To not want my son to be friends with a classmate who's parents smoke

[MooMooFarm]

DS has recently made a new friend at infant school. I chatted to the mum in the playground; she was ok but I noticed straight away she smelt very strongly of cigarettes - she & the boy's dad take turns doing the school run and both of them always have a butt end in their hand (no exaggeration). DS invited the boy to his birthday party at a play centre, the mum & dad spent the whole time outside a pub opposite, pints in one hand, fags in the other.

The mum suggested they got together for a play date, so I invited her son (& her) to ours after school. DS wanted to travel in their car so he did, following my car. By the time they got to mine DS smelt of smoke too, so I can only assume she smokes in the car. She left her son at ours & collected him later, but honestly, just her son being in the house made our house stink of cigarettes.

Anyway so now she has asked when DS would like to go to hers, and I don't want him to. I am assuming because her son smells of smoke too, that they must smoke around him, in the car, in the house, whatever. I don't want DS to go there, because I don't have the balls to say 'yes but can you not smoke around my son please?'. I just want him to make a different friend.

Yes I am paranoid probably, but none of my family/friends smoke, and frankly I think it's a disgusting thing to do around children, and makes me wonder about somebody's parenting abilities in general TBH.

Sorry this is so long...

No, I have done now for the night, tend to stop after about 8pm...I also don't usually start till about lunchtime come to think of it I am a pretty rubbish smoker

{grin] ivykaty44 sorry my foster child.

YANBU at all! The health issues are bad enough but the smell just makes me gag and I wouldn't want any of my 3 either in their car or at their house if I knew they smoked in the house.

Incidently, if the OP posted that she didn't want her DS going around to a friend's house because his mother liked to walk around topless, everyone would say that was perfectly reasonable. Even though it's only boobs and he'll be around them sooner or later.

Yet I'd chose the topless mummy over the smelly carcinogenic one any day!

YADNBU

I was that child at school.

Can you imagine "AIBU to think that I don't have any mates at school because my parents smoke?"

I hope your son uses a better criterion to choose his friends than whether their parents smoke. My parents smoked, my mother used to do most of her smoking next to the clothes airer (thanks mum) so I reeked. My stepdad was an alcoholic too, it's a wonder I made any friends at all.

And we didn't eat organic either.

my dd has a friend whose family fry food with every meal....that smell sticks,then they smoke too,so the smoky smell sticks to the fried smell.....but dd is 14,cant prevent it,she's her best friend!

No, I agree you shouldn't stop the friendship or put any ideas into your Ds's head that might give rise to mild bullying of this other child. It is in no way the child's fault.

Yabvu to penalise your son and his friend because the parent is a smoker.

People whose parents smoke are not untouchables. Tbh not keeping your child clear of headlice is far more antisocial imo

YANBU unless you have been to their home for coffee, chat, whatever, on enough occasions to satisfy yourself that it's a fit environment for you to leave your child. They may be very caring and observant and good with play or not. Otherwise go out of your way to avoid the association, make excuses, other arrangements and do not feel guilty about doing so. Go with your instincts.

Stupid reason to stop your child being mates with another.

Bloody carcinogen police. Feck off. Life is a tapestry. You obviously have no faith in your child to make his own mind up when he is older.

God 'elp him when he discovers cocaine.

I know just how you feel. The other day, dd came trotting out with a girl whose parents are stupid. I hate stupid people. They go around, saying stupid things (ffs, why?) and I know it's going to end up lowering her IQ just by contact.

Break that friendship. Invite the child over, and disembowle your child's favourite toy. Tell her it was the other child that did it.

You know it's the right thing.

stupid people.

I don't mind blindly ignorant. but deliberately stupid?? grrrr

Chatelaine writes: "coffee, chat, whatever, on enough occasions to satisfy yourself that it's a fit environment for you to leave your child."

fark, this would take me a bloody lifetime. ds would be at least 45 before I had satisfied such criteria.

I must be a complete fucking loser as a parent

" 20% of aduls smoke in the UK, he's bound to have friends with parents who smoke."

They're not exactly homogeneously distributed though, are they?

So this poor boy should have no friends because his parents smoke?

I'd be more worried by parents using the term playdate myself.

That's great psycholgy, animula. I am filing that one away for the next time DS speaks kindly to a child whose parents play GTA, drive a 4x4, buy non-fairtrade pineapples and / or own a dog which may be carrying taxoplasmosis and spreading brain disease.

YANBU

I do think you should politely request that they do no smoke around your DS.

How many of the smokers here, smoke around their DCs or their DCs friends?

'Life is a tapestry'

-Yes, but for some the tapestry is a nasty yellow colour, stinks and is statistically more likely to be involved in a house fire and die young.

Absolutely right pinkjello.

No, for some the tapestry is just so not that

Angry pissed off people hate smokers.

im not suprised you could smell smoke so well,your nose is so much in the air it would catch the smell of anything

runs and peeps round corner

Lyn, I don't but i do think I am in the minority. I have only met one other person who does this.

theywillgrowup I should be offended but you made me larrrrf.