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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was i right to let rip at this woman?

246 replies

mummysgoingmad · 23/09/2010 16:06

I went home at the weekend to see my mum. We went to see a family friend, she's very opinionated which is fine i suppose.

Anyway ds (22 months) was running about with his dummy in his mouth which i give him through the day when he's teething, I'd rather him bite his dummy than bite me Grin i was talking about my concerns that ds still isn't talking, pointing or waving. This woman said "well he wont talk if he has his dummy in his mouth all the time" To which i replied he doesn't have his dummy all the time just when he's teething and when he goes to bed. She said "he has his dummy in his mouth all the time"

Now the last time i saw this woman was in may and yes ds did have his dummy then as he was sleeping. I kind of lost it a bit and said how would you know i barely see you, you have seen him twice with his dummy in his mouth and you assume he has it all the time, well your wrong. She then started rattling on about how i'm not strict enough and i should start to think about disaplining him i.e smacking!! ds wasnt even doing anything wrong at the time, he was running up up and down the hallway. This is when i exploded and said yeh that really worked for you considering 3 out of your 5 children dont even speak to you, 1 of said children says your dead to him. My final comment was your not a mother your a dictator and i walked out with ds. When i was little i remember being scared of this woman as she is very intimidating and liked to shout at children for little or no reason (still does)

Now i'm staring to feel a bit guilty about what i said, should i feel guilty or was i right about what i said?

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 23/09/2010 16:10

um yes, you did go too far. am afraid if your child does have any sort of ongoing language problem you will have to learn to grit your teeth (then bitch on here) about all the other gems of unwanted parenting advice people will "helpfully" give. as parent to a child with a language delay I do sympathise, as you do feel upset at any sort of implied criticism of your parenting.

btw am sure if you want to talk about any concerns on the SN board you would be more than welcome.

ppeatfruit · 23/09/2010 16:10

YOU're very brave and no YANBU !!

slimmingworldmum · 23/09/2010 16:11

This reply has been deleted

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zipzap · 23/09/2010 16:12

Probably a bit OTT but I bet that most of us in the same situation would have loved to have let rip like this and to have been as eloquent and to the point as you were. Grin

And I am betting that if the woman's kids get to hear what you said to her, I bet they would have applauded you.

Sounds like something that somebody should have told her a long time ago.

So maybe not so OTT after all - spot on right. Well done.

Only person maybe that you need to say something to is your mum - don't know if she was there with you? but only along the lines of 'I didn't mean to embarass you but it needed to be said'

chandellina · 23/09/2010 16:12

YABU and totally overreacted. This is an old friend of the family, around the same age as your mother I assume? Have some respect.

Plumm · 23/09/2010 16:15

YANBU. As you said she's only seen your DS twice recently so has no idea what he does day to day.

For the record DD wasn't talking much as that age either, but has a fantastic vocabulary now (she's four).

zookeeper · 23/09/2010 16:15

YABU. Really nasty in fact

OrmRenewed · 23/09/2010 16:18

Fuck me not surprised you feel guilty Shock

SixtyFootDoll · 23/09/2010 16:18

YABU and nasty, she was wrong to sya what she did but you response was dreadful, bringing up her family business like that.

BornToFolk · 23/09/2010 16:18

YABU - that was way over the top! Why couldn't you just have politely explained that it may appear that he has his dummy a lot but he doesn't really. Or just ignored her. Yes, it was none of her business but calling her relationships with her own children into it was below the belt.

BunnyLebowski · 23/09/2010 16:19

You sound charming Hmm.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 23/09/2010 16:19

YABU. She was offering a minor parenting criticism, you gave her a character assassination.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 23/09/2010 16:19

yes she is an old friend, but you cant assume things about anothers parenting can you? She is the kind of person that would have said a lot worse if she was put in my position, she has a stinking bad temper which either gets taken out on the nearest child or her dh. I thought i'm not having this, she may be able to speak to her own children and family this way but i'm not her child or a family member.

Its the dictator part that i thought was probably a bit OTT.

my mum came out after 10 mins and said what happened there? I said i'm not having someone assume things about my style of parenting and when i tell her she's wrong she still argues with me. My mum didn't answer.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 23/09/2010 16:21

Did you let rip because she maybe hit a nerve ??? Does he have his dummy in longer than you realise .. You were talking about your concerns re his development and she gave an opinion you didn't like so yes YABU and you did over-react.

zookeeper · 23/09/2010 16:21

and you're not making assumptions about her parenting? [hmmm]

withorwithoutyou · 23/09/2010 16:21

You were vile.

She was being annoying and speaking out of turn but you brought family feuds with her own children into it and it was just vicious.

At least what she said could be viewed as an attempt to help - you were just plain vicious.

I think you should apologise.

withorwithoutyou · 23/09/2010 16:24

Have you tried anbesol for teething btw? It's very good and might negate the need for the dummy which may, in turn, help his speech.

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/09/2010 16:24

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VinegarTits · 23/09/2010 16:25

blimey you were a bit nasty to her

ok it none of her business if you give your child a dummy but she did have a point, teething is not an excuse, buy a teething toy. i would have just said thanks for the advice and left it at that! or maybe you let loose becase she hit a nerve?

minibmw2010 · 23/09/2010 16:25

By the way, my nephew turned 3 in July and he has only just started to speak, although he was always very good at pointing and he could indicate well enough without speaking so we knew what he wanted, etc. I think development is different all over the board, plus your DC is only 22 months, still very young.

StripeyMoon · 23/09/2010 16:26

Blimey, seems a bit of an over reaction to me.

madonnawhore · 23/09/2010 16:27

Totally out of order.

I bet it was fun though!

Sparklyblue · 23/09/2010 16:27

So some people on here think she is BU as the woman is older & to have some respect.
Give me a break! You have to earn respect no matter how old you are. She was a grumpy, rude cow.
Op YANBU!!

usualsuspect · 23/09/2010 16:28

YABU and nasty .. you should have said yeah yeah, and then bitched about her to your mum afterwards

Lizzylou · 23/09/2010 16:28

Yabu

I can see why you were upset, she was interfering, but you were very out of order and unnecessarily cruel.

FWIW, at 22mths my DS1 didn't speak much at all(never had a dummy either).
He is 6 now and never shuts up (and hasn't for years).