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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

203 replies

MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 20:47

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/10/2010 20:49

so you gonna keep him away from smokers forever then??

good luck with that....

yabu

CostanzaBonanza · 19/10/2010 20:50

you sounda bit hypersensitive to the smell of cigarettes.Her son just being in your house made it smell like cigarettes?really?
YABU

scurryfunge · 19/10/2010 20:52

It is not unreasonable to think like that at all but if you give these reasons to her you will attract criticism and may appear overly judgemental. Difficult....think I would be making excuses or only have the child to play at yours.

Sassybeast · 19/10/2010 20:52

YANBU. But this thread WILL get ugly Wink Soon someone will be along to tell you that smokers dying of vile diseases is whats keeping the NHS propped up and you are evil for driving a car or something - because your passive car fumes are responsible for mucho cases of lung cancer. Oh, and smokers don't smell Grin

ZZZenAgain · 19/10/2010 20:53

the car of a heavy smoker will smell of cigarette smoke even if they are not smoking at the time, unless they air it a lot. So if your ds sat in the car, his clothe would end up smokey IMO even if they did not smoke whilst he was in there.

If you are not comfortable with the smoking, step away from the relationship or invite the boy to your place but avoid v.v?

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 20:53

Yes really! - so are you saying it's ok for somebody to smoke around children? Surely a child wouldn't smell of it unless their parents are smoking in the same room? I don't think my nose is particularly sensitive BTW...

OP posts:
MsHighwater · 19/10/2010 20:53

Tell you what. Tell your son why you don't want him to be friends with the other boy. He'll tell his friend, it'll get back to his mother and then she'll stop her son being friends with your boy because she doesn't want her son friends with someone whose mum is so petty (perhaps she'll have doubts about your parenting abilities in general, tbh). Sorted.

BellasFormerFriend · 19/10/2010 20:53

Smoking = bad parent? Really? Hmm

Leaving that aside though; Well, it is your
child of course but who long is this ban likely to last? Will you make him ask himself as he gets older?

Whilst I agree that smoking in the car/house is not ideal and smoking around someone elses child is a bit off I think, on balance, YABU.

GypsyMoth · 19/10/2010 20:54

the op'd ds will have a mind of his own one day....what then??

lol,she will lose THAT battle very soon

can we all keep our dc away from kids who have smokers as parents??? lol at the thought

reup · 19/10/2010 20:54

My ds went to a classmates 5th birthday party at his house and came back reeking of smoke. I had not expected something like that till he was a teenager.

The odd playdate is not going to hurt. I dont like smoking but I would not stop their frienship over it. I have some friends that smoke but they do it outside their house.

reddaisy · 19/10/2010 20:54

YABU to not want them to be friends. Do not punish your child's friend because of his parents.

But, you are not being unreasonable to not want him to go to their house/travel in their car etc.

Either be up front about the issue or just make excuses when he is invited over and invite the friend to your house insted.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 20:55

ZZZ - what's v.v? Sorry!

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 19/10/2010 20:55

sorry just mean the other way round. Invite him to your place, but don't send him to their place

ZZZenAgain · 19/10/2010 20:56

(v.v. - I meant vice versa) sorry too lazy to type it out

FairyMum · 19/10/2010 20:56

I am an occasional smoker, but think its disgusting really and never smoke in the house or around the children. I would not like my children to go to a house if the parents smoke in the house.

formerdiva · 19/10/2010 20:58

Seriously, I think you need to chill out about it and stop being so judgey.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 20:58

Bellas - I didn't actually say that somebody who smokes is a bad parent, I was referring to someone smoking around their children. How can knowingly inflicting noxious chemicals on your child not be a bad thing??? Confused

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 20:58

I'd keep the friendship but not letting him go round to the other boy's house or in the car.
I'd also be up front but not nasty about why, and let the other parent decide how she felt about it.
None in my family smoke, and you do become very aware of the smell. I can walk round my class and smell which children come from homes with smokers.

reddaisy · 19/10/2010 20:59

My best friend's parents smoked when I was growing up and we thought it was disgusting and used to do things like wet their cigarettes and chuck them down the toilet Shock

My mum didn't like it but just used to chuck all my clothes/overnight stuff in the wash when I got back so I didn't miss out.

My friend has been there for me all my life and I would hate to be without her.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 20:59

formerdiva - ok so maybe I'm being judgey by talking about their parenting skills (maybe...) but what is wrong with not wanting my DS to breath in cigarette smoke, any more than not wanting him to play with the traffic?

OP posts:
neenz · 19/10/2010 21:00

I wouldnt be comfortable with my kids being around smokers either.

JoBettany · 19/10/2010 21:01

I really don't think YABU at all.

From what you have observed they are heavy smokers and obviously have no problem smoking in the car or the house. I would want to keep my DS out of that environment.

Of course a child smelling of smoke will make the room he is in smell of smoke!

However I do think I would be able to put up with that from time to time so your DS gets the chance to see his friend out of school.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/10/2010 21:01

I agree totally and have gone to the extreme of cutting ties with family members whos houses were saturated with cigarette smoke/ smell, if they don't give one about their own childrens health then that's shit but ultimately up to them, they will not get the chance to affect my childrens health. I would see someone smoking whilst caring for/ being around my child as willingly abusing them and I will not tolerate it. But I am an ex smoker and we are the worst for this kind of thing Grin

winnybella · 19/10/2010 21:01

How exactly do you propose to stop the friendship? Will you do this with every friend your son will make? 20% of aduls smoke in the UK, he's bound to have friends with parents who smoke.

YABU

BellasFormerFriend · 19/10/2010 21:03

You said smoking around children makes you question their parenting skills in general, I read that to mean if they smoke you question their ability to parent well, is that not what you meant? We all do things that other parents think make us bad parents, there is another thread saying that parents who do not bath their dc every night are bad parents (which is silly) and there have been many others over time that are equally silly. One "bad" decision does not make a bad parent just like that, we are all different.

For the record though I do know that a person from a smoking house can make a non-smoking house smell - and I am a smoker! The difference is I only smoke outside so i can smell it when someone who smokes inside comes into my house - and still smell it after they leave. Also others who do not smoke at all have told me they can smell my smoke smell in their houses. (admittedly only because I have asked them though!)