or was i right to let rip at this woman?

[mummysgoingmad]

I went home at the weekend to see my mum. We went to see a family friend, she's very opinionated which is fine i suppose.

Anyway ds (22 months) was running about with his dummy in his mouth which i give him through the day when he's teething, I'd rather him bite his dummy than bite me i was talking about my concerns that ds still isn't talking, pointing or waving. This woman said "well he wont talk if he has his dummy in his mouth all the time" To which i replied he doesn't have his dummy all the time just when he's teething and when he goes to bed. She said "he has his dummy in his mouth all the time"

Now the last time i saw this woman was in may and yes ds did have his dummy then as he was sleeping. I kind of lost it a bit and said how would you know i barely see you, you have seen him twice with his dummy in his mouth and you assume he has it all the time, well your wrong. She then started rattling on about how i'm not strict enough and i should start to think about disaplining him i.e smacking!! ds wasnt even doing anything wrong at the time, he was running up up and down the hallway. This is when i exploded and said yeh that really worked for you considering 3 out of your 5 children dont even speak to you, 1 of said children says your dead to him. My final comment was your not a mother your a dictator and i walked out with ds. When i was little i remember being scared of this woman as she is very intimidating and liked to shout at children for little or no reason (still does)

Now i'm staring to feel a bit guilty about what i said, should i feel guilty or was i right about what i said?

Theincredible

I wasn't really missing your point, I was kind of disagreeing with it.
Speech therapy and other interventions are available before 3. And telling someone not to worry about something that is actually worrying is not desperately helpful really.

All it does is prevents the person who is woried from articulating and rationalising their fears. It makes them feel as if they are part of the problem 'don't make a fuss, you will only make it worse'... That sort of language is an absoloute killer when you just instinctively know that things are not as they should be.

And if you then listen to those saying 'stop worrying, it will come' and then find out that you should have been seeking help 6 months or more sooner, it is just unbearable.

I am not trying to be argumentative, honestly.
I am just trying to explain why these things which are meant kindly are actually potentially damaging on more than one level.

I find the 'never mind, it will come, don't worry you will just stress him out' comments to parents who are aware that their child is delayed incredibly diffdicult to read.

No one wants to say 'actually this could be a problem' because no one wants to be that person.
But thank god some do ( and that I am not so impressed with platitudes) or DS2 would have waited even longer and probably be struggling even more today

I can understand that she upset you, and she does sound overbearing, but I'm afraid you did go over the top imo. Happens to all of us though, and I think she had too much to say.

Agree with pag. One of the most helpful things someone said to me was a friend who when ds1 was about 2 said 'i think you are right there is something wrong. I never used to be able to see it and I thought you were mistaken but now I can see that you a right'. It was the first time I felt someone was on my side. Until that point I had to borrow books on development from the library then hide them under my bed as I was given such grief for reading them.

My friend was far more help than the Einstein didn't talk until he was 4 brigade. I'm afraid took to replying 'yes and Einstein was autistic' to that comment because however well meant it got to the stage where constantly being seen as delusional was getting a bit tiresome (and in the meantime we ere getting all the 'that's because someone said no to him for the first time' and 'have you thought about giving him a good smack?' type comments).

Well, I wouldn't have said that about her being dead to one of her kids, because that was deliberately hurtful. However, sometimes it takes a shock like that for a person to see themselves as others see them.

I would tell her I was sorry, and tell her I was especially sorry if I hurt her. I wouldn't ask for an apology, because it doesn't really count if you have to ask.

Please don't worry about your little one too much. Children all do things at their own speed. My brother didn't walk or talk until he was 2 and he is brilliant. My other brother didn't talk until about 3, he turned out to have a learning problem, but he ended up graduating from University. :) So think positive!

PS. Saying don't worry does not mean do not bother looking into it and having him seen. It means don't worry yourself sick, and stay positive.

I agree with SGB

don't apologise

and good luck with your ds - however anxious you feel, get him assessed NOW - wondering is a hell of a lot worse than knowing - and he's still yours and he's still gorgeous, even if he turns out to need support

YANBU
The woman was suggesting smacking FFS, I would have given her both barrels, I think you were absolutely fine, the raising of YOUR child has naff all to do with her!

anyway forget her, she's a side issue

your ds is the priority

In full reflection on the speech issue, this is communication, and is Vital to his future interactions, the child who struggles to communicate verbally will only do it physically, and you know that means bite, snatch, kick or punch to get his point across to his peers.

You may also fall into the position where you, his family can understand his speech but nobody else really can fully, then he may not improve the speech for a long time, as he wont have to, cos minipeeps can understand each other anyway somehow.

In fairness, parents worry, so do worry, but not excessively, just get on the speech therapy train, experts are out there... in any case, you can start yourself with him.

