to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

What would he think if he knew a group of complete strangers wanted to send you shoes and warm clothes because of his unreasonable behaviour? It says something about his behaviour that you are seem to think you are somehow in the wrong for expecting your husband to care that you have only sandals to wear in October!

Mandy's area and a pic are on her profile.

I don't normally use this word unless about my (violent) ex husband, but yours is a cunt Mandy. I don't know whether I feel more angry or just terribly, terribly upset at what I'm reading.

PLEASE do as has been suggested and open an account of your own, putting the Child Benefit in it at least. And then speak to women's Aid. This is abuse love, and the scariest thing of all is reading you say that he "just" has warped priorities and "he can be really nice".

Nice men do not expect their wives to wear sandals in the winter rain or to scrub the floor on their hands and knees because they won't pay for a mop and bucket.

As I said, that's a form of domestic abuse.

If I were you I'd have sold all the bastards belongings by now and kicked him out the door. You may not be as bloody minded as me but that doesn't mean I'm wrong here. Please, even if you write me off as an extremist old cow, listen to the more moderate women on here and do something to protect and care for yourself and your daughter.

I've just had a look at your pictures.

You are both very, very young, aren't you?

If he is basically a decent guy, then you need to explain to him that this is not a fair way to handle expenses. If he doesn't accept that, then he's not ok, and I suggest you start by selling some of his games. I can tell you there is no way my Dh would consider keeping money back for himself if I didn't have shoes and adequate clothing.

I too have just checked your profile picture

goodness, didn't your husband marry 'up'

I'm not surprised you're getting upset - you have fallen into this gradually and you need to stand up for yourself before it's too late and you end up staying at home in a dressing gown because you have no clothes to go out

Mandy, please answer one question. Please. Why is he not responsible in any way for providing for his daughter?

Your DH sets you a food budget! And it isn't even sufficiently covering the cost of food (which I presume he is eating too). I really don't know what to say... With every post I am getting angrier at your DH.
Maybe he is 'really nice a lot of the time'... but ask most Mumsnetters whether their DH would let them walk around in sandals in November so he could buy the latest computer games and they would answer NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Is he aware of how you feel OP and that you need some warm clothes? If he is, he's being a complete arse!

I think BEB might have hit the nail on the head

on this occasion,i would consider a catalogue account. just because there are probably a few other bits you've failed to mention.

coat?
boots
jumpers
gloves

seriously,it might be the best way for now....in his name of course

And the fact he wants you to get down on your hands and knees and scrub the floor with a scrubbing brush rather than spend a tenner on a mop is disgusting

Do you a real life friend or mum you can talk to?

Oh gosh, you are so young and pretty but really this isn't a nice adult relationship. It isn't equal, it isn't fair, you are being treated badly. If what you've read upsets you it's because it's all true and deep down you know it.

from my perspective as a financially secure middle aged woman, I am imagining what my cleaner would say if she told me we needed a new mop and bucket and I told her she could scrub the floor on her hands and knees.

she would tell me where to go and I would be looking for another cleaner!

(and if I posted on AIBU about it everyone on here would have every sympathy for her.)

The only thing I would say in his 'defence' so to speak, is that I'm guessing he must be in his very early 20's also?

In which case, I'd be less inclined to call this 'domestic abuse', and more inclined to think he is an immature twit who doesn't know better. Most boys his age WOULD be spending money on computer games, however he has to understand he has a wife and child now, and that means he needs different priorities. Sit down with him with a list of all your household expenditures and money for DD. Give him a chance to do the right thing and THEN if he doesn't, leave. Men who are selfish with money tend to be very selfish with many other aspects of their lives; their time, their effort etc. Don't wait around to still be treated as a second class citizen in 10 years time.

You're not too far from me but I bet my middle aged shortarsed womanly clothes wouldn't fit. :(

C'mon OP - sizes please?

I don't get how rent arrears come out of 'your' money - does he not live in the house?

Have to say that a 'nice' man does not see his wife walking around in sandals when there's frost on the ground.

What size are you? I can send you some of my shoe mountain if you like... but tbh, that won't solve the underlying problem.

