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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:34

Thats ok any. She will come home stinky from PGL!

I am aware I baby them a little but love it and am happy to do it for a while as yet!

They would tell you they just get the odd crust too. They dont think I pamper them enough!

Good night eveybody.

Rebeccash · 22/09/2010 23:35

Frogetyfrog just because I said it was odd to me doesn't mean I judge you or think you have failed your dd. My ds goes on a residential trip this year (he is in Yr 4) for three nights and all of the children will be expected to shower and dress themselves (many outdoor ativities, lots of mud). I just said I would find it strange if a child COULDN'T do this not DOESN'T. I fully accept my ds is very independent for his age and I see this as a positive thing. It has nothing to do with letting them feel young: my ds sits on my lap, has a story etc but is rather a larger part of letting them know they are capable (and therefore confident) of doing things for themselves. All of his friends shower themselves, get themselves snacks, brush their own teeth (my son too has lovely teeth and has been brushing them without supervision since he was 5) and many of them walk to school alone. It's part of letting them grow up.

frogetyfrog · 22/09/2010 23:42

I accept that Rebecca - and think its great. But my dds are not growing up as fast as yours! My dd, year 4, would not want to go on residential trip and neither would a lot of her friends (some would I accept). They are all different, as are we as parents.

Neither way is right or wrong. I have no doubt in my mind that we parent as a result of our environment, upbringing and many other factors. A whole other discussion!

And I really am going to bed. Goodnight.

Lynli · 23/09/2010 00:31

When I was about 8 I went on holiday with a friend and her DM, we visited her DF while we were away. He was staying in a hotel and we got bathed there before dinner. He would not let us shut the bathroom door because it would get too steamy.

At that age I knew there was something wrong, and it became clear later that I was not wrong.

It is not normal, and I find it strange that people say every man is not a paedophile. That is true but it does not mean no man is.

If I ask would you like your DD to stay overnight with a friend and the friends DF to watch her naked in the shower, who in their right mind would say yes.

I think it would be normal for him to potter about in earshot, he doesn't want any accidents or flooded bathrooms. But to actually watch them. I would try to find out from your DD exactly where he was in relation to them.

You should follow your instincts and protect your DD.

I think it is a strange man that would put him self in this position.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/09/2010 00:56

Thing is, people who are not abusive and have not had any experience of abuse think that abusers are 'others', not them. They know that their motives are innocent, so tend not to feel that anyne would doubt them. So it's perfectly likely that this dad, while aware (as most people are) of peedo-panic, wouldn;t have thought of it as applying to him if he is used to giving an eye to his own DD when she is showering (perhaps because she is likely to muck about with the shampoo or flood the bathroom
If your DD seems to feel a bit uncomfortable, either stop the sleepovers or have a word with the family to the effect that your DD is getting keen on privacy now and therefore doesn't want/need to be supervised while washing. If your DD asks to go for further sleepovers there and doesn;t appear to have an issue with the bathroom then there almost certainly isn't any kind of problem.

BitOfFun · 23/09/2010 01:42

That sounds reasonable, SGB. It would certainly be an awkward phonecall if the OP were to imply any accusations. But approaching it from the angle of her dd needing privacy is fair enough, and if there is no further hoo-ha about it, then it's probably fine.

ChippingIn · 23/09/2010 01:45

There is nothing to suggest that the OP's daughter was uncomfortable - she was asked what they had done, she told them, if it's unusual for her Dad to sit in the bathroom with her while she showers it would have been something different - same way she'd mention it if she saw a blue cat, it was different - different does not mean 'bad'. She hasn't been asked for details (quite rightly) so it's quiet possible that he sat on the toilet seat for a few minutes after telling them to stop messing around and to get out of the shower...

As for not having a bath/shower at a sleep over - since when? If kids are here at bed time, they get bathed/showered along with the those that live here, as we did as children.

There is far too much hysteria over all of this.

These girls are 7, the parent that was at home was supervising them, I can't believe some of the comments, I really can't.

ColdComfortFarm - please don't worry about it, I'm sure your friends are really grateful that you looked after their DD for them and aren't the least bit concerned that your DH bathed the girls x

MrsCrafty · 23/09/2010 01:53

Sorry but DH would leave them dirty. He absolutely would not supervise a bathtime unless it was our own children. He wouldn't even be happy about the sleepover unless I was there. We have our niece coming on Friday and she is 9. I will not be home until late but he wouldn't even be upstairs whilst she showered and he would more than likely not let her have one because of our children going up and interfering with doors open and stuff.

OP, I would stress that any sleepovers in future stay grubby. There is no need for a child of that age to shower every day anyway.

Rebeccash · 23/09/2010 07:12

Frogetyfrog I accept that we are all different and of course parent differently. The main point of my original post was I personally would not be happy about the dh said in the bathroom whilst my child showered. As an aside the trip is with school and I guess compulsory?

pinkbasket · 23/09/2010 08:08

I am soon about to have someone to sleep over for the first time. It is a girl and I just wouldn't bath/shower them. Being careful is not a bad thing.

Careybliss · 23/09/2010 08:30

Surely at nearly 8 years old they're old enough to shower unsupervised. I would be very uncomfortable with that. Forget the feelings of the parents, it's the children that matter.

