Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

I think it's rude to ask for money in any situation tbh (unless you are applying for a bank loan etc)

A friend did this for her wedding. We got her a toaster...

I'd buy them a gift. A small one. And preferably something not to their taste.

Being asked to give money as a wedding present so they can have a lovely holiday really irritates me.

So, YANBU.

One of DH's work colleagues asked for money to go towards their honeymoon. They actually broke it down though, so you could for example pay for a night in a particular B&B (or towards it). I thought it was odd at the time, but when they returned they sent thankyou cards with a photo of them enjoying the particular part of the honeymoon you contributed towards. It was quite nice actually.

On the whole not a fan of asking for money though.

I can't stand wedding lists or monetary requests.

If we get sent a wedding list I will deliberately buy something NOT on the list, usually something quirky and personal to the bride and groom.

I think a very distant relative once asked for money when they got married so we didnt go to the wedding or get them a gift. Couldnt stand the cheek of it.

I'm not a very nice person though.

YANBU

When we got married after buying a house and living together for 2+ years we sent invites out with no wedding list. As you suggest, if people asked we said we'd quite like John Lewis vouchers to contribute towards new crockery, and if people didn't ask they gave us whatever they wanted, which was fine too. 95% of guests did ask us or our parents though - much nicer to be told that way I think.

I think it's so presumptuous to ask for money like that, regardless of what it's for - let people ask and then they are generally more than happy to contribute.

YANBU I hate wedding lists and demands for money. It always ends up costing a small fortune to go to a wedding without having to pay for the priviledge.

I hate those stupid poems.My cousin used this one

WE HAVEN'T GOT A WEDDING LIST
THE REASONS WE'LL EXPLAIN
IT'S TO SAVE YOU ALL THE HASSLE
AS SHOPPING IS A PAIN

WE THOUGHT WE'D ASK YOU ALL
FOR SOMETHING ELSE INSTEAD
A SMALL CONTRIBUTION
FOR US TO TAKE A HOLIDAY IN THE MED

SO IF YOU'D LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE
TOWARDS OUR HONEYMOON
WE OFFER YOU OUR HEART FELT THANKS
WITH LOVE THE BRIDE AND GROOM

She got nothing from us as I decided I wouldnt go.

What a bloody awful poem! Puke.

I loathe and despise those poems and usually decline the invitation.

What does the poem say?

I have have some truly hideous ones.

I hate those poems. If you're going to ask for money, just ask, don't dress it up in rhyming bloody couplets.

However, I don't mind at all giving money towards a honeymoon. Why is giving people an item better than giving them a lovely experience?

I wouldn't want to hand over cash for some unspecified purpose, but if it's for a honeymoon (ideally a particular bit of the honeymoon) I'm quite happy to contribute.

Of course any mention of gifts - whether for money or not - should come with the caveat that of course no gifts are expected/needed.

It's tacky to mention gifts in an invitation. It's even tackier to say you want money in an invitation. And it's tackiest to use one of those poems. Blech.

And can I just say... fourth wedding?!?! I'm all for people pursuing happiness, but I'd be pretty darn embarrassed to be asking for anything for my fourth wedding.

tbh i would just object to buying anything for someone's forth wedding.

I don't think it's appropriate to ask for anything at a fourth wedding, let alone money.

In my haste to express my hatred of money grabbing poems disguised as invitations I forgot that it was a 4th wedding

That makes it even worse.

Fourth time round = request for no pressies or a donation to a preferred charity.

YABU why can't they ask for money towards something they need instead of you buying them some random crap out of principle.

I don't understand the issue with the idea - the idea of buying someone a gift for their wedding to wish them well is generally seen as normal practice, as are having wedding lists. It doesn't mean you have to buy something but if you are kind enough to do so then the scenario of receiving 12 toasters and things you'll never want/use is avoided. Why not have money in your wedding list rather than objects if that is what you want? I have helped a friend have a dream honeymoon that they could never have afforded themselves this way, another was helped on her way to a house deposit. Surely a much nicer thing than a toaster?!!!
And why should it be any different for a 4th wedding?! Is that any less special or important than a 1st?

My mate did this and I bought her a condiment set! Ha! I was the only person to turn up with an actual gift bt the couple HAD said oh we dont expect everyone to give cash...so I plonked my lonely parcel down and left it there on the table all by itself!

Who cares!? It's rude!

blatantly going against your friend's wishes because you happen to disagree with them? You're right, very rude!

Have you ever read any of the wedding forums like confetti.com?

Most of the brides on there think they are being thoughtful by making life easy for their guests by telling them what gift (money / vouchers) to get...

I'm with penguin on this. I don't think there is anything wrong with wedding lists. There is a perhaps a way of wording the invitation so that the guest doesn't feel obliged to buy something off the list.

I imagine that these days most couple have been living together before tying the knot and already have most things, but years ago the happy couple would have been setting up home for the first time and would need lots of things for the home.

When OH and I got married (29 years ago) we didn't send a list out with the invitation (I do think that is a bit off), but we had a list written down to send to those that asked for it.

A lot of MIL's friends gave us presents, most of which got taken to the charity shop - nylon sheets anyone?

Besides which, if you've been married before, you don't have a lot of stuff that you need. However, you might really, really need a nice holiday.

I suppose people are concerned that they might donate some money, and it will be less than others give, and then they'll be thought to be stingy?
Would it be OK to be sent the details of a special bank account, so that you could give money as a present without them knowing who actually gave how much?
I'm not planning on doing this, or on getting married. If my DP and I were getting married though we'd be struggling to afford a honeymoon, and the best present we could have would be some help towards it.

YANBU.

I really hate giving money for a wedding present. It denies me the fun of going through the wedding list, choosing something, going out to buy it and then wrapping it up.

4th wedding! They should blooming elope and be done with it. I don't think I'd even go. My dad said that to my sis and I (both married twice now), he'd attend one wedding per child