Toxic MIL or am I overreacting? If the former, how to get rid or limit access?

[figcake]

Not a regular but I would really appreciate some good advice. I have been in a bad state for a few days, suffered insomnia all night last night so I am absolutely exhausted and really need to get things straight in my mind.

This is dh's computer and he works from home though is not around atm so I might not be able to post replies as regulary as I would like so please bear with me.

History is that dh and I have been together for around 13 years since I was in my early 20s. MIL always disapproved of me and felt suspicious of why I hooked up with her son because I am not from their (European) country even though I spoke the language reasonably well (having learnt it at school) and had visted there a few times prior to meeting dh. I was younger than dh/ educated to postgrad level/ had already bought my first flat at the time/ not really interested in her obsession with the Christian faith etc. whereas dh was a bit of a dreamer/ living at home with mum/ never earned more than min wage/ not academic etc. So basically very different backgrounds which meant that I was ok with making allowances for their odd attitude towards me.

Dh came to live with me at my home in the UK after we married and things were rocky for a few years (mainly due to his family interfering in every aspect of our lives from a distance and dh being too spineless to stand up to them also due to the fact that I was quite young and this was the first proper relationship either of us had been in) - his aunt even went so far as to ask him what contraception I was using. He left a few times and moved back with his mum found work back home etc but before dc1 was born moved back, found interesting work to do in the UK, showed commitment for the first time ever and we sorted out our differences and went on to have dc2 etc. and felt generally happy and positive.

My mil did occasionally stir things up from a distance via phonecalls to dh but the distance meant that she could not visit v often to do this face to face. She has been trying to persuade dh to bring only the dcs to see her abroad ever since dc1 was 2 weeks old and fully bf but dh basically fudged the issue.

She was invited to visit a few weeks ago and suddenly announced that she was bringing her other son with her who was always v critical of me and whom I would not have invited. He has never even sent the dcs birthday cards or ecards despite being v well-off with few commitments and a bimbo girlfriend whom he showers with useless expensive gifts of the knickers-perfume-chocolates variety all the time. However, in the interests of maintaining harmony and not wishing to deny the dcs the chance to know their uncle I agreed that they could both stay over.

DH and I felt that overall, things went well. I played the polite and interested DIL making teas, engaging in mind-numbing chit chat in their language (despite not wanting to as we practice one-parent-one-language). I talked to dcs in English as that is usual for us, they do not know DHs mother tongue. She understands next to no English.

On the first day they arrived, dh woke up late and needed to rush to meet their flight so we agreed to meet at a certain restaurant in London and I agreed to bring the dcs there at an agreed time, at my own expense. We got soaked in a downpour as our umbrella got jammed (not their fault I know but I did not have the option of returning home obv) and when we got there, we waited ages in our wet clothes but they did not show up so after an hour, we ate I took the dcs home in the dark. DHs mobile had been switched off and I would not have known their numbers as I dont really have much to do with them. I later found out that their flight had been delayed and mil cooly implied that we should have waited even longer. By the time they turned up at our house it was almost bedtime the dcs were pretty hyper after a full-on day and dcs started chucking his mecanno towards mil whist laughing and making his usual aeroplane noises. dh went onto the computer (in the other room as he had to print things for their posh restaurant reservation later that evening) and did not come out for an hour as he was playing soduku (sp?) and is generally unsociable. The discipling was left to me even though DH knows that I do not feel comfortable around them. I explaned to ds2 in English not to do that and showed him the right way to play using the usual positive parenting techniques. I went off to cook dcs supper as it was already too late. I was not in the room with them at the time to give them space to get to know the Dcs (they barely know them) . Obviously, once the time came to serve their dinner, I did try to divert their attention to get them to eat (they are fussy eaters who usually eat at around 4.30 rather than 6 and are def not used to evening visitors).

We traipsed around town with them for four days catering to their every whim and they never implied they were unhappy about anything.

