to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

I hope you do accept some help Mandy :) it wouldn't be offered if people didn't believe that you deserved it, so don't for one second believe that you don't.. you're outnumbered I'm afraid

Hi, I don't know what size you are but you look like about a size 10? I have quite a few size 10 things that don't fit me anymore as I'm now a 12 so if you want I have jeans, trousers, tops etc if you post back that you want them then I will give you my email address etc

Really I have loads of clothes if you want them...far too many that don't fit. I prob have some size 8 from ages ago as well

Regarding the doll, I can understand if he didn't approve of it as a present (being quite expensive), and it's quite a nice present for you to give as mother to daughter. Ofc, if he divided money properly (costs of house, DD etc deducted, then remainder shared) you would have easily been able to save to buy it yourself without having to go without clothes.
What I'm saying is that the doll's expense is completely irrelevant to the current situation.

Can you write out a proposed budget as a start? My partner and I have just done this. Total Income, deductions for rent etc. Estimate on food costs, bills etc.
Highlight how much is left and make a plan for the next, say, three months. You need to set aside X for Christmas presents, that sort of thing. Then write out a list of items you need in order of priority. Eg, I only have one pair of jeans that fit properly, but my boyfriend had no coat. Coat comes first. Jeans come second so we'll see if we've got some money for them from the budget. Lay this out clearly and sensibly, be realistic. Then ask him to write a similar list of his priorities. Compare them with him. Ask him if his games are really as important as your coat/shoes etc.
He may not listen to this but it seems like a reasonable first step. Don't just give him the list, you're giving him control. If he comments about the joint expenses, you say 'our daughter is a joint responsibility, obviously, and we both live here so of course we'll both contribute to household expenses'.

Agree to sort through your things and have a few E-bay sales. Both sort through your things together, so he can see you have nothing to spare. Suggest he sells anything of his that doesn't fit etc and he should see how much he has.

Take his list of games he wants and take it into Game or similar games shop. Write down prices (which will range from £35 to £50 for consoles, not sure about PC games but I think the same), then look on E-bay or Amazon. You should be able to find the same games for less. Suggest he buys online and you put the remainder towards savings, daughter, your clothes, etc.

I literally cannot fathom how he can think his daughter is not his financial responsibility. You need to ask him why he thinks this is acceptable. Or just tell him he's wrong.

Above all, be confident. You know you are right. If you cry, it doesn't matter. It doesn't make you any less right.

Mandy, you've received lots of fantastic advice on the thread but I wanted to add mine too.

It sounds to me as though your husband is very controlling (and I think there is definitely some financial abuse going on). This is probably down to his own insecurity. He feels that you're out of his league (and judging by your picture you definitely are, you pretty thing!), and so is trying to keep you as dowdy and dependent on him as he possibly can.

When I was your age I was married to my first husband, who is my eldest daughter's dad. Your posts remind me a lot of myself at your age. My ex was very controlling towards me, financially and in other ways too. I was only allowed a set amount for groceries each week too. I was never allowed to buy anything for myself, in fact if it wasn't for my parents I'd have gone without underwear, tampons, haircuts and coats and shoes. When I asked him for extra money to buy some more nappies for DD he said I was greedy and materialistic. He made out that we never had any money, even though I never bought much, only real bare essentials, so I got a couple of part time jobs. He made such a fuss about me going to work and kept coming into my workplaces and cause trouble, as well as going off in a huff before I was due in at work so I had no one to look after DD (I worked evenings and weekends as he said if I put DD with a childminder he would take her away and I'd never see her again. I stupidly believed him), and therefore couldn't go into work.

Anyway, someone can only take a certain amount of that sort of shit before they snap and things have to change, and I ended up ending the marriage, and I've never looked back. I am now married to a lovely man. We have 2 more children together and he treats DD1 as his own. I don't work and am financially dependent on DH but all money is viewed as "ours". We are both sensible with money, but are both at liberty to buy whatever we want/need if we have the funds for it.

