Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

Perhaps you should write a book Curly: "Wedding Etiquette and The Social Niceties Of Modern Britain".

You keep it to yourself. You presume. But you are not everyone. I think if those people who are offended by so much just chilled out a little, they would enjoy life more on a day to day basis.

Next time I get a wedding invite with a request for money, I'm going to give them, for the first time in my life, a toaster.

If you've got all you need then you don't need anything.

I'm not offended personally, I just think people who put money requests in invites are grabby, thoughtless, rude and vulgar.

It's funny how such folks get so bent out of shape and try to justify their rudeness all manner of ways.

Funny - I never thought of myself as rude, money grabbing, offensive, greedy, nasty etc before. But clearly I am, because the readers of AIBU have decided so. Oh well. Time to go and be offensive elsewhere.

Can't read through all thread but have to just have my usual moan at extended family member, who's a MILLIONAIRE, having a) made us travel to far flung place as their wedding was being held in one of their lovely foreign homes (wonderful for them, but quite pricey for us to do, as had no option but to turn it in to our summer holiday, in area we might not have chosen otherwise. Oh and we had to find own accommodation in said remote and pricey area) and then, then b) ASKED WEDDING GUESTS FOR MONEY FOR THEIR 6 MONTHS OFF ROUND THE WORLD HONEYMOON....

...you didn't need my money, extended family member- you're a millionaire, we are very much not millionaires. Why, why, why did it seem okay to ask normal folk for their hard earned cash????

I know I'm going to be in my nursing home and still getting wound up about this...

Good lord expat, are you still trotting out the 'greedy, grabby' line? It's been 2 days. You must be exhausted!

You're still keeping tabs on it, bean. Says just as much about you as me.

I've looked back for the first time in 24 hours. You've been repeating yourself for 2 days. I'll be back again tomorrow afternoon, specifically to count the number of times you've used the word 'grabby'.

How flattering! Another stalker!

Come on back.

Nah expat - it's you who's getting bent out of shape as you think it's vulgar, money grabbing etc.

No, you're clearly not offended, just clearly very judgemental.

I'm not at all bent out of shape. I've already stated I decline such invites.

It's mildly amusing how het up some are at the opinions of internet sprites and flinging insults at them because of their opinions and someone taking time out of their Saturday to tally up the posts of some random stranger online.

Riiight ... so are we trying to suggest now that asking for money is in some way not greedy or money-grabbing? Isn't it practically the definition of money-grabbing?

Well no it isn't.

My point is that many cultures within the UK have traditions where money as opposed to something wrapped in paper is the norm for a gift.

In most traditions people do give gifts at weddings.

So what's the issue. I really don't get this.

Even if a friend asked for money for a wedding I wouldn't be offeneded or shocked. You go or don't go. You give stipulated gift or you don't.

Personally I only go to weddings of people I love - and I just fall in to what they want. I don't find it a big personal sacrifice.

I don't have a problem with wedding lists - but not to be sent out with the invite! It's almost like charging for a ticket! I think it's fine to say that if anyone would like to see the wedding list they can contact the bride's mum (or whoever is co-ordinating it - this should definitely NOT be the bride or groom themselves). I also hate wedding lists at a specific shop cos then everybody knows what you paid for the present.
I think asking for money for something specific is OK but only when the guest asks you if there is anything you would like.

Ridiculous.

Who has a wedding on their fourth marriage?

"Answer: a gauche person who asks for money as a gift.

You want a holiday? Do what everyone else does and pay for it yourself.

'And why should it be any different for a 4th wedding?! Is that any less special or important than a 1st?'

As someone who's been married three times, yes.

Send them a card with no money it, one you've made yourself it's cheaper, and preferably from recycled materials because they are going to throw it away.

X this loser off your list, too."

My cousin got married last year. She had been living at home with her parents after leaving university, though, as her fiance was deployed in Afghanistan and everyone knew she'd be moving to Italy after the wedding. So she had no list, but didn't say anything one way or another.

I just gave her £50 and that was that.

No need for a tacky poem. It's insulting because it presumes your guests are tasteless morons who will always give you something you don't want.

'I thought the point of giving a gift was to benefit the person you give to. The fact is, some people need money more than they need a bloody toaster or ornamental vase.'

I thought the point of throwing a celebration party, any celebration party, was to invite people to celebrate, not to demand gifts of any sorts or dictate to others what gift you want and make it clear no gift is acceptable but money.

If you need money so badly that you have to beg, demand or guilt it from guests, you really shouldn't be having a wedding. Just go to the Registry Office.

And it's pretty sad to assume all you're going to get is a 'bloody toaster or ornamental vase.'

Since I know such grabby gits are going to charity shop any gift they get other than cold hard cash, I don't waste my time or money and decline such invites. If it's one of those where you have to go, then well, they're going to charity shop my gift anyhow, so I go ahead and give the cash straight to the charity in their name.

