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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to perpetuate the Santa myth?

219 replies

WriterofDreams · 14/11/2010 11:21

I know this might seem totally weird, and I am completely open to being told IABU, so do your worst!

My first baby is on the way and DH and I have been talking about the whole Santa thing. We're both a little ambivalent about it. I hate hate hate lying to children as I was lied to a lot as a child, not necessarily in a nasty way, more in a dismissive, "none of your business" sort of way. It made a big impression on me. I was a very intelligent and horrendously serious child (I see that now) but the Santa thing was something that hacked me off big time. From about the age of 4 Santa stopped making sense to me and I bombarded my mum with questions which were responded to with lie after lie after lie.

I know she was trying to keep the "magic" alive for me but it was truly baffling to me as a child and really annoyed me. For example, I thought, if Santa can get around the world in one night, why does it take 24 hours to get to Australia? Why doesn't he sell his technology to people who are in disaster areas and help them rather than giving out plastic crap to children? All this got me was "because he's magic." That just didn't wash at all with me, and Santa actually became this scary figure who had huge power but wouldn't share it with anyone else. The whole elves and toy workshop thing just confused me more, as I was aware toys were made by toy companies who sold them for profit. Yes, I know, I was a ridiculous child.

I had hugely mixed feelings when I discovered Santa wasn't real. This happened when I was about 6 but I didn't let on as I thought I wouldn't get presents if I didn't pretend to believe (another negative thing). On the one hand I felt relieved he wasn't real because it answered all my questions. On the other hand I felt annoyed at my mum for not just telling me he wasn't real when it was clear I was so hung up about the whole thing (I realise now she was trying to protect my older sister, who still believed).

I just know I'm going to have a hard time pretending to my LO that Santa exists. I hate that perplexed look on children's faces when you can see they know you're lying but they're trying to believe because they trust you and don't think you could lie to them :(
At the same time I know that not having the Santa thing would mark him out as totally different from other kids and could make life really hard for him, particularly if he feels left out.

Any opinions?

OP posts:
ginhag · 14/11/2010 13:06

Not aimed at you aitch btw, I am stunned at the 'mocking religion' thing.

Does rather prove that the OP takes life/self a little too seriously though...

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2010 13:08

it does, rather.

btw EXCELLENT name ginhag.

ginhag · 14/11/2010 13:12

:) why thank you!

electra · 14/11/2010 13:13

But why should anyone here feel they have the right to tell the OP she isn't entitled to her feelings about something?

We're all different. You all know your own children and how they react and make choices accordingly. Why the need to be so defensive?

ginhag · 14/11/2010 13:14

Is AIBU no longer a question then?

SoupDragon · 14/11/2010 13:14

Probably because she asked for opinions.

porcupine11 · 14/11/2010 13:15

To be fair to other posters, she did post in 'AIBU' which attracts yes or no answers, ie yes your feelings are reasonable or no they aren't. It probably would have had a different response in a different topic.

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2010 13:16

who has said that she isn't entitled to her feelings about something? o course she is, and then she posts on here in aibu to ask whether she is being unreasonable in not wanting to perpetuate the santa myth, and so she gets some opinions back. why did she post?

her feelings are her feelings. whether or not she should automatically project her childhood issues onto her unborn baby is another matter, and one that she might want to think about. if she can do that while googling 'european christmas traditions' and 'the three kings', so much the better.

mamatomany · 14/11/2010 13:17

Our kids never believed from age 2 onwards and once we'd admitted it to the 4 year old it was all over for the younger two.
It doesn't do them any harm to know mum and dad bought all those toys so look after them.

Himalaya · 14/11/2010 13:19

I don't remember ever believing in FC or the TF but always enjoyed the game of it. So we have carried the tradition on in our family as part of a very secular Xmas.

FC fills my dcs Xmas sockings with a mixture of useful stuff - socks and pants, stationery, bathroom stuff - little books, silly presents and the obligatory walnuts, satsuma and chocolate money. All presents are seperately wrapped up to prolongue the unwrapping. (the kids get to open stockings first thing in the morning, but have to get dressed and have breakfast before we move onto the tree presents that are from real people).

I do try to keep up the charade - e.g. Sooty footprints on the hearth, letter from Santa, different wrapping paper and handwriting etc..but at the same time don't try to pretend it is real - it's like a play. Both my dss 7 and 11 know it's a game, but neither of them want to give it up yet.

You makes your own choices. But it does make sense to think about it in the early years, as once you've started a family tradition it's hard to give up.

I did try to float the idea of giving Xmas a miss this year, but no one else would agree to it.

Niecie · 14/11/2010 13:20

I was going to add my twopenneth worth but having read the thread I now don't feel I understand it at all. Where was religion mocked? Confused

OP You don't have to lie. Just tell the story, do the stocking. If your child loves it, keep doing it. If they don't then let it drop. It seems that was your objection in the first place - not the story but being told it was true when you knew it wasn't. If you answer a direct question truthfully then you aren't lying (obviously) but you will be amazed that a lot of children don't over think this and don't ask questions for quite a few years.

