or was i right to let rip at this woman?

[mummysgoingmad]

I went home at the weekend to see my mum. We went to see a family friend, she's very opinionated which is fine i suppose.

Anyway ds (22 months) was running about with his dummy in his mouth which i give him through the day when he's teething, I'd rather him bite his dummy than bite me i was talking about my concerns that ds still isn't talking, pointing or waving. This woman said "well he wont talk if he has his dummy in his mouth all the time" To which i replied he doesn't have his dummy all the time just when he's teething and when he goes to bed. She said "he has his dummy in his mouth all the time"

Now the last time i saw this woman was in may and yes ds did have his dummy then as he was sleeping. I kind of lost it a bit and said how would you know i barely see you, you have seen him twice with his dummy in his mouth and you assume he has it all the time, well your wrong. She then started rattling on about how i'm not strict enough and i should start to think about disaplining him i.e smacking!! ds wasnt even doing anything wrong at the time, he was running up up and down the hallway. This is when i exploded and said yeh that really worked for you considering 3 out of your 5 children dont even speak to you, 1 of said children says your dead to him. My final comment was your not a mother your a dictator and i walked out with ds. When i was little i remember being scared of this woman as she is very intimidating and liked to shout at children for little or no reason (still does)

Now i'm staring to feel a bit guilty about what i said, should i feel guilty or was i right about what i said?

I'm sorry you're so upset about your DS not speaking but I'm sure it will resolve itself.

You do need to learn to rise above the bollocks though - my DD didn't crawl til just before her first birthday and I had comments that she was too fat and too lazy to bother.

You just have to say (in your head!!!) twat. And move on.

Everyone thought I was over reacting. The abuse I had for god knows how long. It's horrendous. You have this fear that keeps you awake at night, and then on top of that everyone tells you that a) you're wrong and b) it's your fault because you're talking too much/too little/being too understanding/talking for him/using a dummy/anything else they come up with.

Follow your gut and believe in yourself. I was talked out of mine a lot and it wasted time. Hopefully it will all come together and if it does then sorting out referrals etc won't have done any harm at all.

My son took ages to talk, didn't think he ever would ( taught himself sign language and stopped bothering) but stood in front of me today and said "mummy i have been being obnoxious" i started to think, why was i so worried perhaps i shouldn't have taught him, as now he don't shut up lool. he will do it when he is ready xxx

actually sometimes they don't do it when they are ready.
Ds2 is nearly 14 and still has very major speech problems.
People used to say 'oh he will when he is ready' until we started speech and language therapy at three.
I wish I had incvestigated and got him help sooner but everyone just quoted Einstein and told me he would getthere eventually.

OP I am glad this thread has proven useful.
Do what Saintly says and follow your instincts

well is that not because he is not ready then? If he is not ready until he is 8, he cant be forced into it, or it just wont happen.

god incredible dont say that you'l have me sobbing again.

Why? it doesnt matter. honestly i know it seems a huge deal, people still cant understand ds. but stressing and upsetting yourself is not going to make a difference or make time go faster is all i am saying.iykwim.

no. If he is struggling with issues that are making speech difficult for him then he can get help and supportto overcome them.

Speech can be helped. Speech difficulties can be overcome or minimised. That is what speech and language therapists can help with , or other types of therapy.
DS2 had speech delay, oral dyspraxia and ASD.
If we had never helped him withthose things he would not be speaking at all today.
The therapy and help has given him enough speech to get by with people who know him - which is fantastic.

If I had taken the 'when he is ready' approach he would have no words at all

And with speech therapy and some othertherapies the EARLIER the therapy is started the betterthe result.

The very opposite of 'it won't make a difference'

No your missing my point, i am simply saying being upset wont cure anything, if he has oral dyspraxia, that is something to be worked on. But he will not be referred until he is at least 3 anyway. That is great you have got so far with your son. But if nothing is up, then it will come on its own. not before he is ready.

WRT signing. Good idea providing your ds is imitating (so you say 'do this' and clap/tap your head etc and he does for example). If he isn't imitating then energy can be expended elsewhere.

I agree with pag

My son is 11 and can't speak but he can communicate. He can communicate because we started early. Had we ignored it he wouldn't be communicating now and would presumably be a very angry boy. (he still gets cross when we don't understand him).

We could have started earlier. We eventually managed to teach ds1 to imitate when he was 8 (having started formal attempts at teaching imitation when he was 5). He has come on enormously since then in language, understanding and vocalisation. It's the biggest leap he has made and we are still seeing the benefits.

When he was 2 I very nearly signed up to a program that would have worked intensively on imitation. I didn't because I was talked out of it (it was expensive as well), but I do often wonder what his life would have been like if he'd learned to imitate aged 2. Very different I suspect.

Early intervention is key.

if a child goes through speech therapy and even an ASD assessment that ultimately proves unnecessary, it will do that child no harm whatsoever. It's not invasive, it's a case of various people showing the child pictures, seeing how they play and interact etc, getting them to draw a bit.

in some instances a referral before 3 is appropriate.

