To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

[MooMooFarm]

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

As a child there were regular visitors to our house who smoked - heavily. Our parents didn't, but never asked guests not to (it was the 60s/70s, more accepted then). I always disliked it, grew up avoiding smokey atmospheres then ended up in a working environment where the rest room was a very foggy parlour - illegal now, but just the way it was then. Both Mil and Fil smoked but not around our kids. They both died of cancer and my DH blames the fags. Would much rather opt for smoke-free environment around kids, it's not fair to allow them to inhale smoke Don't allow smoking in our house.
It's a dilemma and I agree the kids are the innocent parties in it all. In your shoes, MooMoo, I would claim that DS is borderline asthmatic, has to be kept away from smoke at all costs for his own health and have the friend visit yours but not DS to his. Not ideal but I can't really think of anything better atm. Do feel for you. And especially your DS and his little mate.

But he hasn't breathed any has he?

Precious - that's the problem - I do want to know whats going on there before DS goes round there, so I would like to go over with my DS the first time. But what do I do if the house stinks of smoke and they light up in front of the children? Ask them to put it out? Get hold of DS and march out of there with him? It's their house so I can't tell them what to do (I do realise that!!).

She just said the child smelled of smoke. she hasn't seen the parents smoking in the car/house with children being exposed.

Oh, was that it? Still, a fairly safe bet that they smoke in the car with children if he smelt strongly. But it' true that getting the full picture might put your mind at rest Moo, perhaps they have one room to smoke in at home? It seems unlikely from what you say but it's possible.

In the end though, you have to do what you think is right for your child, whether it upsets people or not.

MooMoo - any chance you can bring up the subject of DS' 'asthma concern' in the schoolyard in the first instance? 'Last time DS got a cold he got so wheezy, got me very worried' etc and see what reaction you get?
If you generally see the friend's parents with a cigarette in their hands then it's logical to assume that the smoking habit is heavy - so odds on that they likely DO smoke in the car and indoors. IME.

Can you ask your son if they smoked while he was in the car? I wouldn't let my children be in a house/car while someone smoked and I would consider the smoking parents to be very selfish if they did that. They are children after all and obviously should not be directly exposed to fag smoke. If my child decided to hang round smokers when they are old enough to make decisions for themselves - then fair enough. In the mean time it's the parents that have to make decisions and think about whats best in any given situation.

When you visit and if they smoke, ignore that and try to see what common ground you do have. That's the important thing in which you base and forge a friendship and future play dates for your DC. The smoking issue may be something you could live with, giving your DC will only spend short periods of time there. If you don't feel comfortable, then it's not just about the smoking issue. Just to confuse things, we once accepted an invitation for our DC to go to a N/S repectable looking home, we had met the mother on a few occasions, all very plausible, and later on we were horribly worried as to what he could have seen.

They may not smoke in the same room as the child. This a post from an old thread about smoking.

"My next door neighbour smokes, Every morning they light a cigg as soon as tey get up. And I know straight away they're smoking because my chest tightens up immediately, and i can smell the fumes. This is when they are smoking in their house"

I would quite like it if smoking was banned full stop!

You are being completely reasonable if you think that it's ok to punish a child for the actions of his parents and that I am within my rights to stop my DS being friends with your DS because I choose not to drive (you know the fumes, the high injury/mortality rate of kid vs car encounter/ the high level of environmental/social impact of car ownership on communities.

Also they may even smoke outside.

BellasFormerFriend has already said they only smoke outside and "others who do not smoke at all have told me they can smell my smoke smell in their houses." Can they only smell it whilst you are there BFF or after you have gone as well?

How about arranging play dates in a mutual area like bowling, ice skating, cinema, arcade, soft play, park, swimming etc.

If someone feels their house smells of smoke after a child who's parents smoke has left the house, then I would suggest they are exceptionally sensitive to the smell. I work with a couple of very heavy smokers (who smoke in their homes & cars) and I can smell them when they're in the office, but not when they've left.

