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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncomfortable about this.........

257 replies

keepeverybodyhappy · 22/09/2010 20:36

My DD (v.v.nearly 8) has been to a number of sleepovers at her friend's house.
At these sleepovers they have had baths together, often following muddy/messy playtimes.
However, at the most recent sleepover they had a shower together, and what makes me feel uncomfortable is that her friends Dad was sat watching.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable by this?
Thank you.

OP posts:
weblette · 24/09/2010 17:58

As has said asked several times, define watching. The way you seem to have interpreted this brassband is that the father was actively staring at the child. I still cannot see anywhere in the OPs comment which confirms this.

You are effectively accusing this man of acting in an exploitative or abusive manner.

Believe me, I'm unfortunately no stranger to child sexual abuse, I know first hand about what it is and how it happens and what the effects of it have been on my life. Since having children I have had to think very very deeply about the contact my children have with the world so that they do not have to go through what I did.

brassband · 24/09/2010 18:07

i would define watching the same way the dictionary does ie 'looking at'

Anenome · 24/09/2010 18:39

Pigletmania

I think it is safe to say there won't be a "next time" the OP is clearly uncomfortable...oh...and why the "why oh why"...shades of Wogan and "Points of View" there....and also WHO "plans" on bathing kids Confused during a sleepover?

Anenome · 24/09/2010 18:42

Weblette

The OP's child said something along the lines of "We had a shower and X's Dad watched"

That's enough isnt it? They don't come out with things like that in relation to other activities do they?

"Oh we painted a picture and X's dad watched."

The point is that the child was aware of his prescence...seemingly doing nothing other than stare or look...enough to mention it....if he had "watched" whilst the kids played a board game would she have said anything then? Highly doubtful.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 18:59

He he Anenome havent seet POV for years, but did watch Watchdog last mingt Grin.

It would have been better had the dad been outside on the same floor with the door ajar so that if anything happened he would be able to go to them quickly. I am sure that a bunch of 7/8 year olfd would be more than competent to call out or try and get hold of the dad if there was an accident.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 19:01

There was no need for the dad to sit and watch, they are not pre school kids who would need supervision.

annec555 · 24/09/2010 20:09

I hope the wife isn't on MN - she is going to find it pretty easy to identify herself - at a barn dance during a sleepover. I truly hope there isn't a weeping woman sitting next to her shell-shocked husband after reading this thread.

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 24/09/2010 20:34

I have done as an earlier poster suggested and imagined myself at that age - I would have been mortified. I was always a very private child (nothing to do with parents etc, just how I'v always been).
Infact, it stirred up an old memory of a brownie camp when I must have been around that age where the brown owl watched us all in the shower. I remeber linig up being absolutely horrified. It was a horrible experience. Now I am sure she wasn't a peodophile and I woudn't even have known what the term meant at that age (also very innocent!) but I absolutely felt that my privacy had been invaded horribly.
For this reason (of privacy) alone I wouldn't dream of watching a 7/8 yr old in the shower. It is really unthinking and rude actually, children are just as entitled to privacy as adults.
Everyone that would be ok with this if it happened to their 7/8 yr old - are you sure your children wouldn't mind? I am sure my mum would have thought I was just being sily and of course there was no proble. That's why I would never have mentioned it to her.

pinkbasket · 24/09/2010 20:37

spikeycow you seriously wouldn't mind if a virtual stranger got in to a shower with your daughter?

words fail me.

Anenome · 24/09/2010 20:49

Well anne555 if there is....it will be a wake up call at best.

Pinkbasket....Love that name...anyway...the OP never said the man was actually in the shower...he never "got in"..he sat on the toilet.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 20:51

anneec555 well if they are on MN they it would be truely mortifying for them, next time they will make better judgements one hopes.

pinkbasket · 24/09/2010 20:53

Oh I know Anenome, I was responding to spikeycow's post where she said she wouldn't mind if a man got in the shower with her daughter.

