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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was i right to let rip at this woman?

246 replies

mummysgoingmad · 23/09/2010 16:06

I went home at the weekend to see my mum. We went to see a family friend, she's very opinionated which is fine i suppose.

Anyway ds (22 months) was running about with his dummy in his mouth which i give him through the day when he's teething, I'd rather him bite his dummy than bite me Grin i was talking about my concerns that ds still isn't talking, pointing or waving. This woman said "well he wont talk if he has his dummy in his mouth all the time" To which i replied he doesn't have his dummy all the time just when he's teething and when he goes to bed. She said "he has his dummy in his mouth all the time"

Now the last time i saw this woman was in may and yes ds did have his dummy then as he was sleeping. I kind of lost it a bit and said how would you know i barely see you, you have seen him twice with his dummy in his mouth and you assume he has it all the time, well your wrong. She then started rattling on about how i'm not strict enough and i should start to think about disaplining him i.e smacking!! ds wasnt even doing anything wrong at the time, he was running up up and down the hallway. This is when i exploded and said yeh that really worked for you considering 3 out of your 5 children dont even speak to you, 1 of said children says your dead to him. My final comment was your not a mother your a dictator and i walked out with ds. When i was little i remember being scared of this woman as she is very intimidating and liked to shout at children for little or no reason (still does)

Now i'm staring to feel a bit guilty about what i said, should i feel guilty or was i right about what i said?

OP posts:
needafootmassage · 23/09/2010 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfumedlife · 23/09/2010 17:17

YANBU If she saw fit to berate you and your parenting then I'm afraid she opened up the battlefield. Sounds like you did a sterling job Grin

She has no business telling you what you are doing wrong ( in her fabulous experience )

And re the dummy, ds had his until he started school at five. Speaks crystal clear, didn't really start until 2 but was never delayed in quality. Some mothers I know would do well to give a dummy, the more some kids cry, the more they seem to want to keep on crying.

Give yourself a break, she started it and she had it coming.

Animation · 23/09/2010 17:22

The OP is not saying that she has the moral high ground here, - but there are some situations in life which call for a pugnacious response. This woman needed shutting up once and for all. Now there is a BOUNDARY in place.

juicy12 · 23/09/2010 17:23

She was very rude, but your response was way OTT. Two wrongs don't make a right. I think you probably know, too, that your DS shouldn't still have a dummy or a bottle - neither will do any good for his speech or teeth. 22 months is too old for both. If you really do have concerns re his speech, you could try your HV or see if there's a drop-in speech and language centre near you. Don't blame yourself, but there are things you can do to lessen the likelihood of him having speech problems.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 23/09/2010 17:24

unfortuantley it is true i am really close friends with 1 of her sons and 1 of her daughters. Her son has been on antidepressants for years due to the abuse he suffered at the hands of his mum. Her daughter still speaks to her and i told her what i said she was Shock that i had the guts to stand up to her but agreed with everything i said. She adopted her niece and nephew. I have heard her call her niece a fat lazy cow, a whore, dirty bitch..the list goes on! Then she wonders why her adopted daughter phone SS. and SHE wants to give ME parenting advice.

My mum didnt have to tell me anything she make no bones of telling me herself when i see her along with her daughter, and i have also seen most of the abuse with my own eyes. Shes a bully.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 23/09/2010 17:28

I thought it was ok to him him a bottle before he goes to bed to settle him Blush. Should i stop that?

OP posts:
Animation · 23/09/2010 17:28

Yes she sounds like a classic Narcissistic bully. Your mother ought to drop her as her friend.

MrsC2010 · 23/09/2010 17:32

YABU and definitely made yourself appear a lesser person.

And smacking isn't the end of the world. I'm not advocating doing it but I and many of my generation (only 29) were smacked by our (fantastic and loving) parents and it hasn't affected us one jot. She didn't threaten to throw him off the nearest bridge, nor did she touch him. She doesn't sound pleasant, but you sound far, far worse and what she said didn't deserve your torrent.

seaShoreLonging · 23/09/2010 17:36

but evertime i see this woman she has some sort or critisim of my parenting, why shouldn't i point out her massive mistakes?

well - if you think that this out burst has stopped that problem -I wouldn't apologize at all as I expect she would see this as weakness and what ever you said would assume the apology is for everything and start the helpful advise/blame again.

IME everyone is an expert - people who barley see the DC, people who have never had kids, people who have made massive mistakes with their DCs - everything is your fault but any credit is despite your input.

You need to learn to ignore and not let it get to you ( comes with practice and you get lots) , avoid people like this - your lucky it isn't family who are harder to avoid. If you can't avoid don't show any weakness or discuss any insecurities you might have.

Polite put downs are very effective - what you say can't be ignored because you've lost it and it can be harder for them to argue back - plus you feel better not guilty.

