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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 22:57

I dont think it is suspicious and I wouldnt have a problem with it. I have dds aged 9 and under.

JaneS · 22/09/2010 22:58

Sixty, maybe her son is different from your DD, and more bothered about nakedness? It would be lovely if all people everywhere grew up happily prancing around naked, but in reality, don't we all go through stages of feeling acutely aware of our bodies, and also being unconcerned? Especially children whose bodies are starting to change in unexpected/adult ways?

Rebeccash · 22/09/2010 22:58

I have a 9 year old ds and when his friend (8) stayed over they got VERY muddy. I gave his friend a change of clothes, put the shower on and then left him to get undressed and showered. When he had dried himself and changed I came in to turn off shower. I stayed upstairs so I could hear him if he needed me, out of RESPECT for the child and his family I would not have sat in there and watched and tbh find it very strange that anyone would sit and watch at this age. My ds has been showering himself, washing his hair etc etc since he was 6 and those of you who say your children could not do so at this age I find very odd.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 22/09/2010 22:58

60ft she put them in trunks?

That's utter madness!

SixtyFootDoll · 22/09/2010 23:02

I know, I can understand why she did it I have no issue with it.

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:09

Rebecca - my dd aged 9 doesnt wash or dry herself and both her and us are happy with that. Each to their own - you cant make assumptions that all parents do as you do. Obviously it is not that children couldnt do it - if necessary most children could be taught to do most household chores from a very very early age. Doesnt make it wrong just because some of us dont teach things early.

My dd would need somebody supervising her if she showered at somebodys house. She would be VERY likely to scald herself or some other disaster!! In fact it would worry her if there wasnt somebody supervising. In other ways she is incredibly independent and grown up.

Dont judge.

ColdComfortFarm · 22/09/2010 23:09

This thread has made me sad and, frankly,sick and scared. We recently looked after a five year old friend of my youngest while her parents were awaywith a family health emergency. The girls played with water in the garden and were cold and muddy. My children have a bath every night so we didn't think twice about runnung a bath for both. I was at home but had a work problem blow up so my husband supervised the bath, as he has done with all our kids.. Now I feel sick that he will be regarded as a paedophile. I don't know if I should raise this with my friend now. My husband said afterwards that he was worried someone might misconstrue his actions, though at the time he didn't think twice. Now I am genuinely frightened.

Anenome · 22/09/2010 23:10

ColdComforFarm....I think it is naive in the extreme for a non-relative to bathe anyone elses kids.

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:11

Dont be frightened Cold. I think the issue most see here is the age of the child - there is some difference between 5 and 8.

I wouldnt think twice about it - my dd stays with a friend whos dad looks after them most of the time. He puts her to bed, cleans her teeth etc. I trust him and dd trusts him.

Dont worry.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 23:13

frog...what will you do when/if your dd goes on a residential school trip ?

my son, 10, is going on a PGL trip soon

he needs to be able to sort himself out (they will be doing very muddy and wet activities)

I would feel I had failed him if he were unable to be indepependent in showering and drying himself

Anenome · 22/09/2010 23:15

frogetyfrog

There's no difference...just because colds child and her friend is younger...this is why peoples freeness in sending tiny kids off to sleep at "friends" houses is so aggravating to me..because one families idea of "normal" is so different to anothers!
Your DD has that relationship with her friends Dad and that is fine...for your family and theirs...but to assume anything related to kids is dangerous when you are entrusted with them...

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 23:15

cold, it is ok

there is a world of difference between a 5yo and an 8yo

think nothing more of it...but your Dh was right, it could be misconstrued so perhaps it would be best if it didn't happen again

that is only my opinion though, others will think differently

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:18

Any - my dd doesnt go for another two years - am assuming by then she will have decided to grow up a little. They will grow up in their own time and are doing so. I am happy to wait as there is loads of time for them to not need me in the future.

My niece went on PGL last year and didnt wash for a week anyway, as did none of her friends. They were so dirty when they got back they stunk! - part of the fun I imagine.

I dont feel I have failed my dds in any way. They are fantastic independent, opinionated but thoughtful dds.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 23:20

I didn't say you had failed your dd's

I said how I would feel if by the time my son was going away from home he was still unable to shower and dry himself....and did you say have teeth brushed ???

Your dd is just 9 then ? In year 4 ?

Roobie · 22/09/2010 23:20

This whole saga just goes to show, in my mind, how ridiculous this whole sleep-over trend is becoming. Until such time as children are old enough for any kind of ambiguity as to how to conduct oneself around them has gone, then I think they should be avoided. When did this whole sleep-over thing for primary school kids become the norm anyway - they were unheard of when I was at school (I remember when it was all fields round here Grin)

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:20

Following my last thread - they are obviously not independent in the looking after themselves way or we wouldnt be having this discussion! They are independent in thought though!!

ColdComfortFarm · 22/09/2010 23:22

It won't happen again, that's for sure! Not worth the anxiety. She is the kind of little girl who wants you to help her wipe her bottom, so I had to supervise that (not do it though!) So would have been unacceptable to leave her alone in a bath. And it was a schholday next day so felt she should be reasonably clean. I am worried I ought to mention circs to my friend - but that could be problematic surely? Aargh, going to bed to worry now. I was asked to have her as a favour and am now worried we have made a mess of things.

Anenome · 22/09/2010 23:23

Yes Roobie....I asked only today in anoter thread when they begin as I was surprised at my sister for allowing her 7 year old go to another girls home...you hit the nail on the head about the ambiguity...until kids know it's not ok to run round nude then they need to sleep, wash in their own homes.

savoycabbage · 22/09/2010 23:23

Cold, it is totally different. Eight year olds should be able to get themselves showered and dressed. I gave my friend's dd a bath with mine not so long ago, also when there was a family health emergency. They are 6. I ran the bath, told them it was ready, found some PJ's for her and towel and then I left them too it.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 23:23

no, cold just leave it

all is well x

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:25

Yes Any - teeth brushed! My dd does them in the morning but we do them at night still to check they are really clean. Probably not necessary now as she is pretty good but she likes it and we like it. It makes her feel young still and makes the dentist compliment her on excellent teeth!

She is growing up fast and still wants that pampering sometimes. Hard to explain but she really is the most thoughtful, caring child and takes such responsibilities on young shoulders for things such as looking after the sad child at school who hasnt a friend, looking after the injured bird for weeks until it can be released etc.

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:28

oops - hadnt finished.

I was going to say, my dds dont do sleep overs as young girls. Dd1 has just started when she was 8. They dont even get to go to relatives. That probably keeps them young a bit too as they are just with dh and I for such a long time.

ColdComfortFarm · 22/09/2010 23:28

Some eight year olds are very young for their age and if the other girl is like that then the dad will prob have just always gone in to lend a hand and simply didn't think for a minute that it would be a problem to stick with his normal, autopilot routine. I imagine he regarded the op's little girl's body as neutrally as he does his own child's. I agree eight is old for most girls to need help, but maybe he was just checking the visiting child and his daughter weren't being silly with the shower stuff or scalding themselves or flooding the floor?

AnyFucker · 22/09/2010 23:29

she sounds lovely frog and you don't have to explain

you bring her up the best way you see fit, don't listen to me Smile

I am the type of parent that throws them the odd crust every so often Wink

PGL comes around quickly though...

ColdComfortFarm · 22/09/2010 23:32

In our case it wasn't a sleepover for fun, we were helping out as requested. I hate the lack of sleep! It wasn't actually v convenient (though I was glad to help) hence the fact I was downstairs while girls were in the bath.

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