And anyway, wasn't St Nicholas a catholic saint so there are links between FC and Christianity, admittedly reinterpreted by different cultures and muddied by the evils of consumerism, are not totally out of step with the religious meaning of Christmas.

ginhag · 14/11/2010 13:23

This has made me curious. In other households (ie not mine) does santa/fc get the credit for ALL presses then? When I was a child our stocking presents were little, fun things to be pulled out of a sock at crack of dawn... The 'proper' presents were from family. We do same for DS.

I know one poster said they made 1 main pres from FC and not the rest, but what does everyone else do?

Not that I am thinking of changing family tradition, am happy with it WIABUON :)

ginhag · 14/11/2010 13:24

Aha... X-post himalaya. Snap :)

edam · 14/11/2010 13:26

Can't see any mocking of religion here.

Dh once 'did' FC for my mother. Completely off his own back. She must have been in her late 40s at the time but she loved it. She had had a miserable year - redundancy, long-term ill health after surgery went wrong, sudden plunge into poverty. It been a hard slog. She was staying with us for Christmas for the first time - and we only had a little flat so she was on the sofa bed in the sitting room which made what dh did v. tricky. I'd planned to do her a stocking so dh let his imagination take off.

He waited until she was asleep, put sooty footprints in the fireplace, left out a plate with mince pie crumbs and a glass that had contained sherry, and half a dozen other kind things I've forgotten.

My mother was really touched. Her own parents had died when she was in her early 20s, so no-one had 'done' Christmas for her for decades - it had always been her making magic for us. I loved dh so much for that.

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2010 13:29

aaaaaw.

Niecie · 14/11/2010 13:29

I was brought up to believe that all presents from my parents came from FC and obviously anything that was delivered by post or hand with tags on it came from the person who gave it. I never thought to wonder why my parents didn't give us anything.

I really don't understand how every single present comes to be from FC - that really must require a suspension of belief! Besides other present givers require thanks, even if your parents don't.

We did the same for our DC until they wanted something so expensive we had to buy second hand, so obviously not freshly produced by the elves Wink and then that came from us. Now it is kind of split 50:50 in budget terms. Half from us, stocking and other half of presents from FC.

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2010 13:29

oh your mother, edam? i read it as his mother at first. that's even more kind.

Niecie · 14/11/2010 13:33

Edam - not many men would think to do that - that goes above and beyond son-in-law duty, that does.

edam · 14/11/2010 13:34

Yup, my mother. So kind of him.

Since then, dh has been through periods of depression that have really changed his personality for long periods. When I've remembered how he used to be back then it's made me really sad. But I knew he was getting better when he started to do things for other people again - he has a kindness for complete strangers that is adorable.

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2010 13:35

oh GO AND GIVE HIM A KISS RIGHT NOW. Grin

earwicga · 14/11/2010 13:36

OP - just in case you come back, you sound a lot like one of my children who decided at age 6 that it just wasn't possible for Santa to get round the whole world in one night. I asked him who he thought bought the presents and he said 'people who love me' which was fair enough. I just smiled.

This year both of mine know really but are saying that if they don't get everything on their xmas list (which is still unwritten) they will know that Santa isn't real. I laugh :o

I think if you have a healthy relationship with your kids which doesn't involve lying then this is just one of those magic things, like fairy tales, which children kinda do and kinda don't believe in.

More generally, is there anyone who hasn't used the 'telling Santa' line? It gets me through October-December.

edam · 14/11/2010 13:38

Aitch - he's out with our neighbours doing the gardening on the verges and patches of land around our road that aren't anyone's 'job'. I think they'd be a little taken aback. Grin

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2010 13:41

so what?! don't be so english. Grin surprise snogs are the best ones.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 14/11/2010 13:42

Ok, I'm back (tail between legs). I got a bit pissed off because I don't like when these threads descend into name calling or judgemental descriptions of posters (she is does/is this or that) as it is pointless and childish. I'm aware it's AIBU but I still I wouldn't expect that. I have started other long more controversial threads that have successfully avoided these pitfalls so I was hoping that would happen now. In addition I am sensitive and hormonal.

I apologise Aitch, I took the meaning of your post wrong. I am Irish Catholic and we don't have any "three kings" tradition. I was taking it that you were implying that the nativity story is a myth on a par with the Santa Claus myth, which I would find insulting. I now realise you were just suggesting a different, more religious tradition. However, in my eyes, replacing one untrue idea with another (ie that the Three Kings bring children's presents) doesn't really solve the problem.

Edam that story about your DH made me cry a little. Unbelievably sweet.

OP posts:
edam · 14/11/2010 13:42

Well, I didn't want to confess to this, but ds and I are having a slobby Sunday and are still in our pyjamas (although teeth brushed and all that). Not sure the neighbours are quite ready for the sight of me in nightwear!