To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

[MooMooFarm]

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

Perfume, do you smoke around your ds and his friends?

I smoke at home, yes, in a different part of the house from the others. Its a huge place. But I dont think the op is being unreasonable, if it's a big no no for them, they should have the informed choice whether or not to send their kids.

If i send my boy to a house with grossly obese parents, with the proviso they don't feed him, is that reasonable too?

I think it's a bit silly to make such an issue out of it, tbh. Your son will most probably not spend more than 2 hours a month at their house. Now, if the parents smoke next to the kids, ok, I understand you're not too happy about it- I would ask them about it. Same for smoking in the car.

The 'third-hand' smoking research showed that the toxins from the smoke cling to the surfaces and a repeated exposure over years to them might be harmful. Not a couple of hours a month.

get a life, they smoke you dont. your son isnt going to live at their house. get over yourself.

but before you do, dont let your son out of the house because of car pollution either.

knob

Nice, Nordicprincess

No need for personal abuse.

OP YANBU but I would tell them why and be upfront about it. Be prepared for a similar delightful reaction, though.

DH smokes. He won't go outside (not convenient) but smokes in a room in the house with the door shut and as far as he's concerned this is a magic barrier that prevents anything leaking into the house.

He STINKS and so does that room, and the upstairs landing, and so everything he goes near after he has a cig, me and DD included. He will not hear that he smells, he will not have it that he may even tangentially be affecting our DD's health (he is asthmatic but still smokes, asthma gallops rather than runs in our family, but hey, he's okay, so fuck the rest of us - sorry, but this really gets my goat. Smokers like my DH are utterly delusional - he's an intelligent man in all other respects but his addition to nicotine blinds him to reason.

And several of the posters on this thread are sadly like him.

NP, I can't believe you would call someone a "knob" for them not wanting their child to be around heavy smokers. Your comment makes you look like a bit a knob really.

Lovecat that's quite sad to read. Does your dh not believe there is a connection between smoking and asthma?

Don't get me wrong, I know nothing about asthma, apart from the fact it killed my uncle at 54 and he smoked like a chimney.

The point, though, is that OP was wondering whether she would be right in not letting her ds be friends with a boy whose parents smoke.It was a question of him spending few hours a month in their house.

Now all the anti smokers have come in to moan about how smoking smells and how bad it is for you.

Stop the bloody hysteria.

I said she shouldn't stop him from being friends, but say something - my DS certainly spends more than a few hours per month at his favourite friends' houses and he's not even 4 yet, so it would be an issue for me.

I do agree winnybella, the whole thing of passive smoking gets my goat and a few hours here and there are not going to damage anyone. If its the smell, wash the clothes. Ds comes back from some kids houses and clothes smell of damp and grease. I wouldn't worry about it, just pop in the washing machine. And damp spores are a heck of a lot more damaging to health than a few hours in the presence of a smoker.

I remember going outside a restaurant for a smoke with my father, and out came some older folk, sheltering from the rain, under the smoking canopy. They were waiting for their taxi, and asked dad and me if we resented the smoking ban, forcing us out on to the street. We said no, we dont mind smoking out here, and we never smoked while people ate anyway. Well, that still wasnt good enough, the lead lady said " well, even out here i find your smoke offensive"

Dad said, well, so you will have to live with it, just like i find your body odour, perfume and bad dress sense offensive. Live and let live.

I love my dad

My point is, you just cannot please some folk.

Domestic Goddess, if you asked your ds's favourite friend's parents not to smoke in their home, and they refused, would you stop sending him?

Not smoke in their home generally , but I would ask that they didn't smoke when he was there, yes. But he's asthmatic, so personally I would see it the same as asking them not to give him peanuts if he had a peanut allergy. If they refused, then I would stop sending him, yes. I'd have his friend over, and I'd say why as well. I wouldn't be offended if it was the other way round. I used to smoke, but would never do it in front of someone's kids or babies. Now I wouldn't hang out at someone's house with them smoking whether DS was there or not, I just wouldn't find it pleasant. I guess it's just a bit alien to me now due to all the law changes, etc - I hardly know anyone with kids who smokes, apart from a few cheeky fags when they're having a drink. Even my dad, who smokes, does it outside, even at home.