This is quite strong - so who's het up?

Hmm.

Never heard of anywhere where it's the norm to ask for money.

It must be nice to be so rich giving money is never a sacrifice.

You're pretty het up to dig up every single post of one poster's on a thread with over 250 posts, and take the time to cut and paste bits of them (which isn't such a breeze on here as on other forums) - badly, without quotes so no one really knows what the hell or who the hell you're talking about and quoting - on a post, to argue with that particular poster, a total stranger, to try to prove that you are right and they are wrong.

It's also stalkerish, tbh, given that there's probably - I'm not going to go back and count - a fair number who agree with her.

But please, carry on . . .

As usual, people are deliberately missing the point. Expat, myself and many others have said that we most often 'give' money as a 'gift'. It is no longer a 'gift' if it is requested. And however much you decry it, a peom or a story about how you need nothing and would appreciate a holiday, enclosed in an invitation is asking for money. Which Is vulgar, crass and grabby.

Perhaps the truth hurts?

Better watch out, perfumed, you'll have stalkers taking tally on your posts, splicing them all over the place, etc.

Bizarre.

It really is, people post on AIBU, then bend themselves out of shape when other's happen to hold a different viewpoint. Why not accept that many differ?

Ariesgirl, I know I'm not everyone! But why risk offending anyone on one of the happiest days of your life.

Are my feelings and opinions worth so much less than the next person on the guest list just because my views differ from yours.

FWIW, I LOVE weddings, and would comply with any wish the bride and groom made, however bizzare they may be. As a guest, it's about being there to celebrate and share in the happiness of someone else. I just find it very hard to understand a couple that would rather make sure they get money at the risk of offending some people. I don't mean being offended to the point of not going or holding it against the bride abd groom in any major way, ( people that react that strongly probably would do well to chill a bit) but even the thought of someone being a little offended on my special day would be enough to put me off doing it.

Maybe my opinion is slightly clouded by the close friend of mine that got married two years ago, who asked for money in with her invitations. They did do it very politely, although they didn't say what the money was for. It wasn't a huge wedding and most of the guests were close friends and family, so they had told people personally that they would probably use any money given to pay for the wedding. I honestly didn't mind that at all, they were struggling a bit, had been waiting to get married for years, so I think everyone would have been happy to contribute to them having a lovely day. Then I was at her house on day when a rsvp arrived in the post to say that two of the guests were unable to attend. My friends reaction was 'I don't mind them not coming, but where's the money?' She genuinely thought they should have sent some money even when they weren't going to attend. I was so shocked that she could think that way, I thought she was much more gracious than that, but obviously I didn't know her as well as I thought. So that little story that I'm sure bored you all, has without a doubt made me think differently about people asking for money.

Like I said earlier, people were very generous at our wedding, but we did have guest that gave nothing. He was an old friend of my DH's that was going through a divorce and was in a horrible financial situation. I would have hated him to feel guilty that he couldn't give us something that we had asked for simply because he couldn't afford it. It meant alot that he even came because the petrol probably cost him £50 that he didn't have.

I wasn't going to come back to this thread but just wanted to say one more thing! I agree with you to a point, curly, but the thing is, people get SO precious about weddings it's untrue. Someone somewhere will be offended by the tiniest little thing. I have given the example of my sister's MIL who was offended by the venue (i.e not a Catholic church), the music, my sister's dress (short not long with a veil) and the fact that she had a small, discreet tattoo that she hadn't known about. Others are offended by seating plans. Others are offended by the choice of bridesmaids. It's such a minefield that it is simply impossible to avoid "risking offending anyone". And like I said, back then I had no idea it could be considered by some to be so distasteful and certainly no one gave me any hint. Naive perhaps? But not money grabbing, nasty, greedy, presumptuous and all the other choice adjectives which have been used today.That's all.

Fair enough Aries! I see your point too, people do get very precious about weddings, and in all the examples you have just listed, people do just need to chill out!

I offended my Granny in one of those ways, but she is the sort of person that will be offened at anything. It's so true that as a bride, you can never please everyone!

I think 10 years from now it will seem much more normal, it's our generation of weddings that's paving the way for our kids to be able to ask for money without the likes of me being offened

:)

Yep, it is vulgar to ask for money and I don't think that believing this to be the case makes one 'sensitive'.

Do people really invite guests and automatically expect a gift?! Sorry, but it smacks of selfishness and materialism. And asking for money is just shudder

Surely the point of a wedding is the marriage and not the cost of this or that? It's very sad.

I think the wording is critical, though, and if you say "If you would like to give a gift, here's our list..." that's fine. But to expect it (and then follow up with a card!) is quite bad taste and I'd be distancing myself from such saddos, frankly.