to think that me having no underwear or shoes is more important than whether the money is split 50/50!!

[MandyMcFly]

Basically what the title says!

Each month after we have paid bills and done the food shopping, there is a small amount of money left, usually £200 ish which DH always insists is split in half and then we use it for what we want.

But he doesn't take into account things we might need for DD, such as clothes for her or bits we need for the house. Last month, I got given a small sum of money, £400, but instead of using it for myself I had to use it to clear the rent arrears and to buy safety gates for the house. Something which was very important and urgent, and in my eyes was the responsible way to spend the money.

This month there is £260 left over after bills and food, but DH is still insisting that we split it 50/50 and that's it. However this is my situation:

I have

• One pair of sandals (that is it - apart from one pair of high heels they are the only shoes I have. Not even just the ones I want to wear, they are literally the only ones!)

• Two pairs of leggings - one of the pairs has a small hole in. I did have a pair of jeans but they had holes in and I had to chuck them away. That is the only things I have that I can wear on the bottom, again I'm not being fussy, they are literally all i have

• 4 pairs of knickers. Seriously.

• One pair of pyjamas.

• About 5 pairs of socks.

• I have about 8 different tops, so can't really complain about that.

But DH is still insisting that I get £130 and that's it, and he keeps the rest to use on games or whatever he wants. Bearing in mind please that this £130 is my spending money for the month, so any activities I want to take DD to or any travel fares all have to come out of this as well. I just think it is beyond stingy and just down right absurd. The reason I have so little things anymore is because since we moved a year ago all of the stuff for the house/DD has come out of my 'spends' and I've had no oppurtunity to spend money on myself. I don't want anything extravagant, but it's getting to the point where I'm worried I'll have no clothes at all I hate it and feel so scruffy. It is an absolute nightmare. I'd love for him to say 'No don't worry, you take all of the spends this month and sort yourself out. I'll wait and get my game next month' But he won't. I know he is the one who goes out and earns it and I do respect that but I don't think I'm asking a lot just to have clothes/shoes and underwear. God I sound so bloody pathetic.

at zip up slippers

Mandy please can I also just share something with you.

My mum has let both of her DH's (consecutively, not at the same time ) walk all over her for her whole life. She never stood up to them and let them control finances as well as other aspects of her life. She is very bitter now, as money that she inherited went towards her husbands debts.

But I like to remind her that he didn't hold her at gunpoint and make her hand it over.

Please don't let yourself turn into that woman. Stand up for yourself and your DD and get what you deserve.

If you let your DD go out with sandals on in this weather you'd be hauled up by the NSPCC.

geeze Mandy there are some really excellent clothes on offer here. I really hope you do get in touch with some of these people & take up some of their genuine offers if the clothes/boots etc are suitable!!! You'll quickly feel like a new woman & you'll be warm too! I think it will seriously give you a great boost to have some new threads.

Hope you're doing OK & the replies aren't too overwhelming. Clearly you've touched a nerve with your post

I hsve to agree with lots of other posters and say that your DP sounds v immature (aam hoping it is immaturity rather than actual meanness!)
Please please sit down and put on a spreadsheet your actual outgoings each month so he can see where the money goes and why you really dont have enough for everything.
If he really refuses to see it then make sure you stop buying anything for the home or DD out of your money and insist it comes out of the joint bit.

Please do telll us your sizes as well. I have size 7 shoes/boots and size 10 jeans and leggings you can have if you PM me...

Yes Larry, we do know what those words mean, thank you. I prefer not to use them as it is an insult to the vagina to liken it to some idiot male. As an excellent friend of my bro's once said of someone she didn't like, "I would call him a cunt, but he lacks the warmth, depth and usefulness of one".

ColdComfortFarm, I'm a keen player of computer games although I'm way into the slippers and Horlicks age myself, and not even a bloke...

Hi Mandy. God you are gorgeous! And so is your DD!

I would like to give your DH the benefit of the doubt and think that he is just thoughtless and immature. The 60 budget for food is not enough but if you have been subsidising it from child benefit he may not know that. It was your choice to pay the rent arrears from the 400 you had given that he had an agreement to pay it off gradually.

I am hoping that he is just thoughtless and immature and needs waking up a bit.

So what you need to do is sit him down tonight and tell him that the way you are sorting things financially at the moment is not working.

Then you work out a monthly plan. Essentials like rent, bills etc. A budget for food/household items (like mops etc!). A budget for things for your DD - clothes, safety equipment etc - what you don't actually spend can be kept back and used for birthday and Christmas presents etc. You also need a contingency fund. There will always be emergencies cropping up and it is good to know that you have a bit of a financial cushion. Then what is left is split two ways - you and him.

His response to your perfectly valid and reasonable request will tell you a lot.

Good luck!

He's being ridiculous and really unfair to you. IMO you should get the majority of his share for the next few months to get yourself what you need.

He's a very, very selfish man.