So Mandy, what I'm trying to say is think long and hard about whether you can really bear to stay with a man who deprives you of essentials, and doesn't seem to care if you're feeling upset or down. You deserve a lot better, and TBH if he can't be better than he is being, you would probably be better off letting him get on with it and going it alone.

He buys 'games' for himself while you sort out rent arrears and pay out everything for DD? And have hardly any clothes? I'm speechless. He may be earning the money but you are doing a full time job too, bringing up your daughter and it seems, being the responsible one financially.
You must set aside money for DD and housekeeping, including equipment you need, be it mops or whatever. Only then can you work it all out.

Would he be expected to be an accountant and be given an abacus?
He needs a reality check.
I really feel for you, as you seem to be so undemanding.

I don't think spending £100 on a doll is irrelevant in this situation.Yes it is a nice present but not really an essential, or something that is going to benefit the child at present.
It is important to prioritise spending money.Ensuring that the whole families basic needs are met ie fed and clothed does come before buying expensive gifts.

"I am considering accepting some of the offers but I just feel like I couldn't possibly be deserving of such kindess and generosity. I am amazed by how lovely some of you have been to me, and I have felt for the first time in a while that I am not completely worthless. "

Mandy, you need to know that people who are emotionally abusive will sometimes try and make the abused person feel worthless and undeserving. It is another way of trying to control them.

You might want to take a look at this website about financial abuse

[http://www.wdvh.org.uk/documents/47n.html]

I don't want to make any particular judgments on your situation. I'm just letting you know what can happen.

Is there anyone neutral (not in the family) you can talk to about all this. Someone mentioned something about counselling. Have you told your counsellor what is happening and how you feel?
Could you go and see a Relate counsellor on your own. You don't have to involve your other half or even let him know what you are doing. I do think you should get some real life support somehow.

Think about it - if you don't do something (and getting some neutral support could be a good first step) then nothing is ever likely to change. Do you want things to continue like this?

Maybe this helpline that works across Manchester might be a good place to start?

Women?s Domestic Abuse Helpline
0161 636 7525

Even if you don't think it is abuse, they would offer a friendly listening ear IRL

poor you. i agree with other mners, it does sound like domestic abuse, strong words i know, not ones you feel you can relate to yourself as "this always happens to someone else and at least he is not hitting me/punching me/or whatever" please look at the womens aid website go to the library to do it if you need to keep it confidential. they have places to stay if you need it and can get you out of the area. they should also know where you can get free legal advice re your situation which may help you think thro your options.
do you feel like people will judge you look down on you if you tell them? it can be really hard to make that first step but at least you have started telling mners.
i get the doll thing. you have so little for dd and want to do something special and it was your spending money you saved up. for god's sake hide the dolls from dh, just in case. hide away any money you can in your own account and hide the bank statements. hope all goes well.

fatlazymummy I said it was irrelevant because the OP is asking for advice now. So, firstly, it's not our business to interrogate her spending, secondly that was apparently a while ago and the situation may have changed since then, thirdly as I said, if the OP's DH was treating money as he should, the OP could have spent her spare money on the present but also had things of her own too. Surely a present for the DD (which may be an investment for the future too) is more worthwhile than his games?
Also from what the OP has said she lacks confidence and doubts her own worth :( so perhaps she felt her daughter was more deserving that she was? I don't think it's our place to judge, nor do I think it will help.

I know what you mean about prioritising, but I think it is the DH that needs to prioritise, not the OP!

skyrg* sorry but I'm not interrogating her spending, it did come up. The fact is the OP did make the choice to spend £100 on a present for her daughter, when she could have spent a smaller amount on a present and some on herself on some essential clothing.
She does have access to some money [and managed to save £100 in 3 months] therefore she does need to take responsibility for her own spending decisions. [Yes her husband does too.]
There is a difference between having to spend her own money on a stairgate eg, and choosing to buy a present for £100 .
It's not a matter of judging her but I do think she needs to take this point on board.

