to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

It really baffles me how anyone can say they genuinely love someone and then watch them struggle in this way. Surely it would make your DP happy to see you happy? The fact that he prioritises games over you doesn't say much of what he thinks of you.

To give you some perspective, when my DH got his first ever full time job at the ripe old age of 27 (was a student up until then) he insisted on giving me £1,000 (yes ONE THOUSAND POUNDS)out of his personal savings to be spent entirely on clothes and other personal luxuries to thank me for being so patient with him studying for a million years and because he just wanted me to enjoy myself.

God, if my DH was like this, I'd have left him long ago.

You have two choices Mandy: Either stop making excuses for him and stand up for yourself, or continue to allow him to trample all over you. Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean he isn't an abusive twat - there are many different kinds of abuse.

He KNOWS that you don't even have the bare necessities to function and he DOES NOT CARE. He is NOT a nice man. Unless you realise this, your problems will get a lot bigger before long...

If we send you loads of clothes parcels do you think he'll get the message?

He is financially controlling. That is abusive. End of.

Ok, while it was laudable of you to pay it all off his idea of paying it off gradually is equally valid.

You need to grow some self-esteem and realise that some of that 400 should have been spent on you.

You are too quick to put others first.

You wouldn't be depriving mumsnetters of anything - some of us have enough to give some away (I have a 100 pairs of shoes - it's a bad habit)

Mandy, I still don't know why you had rent arrears and I think you were mad to pay off the money in one go when you have so little that you desperately need, but it's done now. So what are his plans to pay you back his £200 half of that £400? That would cover the cost of some boots, two pairs of cheapish jeans, some leggings. If he honestly has no idea what things cost, then show him. Tell him it isn't enough and that stuff for your daughter and home are JOINT expenses. Make a spreadsheet if you can, or just write it all down.
He may not be violent, but right now he is being very mean to you. His response to your measured request to rethink this crazy 'budget' will tell you all you need to know about whether he regards you as his partner or his inferior.
What on earth does your mum think of you having no shoes etc?

and FFS BUY YOURSELF SOME KNICKERS!

I will never for the life of me understand why people put up with fuckwittage from partners like this when they themselves would never treat the other person like that.

Mandy, talk about it with him and come back and let us know how it goes. I'm hoping it's more a question of learning real financial responsibility than anything more serious. :)

So if he wanted to pay the rent arrears off gradually, will he give you the extra money each month that he would have spent paying them off? That's only fair.

YADNBU

Like someone else said you need 3 pots (you/ him/houseand DD).

be honest - are you scared he might get cross if you try and get him to talk about it?

I've got a pair of brand new size 6 knee high black leather boots with a heel which you would look fab in. Are you a size 6? If so, please message me your address and I will post them to you on the weekend. I mean it! I want you to have them, if you are a size 6. I am never going to wear them because I had a baby and found that I was in fact now a size 7. Doh!

Right, I've been fat and I've been thin, I'm currently somewhere in the middle but have several pairs of thin-time jeans that, from your profile (you're gorgeous, btw) would fit you.

I was going to give them to charity shop but am lazy so they will probably sit in our spare room for another 6 months, you may as well have them. Diesel, Golddigga, Ben Sherman, all in v. nice condition. PLEASE PM me your address and I'll send you them. And FFS buy some knicks! £5 for a pack of 5 in Sainsbos!!

Tell me, how does he view Christmas? Is that a joint spend, or does he expect you to buy your daughter her gifts from your money?

When I was 21 I was very like you Mandy. I had a boyfriend who didn't treat me very well, but I never really stood up to him because I was scared he would leave me. In the end I got fed up and left him but that's not the point.

The point is that at 21 you haven't really had a lot of life experience (I hope you don't think I'm patronising you because I don't mean to), and neither does your DH.

I reckon that he probably doesn't realise that he's being unfair, and the only way he will realise is if you take a big deep breath and confront him about all this.

You need to sit down and calmly explain that the current situation is not fair and that DD needs clothes, shoes, safety items etc taken off the monthly income.

Why not suggest to him that you set and control the finances? Even if only for a trial period?

It seems to me like his word is the final word - if you don't agree with him, challenge him. Don't be scared.

Just think "What's the worst that can happen if I fight back?"

I hope you get a chance to sit down and read all this later.