Last week, MIL used DHs work email address (never usually does as we have a family address) to send this to him. He tried to keep it from me but I fell upon it on dc2s birthday. In translation:

Hi

I got back OK but I feel heavy hearted wrt your family situation. I actually needed several days to get my thoughts together to write this.

I know that you personally did everything that you possibly could to make sure that we had a good time.

DS presented himself well and seemed ready to learn a load of things but his mother seemed jealous of our presence and tried to butt in every time he wanted to interact with us - that is definitely the reason why he gets told off a lot at school. He needs to spend more time with other children of his age and you need to set that up as soon as possible. You both need to go out and start meeting other parents more and if Figcake can manage it, she should let him express himself and not anticipate every situation. I think that a short break (DH and DS) to visit FIL at Christmas will do him good

You all need to get out of the house more and meet people. I hope Figcake sees through her idea of taking up an activity - even though it wont be easy for her- in order to see how her current life has cut her off from reality.

She should try not to put on any more weight as it is not good for the heart and increases the risk of other cardiac conditions.

You need to finish all the works on your house as soon as possible and liquidate evrything that is no longer useful to DCs.

As always, we think you personally (i.e DH) are a great parent.

With love to you (i.e only dh). Mum

Figcake, life is not a rehearsal. Don't tolerate these ghastly people in your life for one minute more. And I include the man you're currently married to in that.

What chicken said. I realise the heading in your original post said 'how to get rid or limit access'. The answer seems clear: divorce their spineless, lazy, selfish son.

I've now read through this thread and must say I'm very upset on your behalf. Listen, Figcake... you've admitted your DH doesn't love you and wouldn't stay but for the kids. His mother then says "liquidate" funds. Where do you think this is going exactly? This must mean that he has discussed his financial situation and desire not to be with you with his mother, she is advising him to syphon off as much as he can. He's certainly not thinking of sharing equally... The fact that she also cc's all siblings means their all informed and presumable happy to support him should he leave you. Does he have private accounts or are all your accounts shared? I am sure he's got a nice stash somewhere all for himself as you've been paying everything for so long.

I don't think he has automatic right to half of your assets as he hasn't contributed to anythhing. SAHM tend to be given half but that is because they have been doing an important job for the family - looking after the children and home. If he hasn't contributed to the mortgage and isn't names as an owner of the house your also much stronger. Whatever you do please get in touch with a family soilicitor to at least get your head around your position. It may not be so bad financially for you as you might think.

You should also keep all receipts of everything you pay for (bills, food, clothes etc) so that you are able to show a family court that you have been shouldering all financial responsibility for the children. Keep a diary also of your daily life with the children to show that you do all of the childcare too. That will mean he hasn't got any right to the children either should he start threatening to take them.Divorce cases quickly turn nasty so its best to have lots of supporting evidence of your life together now. So also keep a record of his behaviour. He's unlikely to volunteer that he is lazy himself (i.e. doesn't work and only gets up at 2pm etc).

I would also make sure that the childrens passports were not somewhere he would know about. Consider storing these in a bankbox or with a trusted friend. He may be able to get passports from his homecountry but you could get a court injunction saying they (the dc) are not to be taken out of the country - just in case he tries. As far as I understand English courts have to agree that English children are taken permanently out of the country but rarely do people actually ask, they tend to say their going for a holiday and then don't come back (I know this as I am forign myself and wanted to know what I would have in store should dp and I split unamicably). Under no circumstance let him take any of your children out of the country without you! Sorry to probably scare you pretty badly but reading your posts, like someone else has said, you don't seem to realise how wrong this relationship is and you need to wake up and start making some preparations to keep yourself and your dc safe.