I wasn't referring to you particularly flm, I was referring to someone looking through her past threads and finding that, then bringing it up.
Yes the OP did spend £100, but she's said this was a while ago and perhaps it wasn't a problem then? We don't know how her situation has changed.
Her husband doesn't seem to have contributed to the present either. Perhaps he didn't approve, but then surely they could have some kind of agreement and decided on something else?
Plus it sounds like they as a family can afford that, it's just her DH who prevents them being able to. Therefore the OP may have felt that her DH shouldn't stop her DD having everything they could afford for her? I'm guessing here, just saying there are explanations.

All that aside, I still stand by what I said, that the OP doubting her own worth may have led her to disregard her own needs and buy for her daughter. She may have the wrong priority, but surely she needs support to realise she is a priority too? I think people commenting on her past decisions may make her doubt herself more :(

Christ, he sounds like a tosser.

i also fail to see the relevance of op buying dolls which were saved up for and were for special occasions for a baby compared to a her dh buying non sentimental value games at £50 a pop.

Op did you talk to him again? The biggest concern I have was you being so upset and him dismissing you when you tried to tell him how you felt. You must not allow yourself to be dismissed like that. Please let us know what you do. Xxx

Saving up to buy a special present for a special occasion in May does not mean that extra money in October should be spent on games rather than winter shoes. Fair enough if they were absolutely broke all the time but there is spare money every month and its really shit that it gets spent on games and nights out for one person whilst the other person doesn't have clean pants or warm clothes.

The OPs DH was out last night spending money that could have gone towards shoes and underwear. He knew she was upset, he knew that she needs money for essential clothes but instead of being nice to her he belittled her concerns and went out. He is BU and its got nothing to do with buying a barbie in May.

Mandy I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation, excellent advice from some on here (albeit with the screeches of "twat" and "leave him!" etc.etc.)

Practically, dds and household stuff come out of the money before it's split, NOT yours afterwards.

Re cash for you, can you save part of the CB or have it paid into a separate account? that money is yours as you are the main carer.

Could you get an evening job in a restaurant/bar/ as a carer. there's a few sings up in windows round my way (South Manc) wanting part time staff? the save save this money after you've bought some much needed clothes for yourself.

Finally I'm in your area and the same dress/shoe size. I'm always needing to get rid of stuff including jeans/coats/skirts and I have a pair of boot I don't want anymore. they are your size. I don't need this stuff i have new stuff to replace it with and don't have the space to store it all.

please consider messaging me and having some of it, although can't guarantee you'll like it!

Do you have a winter coat? It's freezing outside.

Mandy thank you for your message, please please let us help you, there must be a mumsnetter near to you who would receive anything sent and pass it on to you if you do not want a bunch of random women on the wed knowing your address.
I have been on MN 8 years and I have seen some of the most outstanding kindness here.

Let me tell you something about being loved...
I met DH1 when I was 14, we got married when I was 21 and we are blessed with two beautiful children, sadly we grew apart and separated a couple of years ago, it was not a nasty split we are still friends and parents.
Two Christmases ago I was having a moan that every year I make up stockings for everyone (my mum my sister my 2 boys, New DP and DH1 who spends Christmas with us) and no one ever made one for me, it was a passing whine, Christmas eve I put out everyones stockings on the beds when they were asleep, next morning when I go up on my bedroom door was a massive stocking full of little things like socks, a belt, my favorite chocolates, a dvd and so on that DH1 had made for me, this is a man Who I left, when I ask him why he had done it he said "because I should have nice things and I do so much for everyone else" the fact that your husband is happy to let you walk around cold and unkempt is disgraceful and disrespectful and he should be ashamed of himself

OMG - would be happy to send you some stuff if I knew your size and how to get it to you. Is there anyway the Mumsnet management could help organise this?

I think your situation is truly awful.

Just bumping this up - please can we lobby the MN management, so that something can be organised to help this lady?

I don't think there's any need for MN Towers to be involved is there? Anything that's needed can be sorted out easily enough between the OP and individual posters.
people are PMing the OP with offers of stuff I think.

yes happy to help

Which part of M/CR Mandy? (can message me if want to keep it confidential)