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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:39

yes, you should feel uncomfortable

I would

how did you find this out ? is there a woman at this house and why didn't she supervise the showering ?

onepieceoflollipop · 22/09/2010 20:39

Is the dad a lone parent, or does he have a female dp who could supervise? I am the mother of an almost 7 year old. My dh bathes/showers both of our dds, which is fine.

However, if a friend of dds was visiting, I would either not bathe her or I would supervise them myself.

At that age imo they are still a bit messy, prone to messing around/flooding bathroom etc so some supervision is needed.

I trust my dh 100% with my own dcs and other people's; however I would be wary of putting him in a vulnerable position, if only for the fact that other parents may think it odd/not right if he was supervising their dcs in the bathroom.

3littlefrogs · 22/09/2010 20:40

I would not feel comfortable with this. I know my DH would not do this. How well do you know the parents?

laweaselmys · 22/09/2010 20:41

I would find it a bit odd that Any adult was in the bathroom. Apart from maybe to turn the shower on/off if it is tricky to get the temp right.

I would say so.

scarlotti · 22/09/2010 20:42

Yes, that is a bit odd. Whilst I'm sure it is innocent (maybe Dad does the bathtimes in their house normally) I think that normal rules have to be looked at when you have someone else's child to stay to see if they're still suitable.
I would walk around the house in my underwear, but not if any of the dc's had someone staying over as it's just not the done thing.

ChippingIn · 22/09/2010 20:42

How do you normally feel about the Dad?

It wouldnt't bother me as two 7 year olds can be daft in a shower and they were probably worried in case they messed around with the taps (got scalded) or fell over or something stupid and how you would react if they had been unsupervised...

I actually think it's nice that a Dad feels comfortable to do that.

How did your DD feel about it? If she was uncomfortable, did she not feel confident enough to tell him that she showers alone at home?

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:42

at the very best, this man is making a mistake in putting himself in this vulnerable situation

I don't want to consider the worst...

can you tell us any more of the context ?

onepieceoflollipop · 22/09/2010 20:45

I agree completely with AF in her first sentence at 20.42.

Dh and I are very cautious. In fact a few days ago a little boy same age as dd came to play (almost 7) He went to the loo, unaccompanied obviously. He couldn't reach the loo roll so I went in as he really needed it. I was saying loudly "are you sure you can't reach it?" . I did help him but I think we all as adults need to be careful with other people's children.

I don't mean tiny pre-school age, I mean once they are say 6/7 and generally independent.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:45

chippingIn...for his own kids and some close relatives...not a problem

for a visitor to the house...minefield

i don't know may girls of that age who would speak up, tbh. Either the dodgy situation just wouldn't cross their mind (the best option) or they would feel they had to go along with it for fear of pissing this person off (not a good option)

I would like to think my own dd would have spoke up at this age (she was gobby even then Smile)...but I don't think she would

Notyetamummy · 22/09/2010 20:46

I understand that everyone needs to be cautious, but I do find it a little upsetting that most men are presumed to be perverts when most are not.

For example, when I work as a support worker, no-one bats an eyelid when I provide personal care to gentlemen (washing/toiletting etc.), but there are strict rules for the men supporting the women.

It is most likely that this dad sees his daughter and yours as little girls and didn't think anything of it. My friends and I were very late becoming embarrassed and I only stopped getting undressed in front of my dad/step-dad and my friends' dad's at around 10.

If your daughter was uncomfortable you can encourage her to ask him to leave the room next time.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:46

*many

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:48

OP...where are you ?

Don't post and run...it doesn't look good when you do that, tbh

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:49

my apologies, OP, I see you are a legit poster (at least I think you are...Smile)

Gibbon · 22/09/2010 20:50

Can I ask, did your DD feel uncomfortable? Is that why she mentioned it do you think?

I want to say that it's sad that it is viewed as worrying but I know if it was my DD's I would not comfortable with it.

onepieceoflollipop · 22/09/2010 20:50

Notyetamummy imo it's not about presuming most men are perverts. It is about all adults, both men and women protecting themselves.

We live in a society where unfortunately some children are abused. So the rest of us have to protect ourselves and our children (not just our birth children but children in our care e.g. on sleepovers)

If there is any chance of misunderstanding then I think it is wise for an adult to avoid certain situations (and bathing 8 or 10 year old children of whatever gender I would generally try to avoid)

Not because dh or I are "perverts" but mainly because if there is no need for us to be in certain situations then that is the best option.

Gibbon · 22/09/2010 20:51

lol AF I clicked and checked before posting too

prozacfairy · 22/09/2010 20:52

I wouldn't be happy about this. Can't see any of my daddy friends doing this- creepy and afraid of being accused of all sorts.

Original poster
keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:52

Hi,
Sorry guys.......new-ish to this Blush
Not very good at quick typing!!

OP posts:
chandellina · 22/09/2010 20:52

agree it depends a lot on the circumstances but i do think it's unfair to think the vast majority of dads has any impure thoughts about a couple of 8 year old girls getting cleaned up.

and i would have no qualms about helping a boy or girl in the loo if necessary at my house. I would be outraged if anyone suggested it was inappropriate, solely on face value of a mum helping another child.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:54

of course, I think it is sad too that a man cannot do this simple thing

but of course it ain't simple, and he was stupid to put himself in this situation

OP...how did you find out about this ?

Original poster
keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:55

There's a mum at home, but she went to a local barn dance that night.
I was happy for DD to stay there with just him, if that answers the how well do I know them question?
I think they are very open as a family, as are we among ourselves, but I would never consider bathing/showering a friend of DD's

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 22/09/2010 20:56

Not to be obtuse, but again I don't think it's necessary for an adult to supervise 2 7yos bathing. If one of them slips and cracks their head, I'm sure the other would notice! If there is too much noise/ splashing you can knock on the door and tell them to get on with it...

If they don't wash their hair properly for that one night it's not a big deal surely?

pozzled · 22/09/2010 20:58

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I don't think it's making assumptions about the dad being a pervert, but I do think that by that age children are entitled to a bit of privacy. I can see reasons why the dad may have needed to supervise them, but I would expect him to do it sensitively- put the shower curtain across or something at least so they don't feel too uncomfortable.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 20:58

barn dance ???

was it in a sheep shed ??? were there lambs ???

never mind...

Notyetamummy · 22/09/2010 20:58

onepieceoflollipop I agree with you that it is necessary to for adults to protect themselves from accusations, but don't you think that's sad? I remember my best friend and I (both girls) running around hers and my house with no clothes on a lot - don't know why, but it must be fun at that age.

I was quite naive and didn't really know about sex or anything but did know, due to my nan telling me a lot (she had a history of abuse) about not letting anyone touch me.

I suppose that unfortunately this is the way everyone has to be - on edge, because of a few horrible people who abuse children.