If you are that sensitive to the smell, I would also suggest that simply because they smell of smoke and their kids do, you can't really judge whether they smoke in the house / car or not. It could just be their clothing - if they smoke outside, they'd usually be wearing their coats, which would then smell a bit. Maybe they smoke in the porch or utility room, where the family coats and bags etc are kept? Maybe they smoke in the car when the kids aren't in it, and not when they are?

I appreciate why you find it so difficult, but as it clearly concerns you so deeply, I think you need to man up and talk to them about it, really, for the sake of your son's freidnship.

I smoke a bit - outside. The other parents I know who smoke wouldn't dream of smoking around their kids or in the house.

Since the ban, smokers tend to be far more considerate IME.

After I have left nappyaddict, as i said i specifically asked them about it after i had noticed it myself with another friend. Keep in mind I only smoke outside and this was a conversation over a few weeks in the summer when they had windows/doors open all the time so it must have been fairly strong.

I would say that it is quite possible that a non-smoker could smell the smoke on a child after they had been in a car (very concentrated space) even if the parents never smoked in the car when the dc were in it - but it would depend on how sensitive you are to the smell, I know I am very sensitive to it but other things (like horses and dogs ) I don't notice at all!

BFF did you smoke outside their house at all? Was just thinking maybe the smell could have got in through the windows/doors?

'asthma concern'. So a downright lie that your dc will have to follow through until whenever, is ok it is?

Nice.

Hope you afford your dc the same leeway when he lies to you about sneaking a fag.

yep. shock news. smoking smells. why all the kindly advice?

You can smell smoke in a room even if the smoker is not there. My best friend smokes heavily (absolutely never inside though, she always goes out) and her place smells of smoke even if she is not inside at the time. I smoke a bit (maybe a couple of cigarettes a week, only seems to happen when I'm a bit tipsy!) but I always notice the smell after. It sticks really strongly.

OP: Just ask the parents to please not smoke around your child. Simple. For all you know they might not smoke around the children anyway because from what you've said I am really not convinced that they were definitely smoking in the car.

YANBU to not want your DS in smokey environments, who would want them there?!

However if your DS and this boy have made friends it would be a shame to stop them, they are children...Adults shouldn't interfere in their little ones friendships (unless there were serious reasons obviously)
Let kids be kids...let them be friends.

Can you arrange playdates at other places? Does it have to be eachothers houses?

Anyone got a light?

NA, no as I know they don't smoke! It really wasn't anything like that as we turned it into a bit of an experiment! Obviously it lasted longer if I had smoked before going to theres but it was usually about an hour later that they said they could still smell it if they walked into the room I had been in. It was stronger if they were in the room with me then left and went back some time later. I guess they acclimatised to it if they stayed in the room.

It is not only these friends that have said the same thing when asked but they are the ones who had the most fun () with it!

Playdates are a flippin' minefield. Try to arrange a little reconnaissance by dropping him round for the playdate (as opposed to a parent picking them both up from school) and then stay for a cup of tea/beer/fag . If you like them and think the house seems a good environment, you might mind less about the smoke. If not, you probably don't want your kid around there regardless. And if she nips across to the pub for quick pint while you mind the kids, then you've really got your answer.

But DO NOT frogmarch your child out of their home if they light up. It really does take more than that to bring on the lung cancer...

BFF So even if you hadn't smoked before going to theirs they could still smell it an hour later? I find that quite interesting.

It further supports my thinking that I would like any partner of mine to try and quit smoking before we had a baby.

Unless he only smoked after the baby had gone to bed at night, if he were to smoke outside the house, techincally to avoid the baby being around anyone smokey he couldn't go near it for an hour.

I am a heavy smoker but would never smoke in the house or car, in front of my children or around other children. A play date is a few hours at most and that is not an unreasonable amount of time to ask someone not to smoke for. YANBU

nina09 Out of interest where do you smoke at home when your children are awake? Do you go into the garden?