Rebeccash · 23/09/2010 08:39

That should say sat in the bathroom

weblette · 23/09/2010 08:59

Agree completely with chipping in

Jux · 23/09/2010 09:09

WRT baths/showers on a sleepover - dd always shares a bath with her friends when they're here, it's part of the sleepover for her.

I never go in, and haven't since dd was about 7; before that I'd knock first to give the other girl a chance to hide etc if she wanted to.

They wash each other's hair, mess about with bath bombs, splash around and have a great deal of fun whilst making a huge mess. It never occurred to me that people would think it odd.

Anenome · 23/09/2010 09:40

Chippingin

The OP felt her daughter had been uncomfortable...she knows her own daughter and felt that in mentioning it there had been a degree of discomfort about it.

NordicPrincess · 23/09/2010 11:03

i dont believe that many of the posters here would have minded had it been the mother and not the father. my dp has 9 and 7yr old neices, when they need the toilet or something he sends me. If they were little boys i imagine he wouldnt mind. He wont bath with our own children because hes worried that it might be taken the wrong way. thats realy sad too.

It might be normal for the dad to sit with his daughter while she baths to keep her company, he (being male) may not have relaised that girls develop so young these days and it probebly didnt even occur to him that it might have been considered a bit odd.

If you arent hapy then next time she goes say to the mother on the phone that shes sstarting to be aware of her body and could she possibly shower without an adult present pplease? the parents will probebly clock on to what you are saying and will explain about the dad being there before and all will be fine.

Anenome · 23/09/2010 11:38

NordicPrincess

I think the OP is uncomfortable enough with the situation to not send her child back there again...and how do your 7 and 9 year old nieces need help on the toilet!? Most 5 or 6 yer olds can manage THAT alone!

ChippingIn · 23/09/2010 12:02

Anenome - No, that's not what she said. She agreed with posters who asked if she could have felt uncomfortable, the OP did not say her daughter mentioned it because she was uncomfortable.

DD may well have felt uncomfortable aboutit

It is a possibility, not a fact and the OP hadn't felt that to be the case until asked several times.

Also, the OP has not said she is too uncomfortable with it to send her back. The few people that have posted on here are making her feel more uncomfortable. Many other people would be fine with it.

As for all of you too paranoid to allow a child to shower at your home... words fail me. Polite ones anyway.

DrunkenDaisy · 23/09/2010 14:00

I think you should call the police.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2010 14:12

hey, chipping, you can be impolite if you like Grin

Bramshott · 23/09/2010 14:32

If you have no other worries, I would think it was just something he hadn't thought through properly at the time. Probably he thought he should supervise in some way, given that the girls were only 7 yrs old.

But of course, if you feel uncomfortable, and you think your DD feels uncomfortable, I would just say before next time she goes "DD felt a bit uncomfortable that your DH (or you if talking to the DH) was there when she was showering last time. Could you make sure that either they are just left to it, or don't worry about a shower or bath?"

Irishchic · 23/09/2010 14:49

FGS In this day and age how could any man with kids think that this was ok to do??

My dh would go nowhere near my daughter (8 years) room when she has a friend round after school and they are changing clothes, let alone sit in a bathroom and watch them have a shower...!

Hover about outside on the landing perhaps, if you are worried about accidents, but no need to SIT INSIDE the whole time.

At the very least it displays an amazing lack of judgment on behalf of the father, which alone would make me question whether he is capable of managing a kids sleepover at his house.

And yes people can wring hands all they like and say how awfully sad it is that something like this could be read the wrong way, but I'd save all that angst instead for the kids out there who are being/have been abused by adults, (the majority of whom are people they know and trust btw)!

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 23/09/2010 15:42

See it is this kind of thing that makes me sad that it is all about MEN in this day and age and the massive assumption that it is only men that are dodgy.

If I am happy to send my dd on a sleepover- and there are few houses she would go to anywya- I would feel 100% confident that if anything like this happened it wasn't dodgy at all because to trust the people with my 7 year old dd all night I would trust them not to come to any harm and trust the parenst completely.

cheesesarnie · 23/09/2010 15:49

i remember dd staying at a friends house and the dad phoning me saying could they have a bath,his wife had gone out and he was really worried.i said that if i felt she was safe enough staying in the house,she was safe enough to have a shower

annec555 · 23/09/2010 15:53

I agree with Chippingin. I think that in the absence of other warning signs, a father supervising two 7 year olds in the shower is not quite worthy of some of the responses on this thread. A lack of judgement? Perhaps. But only a lack of judgement in the light of this sort of speculation, not a lack of judgement because it is wrong per se.

I was particularly flummoxed by the suggestion that no non-relative should bathe a child, particularly following a discussion about a man bathing two 5 year-olds. Seriously? A male family friend should not have a bit of a splash-about with two small children for fear of people whispering about him? Perhaps I shouldn't have bathed my friend's toddler with my son. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken a picture of their two little heads poking over the top of the bath. Perhaps my OH shouldn't have come into the bathroom while I was doing it.

I am not the parent of an older child yet, but I do work in the criminal justice system and I am more than aware of just what people are capable of. But normal vigilance is one thing - deducing ill intent from something like this is something else altogether.

Perhaps he is a paedophile, for all we know. But then again perhaps that nice teacher at the school is a paedophile. Perhaps the lollipop lady is having inpure thoughts about the children crossing the road. Anyone could be a potential abuser - that doesn't mean we should go around reading every adult male - infant female interaction as sinister.