To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

[MooMooFarm]

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

Framey that's just not true. Whether you can put a direct link to cot death I don't know, but it proven to be damaging to children of all ages.

www.ash.org.uk/files/documents/ASH_130.pdf

smokefree.nhs.uk/why-go-smokefree/secondhand-smoke/?WT.mc_id=search?&gclid=CK_rj6Du4aQCFRr92AodLwmKLQ

YES SMOKING that is inhaling fumes is damaging to children of all ages, of course it is.
But show me where it says the smells or odours of smoke such as those left on clothes are damaging to school aged children?

But surely the smell of smoke comes from the chemicals in tobacco, if you can smell them, then said chemicals must be entering your body through the nose?

You can't stop him from being friends with kids whose parents smoke, but I completely agree that I wouldn't want DS going to a house where the parents smoked around the kids. He is borderline asthma, and even if he wasn't, I still think it's a disgusting thing to do. I don't know that many parents yet who do smoke, but those who do, do it outside. And the idea of a child stinking of smoke is just gross.

But I think I would find the balls to say it, rather than stop him being friends with someone he likes. Say he's asthmatic if it makes it easier.

Well she can't do much when he's a teen obviously but she can now.
If the friendship develops into a good one then her child could be there once or twice a week, for a full day, for sleepovers etc. If the family are heavy smokers who smoke in the house and car then that's a lot of exposure. Would be way too much for me.

I don't think keeping your kids safe from things that damage their health is precious. Completely different conversation from him being a teenager. Surely the image of smoking that you lay down now will affect what he thinks as a adolescent. I grew up with a smoking family, and no bloody accident that I smoked for about 18 years either.

And yes if you can smell smoke, there are chemicals lingering. Just google second hand smoke - there is reams of research to show that kids get all kinds of things when just one parent smokes. I think it's a little bit naive to think you're NOT affecting your children.

My DD went to a birthday party yeeeaaars ago.

She came back stinking of fags. Really reeked. It was disgusting.

Just adding my little anecdote

My DD went to a friends in Yr1 and came home saying "it smelt horrible there" as the Gran who lived with the family smoked like a chimney.

The girls stuck to friends bedroom & garden though, so found a work-around themselves.

a child's bronchial tubes are smaller and their immune systems are less developed making them more susceptible to the harmful effects of passive smoking. Because their airways are smaller, children breathe faster than adults and, consequently, they actually breathe in comparatively more of the harmful chemicals in the smoke, based on their body weight, than adults do.

This is why when a young person is in their teens the passive smoking is not as consequential, though passive smoking can and has killed adults.

You can not pick your dc friends but having concerns over the friends parents habits is justified even if you do nothing but encourage the freindship at your own home and not encourage your dc to visit the other home as frequently as they may wish.

Darcymum, yes just like when you smell a fart the molecules of poo are entering your body through your nose.
It's about the quantities of said molecules though isn't it?

framey - unfortunately you are mistaken the toxins that linger in the forms of smells are still considered dangerous and classes I think a third hand.

Advise in the UK is if carrying a baby after smoking, I only saw this in an article on a poster at the pg's walk in clinic recently.

I gave up smoking when I was trying to conceive DS1 8 years ago. I was MIGHTILY offended when my exH father held him and gave him back smelling of smoke at just six weeks old. I said he couldn't hold him any more. You might say PFB but I would still do the same.

I am now pregnant with DC2 and DP's mother smokes. Heavily. I have told DP that I won't go in her house and that she can't hold him unless she has changed her clothes and showered. Shout PSB, but I'm not ashamed. I gave up smoking, and I loved it. I didn't do that for someone else to undo all my hard work and I make no apologies.

I'm with you OP, I would say that I was uncomfortable with him in her house, but that her child was more than welcome to come o mine.

YANBU to not want your son in a smokers house. YABU to stop your son being the childs friend though, they can be friends at school without the playdates if need be.

YABU and OTT. You are likely to damage your child's friendships if you show your disapproval too.

What's wrong with disapproving of smoking BGhoul?? I would say that the majority of parents DO disapprove of people smoking round their kids.

So parents shouldn't disapprove of things that are blatantly bad for children just incase they damage a friendship? I think that I could manage it in a way that didn't suggest there was anything wrong with the little friend.

No-one I know who who smokes ever has one in the house.

Everyone I know (including me on occasion - am a social smoker) smokes guiltily in the back garden when the kids have gone to bed.

Wow I'm a bit staggered by the response to my q - I've never been so popular .

I don't really want to 'stop' the friendship, as I said before, I am just worried about how to handle the problem of the parents smoking. It's good to see that many of you don't think I'm being over the top, anyway. and TBH it amazes me that nowadays with all the evidence on passive smoking, that some people still don't seem to think it's a problem....

But anyway, thanks for all the responses. I think I will go with the suggestions of 'tactfully' suggesting they play at my house, or at a playcentre or something, and if all else fails I can do the cowardly thing and lie about allergies or something...

YANBU

Our elderly neighbour smokes like a chimney and so does her son. The son's daughter visits all weekend and is the same age as my daughter.

She's a sweet little girl and the kids talk over the fence but sadly I think it's inviting trouble to ask her round to play because there's no way on God's earth my DD is going round there in return. I know it would cause a scene when we said no, but it's our absolute right to say no because we're her parents.

DD knows she's not allowed to go round there because of the cigarettes. She accepts it and has lots of other local friends. I do think it's such a shame for the little grand daughter though - she comes every weekend and has nobody to play with.

Sadly, the problem is being caused by cigarette smoking. Smokers won't agree, but at the end of the day, the smoking is their behaviour and not mine.

Nothing is wrong of being disapproving of smoking - I hate smoking. BUT I would never refuse to let my child see a friend because of their parent smoking and to suggest that the whole house stank because friend came round seems a tad hysterical and OTT to me.

Then again, my mum smoked (still does, I'm afraid) - so I am clearly a product of extremely bad parenting, according to the OP.

OP said that smoking around kids is bad parenting not 'smoking'. I wouldn't want my DS anywhere where people smoked indoors, think I'd have to ask if it was me. I have friends who smoke but always outside. I wouldn't try to stop them being friends though.

Dolphin, I'm part way down this thread at your post - wondering what FC stands for. Thanks!

We have this dilemna with DD - her best friends Mum smokes and we could smell it on DD when she came home from their house (has only been once which is when we found out) and can smell it on the friend when she comes round.

DD is asthmatic - generally its pretty well controlled, but am I being OTT to stop her going round there - I think not, DH (who is asthmatic and grew up in a smoking house) thinks its ok

I smoke, ds is at school and all parents of his friends are told that I smoke, their choice if they send their kids.