Ok have not read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been suggested. I find money tight too so instead of the stuff I would love to wear I have to bargain hunt. I got some great winter boots in tesco yesterday for £7. Ok they probably won't last long but they are better than sandals in this weather. Stuff like underwear you can pick up cheaply in tesco/asda/primark type places and very reasonable jeans etc to see you through. What a rotten situation. Have you thought of eBay too? Lots of brand new bargains to be had on there and you could sell some of the bits your child has outgrown to pay for it too. I have got loads of stuff for ds on there for next to nothing.

Buy your clothes off ebay and set up a Paypal account from your joint bank account, that's what I have done!

Oops, didn't read the last message!

Thank goodness for Larry - if he hadn't come and told us all how unreasonable we were being about the OP's DH, well, she might actually feel the need to do something about the situation! Can you imagine???[shock ]

If he is truly ignorant of the cost of things, he needs to get to the shops with you and see the prices for himself.

My DH wouldn't be able to live with himself if I had virtually no clothes. But then he is kind and generous. I'm sorry that your DH thinks it's OK for you to spend your money on essentials while he spends his on fun things. He needs to grow up and learn that when you have responsibilities, they are the priority, not games. Just because he earns the money, is no reason to keep you short.

I think it sounds an abusive situation, at the very least controlling. Especially if he gets in a temper when you raise the subject, dismisses your needs as unnecessary, or refuses to have a rational discussion about your financial arrangements.

I think it's lovely that lots of people on here are offering clothes and shoes, but surely the point is that the DH should be providing money for this.

If OP starts swanning around in new (albeit second hand) clobber, I'm sure her DH will see no reason to change his selfish ways.

As soon as he gets home OP, show him your floppy sodden sandals and demand money to get a pair of decent shoes.

Dont under estimate charity shops too......I dont have loads of money but im sate here in skinny jeans new with tags from primark (£1 in charity shop) and a long v necked black angora jumper (20p at a jumble sale)......my clothes are the envy of lots of my friends and my purse hardly gets dented (thank god).

While you're thinking about how to tackle this, can I recommend charity shops? There are some real bargains out there if you're prepared to have a search through. I've found brand new jeans for a fiver, also brand new pairs of shoes and boots for the same price. Fleeces from £1. Just a thought to keep you going, especially if you don't take up the offers on this thread - but I think you should take them up, it will give you a real boost.

Does he work in a macho environment, or have macho family I wonder? Maybe he has been wound up about women spending loads of money on girly lunches and handbags and is too thick (sorry OP) to realise that it's bollocks?

He is being selfish, but we don't have a full enough picture to call him abusive, surely? Sit him down tonight, explain to him what you have to us. My DH thought "I've got nothing to weeeeaaaar" was just my mantra until I showed him the situation explicitly and explained that I was trying to wash and dry or spot clean one pair of trousers every night. He immediately gave me carte blanche to fix the situation, but really hadn't understood how dire it had gotten!

Personally I would just stop doing days out and fun things during the day until I had what I needed, but I'm a selfish old bag...

even Larry thinks it is unacceptable, though. And I think if even the person who likes coming onto threads and telling us all we are over-reacting still thinks something has to change, it makes the conclusion that bit harder to escape from....

Seth,

Lol, we are probably not as far apart as we think in what we actually think is fair. We just get there from completely different angles.

The idea of being with someone (from both people's perspectives) is to make their lives better, not worse.

OP, can I suggest something to you?

As others have said you need to work out the finances and what is needed for what and budget accordingly - you need to set this together.

However do this after you have done a month of NOT spending any of the child benefit on your supermarket food, stick to the budget he has set and then he will see how it works.

In addition once this period of you NOT topping up is over, perhaps you could suggest an "allowance" for yourself to have spending money on and an "allowance for him", then split the remainder?

Larry.

Not read the whole thread, but there is no way i could treat my DW this way.

on a practical note what happens to the games after he has finished with them?. Are they XBOX PS3, You can trade in for cash at GAME HMV etc. You will need ID utlity bill etc. But you could recover cash that way.

I would just sell the games machine and the games on Ebay...would make a point. Polite discussion first though to give him a chance to see that he is completely unfair.

Also don't buy any luxury stuff for him - I mean cigarettes or beers if he smokes or meat he likes or biscuits/crisps that he asks for.

Def no beer.

Things for your dd should come into the joint budget and then what is left over split surely? Haven't read the whole thread but it sounds like you are having to shoulder lots of household expenses out of "your allowance". Why did clearing the rent arrears have to come from "your" money

My DH can be a bit of a tight arse, but there is no way he would treat me like this. We have one joint account anyway so I have free access to our money, but that's not the point. Money is tight at the moment as I'm currently on the unpaid part of my mat leave and we are both being careful about what we spend. If I forego treats, so does he. Nonetheless, he phones me every day at lunchtime and reminds me that although money is tight, if it gets cold in the house, to put the heating on.

I just wanted to add my voice to others who are saying that you need to sit down and have a serious talk about this.

4 pairs of knickers? I have hundreds of the bloody things, and I'm no underwear fetishist either. Its the sandals thing that worries me though - you must cover your feet. I live where you do and it was bitterly cold today. My toes got chilly in trainers.