Boys are usually a bit behind than girls with speech, cos you ladies are 'cleverer' anyway, but when he does say words wrongly, start with correcting him on the sound he has to make at the end of the word, then the sound he has to make at the beginning of the word, before worrying about the middle sounds.

(i.e. Lunch.... Stress the ch, when he has mastered that, even if he was saying unch or wunch, or bunch, worry about the L when he has mastered th CH)

Well, this thread has moved on loads since ten pages ago, but PLEASE do not apologise to this mean bitch - for anything!

YAtotallyNBU

She sounds like the sort who will take it as a victory and use it against you thereafter. Seriously, I would never go round there again, she sounds utterly toxic.

Good luck with your lovely DS - can't believe people are being so judgey about dummies and bottles either - DD wouldn't drink out of a cup if it was milk and still won't (she's 5 now) and had a bottle at night if she wanted one (not a big milk drinker) til she was 3. Hasn't affected her speech at all, that's a total red herring. :)

thanks for the tip leveller i'll give that a go. saintly i had to clap his hands for him for about 4 months before he did it himself but other things like feeding himself with a spoon or using a new type of beaker seem to come naturally to him, i just dont get it.
Well todays a new day and after a lengthy argument discussion dp and i have have made some big changes today. No more dummy (i have paid for this 1 already with a massive bite on the shoulder) no tv until in the night garden is on at 6 (we always watch waybaloo and mr tumble) i'm going out to buy flash cards today and i have made an appointment for ds to see our gp.

Dp said he didn't realise how anxious i was until i completely broke down, the only reason i broke down was because he said i think you want something to be wrong with him sometimes...twat! anyway we were up most of the night discussing it and he says if i think its best then we should go and get it checked.

oh yes the 'I think you want something to be wrong with him sometimes' classic. Every single person I know had that one thrown at them.

Glad he's on board about getting everything checked out.

If he isn't talking yet I really wouldn't use flashcards to try and elicit speech you'll just get frustrated.

What you can do is use them to teach vocab. So get an old shoe box, cut a hole in the lid and stand it up in front of the bottom bit and you have a letter box. Then get your flashcards and have your son post them through the box (you might need to do this a bit) and say the name of the flashcard being posted. Stick to nouns initially. Ds1 loved doing this - really enjoyed it and learned most of his nouns in the this way - he's had an excellent understanding of nouns since he was tiny because of this method.

If you can find cards with photos rather than line drawings they're usually a better bet.

I have not read through the thread as I did not want it to influence my opinion, so I may or may not be going against the grain (whatever it is--it usually changes in these threads as people bandwagon and bully)....

I think you went a little over the top with your reaction and should apologize but I can totally see why. She was telling you something you did not want to hear number one, and number two, she was a little out of line. I can see why she made the comment about the dummy if you were complaining about his lack of speech...it's known that dummy's can cause speech delays. Irregardless of that, you are his mum and you ultimately know what is best for him. The rest of what she said was out of order, and I can see how if you were having a bad day yourself you may have blown up.

Apologize for your reaction.

ok so shes allowed to question your parenting but you arent allowed to question hers? whats that about. maybe calling her a dictator was a bit much but hey parenting is an emtoive subject she should have know that before she said it

thats a good idea saintly i'll give it a go i've got loads of shoe boxes as i keep ds's old shoes and sell them on ebay. I'm willing to give anything a go.

I spoke to my mum last night about all this, i asked her i was out of line or disrespectful. She said you could of handled yourself a bit better and not thrown insults at her but no she had it coming, shes always quick to point out everbody elses failings but never seems to acknowledge her own. My mum said she spoke to her at lenght about my concerns with ds and she said to my mum "she isn't doing a good enough job at it then is she, maybe you should go up and have a word with her" my mum said she didnt tell me as it wasn't helpful. She said when i left my mum told her a few home truths too (she wouldn't tell me what she said) and hasn't seen or spoken to her since. My mum said she had it for years she belittled her parenting and she took it (apparently my my mum was useless as i couldn't tell the time till i was 10)

YANBU. She thought she could tell you her opinion, so you told her yours. Being old is not an excuse to stick your nose in other people's business. It serves her right!

where does it say the woman is old?

Good for you.

Some people are so bloody opinionated, especially, dare I say it, older women with grown up children.

rofl at "the Einsten didn't talk till he was 4 brigade"

you are very dry sometimes turnip

I heard/read the Einstein one so often, I actually went to the library and picked up a biography to find out more info. According to the biog he was speaking by age 3. Though he did have some unusual behaviour re: language as an older child, in that he would whisper a sentence first before saying it.

PS - one reason the Einstein comment wound me up was because I am not worried about DS growing into a successful albeit geeky physicist, but about whether DS will actually be able to live and/or work independently...

Your poor mum must have been mortified !
Didn't you think about her at all?
Imagine taking your adult daughter to visit an old friend and her unleashing that tirade!