To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

[MooMooFarm]

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

TBF not if I hadn't smoked at all since my morning shower, they could smell it on me but not really much after I had gone, they said they had to work hard to detect it IYSWIM. However if I had smoked at all since then then yes it took around an hour for it to go.

What was also interesting was that it was detectable on the fabric of the "guest" chair (always the same seat for guests) although that was thanks to all visitors not just me! Presumably it just got into the fabric from our clothes.

gosh we are a horrible lot aren't we?

As for a baby, there is guidance about how long the nasty stuff stays on the breath of a smoker. Some people think that is important, others don't but the info is out there if you would find it interesting/helpful! I think it is around an hour but I could be wrong - although that would fit with my "research" so maybe it is to do with the half life of smoke stuff? (note the technical terms )

Here in Queensland, Australia, it is illegal to smoke in a car where there are children. We have some of the toughest laws in the country.

And I can see the OP's point. I hate smoking and do kick up a fuss about people smoking near me or my children. Luckily, again, here in Queensland, the anti-smoking laws are quite strict. You are not even allowed to smoke on the beach within 10 metres of the flags (safe swimming area).

And I know this is judgey but I would discourage this friendship if it were me.

Nappyaddict, I don't get to smoke when they are awake unless I have husband or family member around watching them. The "heavy" part of my smoking tends to happen when they're asleep. When I get a time when both are napping (rare but amazing when it happens!)or after bedtime I go outside in the garden. I wear a coat that is used only for smoking but am well aware this doesn't eliminate the smell when I come in the house, even after hand washing etc. Not too long ago I was looking after my 2 month old, 18 month old and also helping to care for a very ill close relative and as a result was much less aware of my smoking. Suddenly realised how bad it was when I hadn't had a cigarette but could smell smoke on my baby...nothing more wrong than that really

So you would wear a coat just for smoking in the garden and wash your hands. How long after that could you still smell smoke on your baby?

I couldn't say to be honest as it was a time when I wasn't paying so much attention to the smoking, that's what I meant. My husband gave up smoking a few months ago and says he can definitely smell smoke on me (clothes) even if I've worn a coat outside and washed hands etc at least an hour after. So I guess with no coat then I would transfer that smell pretty quickly on to the children

Can you smell smoke in your car at all?

yep have been a shit mum.

Do you smoke in it though?

I'm kind of worried about my DS going to the houses of people who practice religions. He might come home smelling of superstitiousness.

OP, it won't do him any harm; just relax.

here's my two pence worth...

my mum smokes, mostly outside in her garden but occasionally in her house. I absolutely know that she doesn't smoke anywhere near him and she doesn't let him ever see her smoking. But, everything that has been in her house smells of smoke. I just put all his clothes etc (including the bag) in the wash as soon as we get home. No I don't like it but there's no way i can either tell mum to stop smoking nor will i stop her seeing my son

so OP, it may be that they don't smoke anywhere near their son but it is obviously something you need to check before yours goes round

YABU.

Poor wee boy. If everyone did this then he would have no friends - cruel or what? And yes, you could blame the parent's smoking habits, but that's not fair is it?

He's already going to face judgmentalism over this in years to come - from his peers once they realise that he 'smells like smoke', teachers who think he smokes because he lives in ahouse with smokers.....I could go on but you get the gist.

If every parent didn't let their kid make friends with me when I was at school because of my Mum's smoking habit I would have had no friends at all. And yes, I did face all of the above criticisms.

My mum stopped smoking 2 years ago and has only just realised the effects it had on me and my sis as kids. She would never dream of smoking now, and gets annoyed at anyone who smokes besidemy kids now.

tell her that he suffers from asthma and would she mind not smoking around him.

some of my best friends are smokers - but they don't smoke around my/their kids.

There are levels but for me smoking in the car with children is completely unacceptable & I wouldn't put DD in that situation.

As an ex-smoker I can say that of course smoking doesn't make someone a bad person - but many many smokers are completely oblivious to the stench & impact of their addiction. On balance I don't think YABU to be concerned. Maybe have him over to play & avoid your child going to their house or in their car.

If you really don't want your son to be around people who smoke, you are going to find it very difficult with him making friends, that's just the way it is because many people smoke.

I understand the reasons you want to him away from smokey atmospheres (my exh, dd's dad is a smoker and I hate it, but cannot stop him seeing her because of it. Every court in the land would think I was insane), and the only way to do it is to be honest.

You need to tell the parents that you cannot allow your son in an environment where people smoke as you feel very strongly about it. If they don't like it, that's too bad and it will solve the problem one way or another.

Either they will be offended enough to keep their son away from yours or, they will reassure you that they will not smoke in the house when he is on a playdate there.

I realised that post makes me sound like a smoker hater, I'm not, I was just trying to give practical advice.

moomoofarm,I think everyone here is being a bit harsh towards you.My husband smokes,but only ever in the garden,and never outside or on the way to school;or in the car.You are right to have your concerns,and I wouldn,t want my girls playing in a house where people smoked.It's not necessary.My daughter told me months after a friends party,that the mother had smoked on the way in the car to the venue;if I had known at the time I would have said something,or atleast stopped her going anywhere else with the mum.The freindship fizzled out,but I do feel sorry for the friend who has to breath in her mothers smoke all the time.

I am an ex smoker, and I would not like my child to go to a smoker's household, if they smoked in the house or in the car. It really does stink.

That said, though, it is probably only going to be a once a month occurence, so I don't know whether Iwould be so strict about letting a child go there.

YADNBU. Why on earth would you knowingly let your child inhale fag smoke if you could avoid it? Of course it's not your place to say anything to the parents though - just have playdates at your house and not theirs. If they ask, then say something...

I have a few friends who smoke but would only do it outside and nowhere near their kids. If your child smelt of smoke, then thats enough proof as far as I am concerned.

I don't think it's a defence to go, oh well, that's life and everyone does it. It's not right that kids think smoking is acceptable, normal behaviour. this isn't 1960. We know that passive smoking affects children so why risk it?

I smoke but not around my dd and would never dream of smoking around her friends.

I am nervous of letting my dd go to houses where dogs are, especially the big jawed type ones, I have mentioned it and was told the dog would be kept away.

Perhaps if you asked the Mother not to smoke around your son she woud be happy not to.

I'd just like to point out that the smell of stale tobacco smoke and inhaling tobacco smoke are two completely different things.

An ashtray full of fag ends can make a room smell of smoke even if no cigarettes have ever been smoked in there.
Tobacco smells are not damaging to your health

It's fairly unlikely you'd have an ashtray full of fag ends in a room if you hadn't smoked them? Anyway secondhand smoke and the smells from them ARE dangerous and there is no proven lower limit. Can cause cot death, glue ear and god knows what else. It takes hours for smoke chemicals to dissipate and this is worse in sealed cars.

No child would smell if the parent was genuinely smoking at the bottom of the garden.

I mean if you put an ashtray in a room (like an experiment like...)
The said room would then smell of fags.

To newborn babies perhaps.
`To be honest they don't actally know what causes cot death.

YANBU in my opinion. I have asthma as a direct result of living with someone who smoked and I was only there for a few months. I can not stand the smell of smoke and wouldn't send my child to play at someones house who did smoke.