FWIW I think if most of our DH's on here found out that we were wearing sandals in October they would be mortified, apologetic and immediately selling their kidneys to get us a decent pair of shoes.

Very for you.

I've got two bags of clothes ready for ebay or charity when I can be organised enough to sort them out. They range from size 6 to size 14 (as I have ) so something must fit. There's smart work type stuff through to going out tops and it's TU through to Lipsy.

Can't go above size 4 in womens shoes but there's a few pairs of trainers (unworn) kicking around in a 7. They not womens though.

Any of that likely to be any good? PM me if it is

You must let people help you Mandy, lots of people help each other out on MN.

I can be a right cow on here at times but I do appreciate the fact that women supporting women is the only way any of us get through the day.

my DH was a similar fuckwit. he thought that cos the cash machine would give him £50 then he therefore could spend that £50 on games/comics. he never though about all his direct debits etc. i found him out when i checked his online banking and found out our mortgage hadn't been paid for two months and he had over £200 in bank fees due to missed debits. i was [hangry] actually the smiley does not convey just how annoyed i was. luckily my family were still well off and they paid the mortgage arrears and it took a long time without clothes luxuries etc to get us back to normal. I sold ALL of his games, donated the comics to the hospice, and took his bank card off him. He realised the error of his ways when he realised that it was either me or the stupid way he was spending money. im a complete hard arse with money but even I take him clothes shopping 3 times a year. 2 pairs of trousers, 4 t shirts, a hoodie, a cardigan, new boxers, new pants and a new pair of shoes. He gets £10 pw to do whatever he wants with.

OP tell your dh to wise the fuck up. he can't have the same lifestyle and disposable income he had when he was living with his mum (i bet hes a mummys boy, that type usually are his mummy probably did everything for him and he has no clue how do any more than wipe his own arse. hence the mop thing, does he know what end of the mop is which?) He can have his £130 pm pocket money when he gets a job that allows that AFTER everything is taken cared off. until then he can accept it or fuck off and have 15% of wages taken from him by the CSA.

Well said maighdlin.

oh my gordon - Mandy that is so crap you poor thing.

I think you need to sit down and make a more accurate list and put all joint expenses (including things for DD unless she was a virgin birth) on it. He needs to be realistic and probably thinks he's being "grown up" but actually he's acting like a giant kid by putting games above essentials.

Why does he think £60 is enough for food, when it clearly isn't btw?

Hi Mandy. I know that you didn't come on here to get new clothes! I have a brand new with tags Jack wills dress ( well they call it dress but my dd wears them over leggings). Blue with little flowers - I bought it for my dd but she didn't like flowers and I forgot to send it back in time. Send me a message if it's any good to you.

I am an old fogey, but find it utterly baffling that adult men want to play games on their computers as if they were children. STrikes me as the male equivalent of women with huge collections of teddies on their beds. I would find it so unsexy it isn't true.

A quick lol at ColdComfortFarm - I work with PC and gaming journalists, so most men I know play computer games :) At lunchtimes the office is filled with soundtracks and people yelling at their screens (including a huge flatscreen the size of two desks that's used for reviewing).

(DH does occasionally, but he's not very good so it's not something he really spends money on)

I'll just get my zip up slippers on then, and have a nice cup of Horlicks. It's all so alien to me. Surely, computer games are for spotty teens? Surely?

Mandy,

As ever, people go a bit over the top here. Not sure about "abuse" etc but what it is is terribly UNFAIR and, in old fashioned parlance, hardly chivalrous or gentlemanly. Although I (in a sense) control the money in our family, I would always make sure my wife and child had everything they needed/wanted before I spent anything on myself. I could not live with myself otherwise.

I would not show him this thread. Calling him a "cunt" (delightful), a "twat" (I suspect those who throw out this word don't actually know what it means) and him abusive is hardly going to get you what you want.

On the other hand, the situation definitely has to change. I agree with the posters that house money and money for your daughter HAS to come out of joint funds and then the remainder is 50/50. I am not sure how you can engineer this. The first way would be a strong discussion. If that fails, maybe you should sell something of his that he really likes and use it to buy some clothes for you.

Although he brings in the money, it sounds like you look after the home and your (joint) daughter, so the money is by rights 50/50, not as some favour.