Which seems to be that he appears to see 'house' and 'child' as your sole responsibility, which is bloody worrying in terms of how he views your relationship.

Don't get upset, get ANGRY! OK, if you want to be nice, write down what everything REALLY costs - food, bills, home essentials (cleaning materials, the odd bloody mop)rent, dd's clothes, activities, fares (and yours, does he pay for his lunches and fares out of 'his' money) - this is what comes out of any joint money. Present this to him. If he gets angry or refuses, you have your answer as to what kind of man this is. I suspect 'nice' is not the answer.
Whatever happens, open your own bank account and put the child benefit into it. Think about getting a part time job. And unless things change very radically, think about leaving him.
I presume he has real clothes? Oh and don't just buy shoes. Buy yourself some jeans at the very least. If this means you can't afford to feed him, oh dear, never mind, eh?

Have you got family you could go to? What about your mum?

When did the budgets get set? Did you have any say in them?

I think you need to sit down together and go through them. You need to insist on a realistic food budget, some small savings for household things (like mops and childproofing stuff) each month, proper allocations for your daughter's clothes etc. Once all that is deducted from the household income, what's left can be divided between you as disposable money. That's a reasonable way to run a household.

And on the food budget, tbh, I'd go shopping and buy all of yours and your daughter's food, and then get stuff for him with whatever's left. If he complains he doesn't have stuff, point out that that's because the food budget is unreasonably low.

Oh Mandy :(

I think you need to listen to the advice you've been given here. I'm hoping your DH is clueless rather than genuinely mean.

Have you pointed out to him that your DD's clothes etc and days out come out of your pocket? Does he know you only have 4 pairs of pants?

However, if he IS aware of this and he's still harping on about his 50/50 split, then please think about what you'll do when your sandals break, it's snowing outside, your leggings have got a bloody big hole in and your DD needs picking up from school, while he's got a shelf full of lovely shiny games. Then's the time to take the lot to Cash Converters, and get yourself and your DD out of there. But don't let it get to that.

Erm sorry if I am not answering everybody's questions, I'm a bit overwhelemed I think.

Yes we are young, I am 21 and he is 22. It is probably immaturity.

Yes he does know about the situation, he knows that I don't have anything. But he just says 'well use your spends' but he doesn't understand it's just not really stretching far enough.

With the rent arrears, he made the agreement to pay a certain amount a month, which was accepted. So he said that we 'might as well just pay it off gradually so that we weren't completely skint'. I did object to this and wanted to just do it all in one go as it wasn't even a huge amount, but he didn't. So I just paid it all off when i got the money last month.

You are all so kind to offer things to me, but I really couldn't accept them. I don't want to deprive other people of things, I'll be ok, I'll manage. I don't want anybody to worry uneccesarily, he isn't violent or mean to me.

Thankyou all for your advice it's given me a lot to think about and i am a bit stunned.

Mandy, this is so sad to read. As other posters have said, this is not a normal relationship in terms of the financial situation that you have found yourself in and it must not continue. You need to make it 100% clear to him that your needs and your daughter's needs are his priority and that includes any clothes, trips, shoes that you need in the course of a month. To read the breakdown of your wardrobe made me . The food budget is absolutely ridiculous IMO and for him to prioritise computer games over his wife and child is such an insult and so far removed from what most husbands/wives would view to be normal.

I have a pair of size 5 converse trainers in good condition looking for a new home as I received some new ones for my birthday so if they would fit, message me and I'll send them on to you in time for the weekend. Not a solution to your problem which seems deep rooted, but would save your feet from this cold weather.

Does he go out at all? Drinking, smoking, socializing in general?

Do you?

I want to punch his selfish lights out.............and incidentally so does dh.

Mandy please sit down with him tonight and discuss things with him. Show him this thread if need be. You say he is not being mean but the way he is treating you is mean.

I do hope you are ok.

In the meantime, if you join your local freecycle/freegle (google them) then you'll find people giving away clothes etc locally to you. Sometimes it not great, sometimes the stuff is really good. This won't fix your problem but at least you'll have something to wear.

You'll still need to buy new knickers though