PosieParker · 24/09/2010 20:57

My ds recently went to his first sleepover, I asked before he went what happened baout washing/showering, the Mum said she wouldn't bother as it's only one night and I was happy. I would be pissed off if my dd or ds had been supervised in a shower, by anyone but moreso if it were a man. Mostly women are the carers for children I would be less Hmm if it were a woman, not proud of my suspicions but they would be there nonetheless.

Anenome · 24/09/2010 21:07

Whoops..sorry Pinkbasket!

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 21:14

That would be by attitude posie, if its only one night than a bit of dirt won't do no harm, if they are really filthy than they would go in the shower/bath on their own with the door ajar and myself on the same floor if anything were to go wrong. If they are going on a sleepover than they should be old enough to shower/bath themselves and not be supervised. My dh would not like to get involved whatsoever with personal care, cannot imagine him supervising bathtimes with other kids involved.

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 21:14

Sorry meant my attitude

pigletmania · 24/09/2010 21:16

Though he does bath our dd sometimes, she is 3.6 years, can't imagine him doing this in 5 years time though.

passthemerlotplease · 24/09/2010 21:27

I also can't believe the amount of people who would be happy with their daughter being watched by their friend's dad whilst washing. Maybe my background has made me more suspicious than the average person, but I certainly wouldn't be happy. That's not encouraging the alleged hysteria, but unfortunately the reality is that the world hasn't suddenly 'become' this place where people can't be trusted, it's just more widely reported now.

In reality it is probable that there is absolutely nothing sinister about this what-so-ever. It doesn't mean I wouldn't gently ask her just to make sure. I wish someone had done that for me, is all I'm saying.

Sariah · 24/09/2010 21:29

Was is a ahower or was it in the bath with a shower attachment. Most showers would have a curtain/door so maybe he was sitting on the toilet waiting with a towel for them to come out.

I have a two year old and a one year old and I usually leave them to it in the bath while I get their stuff ready and tidy around a bit. I don't tend to supervise them and they do make a mess.

My dh would definitely not put himself in this position. I would not feel the need to sit on a seat a wait. I would let them have some privacy and maybe pop in with a towel or something if needed.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with what he did but maybe there is. It is a hard call to make and it really depends on how you feel about it. I would have no problem talking to my children (I have 3 teens as well) and I would ask them straight out if they felt uncomfortable and what exactly happened. Its the only way you will get an idea if there was something untoward going on. I don't think it is any harm to have a talk with your dd about boundaries and acceptable behavior from adults especially if she is sleeping over in houses and you are not present.

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 24/09/2010 21:52

AF, twerp really is your word of the day hey!

I've just asked DH and he said he wouldn't put himself in a position where he could be accused of anything and wouldn't watch 2 8yo's shower.

I do think it was unnecessary for the dad to be in there with them from the girls' POV not necessairily the 'paedo' POV, IYSWIM

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/09/2010 22:03

I wonder whether a poster at the beginning of the thread had a good point... that the mum said to her DH to 'make sure you watch the kids at bath-time'. It's the kind of thing I'd say to DH as although he's fine with just DD he probably wouldn't think two girls + water would make a huge mess, go through loads of shower gel/shampoo/conditioner etc.

He probably didn't think how it might look and was sat bored out of his brain making sure the bathroom wasn't trashed. If you generally trust the parents then I'd try not to worry too much and maybe mention at the next sleepover invite that it's okay for DD not to bath or shower, or if she does that you no longer supervise her closely and she just gets you to turn on/off the shower. You could maybe mention that she's getting a bit more conscious of her body. Obviously if there's other things that make your DD uncomfortable then I'd quietly refuse the invites.

Anenome · 24/09/2010 22:08

It's a good point PurpleCrazyHorse

But if I said that to my DH he'd laugh in my face! He would NO way supervise a bath for a friends child.

spikeycow · 24/09/2010 22:17

Don't be daft my post was sarcastic from start to finish! I'd go ballistic

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 24/09/2010 22:28

I did read your post as sarcastic!

spikeycow · 24/09/2010 22:30

I thought everyone would but there are people like that on here so it gets confusing Grin

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