to be bored with myself and to want to become a Jilly Cooper character for the winter?

[BalloonSlayer]

I want to sit in front of a fire of apple logs, wearing only a Dark Blue towel.

I want a rosy-cheeked face which I have to tone down with green foundation, instead of looking like a corpse unless I put on loads of blusher.

I want to drink three quarters of a bottle of Moet before doing ANYTHING. (Including: getting up in the morning or taking an important exam.)

I want an Absolutely Filthy Mini instead of a people carrier.

I want DH to do thumb exercises so that the ball of his thumb becomes pudgy because apparently that's sexy or something .

I want to lose loads and loads of weight every time I am a bit sad about something, so that everyone who thought I was a minger before is suddenly struck by my beauty, instead of eating cakes to cheer myself up and getting fatter.

AIBU?

Oh, this is like lovely therapy! Once, in an argument, I actually harrangued dh about the fact that he never grabs me from behind when I'm cooking tells me how sexy I am.

He was utterly bewildered.

Getorf: I almost did my finals dissertation on JC and Austen. Got talked down in the end. Would have been better if I'd insisted, and more fun.

BalloonSlayer, you speak with absolute wisdom. Especially number one.

Webchat request in

I forgot

No. 11

11. If you have a clean and tidy house, you are frigid and Your Husband Will Stray. Every plumped-up cushion = 50 shags you didn't give him, which he will get from someone disorganised who makes instant coffee using water from the hot tap.

also didn't the idea of men in breeches and boots always outdo the reality
i would love to have rcb and bas come to my door after a hard day riding
sigh
her hunt and showjumping ball descriptions were spot on ...red weatherbeaten faces with too tight taffeta (still dancing to Lady in Red)

My house is a mess, can I be a JC heroine?

Though I don't actually like dogs. But I can drink a lot of stiff gins.

Ooh Ronaldinhio I wonder if you live in the same area as me (East Midlands, market town beginning with L up a big hill)? If so I am going to talk loudly at the Hunt Ball about Greggs and fruit shoots and see if you recognise me

I also reported the 'can we have Jilly in for a webchat' post and in the 'why are you reporting this post' box just went pleeeeeeeeeeease

I've emailed MNHQ

Jilly should do a problem page a bit like the Ozzy Osbourne one in the Times magazine on Sunday.

Dear Jilly
My husband keeps criticising me for not keeping the house tidy and spending all his money on gin. He never seems to be here and says he is working hard to pay off the overdraft I ran up. What should I do?
Yours, Distressed

Dear Distressed
Oh dear, it looks like he is having an affaire and will soon be leaving you and your overdraft alone together. I wouldn't worry . . . any man who can't stand a bit of a muddle at home must be a ghastly bore in bed. Either his mistress will soon send him back to you, or you will find a real man who appreciates a woman who lives in chaos to be the free-spirited sex-kitten they all crave.

Buck up now and pour yourself a large one
Jilly x
PS What's your landlord like?

• sorry, Ozzy is on Saturday, Mrs Mills is on Sunday

I am a chaos ridden free spirited sex kitten then.

Now that would be worth the £2 a week subscription.

I am feeling Caitlin Moran withdrawal pangs actually, and thinking that really I can afford a subscription, I just don't want to have to pay for a website.

Ha ha MonkeyToo, yes, I think of Anthea Belvedon as looking like Anthea Turner and yes, I always remember the bit about "she had jsut washed her hair so her fingernails were clean" - weird the bits you remember, years later, isn't it?

I also remember Imogen (I think) being in the South of France and being TRANSFORMED by a great haircut. It was such an evocative description of the powers of good hairdressing!

ROAR at BalloonSlayer's list of things Jilly wants us to believe. And ha ha ha ha too at thereistheball's Cinderella moment. I always thought the young Paula Yates sounded like a Jilly heroine (although probably not posh enough really) because she followed Bob Geldof onto a plane in her ballgown, so determined was she to get the man.

Archie's hands were red raw from scrubbing mussels, nothing as low rent as washing up...

I love thereistheball's FLEXING JAW and the whole mute with desire thing.

So Jilly.

Though actually, my heart wouldn't be hammering but thumping wildly like a spaniel puppy's tail....

thereistheball you ^should have done your dissertation on Jane Auaten and Jilly Cooper. I have always believed that Jilly Cooper novels are the modern day Austens. They will be put away for 70 years or so and some academic will unearth them in 2085 and they will be hailed as the MASTERPIECES they are.

I love everybody on this thread as much as R C-B loves Badger.

Is Badger still around - the amazing 40-yr-old dog?

What do you mean by 'start off' (or should that be orf) hating Rupert Campbell-Black? I've only read Riders so far, and he's ghastly from every angle.

Please don't tell me I'm going to learn to like him? That doesn't seem right. I don't want to like him -he's a knob. I like Billy.

He's marvellous from the doing it on the bed with the antique mirror perched to show every angle of his tanned and toned body angle.

Getorf - I agree. At the time I had lots of things to say about JC being the direct literary descendent of Austen, but I can't remember any of them now, except that heroines used to have to be kind to the poor to make the heroes fall in love with them, instead of to dogs.

Oh god, no, RCB is swoonsome in an 'I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself' kind of way.

Because he's stunningly good looking, great in bed, fuck off rich and doesn't give a fuck about much but when he does, he really does and pitches in lending helicopters and buying woods for more than they're worth (he paid £30k for Declan's wood to help him out iirc) and, and, and