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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

203 replies

MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 20:47

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

OP posts:
animula · 19/10/2010 22:01

Seriously, though, why not just be the invitee? The other parent will love you for all the invites, and the problem is solved.

You really shouldn't undermine your child's friendship choices. It's a big deal. They respect us so much at this age, and your ds will get a strong message that when he likes someone/something he shouldn't trust his judgment.

You don't want to go down that path unless there is something seriously amiss with the relationship itself.

JoBettany · 19/10/2010 22:04

However, a parent also has a duty to protect their child.

The OP feels strongly, and I agree, that a smoke filled environment is not one she wants to have inflicted on her DS.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 22:05

Ok, so maybe I worded the title a little strongly - I don't want DS to not be friends with this little boy; he seems perfectly nice, blah, blah. I just wish my DS had chosen a friend who's parents didn't smoke!

OP posts:
theywillgrowup · 19/10/2010 22:05

i smoke in my kitchen,so yes if they enter there i suppose i do

if im with my friend and say were at a park "yes the ultimate sin smoking in a park" and DC's come over then yes

i do seem to attract the smokers as friends,oh and we have been known to like a drink sometimes to,and eat macdonalds,eat crisps and biscuits,buy some value items and loads more

yes im a try to be chav because we do all the things that seemed frowned upon

carry on girls

Surprise · 19/10/2010 22:08

YANBU not to like the smoking, but it's not fair on the children to keep them apart. I would either make up an excuse (DS gets very chesty around smokers etc) and would they mind if their son came to you instead. Or I would try not to worry about it. The odd visit there now and again won't hurt.

theywillgrowup · 19/10/2010 22:10

im being serious now

but if you insist the child comes to you for playdates at some point the mother will invite your DC back,she already has so you will have to say something about this issue,dont see you have much choice,cant see how you can avoid telling her the real reason

she may be more understanding than you think,she may be embarrassed and you dont realise how much as a smoker it lingers

good luck

JoBettany · 19/10/2010 22:15

I wouldn't want my DS to be in a house where someone was smoking. My choice.

I wouldn't be as nice as the OP as I wouldn't be worrying about it. Luckily for me none of my friends smoke.

I don't think it is chavvy to smoke in front of children. I think it is selfish and inconsiderate.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 19/10/2010 22:18

theywillgrowup - wouldn't give a shit about you eating whatever you want near my kids, or drinking (as long as you dont get too lairy) around them but smoke around them and I would get fucked off because they inhale it.

I smoked for years and still do now and again, but never around kids, it's rank.

UnlikelyFangazonian · 19/10/2010 22:19

'playdates' ?? Confused

My poor poor ds is so feckin disadvantaged. He has no father, no family relations at all, and a smoker for a mother (only three a levels)

I could not and shall not inflict him or myself on anybody. ever. again. feeling quite suicidal now actually at not knowing the word 'playdates' and being a smoker. Shit mother.

JoBettany · 19/10/2010 22:22

So you keep saying UnlikelyFangazonian.

I believe you already!

Chatelaine · 19/10/2010 22:22

UnlikelyFangazonian - that was a bit harsh (on me) how else do you get to know people if not getting together?

theywillgrowup · 19/10/2010 22:23

unlikely come to mine with your ds,you will have to exscuse the fag butts and emptys by the front door though

lol

JoBettany · 19/10/2010 22:28

theywillgrowup you are entitled to bring your DC up in any way you see fit.

If 'fag butts' and 'empties by the front door' is your parenting style then that is entirely up to you.

theywillgrowup · 19/10/2010 22:32

lighten up its meant lighthearted,obviously you take these boards veryyyyyyy seriously

onceamai · 19/10/2010 22:35

Don't really see the problem - assuming they're smoking legal substances. Wouldn't want it all the time but during the occasional playdate wouldn't mind (much). Just a thought but ds made friends with a really lovely boy who had really lovely parents. It was only years later that we found out his mum and dad enjoyed a few puffs on wacky backy in the back garden after dinner. The boys went off to different schools - the friendship has endured. There's not a lot you can do about it - you can't chose their friends so best to go with the flow. Hope your DS's future wife doesn't smoke for all your sakes.

FrameyMcFrame · 19/10/2010 22:35

Ah Op...

I think you're being pretty nasty here.

This poor child has to put up with smoking parents and you say you hope your son makes another friend instead. :(

That is truly mean on your DS's friend and your DS. It's not his fault that his parents smoke.

:( :( :(

JoBettany · 19/10/2010 22:40

Oh, it was a joke. I did not get that!

Now you've explained it to me I'm finding you hilarious.

Will try to keep up in future!!

FrameyMcFrame · 19/10/2010 22:42

Actually take it a step further.

I seriously doubt your parenting abilities in general.

SuePurblybilt · 19/10/2010 22:43

It is sad for the little boy but I'm with the OP, I wouldn't let my DD play in a smoky house for any length of time or go in a car with people smoking. Not because I hate people who smoke (as I did for years and much of the times wish I still did), but just those who smoke around children. It's not free or bohemian or clever, it's nasty.
By the back door or whatever, fine if that's your choice. But not in a confined space with my child you don't

Chatelaine · 19/10/2010 22:45

OP - You have a responsibility to guide your children in their choice of friends whilst they are young, deveoping and impressionable. The wider world can wait.

FrameyMcFrame · 19/10/2010 22:45

But she's never been to their house to see if it's smoky, she's just guessing.

For all she knows they would make an effort not to smoke in the house if they are having company, especially children.

Goblinchild · 19/10/2010 22:47

'Don't really see the problem - assuming they're smoking legal substances'

Illegal substances smell so much nicer though.

Original poster
MooMooFarm · 19/10/2010 22:48

Framey - I know I shouldn't take the bait, but on what basis do you doubt my parenting abilities? All you know about me is that I don't want my son to breathe cigarette smoke Confused

OP posts:
PreciousLittle · 19/10/2010 22:48

I do find it amazing that you would consider limiting this friendship because his little friend's parents smoke. Second hand smoke is a serious health issue, but honestly, how often would your child be exposed? A couple times a month on return playdates? If you live in a city, this won't be nearly the major pollutant in his life.

However, I would think twice about sending him over to their house if they were across the street at the pub during their own child's birthday. That's a bit odd... I guess I'd want to know what was going on there before I sent my DC over for a playdate.

SuePurblybilt · 19/10/2010 22:50

True enough Framey though I thought she knew they smoked in the car with her son in?

She'll never know unless she brings it up I guess, which could be worse for the boys, so I'd just go with inviting their child to yours and not rocking the boat. Or waiting until you can make friends with the mother enough to sound out the real situation.