to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

Mandy, it is rare on an internet forum that I'd say to someone to leave her partner.
But in thisa case I think you must.
You have no clothes FFS.
He has married beneath himself. It's 2010 FFS.
I have nothing to send I'm afriad, but how lovely the other MN-ers are who can.
Kepp us up to date Mandy x

I don't think saying her husband is ugly is going to help mandy feel better .

Oh Mangy, you are deserving of kindness - why can't you see that?! Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, "I'm a lovely person, people want to help me and I am deserving of their help." Repeat until you believe it.

Please take the help offered as a short term solution and work on a long term one re your relationship with your DH.

And I think you sound like a lovely mum for saving up and buying your DD dolls - what a lovely tradition you're starting in her life. Bet she'll still have them when she's 90 and will treasure them as memories of you.

Now make like a lioness and go and stand in front of that mirror.

Aaaarrrgghh, meant Mandy, NOT Mangy, sorry.

That's all you need, me calling you mangy! Good job you're stunning so you know it's a genuine typo!

Hope you're ok this evening Mandy.
Lol at Mangy - what a typo!

I read some of this thread yesterday, I hope Mandy you're finding it helpful, I can see why you might be feeling overwhelmed.

Thinking about things further, I notice you're in touch with some MNers via MN IM thingie, and it occurred to me that you should be v. careful if you go ahead and meet up with anyone in RL who you met here, it would be all too easy for any old perv to pose here as a mum, so please do be careful if you do meet up with anyone. I'm sure almost all people on here are genuine and nice people, I'm probably being a little hysterical thinking this way (I'm turning into my mum!).

Hope everything works out for you, your girl is a cutie!

Hi Mandy,

I dont wish to comment on your husband as I think you know deep down what sort of a person he is. Im just a bit worried that someone in RL might show him this thread and that it could cause all sorts of problems for you. I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world.

How are you today Mandy?

Shame on your husband. How can he spend money on gaming when you have so little? He needs to do some serious growing up. If you feel brave, I'd buy food for you and your daughter, keep it somewhere safe and tell him to buy his out of his 'spends'.

Shoes and underwear are essential items, computer games are luxuries for overgrown schoolboys. He needs to wake up and realise that bills include your DD's clothes and equipment, then you get to divide the rest. He needs to grow up and act like a man instead of a spoilt brat.

For starters, you should have a joint account, or a bank account. Secondly, make sure you get the CB transferred into your name and account. And finally, I would give him an ultimatum, either he takes your DD's expenses into account, or you will leave he is abusing you and sadly, I think it will get worse as he exerts more and more control and erodes your confidence.

I hope you manage to sort it out - you deserve so much better.

Hi Mandy, how are you today? Come back if you can

Hi Mandy, hope you're okay. I've just read through the other thread you linked to and the thing that immediately occurred to me was whether your DH is on the autistic spectrum. I see that the last poster in the thread asked the same thing, but I'm not sure whether you ever saw the message. Maybe something worth looking into.

I've met thesecondcoming and she is definitely not a hairy arsed trucker!

mandy you didnt message me back... please take these boots off my hands,they are now cluttering up my bedroom floor and DH keeps giving me face as he knows they dont fit me.

help me to help you to help me.

how are you today?

mandy I too have lots of new and nearly new shoes cluttering the place up that don't fit me.. I echo Jax's comments

Hope you are doing OK today?

Mandy, my dh was like this too, particularly when dd was little. I had no clothes, he resented spending any money on me (even on tampons!) - having forced me to give up my job in the first place. What he wanted was control and that's what he got. In the end it was Gordon Brown and his child tax credits that started getting me out of it. The giro had my name on. I queued at the post office to cash it and HAD MONEY!!! Now, I didn't have to ask my gp for a prescription for aqueous cream (because dh wouldn't pay for it). I still didn't have money for clothes, but just that tiny bit of money coming straight to me, which dh couldn't get his hands on began to give me a tiny bit of power. DH didn't spend on games, he spent on dope and coke but that's another issue.

I never went back to work by the way. I was ill though we didn't know it but was eventually diagnosed with ms and a year or so later got dla. This is still my main source of income.

I am working up the courage to leave him. I am working up the courage to tell people I am leaving him. I am terrified. I was so helpless and have been for a very long time.

Make a break now. Please. It only gets harder as time goes by - and it's never the right time, it never is.