The fact that the OP's son needs a dummy, and bites and chews if not allowed it, might be connected with teething, but may also be a connected with his other issues - the result and NOT the cause of them. Some children (with ASD or oral dyspraxia or other sensory issues) need a lot of oral sensation and will seek it out by chewing, biting, sucking - and these things can go with not pointing etc. A dummy is a very kind thing for these children. I think some people on this thread have been hugely unkind to you. The name calling has been horrible. You are clearly very upset and concerned about your son, who must seem very vulnerable to you, and this woman sounds appalling - an abusive person. I would say you shouldn't have posted, but after all the ignorant criticism aimed at you, I am glad to see you have finally had some very good advice, and I hope it helps you and your little boy.

saintly that would would take months to achieve, it took me the best part of 6 months to get him to clap his hand and even now he doesnt do it proplerly, it's like he's dusting something off his hands IYSWIM, but at least he does it when i say clappa handies.
I know sobbing isn't the answer but it's upsetting watching other children half his age begin to talk and do things he is no where near achieving, i know i shouldn't compare him to other children but it's hard not to sometimes.
Cold i knew what i was in for when i posted on ambu, so the name calling wasnt a shock and i have thick skin (thank god!) some people are just naturally nasty.

To be fair, it is difficult to spot there might be an SN problem unless you are the parent of a child who has SN or work in the field.

The OP was about reacting in an OTT way to a cutting remark and that's what people responded to unsurprisingly.

some people are nasty but not quite as nasty as you were to the old lady op. I think you got as good as you gave out.

Mummy - if he can clap to command that'd good. Does he clap in imitation, so because you clap or to copy you.

How do you teach him things? I had to teach ds1 everything hand over hand (eg to teach him to drink from a sippy cup himself when he was 18 months I had to stand behind him and hold his hands to pick up the cup abd tip). After a week to 10 days he got it. I had no idea this wasn't something that you has to do usually. When ds2 picked up a cup and just drank from it I almost passed out. I has no idea children did that.

I used to get a lot of 'you're babying him just let him do it'. Er no. I wasn't babying him - he couldn't just do it because he couldn't imitate so he couldn't learn by watching and copying.

There are lots of ways to help try and teach imitation. Eg 'do this' then put a toy in a shoe box / clap hands /do something else that can be physically prompted. You then physically move the child through the same actions then reward (eg with a tiny piece of choc) then repeat. You can also try copying them or copying them in front of a mirror.

I thought ds1 would never learn to imitate but he did. Yes 8 is late but it's made an enormous difference to his language, attempts to speak (you can't speak if you can't imitate), sign (yay he can no's sort of sign), activities - he goes horse riding, swimming, surfing, has been on zip wires, climbing. All much more accessible because he can imitate.

If your son learns by you showing him how to do things he is imitating which is a great sign. If you don't think he's imitating and you find you have tobteach everything hand over hand you can use that to push for a referral.

Mummy - if he can clap to command that'd good. Does he clap in imitation, so because you clap or to copy you.

How do you teach him things? I had to teach ds1 everything hand over hand (eg to teach him to drink from a sippy cup himself when he was 18 months I had to stand behind him and hold his hands to pick up the cup abd tip). After a week to 10 days he got it. I had no idea this wasn't something that you has to do usually. When ds2 picked up a cup and just drank from it I almost passed out. I has no idea children did that.

I used to get a lot of 'you're babying him just let him do it'. Er no. I wasn't babying him - he couldn't just do it because he couldn't imitate so he couldn't learn by watching and copying.

There are lots of ways to help try and teach imitation. Eg 'do this' then put a toy in a shoe box / clap hands /do something else that can be physically prompted. You then physically move the child through the same actions then reward (eg with a tiny piece of choc) then repeat. You can also try copying them or copying them in front of a mirror.

I thought ds1 would never learn to imitate but he did. Yes 8 is late but it's made an enormous difference to his language, attempts to speak (you can't speak if you can't imitate), sign (yay he can no's sort of sign), activities - he goes horse riding, swimming, surfing, has been on zip wires, climbing. All much more accessible because he can imitate.

If your son learns by you showing him how to do things he is imitating which is a great sign. If you don't think he's imitating and you find you have tobteach everything hand over hand you can use that to push for a referral.

Whoops!

not read all replies because i am lazy. YANBU she interfered and commented that your parenting was inadequate by saying you should not let him have a dummy and that you should be smacking him? so why not let rip? She sounds like a complete bitch. fair enough she might think you are one now though but do you care?

Yes ladybiscuit - but when you have a child who doesn't develop quite typically you have to deal with a) the worry itself b) everyone around you being in collective denial so you're the big bad wolf and c) idiotic remarks from every tom dick and harry you meet.
Imagine the op was someone ttc and the woman had said 'you're not getting pregnant because you are working' or something ludicrous like that. Personally I wish I'd told more people to butt out - and I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Look how many people here have gone on about dummies when it's completely irrelevant to pointing and waving.

One of my children is 12 and has issues all his life so far. Speech and lang, word finding, etc etc. It is a constant worry I have had comments. I have never turned on anyone , ever, though. It is no excuse what- so- ever.

Well then you shouldn't be daft enough to suggest that dummies will make a difference to a child who isn't pointing or waving. Or suggest it's somehow the OP's fault her child isn't talking.

I'm sure you do MrsTurnip. Perhaps if the OP had been phrased a little differently (or not been posted in AIBU) she would have got a more sympathetic hearing. Anyway, I am glad she has posted because you will be able to advise her on how best to go forward.

My son didn't walk until he was nearly 2 - I was very worried but I wouldn't have posted about it in AIBU