Others have also said that no children living in these family relationships will grow up thanking their parents for staying together for them. In fact quite the opposite. And if you speak frankly to your parents I am sure they will understand that you need to leave this man and they will support you (emotionally if not financially or practically). Your children will be fine if you leave, your parents will be fine if you leave. YOU will be fine if you make him leave - your doing everything yourself already. In fact you baffle me by writing that you are worried about what you would do about childcare if you were alone. Why? You don't seem to ever leave your dc with him anyway and he isn't looking after them at any rate is he?! Sorry, you don't seem to realise that you ARE a single mom. And you are a SINGLE woman. You certainly haven't got a partner as far as I can see. So what do you keep him for? Not his contributions to the household neither financially nor emotionally and not for his love of you. He is a deadweight in your families life and even if getting rid of him means a financial loss to you I am sure you will be a lot happier without him, as will you dc.

Crikey! Sorry that was VERY long everyone. Frencied writing without considering lenght...sorry!

"But he won't go and realistically, I am going to have to 'live it out' until they leave home. If pressed, he says that he is here for his DCs not for me. There is no way of getting rid of him, no guarantee that things would improve."

Oh no you don't Fig, this jail is not going to be your life.

'Sell' the house to your parents, for £50 or something, get them to rent the house to you and then when your H goes to see FIL Change the locks and tell him while he's there that it's over.

How DARE he treat you like this, how dare he let his mother bully you.

Hello again

I spoke to my mother about the fact that I may see a solicitor next week but she said it is too early and that I should see how much effect my email to MIL will have (it does not seem possible to send it atm - I am prob being paranoid thinking that DH has anything to do with that!). DH still thinks that I am overreacting, that it is not his place to tell his mother what to think of me or say about me. His siblings definitely are on MILs side against me; always have been.

My father has come round because yesterday, DH challenged him to come help tidy up the room which he uses as his study. When MIL was here, I told her that it was a tip because DH would not let anyone inside to tidy up. I think MIL must have told him to tell my father who has recently had a hip replacement to come and do it. It is all his junk and there is no reason why he could not deal with it himself.

I will hide the passports for the DCs but he is in complete denial about the fact that I dont want to go, DS has been talking about taking the aeroplane at

Hi figcake it has only just sunk in from your post that he has been cautioned for his violence towards to you. Are you sure you're safe there?

Ok, so we know what your mother thinks, and what your H thinks. But what do YOU think? Do you think this is an acceptable way to live? Do you think your email will have any impact at all? Do you think your H will ever become any kind of a man?

He did what?? So he gets your dad to do his work too?

This is the part of your messages that makes me want to cry - "I cannot reconcile that girl who once won those tough scholarships and read all those wonderful books ... with the picture they paint of the more mature 'me' in those exchanges. "

My father was abusive and controlling, and mum stayed because in those days she had no where to turn. She died when I was young, and recently my siblings were all given books she had won as a prizes at school. I had to hide the one I was given in a drawer because every time I think about that bright, happy girl who won that prize I can't bear to think how her life turned out.

You do deserve so much better, please do what is best for you and the children.

Is everyone afraid of your husband/MIL?

I can imagine my fathers curt response if my husband challenged him to tidy a room.

And I do think that things have gone too far for the email to have any effect because what your MIL said seems to be coming from things that your husband has told her iyswim.

It doesn´t seem to be an out & out attack on you just for the sake of it.

She actually seems to be responding to points that your husband has brought up with her.

figcake - I have now read this thread and paid particular attention to your posts.

Let me be very blunt.

This issue has nothing whatsoever to do with your MIL. Yes, she's a bitch, but you are lucky in that she lives far away.
In another life you could ignore her, or you and DH could laugh behind her back.

The issue here, is your marriage.

You know that it is not working.

Yet you seem very reluctant to do anything about it.

If you will not take action for yourself, please do so for your girls. They deserve so very much better.

Your husband sounds completely insane - why does he think your father should tidy his room?

