to be bored with myself and to want to become a Jilly Cooper character for the winter?

[BalloonSlayer]

I want to sit in front of a fire of apple logs, wearing only a Dark Blue towel.

I want a rosy-cheeked face which I have to tone down with green foundation, instead of looking like a corpse unless I put on loads of blusher.

I want to drink three quarters of a bottle of Moet before doing ANYTHING. (Including: getting up in the morning or taking an important exam.)

I want an Absolutely Filthy Mini instead of a people carrier.

I want DH to do thumb exercises so that the ball of his thumb becomes pudgy because apparently that's sexy or something .

I want to lose loads and loads of weight every time I am a bit sad about something, so that everyone who thought I was a minger before is suddenly struck by my beauty, instead of eating cakes to cheer myself up and getting fatter.

AIBU?

Hope you haven't forgotten to rub it into your thighs (wtf?)

I always liked Malise actually, that firm, martinet style. Rather stern in bed you'd hope although not in a Rannaldini perverted way.

So shall we start a Jilly web chat campaign then?

You also have to spray 'scent' all over your 'bush'. For bonus JC points, this should be done in full view of your lover's wife's friend in a loo, hoiking up your sensible navy skirt to reveal suspenders and no pants.

Oh, and it should also be splashed liberally down the 'Rift valley' of your cleavage, natch.

Oooh WWW hello! I haven't seen you for an AGE. How are you?

And yes had forgotten about the unspeakable tercel shirt. Common as muck. As muck!

ShirleyGarrote, I want you, and so does Billy Lloyd-Foxe.

ps wtf is tercel?? I have always papered over my mystification with a mental image of something white and sort of shiny

I love Archie Baddingham washing up till his hands are raw so that he can take Caitlin to dinner afterwards in Bas's restaurant. Such a sweetie.

We really do HAVE to have HRH Jilly on here for a webchat, how do we sort this out?

Erm, a begging letter on "site stuff"?

i bought fracas to be wildly sexy a la cameron cooke

Oh god I love Jilly Cooper. I actually really thought there was a county called Rutshire for a long time and was upset there wasn't :) I also had a huge argument with my husband because I wanted to name our dog Visitor. Am I the only one who imagines Anthea Belvedon as Anthea Turner?

But really, I want to live in a Jilly Cooper novel too... I want to tend to my agapanthus and then wash my hair to get the garden out my nails. Then I'll slosh myself a few glasses of the Pouilly Fume I bought with my last 20 pound note. I'll be so drunk I'll shave my bush before giving what's left a liberal spray of Je Reviens. Then I'll get mugged up by my friends for spending endless hours thinking about the faint-making RCB with my greyhound draped over my lap and sofa.

Shirley, that would work better if you'd drenched yourself in the stuff, and were therefore reeking of it.

Does anyone except me wonder if there's anyone in Jillyworld with allergies/asthma? All those women reeking of perfume all the time.

I have naturally full, pouty ("sulky") lips. Does this mean I am allowed to throw horrendous tantrums whilst incredibly drunk and various older men will call me angel and look after me?

She also loves heroines with 'big drooping lips' too doesn't she - I can never quite imagine this..

Ten Things Jilly wants us to believe

1. Alcohol is the answer

1. It is better to be common and mocked for your lower-class accent, than to be mocked for trying to speak in a more high-class accent

1. Losing weight will make you look GORGEOUS, and not just a slightly thinner version of the minger you always were

1. If you can't afford a Ferrari or Porsche, you must have an extremely tatty car which shows how not-caring-about-cars you are. A well-looked-after Mondeo or Picasso is a social gaffe beyond belief.

1. The correct spelling of affair is affaire.

1. It is perfectly acceptable for a well-bred young woman to earn a living cooking for other people. Cleaning for other people, on the other hand, is a job for working class older women who must have their malapropisms aired for the world's amusement, lest they dare to think one of their daughters might suit your son.

1. Women who dote on, and even breastfeed, their babies are a bit peculiar and self-indulgent should be shunned by polite society.

1. Feminists, Left-wingers and Vegetarians - see 7

1. Dogs and horses don't love you because you feed them. They love you because they are every but as intelligent as humans and they have carried out a complete character analysis of you and have made the rational decision that you are wonderful.

10. All it takes for a cruel, unpleasant, arrogant, violent, sexually incontinent man to turn into a normal likeable human being is meeting and marrying a vulnerable, inexperienced, doormat twenty years his junior who loves him unconditionally and forgives him every time he screws up.

I want to be the kind of JC heroine that has a deseperate Cinderella moment, turning up to the party late and in an unexpectedly ravishing dress, which I've borrowed at the last minute from Centurion's wardrobe department, with nerves that can only be checked with a bottle of Krug, which is immediately provided by good-natured flirtatious twins. My heart will hammer as I am roughly removed from the party by , whose jaw muscle is flexing as he drives me home at 140mph in silence, overwhelmed by desire, only for me to despair as he does not ravish me but restrains himself with great difficulty. I will wake with a massive hangover, be comforted by my lurcher, and eventually get my man after he returns, stricken, from the holiday he has gone on, unsuccessfully, to forget me.

Because, after all, man cannot live by bread alone. He needs crumpet.

And bread and onions

I have been thinking, I still definitely want to be Taggie. Desperately. I want to be whippet thin, as slender as a young willow, with a cloud of hair and long, coltish legs and plump, soft, pillow-like lips and breasts.

gah:(

Most of all I would like to be married to RCB and ravised expertly every night, and not have to worry about grazing for my beloved horse because I live in a great big fuck-off mansion and own half of Rutshire.

BallonSlayer All those things are true. Particularly 7, 8 and 10.

I am blaming this thread entirely for the fact that I am lugging a hardback around and my poor pregnant ligaments are protesting utterly.

just

Buy it a little skateboard perfect and pull it along with a bit of rope

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE EVER MUMSNET THREAD

Excellent plan, DSB. Or perhaps I need an attractively rakish man to follow me around London? He can gather up all the possessions that I accidentally scatter around in a dreamy, artistic way.

I do actually blame my early immersion in JC for the fact that I drink too much and can err on the side of showing a bit too much cleavage as I made a conscious decision at the age of 14 that I didn't ever want to be catsbumface boring and pour small measures or pass up an excuse to open a bottle. I also utterly idolised Janey Lloyd-Foxe, who always had her shirt buttoned too low and flirted shamelessly.

JC has genuinely had a very strong and lasting influence on my life. Some might say not an entirely wholesome one.

Orlando - me too . As a teenager I was always mixing myself vodka tonics and smoking up the chimney. I also did a lot of hair-flicking and wore black tights with holes in.

And I still occasionally wish DH was posh.

(Then I remember some of the genuinely posh people I have met and am profoundly grateful )

(And I get v annoyed when PILs call me posh. I am not, as they would know if they had read JC. What I am is posh relative to them.)

i never got the jake thing but loved the gypsy jake chatter....i suppose it was because he was short

ditto wanted declan's son not declan

really liked red and luke and the twins

to be fair, all the naughty or haughty

i loved all the slutty (in terms of house cleanliness) women
all the tantruming
oh, and those with yoyo knickers!

ok
true shameful secret

i tried really hard to call one of my daughters Agatha so that I could call her Taggie

dh resisted but he never knew the real reason behind it!

(to a lesser extent Francesca for Chessie)

I wanted to call one of mine Perdita for the same reason