to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

He is extremely unreasonable. From now on tell him disposable income will be split 4 ways... DH, you, DC and emergency/savings pot. And please buy yourself some warm shoes and some jeans! What DC doesn't need can be put away for birthday/Christmas.

I agree on splitting money, but money for the house and DD should come out of the main income before the remainder is split, always! In our budgets DS gets more than either of us each month.

Take Id with ypu to the bank, birth certificate, passport, utility bill with your name on it.

When you've been to the bank call in at a solicitors and make an appointment. You'd be better off without him. You're young and beautiful. Don't waste your life with a selfish tosser who doesn't appreciate you.

Have you actually got any money that you can spend on shoes right now?

Are you married? Has he always been this way?

He's a complete cunt, end of discussion.

mandy please listen to the good advice you're being given.

The child benefit goes into the food shopping usually coldcomfort DH sets a budget of £60 a week for food so I usually save it towards that because it usually needs topping up a bit.

He just has warped priorities is all, I don't know. I don't think he is abusive he can be really nice a lot of the time.

I can't go and get any now as I've just been food shopping and have no money left until DH gets home with my spends.

Mandy - whereabouts are you?

I'm sure there are plenty of friends on here who can help you.

Next time you're online say what location you are and your size.

you are walking around in sandals in winter because your husband will not pay for you to have shoes. That's a fact. I bet he is wearing shoes.

On what planet is that nice?

Why does HE solely get to set the food budget - it's hardly a bloody 'budget' if you're having to top it up

£60 a week for food for three, when you've got £260 a month disposable income between you, is insane.

We can spend that or less on food when we're struggling, but when we do have more money, we prioritise eating properly before 'play' money for the two of us!

he should not be setting an unachievable food budget whilst spending money on computer games whilst you go practically barefoot.

have you actually caught onto the fact that he's treating you like his property?

Then next time you go food shopping, buy enough for your daughter and you, and not for him. Do not cook for him. Tell him that, given you were forced to pay for the rent arrears, your dd's clothes etc out of your money, you don't have enough to top up the shopping to cover his food.

He's controlling you through money. He may not be hitting you, but it's still abuse.

No I will buy some shoes, out of my £130, but the thing is that is probably the only thing I'll be able to buy for myself, and that's the most urgent bit. I wish that I just didn't have to decide between shoes or other things. It just upsets me that I have to really be careful just to afford one thing that I actually need. I hope I'm making sense, I'm just getting a bit upset now as I wasn't really expecting such a response, I just wanted a bit of a moan, I'd already sort of convinced myself I was being unreasonable expecting anything more.

Agree with all the others, he is being very controlling and mean.
Try and get some financial control, its not good for you to be dependent on someone who is so tight.

If he is "very nice a lot of the time" have you shown him that you've only got a pair of sandals to wear? Have you told him that you only have 2 pairs of leggings and FOUR PAIRS OF KNICKERS?

Does he know that this is the situation?

I mean really, really know?

Because if he knows you are walking around in OCTOBER in fucking SANDALS and that you can't afford to pay for new stuff because of familial responsibilities then he is not nice.

not nice at all.

Honestly, you have to write down all your household spending and make him review it with you.

He may be nice and just completely oblivious to the costs of running a household and bringing up DC.

He's not nice,he's apparently a selfish tosser who cares more about his games than he does his family.

The money for your dd and the household comes out of your money,he won't allow you to buy a bloody mop,and he sets the food budget.That's not a partnership,that's a dictatorship.

look, he may not be abusive in any other way (though I am a bit about 'really nice a lot of the time' - surely in most normal healthy relationships people are really nice all or nearly all the time, aren't they? ) but the way he is behaving with regard to money is abusive behaviour.

Can you think of it like this? If you go out without proper shoes in cold weather your toes will hurt. If he was causing your toes to hurt by stamping on them you would have no trouble seeing it as abuse, right? By being too mean to get you proper shoes when he has the money which he is spending on games he is allowing you to suffer pain, which no decent man would do.
And the whole set-up of the way money is organised in your house is profoundly inequitable. It gives him all the power. There is absolutely no reason why he needs to do this. I don't know any RL couples who manage money in that way - in a normal modern relationship it is shared.

No you are really not being unreasonable. I'm really concerned that this is going on actually. This is exactly the situation that CB was created for

Mandy, I hope you don't think me awful for saying this, but from your pic on your profile, you are absolutely GORGEOUS and I bet he just doesn't want you to go out to buy new clothes, because he wants to keep you scruffy so that other men don't look at you.

Write down EVERYTHING you have spent on DD this month. When he comes home with the money, tell him you need to be repaid for all the things you have bought for DD, and THEN split the remainder.

And do let us know what your size is, I'd happily post you some stuff of mine I'm in the middle of clearing out if it would fit.

I think you both need to sit down and plan out a new budget, taking into consideration all costs (including rent arrears, childrens clothes etc)

Then decide between you what you both wish to do with the money that is left.

A marriage is a partnership.

Having rent arrears while having 'disposable' income is a bit weird as well tbh. What did he think about the arrears? Did he not think he should contribute towards them, or at least prioritise paying you back half of them before computer games?

I agree with Beb tbh. Do you not go out together? Surely then he must see what you are wearing?