disposition, it might take a bit longer than a couple of days.

I would love a full list of GF's criteria of what they should be able to do before they're "ready". I have a feeling that none of my older 3 DC would qualify for 75% of it, although they toilet trained relatively easily.

Unlike DC4 who is proving a swine at it, he is nearly 3yo which is ANCIENT compared to his siblings mastering their bodily needs and still very reluctant (sigh). He can hold his wee for 5 hours, btw, so the control is there, just not the will (even with chocolate stars as rewards, sigh).

I'm actually quite reassured by the range of experiences here. I'm currently potty training DS (2.8y) and although I'm sure of his understanding, he's not yet asking to use the toilet (a few days in, so early days). Not sure if this indicates he's not really ready yet or if he just needs more time.

No OP, I don't think you're lazy as I've had exactly the same thoughts as you.

Here you go ragged:

Parents should look out for all the signs of readiness before attempting toilet training, including:

Ability to understand and follow simple instructions

Interest in dressing and undressing himself and the ability to pull pants up and down independently

Ability to point to different parts of their body when asked

Ability to sit still and concentrate on a toy, book or video for 5-10 minutes

We had trouble with Poos, and outr HV recommended a star chart. Rewarding every motion, even if it's an accident (that's hard to do, really bloody hard, especially with Poo) but it does work.

Your DC4 sounds like he is using this as a control mechanism, this is nothing to do with readiness, this is attention, insecurity or something that he can use to some gain. Your comment about the holding it for 5hrs is telling.

DS has lapses with the poos when he is stressed, when we moved from a home with a hideous landlady, to one that was new and the landlady was lovely, he stopped the messing overnight. Only to restart it at the time he started school. I think we are nearly there now, he seems to be taking it upon himself to go to the loo without me watching him like a hawk.

So try rewarding him for everything, to encourage him to do them, then reward him for those in the loo, and then teach him to save the rewards and gently wean them off.

I think it very much depends on the age of the child - barring no SN issues etc then I would say.

At 2.5 years YANBU.
At 3 years - not sure.
At 3.5 years - YABU.
At 4 years - YABVU
Starting reception - YABVVU

DS1 trained at 2 years 2 months (his choice), but still has "wee" accidents at 4.5 years and not trained at night (only wees not poos).

Did we train him in the day too early? - no because he didn't want to wear nappies and was very good at using potty. Just he gets sidetracked (still) and forgets.

DD was also trained at 2 years 2 months and started at a nursery at 2 years 10 months that required children to be trained.

Don't make the assumption that the ones late training are in disposables... my son is in cloth nappies!!

I've had another go today, lots of nappy off time and he has been standing over the potty as well, but no wee. He has had nappy pants on but weed in them so have taken them off. I have now put a nappy on him but will try again for longer and longer periods.

arghghgHHHHHHHHH. YANBU.

I'm sure DD (3 in 2 weeks) would pass all Gina Fords blinkin list - but Dearolegina doesn't have a section for 'a child who is perfectly able to potty train but really can't be bothered'.

DD has been trained, it was very novel 9 months ago and all happened in 3 weeks. 3 weeks further on she was bored and just walked around weeing herself and not bothering to mention it. Now she is experimenting with doing only VERY SMALL poohs in her nappy, one at a time over the course of the day. And can't go to preschool til she's trained. GIVE ME STRENGTH.

I tried several times over the course of 9 months to get DD potty trained. Didn't have much luck until 4 months or so before her 3rd birthday and she had it mastered by the end of the week. Think it pays to wait most of the time.

YANBU OP I think your DD will let you know soon enough that's ready, and when she does it wont take long to crack it. My MIL had been on at me to potty train since DD's first birthday apparently what I should have done was take DD's nappy off and follow her naked bottom self round the room with a potty. At all times. For however long it would have taken. This is what MIL did with SIL and DP. Sounds both barmy and pointless to me. Hardly training them is it?