Well I think that's reasonable, I do. If a parent of my son's friend asked the same, if their child was asthmatic, I would oblige. It's your job as a parent to check out the situations your child will be in. And your call.

I wouldn't have said child over often mind you

But, everyone is happy and thats the main thing.

oh please, its rediculous to say am i being unreasonable to not want my son to be friends with a classmate who parents smoke.
Like thats a reason for preventing a friendship, if shes really that bothered about harmful smoke toxins i assume her child walks around town with a mask on aswell michael jackson style?

Of course, ,if it was because the parent of said child just didn't want them in an house where someone has smoked recently, or does so in another room, I would not oblige. But they dont need to send their child so there is no real problem there either.

NP, I agree, it is not a reason to ban a friendship. perfumedlife, luckily I haven't come across it yet, but that could change when starts school! He'll probably start smoking in his teens anyway. When he was a baby, I'd feed him all organic food, and sometimes think, "what is the point, he's only going to start eating McDonalds, binge drink and take drugs when he's old enough" .

YANBU YANBU YANBU!

I'd just say no, apologise and say I don't really like him being in smokey atmospheres. But I am blunt

If you don't feel able to do that then you will have to just keep being unavailable.

I had something similar when DS2 age 4 was allowed to go alone to a park out of sight of the mum's house when he went to tea there, some might feel this is ok, I most definitely didn't. I did mention it to her, but could tell she felt I was over the top. You will probably get the same reaction from someone who is happy to smoke in the car or house around their dcs, they're going to judge you (oh, the irony).

Tea at others houses is fraught with worries for me, bloody trampolines, not bothering with seatbelts, different ideas on how much freedom, playing unsuitable computer games (one of mine got to play Grand Theft Auto, aged 6 ). I hate it. I just try to pick my battles carefully, smoking in front of them would be one of those battles for sure.

Oh Poppity I am so with you there. All the other things freak me out about freedoms. I found out my sister lets my ds and her dd to walk a long lane from her house to my mothers, alone. Was ill, totally ill, at the thought. She thinks I am way too protective. But, smoking, mcdonalds and so on, thats that, but stranger danger, well, you sometimes dont live from that.

And yes, off topic, and I KNOW statistically speaking it wont happen. Doesnt stop me fretting though.

It's a minefield, without a doubt.

I think Winnybella's point has been the most useful. Lots of everyday things are harmful to health, and what most people want to know as parents is how harmful something is. So what the OP needs to know is how harmful is it for her her child to spend time with a child who smells of smoke, and how harmful is it for her child to spend a couple of hours a fortnight in a house in which people might smoke.

Is it more or less harmful than living in an urban area, inhaling room fresheners everyday, owning a pet?

DS has a friend who is allergic to dogs. As a consequence of this he cannot sit next to DS in class, even though DS does not wear his school uniform at home. I am not offended in any way that the friend is never going to be able to visit our house, because I understand the risks and discomfort caused.

So I think the OP needs to work out what the actual situation is and what the actual risks to her child is, which is going to be partly about her child's health and partly about whether or not the parents do smoke in the house.

I haven't read the thread, but why not keep it simple and tactful and say that ds tends towards asthma and therefore has to be kept out of smoky environments so if they do smoke at home, completley fair, but how about if their son comes to yours?

Brilliant Hullygully.

Knob..... You're no 'nordicprincess' .. and you can't spell

Sorry but one personal attack deserves another.

Ahem - as we were....

I think you're nuts OP

I don't smoke and never have but this thread makes me want to light up and run around terrifying children and their parents with my noxious attitude. :)