to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

YANBU and I don't think I could cope with that

This is ridiculous. Stuff for the house and kids counts as 'bills'. He is being a selfish git.

No. Your dh sounds so bloody pathetic.
This is not right!! Splitting 50/50 - him buying a game when you only have SANDALS (seriously it's freezing this week) to wear... honestly?
If he insists on this splitting thing then split it three ways - you, him and dd. Then you have money for dd's stuff and some for you.

why are you giving him the option of keeping it? just take it anyway.

Yanbu but you need tosplit money into 3 pots, one for him, one for you and one for DD stuff(clothes, activity, travel to activity etc) House stuff shouldn't be just from your pot either!!
Then all the money in your pot even if it's only 50 or 60 a month gets spent on you!

He's pathetic, not you. He's proritising his childish desire for games over your DD's needs (why should things for her come out of your 'share' only? Surely he had some role in DD's arrival in the world!) and yours. Try hiding all but 4 pairs of his boxers, 2 pairs of his trousers and 8 of his tops and see how he likes it! You can always say that as he clearly thinks you have enough clothes, you've 'de-cluttered' his wardrobe too!

Honestly, sandals are all I have, and I've just worn them to go to the shops and back despite it raining, and now they have gone all soft and floppy and my feet are freezing.

I can't just take it NordicPrincess it's in his account.

Surely if you need things for your daughter, then that should be accounted for before you split the remainder? We do the same thing (i.e. split our disposable income between the two of us), but any essentials, like travel (or in the future children's clothes) will be taken out as essential expendiditure before we figure out what's left over.

You should talk to him and try to sort out a better way of splitting the money. We got to the stage a couple of years ago where my DH was ending up with a lot more per month than I did (it was accidental, the bills I paid had gone up a lot more than the bills he paid). But we sat down with the figures and worked out a fairer way of doing it and now we're both happy!

You need to work out how much a month you spend on your daughter's clothes and activities and add that to the bills you pay out of your joint money. SHe is your joint daughter, you pay jointly. Any money left after THAT can be split.
Secondly, if the money pays the bills, why were there any rent arrears? I think you should get, say, £50 a month more out of the 'residue' until you get £200 back (that's being very generous and splitting the £400) also they cost of the gates should be taken out of 'his' share. If he's so keen on 50/50, make it 50/50!

I do think that truly "left over" money after all essentials are paid should be split 50/50

but but but I do NOT think that things that are for your DD or for the house should be coming out of your half.

Those are joint expenses, they should come out of joint money and the split should be done after those are paid for.

Why are you paying for house/DD stuff out of your half?

When do you decide what's left? Can't you use the money during the money to pay for things for DD and pay for her activities?

Your DH is being a selfish prick and I would just buy some clothes before you divide the money up.

I think you need to put the costs for DD the house and DD into your shared household budget, there is no reason why these should come out of your money. Do all his travel/lunch costs come out of his spends or is it just yours?

At the very least you need some new shoes as its bloody freezing out!

Or get a small part time job and have control over your own money? if you can find anything that works around his hours it wont cost anything for childcare.

Tell him there are 3 of you in the family, therefore the money gets split 3 ways. You take contrl of DDs share and buy whatever she needs from that.

Your DH is taking the piss. Your DDs stuff is as much his responsibility as yours and he should be paying his share. Don't ask him, just take what you need

You need a joint account if you aren't earning. Do you get the child benefit? You should.

what a tosser - cant believ someone would be so selfish

Where are you? what size are you? I am in process of having tidy up of stuff that no longer fits can i help?

Cross post with everyone! Good to have a consensus!

Im sorry but you should be great full for the £130 that you get tbh.

After all my bills and food is payed were lucky if we have anything.

You mentions days out and such above, i am afriad they dont exists in my house

He sounds like a bully tbh. Is he bullying and controlling in other areas? Making the mother of your child walk around in sandals in the cold while you buy computer games goes beyond mere selfishness IMO.

You must keep an Excel spreadsheet of all your household expenditure and work out reasonable categories so that you have paid off all necessary joint expenses before dividing up the excess into pocket money.

No, you don't sound bloody pathetic, he does.

Stuff from the house/dd needs to come out of joint money and only then does whatever is left over get to be split.

you need to sit down and work out how much you have spent and present the joint account him with a bill for it.
And then change the way things are organised so you have equal access to money. Otherwise all the conditions are in place for financial abuse to begin; indeed some would say it already has....

Agree with others, things for DD are household costs. You spilt the money that's left over after that.

Instead of just buying everything for your daughter out of your half of the 'leftover money' you say to your husband "DD needs a coat. It'll be £20. Give me £10."

If he would rather your daughter went without a coat, leave him.

Because he has a very warped view of what is 'essential' and will be very reluctant and then we won't end up getting them. He though stairgates were a waste of money because 'she'll work out how to open them soon enough' Another example, we needed a new mop and bucket - what's that? a tenner at most? Dh's response 'Can you not just do the floors with a scrubbing brush?' I kid you not. His view of what we 'need' is very different so I end up just buying the things anyway. He is very reluctant to spend money that's not on himself - even a bloody mop!!