It does sound as if this is the very ugly and prolonged death rattle of a dying relationship. The "liquidating" issue would ring a number of alarm bells for me and, if you don't love your husband and he doesn't love you, I think the best thing you can do is see a solicitor asap and protect your home and other assets. Spend all weekend tracking down every bill receipt and direct debit and think about a future without him and how to ensure that you are financially stable in that future.

As everyone else has said, the problem isn't your mother-in-law.

Figcake, you need to kick these people out of your life. You sound lovely and they sound awful.

Fig you really need to forget your MIL (and your parents thoughts about the situation) and book an appointment with a Family Law Solicitor.

Find out where you stand, what evidence you should be collecting etc. Open your own bank account and get a safety deposit box (for DCs passports).

Start saving some money, getting things in order to finally get your life back. You won't change your DH because (frankly) he doesn't want to. You can only change how you react - you're accountable to yourself and ultimately accountable to your children. 10 years down the line, what will you be saying to your kids??

Figcake, you've got to stop making excuses and blaming other people for not ending it. If you don't want to then fine, but you can't keep on living like this just because you think other people think you should or because your "husband" won't go.
He will go because I suspect you actually taking control of things will shock him to the core.

I suspect if the OP threatened to kick her DH out, he'd be back to his Mum wiht his tail between his legs like a shot.

Mum would gladly take him back and everyone could nod their head at how they had known all along that she was a wrong 'un.

Job done.

Does your mother know all of what you've written here? If you've been saying things are fine for so long, is she convinced and this now all seems very sudden?

From what you've written here this isn't a new problem at all, but maybe one you're only just waking up to dealing with. I agree with other posters who've advised reclaiming your life, and that of your DCs (who you've said "hate" their father!) before it gets any worse.

You've already said your mum is anti-divorce so I don't think it's a surprise that she thinks its 'too early' to see a solicitor.

Please keep that appointment. This man is making your life a misery, and you might not realise it but your children WILL be picking up on how unhappy you are. If DS is excited about going on an aeroplane then you can arrange for him to go on one any time you like - with you, and DD, somewhere lovely, when you've finally got shot of that useless H.

Sorry, that was a bit harsh but you need to get out of this relationship before it does significant damage to your DCs

Dear god, this gets worse by the minute.

Right, am not going to mince any more words. You are now going to be as guilty as him if you do not remove your kids from this situation. I know you think you have lost the beautiful, cleaver, hip girl who read all those books. You havn't. She is still in there. Get her out Get back you, and kick that lazy, ognorant dinosaur out of your life.

Fuck culture, this is abuse. He is a leach, a creep and a bully. See a lawyer, you will never look back, I promise you.

As for your dad, whats his problem? Why oh why would he come and clean this lazy bastards office after he called his girl lazy?

Stand up woman. Protect yourself and your kids.

ignorant even.

Hello again, I pretty much ignored him all day and he never seemed to think anything was wrong at all. I asked DCs if they would like to try out a new library tomorrow and have lunch at a cafe a bit further away than we are accustomed to atm. They agreed but DH interrupted that he was taking us out for a surprise meal in town tomorrow and that he had effectively paid up or would be charged a lot if we did not go. I said that we had made other plans but he was completely indifferent and not really aware that anything was still wrong. I would love to be free of them all - you are all so right but I don't feel like a victim and I am rarely actively sad if I don't overthink things - it was a few dark days after her email, I'll offer FIL 100euros to cover some of what he paid for our Christmas travel but I do realise the importance of not going on many levels.

Yet DH wont see that - he insists they are divorced and independant of one another, FIL has been ill and I am denying him a right to see the DCs as he is too ill to travel abroad without taking big risks (apparently?). Not sure what to do about FIL - it seems she has spread her negativity in that direction even though there is no love lost between him and MIL

Well, you know, sad about FIL, but not really your problem.

If your husband wasn´t such a dick & you could trust him with your children, he would be able to see them.

You owe him nothing, especially if it was all booked without your knowledge/permission.

Stop thinking about everyone else!