She was rude and you were rude back - move on and try to avoid a similar situations in the future.

Animation · 23/09/2010 17:36

Mrs C - Are you saying that being smacked did you no harm ? Confused

claig · 23/09/2010 17:39

excellent post by needafootmassage.

YABU. I can fully understand why you flipped, but you did end up going over the top. With people liek that, I know they are going to say something negative and critical and usually just put up with it, as I know that they are unhappy people. I try and rise above them, but sometimes I also end up flipping. You are starting to feel guilty now. It would be good if you could apologise in some way.

Limara · 23/09/2010 17:39

Sounds like this woman needed telling. If people don't ever say anything and turn a blind eye then what sort of society are we? We have a right to stand up for ourselves don't we? The dummy senario was the icing on the cake IMO.

I remember this sort of advise people used to give me when mine were younger-blah blah blah blah. It's usually intended to be helpful but there are those out there that just can't help gloat about their precious offspring and look ever so slightly pleased, when they see you worrying or looking doubtful.

Your mum may be secretly pleased you stood up to this woman no?

My son didn't talk till he was around 23-24 months if memory serves me? He had a dummy. What, are people saying he won't talk EVER because he has a dummy Grin

Odysseus · 23/09/2010 17:40

I think you went a bit over the top? Did she strike a nerve - are you actually worried he does have his dummy too much and youve stunted his speech development?

diddl · 23/09/2010 17:42

Definitely an over reaction imo.

And tbh, talking about concerns of not talking & child has a dummy in-I´m afraid you rather walked into that one!

SpareRoomSleeper · 23/09/2010 17:43

I know that it can be really frustrating and annoying when someone judges your parenting style, but OP, that was rather harsh.

I would apologise the next time I saw her.

SpareRoomSleeper · 23/09/2010 17:46

And 22months IS too old to have a dummy.

Try Nelson Homeopathic sachets (from boots) or good old bonjela to soothe his gums.

SpareRoomSleeper · 23/09/2010 17:47
Grin
toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 23/09/2010 17:47

i will go against the general thread here and say well done, the nasty old bat had it coming. Don't apologise or she will only take it as licence to keep going with her abusive ways. Just don't go to see her again. Ignore, ignore, ignore and hopefully your mum will ignore her too. From the extra info you have added, she is toxic and to be avoided at all costs.

Limara · 23/09/2010 17:48

Well, let's campaign to have dummies taken off the shelves because it stops children from talking, for goodness sake! Hmm

They may slightly delay kids from talking, stands to reason doesn't it but are we saying it will STOP children from talking? If the answers no, then what's the issue?
It's a concerned mother voicing her fears only to be met with the bleeding 'oracle' type person.

Myleetlepony · 23/09/2010 17:50

I can understand you reacting, but I think you were cruel. You could have told her to butt out without the comments about her children.

perfumedlife · 23/09/2010 17:50

God, am amazed that in a post about someone rudely handing out unsolicited parenting advice, posters are still doing it Shock

As for advocating smacking!! Never lifted my hand to ds, violence begets violence.

You carry on doing what you are doing op, your child will be just fine. As for the rude friend, she had it coming. Good for you. I don't see how it reduces you to her lever atall, you sound ten feet tall to me. You are spot on, she is a bully, and not that you will care, but she will have a grudging respect for you now.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 23/09/2010 17:50

I think, given your recent posts, she probably needed a few home truths. However, you probably went a bit over the top calling her a 'dictator'.... So, YAB a little bit U.....

nancydrewrocked · 23/09/2010 17:52

You were spiteful.

If you are fed up with her parenting advice simply stop seeing her.

As for advocating smacking, most people of our parents generation did. It's not right but hardly the end of the world and not as if she actually smacked him herself - which would be cause for concern.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 23/09/2010 17:52

My mum has started seeing her less and less, we felt we ought to pay her a visit as she hadn't seen ds in a while and my mum loves to show him off. My mums fed up of her as she has been really nasty to her dp ds, and i mean nasty (do you know your mums a junkie to a 9 year old) My mum thinks she did this as she doesn't like her dp. My mum knows i can stick up for myself which is probably why she didnt get involved.

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 23/09/2010 17:54

Animation Yep absolutely, nor my sister, cousins, friends... I never thought anything of it till joining MN. It was a rarely used form of discipline, reserved for when I had been truly horrendous and refused to heed warnings and other sanctions.

I wouldn't smack DD, but IMO it is a generational thing. My parents aren't abusers, I couldn't ask for better parents in fact. Smacking was just part of the standard discipline their generation (they are quite old school as well) used... millions of people across the country/world will have been smacked within loving families... are you implying we're all 'damaged' in some way?

Let's not get hysterical.