Not a regular but I would really appreciate some good advice. I have been in a bad state for a few days, suffered insomnia all night last night so I am absolutely exhausted and really need to get things straight in my mind.
This is dh's computer and he works from home though is not around atm so I might not be able to post replies as regulary as I would like so please bear with me.
History is that dh and I have been together for around 13 years since I was in my early 20s. MIL always disapproved of me and felt suspicious of why I hooked up with her son because I am not from their (European) country even though I spoke the language reasonably well (having learnt it at school) and had visted there a few times prior to meeting dh. I was younger than dh/ educated to postgrad level/ had already bought my first flat at the time/ not really interested in her obsession with the Christian faith etc. whereas dh was a bit of a dreamer/ living at home with mum/ never earned more than min wage/ not academic etc. So basically very different backgrounds which meant that I was ok with making allowances for their odd attitude towards me.
Dh came to live with me at my home in the UK after we married and things were rocky for a few years (mainly due to his family interfering in every aspect of our lives from a distance and dh being too spineless to stand up to them also due to the fact that I was quite young and this was the first proper relationship either of us had been in) - his aunt even went so far as to ask him what contraception I was using. He left a few times and moved back with his mum found work back home etc but before dc1 was born moved back, found interesting work to do in the UK, showed commitment for the first time ever and we sorted out our differences and went on to have dc2 etc. and felt generally happy and positive.
My mil did occasionally stir things up from a distance via phonecalls to dh but the distance meant that she could not visit v often to do this face to face. She has been trying to persuade dh to bring only the dcs to see her abroad ever since dc1 was 2 weeks old and fully bf but dh basically fudged the issue.
She was invited to visit a few weeks ago and suddenly announced that she was bringing her other son with her who was always v critical of me and whom I would not have invited. He has never even sent the dcs birthday cards or ecards despite being v well-off with few commitments and a bimbo girlfriend whom he showers with useless expensive gifts of the knickers-perfume-chocolates variety all the time. However, in the interests of maintaining harmony and not wishing to deny the dcs the chance to know their uncle I agreed that they could both stay over.
DH and I felt that overall, things went well. I played the polite and interested DIL making teas, engaging in mind-numbing chit chat in their language (despite not wanting to as we practice one-parent-one-language). I talked to dcs in English as that is usual for us, they do not know DHs mother tongue. She understands next to no English.
On the first day they arrived, dh woke up late and needed to rush to meet their flight so we agreed to meet at a certain restaurant in London and I agreed to bring the dcs there at an agreed time, at my own expense. We got soaked in a downpour as our umbrella got jammed (not their fault I know but I did not have the option of returning home obv) and when we got there, we waited ages in our wet clothes but they did not show up so after an hour, we ate I took the dcs home in the dark. DHs mobile had been switched off and I would not have known their numbers as I dont really have much to do with them. I later found out that their flight had been delayed and mil cooly implied that we should have waited even longer. By the time they turned up at our house it was almost bedtime the dcs were pretty hyper after a full-on day and dcs started chucking his mecanno towards mil whist laughing and making his usual aeroplane noises. dh went onto the computer (in the other room as he had to print things for their posh restaurant reservation later that evening) and did not come out for an hour as he was playing soduku (sp?) and is generally unsociable. The discipling was left to me even though DH knows that I do not feel comfortable around them. I explaned to ds2 in English not to do that and showed him the right way to play using the usual positive parenting techniques. I went off to cook dcs supper as it was already too late. I was not in the room with them at the time to give them space to get to know the Dcs (they barely know them) . Obviously, once the time came to serve their dinner, I did try to divert their attention to get them to eat (they are fussy eaters who usually eat at around 4.30 rather than 6 and are def not used to evening visitors).
We traipsed around town with them for four days catering to their every whim and they never implied they were unhappy about anything.
Last week, MIL used DHs work email address (never usually does as we have a family address) to send this to him. He tried to keep it from me but I fell upon it on dc2s birthday. In translation:
Hi
I got back OK but I feel heavy hearted wrt your family situation. I actually needed several days to get my thoughts together to write this.
I know that you personally did everything that you possibly could to make sure that we had a good time.
DS presented himself well and seemed ready to learn a load of things but his mother seemed jealous of our presence and tried to butt in every time he wanted to interact with us - that is definitely the reason why he gets told off a lot at school. He needs to spend more time with other children of his age and you need to set that up as soon as possible. You both need to go out and start meeting other parents more and if Figcake can manage it, she should let him express himself and not anticipate every situation. I think that a short break (DH and DS) to visit FIL at Christmas will do him good
You all need to get out of the house more and meet people. I hope Figcake sees through her idea of taking up an activity - even though it wont be easy for her- in order to see how her current life has cut her off from reality.
She should try not to put on any more weight as it is not good for the heart and increases the risk of other cardiac conditions.
You need to finish all the works on your house as soon as possible and liquidate evrything that is no longer useful to DCs.
As always, we think you personally (i.e DH) are a great parent.
With love to you (i.e only dh). Mum