Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

Surely some people genuinely DO NOT want gifts - I am in the fortunate position of havinga comfortable home and lifestyle - I really have no room for any more towels, picture frames, vases etc. For a big birthday recently I had a party for friends but put very clearly on the invitation 'no gifts please' - its a bit embarassing to write that as it sort of presumes you might be expecting gifts - anyway, it worked apart from a few bottles of wine (always acceptable and some plants - which always die as anyone who knows me knows I am not a gardener. We also did the same for DS's christening - we really did not want loads of 'tat'. Godparents did give presents, which were lovely, but it was a big party and the thought of 50 plus presents would have been horrifying.

I love 'charity' gifts but appreciate not everyone does. I would love to put 'no gifts' on son's birthday party invites but I don't - but 90% of the presents go straight to the charity shop - I am more than happy to give cash for a child's birthday.

Sorry, a lot of waffle ...... but maybe some people really don't want wedding gifts. The thought that you should give something 'in return' for your entertainment is a bit stupid, IMO.

Spiritmum that's fantastic. There is so much greed and commercialism wrapped around weddings these days people lose sight of what's important. When DH and I were married in 1982 we asked for donations to the Labour party. I think now I'd like a refund from them or a peerage.

If someone really doesn't want a gift then you can sponsor various size bits of woodland through The Woodland Trust - we did this for the dc and they can visit their trees.

I like gift lists. Over the years all my friends who have got married have had one and they have always included single items such as one wooden spoon etc for those of us who are strapped for cash at the time. I prefer this as I would never go to a wedding empty handed but if they had not specified and I ended up giving them cash, it would probably be more than I would have spent on a wanted gift (£7.25 in an envelope doesn't seem very generous).

Nothing wrong with a gift list and a note saying 'your company is enough, however if you wold like to get us something to start married life we would very much appreciate...'. Same as going to someone's house for dinner, you always bring something, and with a wedding gift list you know you will not be doubling up/filling their house with stuff they don't have space for.

I have absolutely no problem with gift lists being included in a wedding invitation - there is never any mention that a gift HAS to be bought, IME. I am not very imaginative so it saves the pressure of having to think of something original, and also as mentioned before, buying "off list" means running the risk of getting something not to the B+G's taste.

Also nowadays there are a lot of marriages where the B+G are from different cultures where a monetary gift is the norm - I am Hindu and my husband is white, we have been together for 12 years and lived together for four years before we got married. The usual wording is "no boxed gifts" on Indian wedding invites, and this is what we used. We got cash, cheques, and from very close friends, something they knew we would like - but some guests did not get us anything which was also fine!

minipie i got my friend a framed poster from this crowd I picked a vintage travel poster of the city they were spending their honeymoon in but there are lots of cool posters
For my own tuppence worth I always think it is nice that my Mum still has things which were wedding presents. She remembers who gave them to her, often long gone now and they were obviously really good quality things which have lasted. So I guess I am on the wedding list side of things. anyway who are all these folk who have everything they need! I would love decent crockery, quality cotton sheets, le creuset stuff etc and would really appreciate anything I was given

I wouldn't mind being asked for cash at all, if I knew the couple involved were a bit financially challenged. I'd prefer a setup where I could give anonymously (I'm a bit skint too, so maybe couldn't give a much as others), but I would be fine with it.
When my brother got married, he and his fiancee worked really hard to provide a good do for their family. They cut some corners, haggled a bit, and got what they wanted - all their family and best friends sat down for a nice roast dinner together.
They weren't going on honeymoon, just a couple of nights in a B+B in Norfolk, so a few of us chipped in together to upgrade their room and sent them off with a surprise envelope of cash so they had plenty of spending money. We couldn't afford to send them abroad on honeymoon, but we could afford to make sure they could buy some nice meals while away and relax about money for a few days. We appreciated the effort they had made to include so many in their day, and the sacrifice that had represented for them. I would have been perfectly happy if they'd mentioned that cash would have been more useful than presents. I thought the point of giving a gift was to benefit the person you give to. The fact is, some people need money more than they need a bloody toaster or ornamental vase.
(I wish people had pinned envelopes of money on me when I got hitched).

9 times out of 10 I do give money as a wedding gift.

I have no problem with lists, either.

My cousin got married last year. She had been living at home with her parents after leaving university, though, as her fiance was deployed in Afghanistan and everyone knew she'd be moving to Italy after the wedding. So she had no list, but didn't say anything one way or another.

I just gave her £50 and that was that.

No need for a tacky poem. It's insulting because it presumes your guests are tasteless morons who will always give you something you don't want.

'I thought the point of giving a gift was to benefit the person you give to. The fact is, some people need money more than they need a bloody toaster or ornamental vase.'

I thought the point of throwing a celebration party, any celebration party, was to invite people to celebrate, not to demand gifts of any sorts or dictate to others what gift you want and make it clear no gift is acceptable but money.

If you need money so badly that you have to beg, demand or guilt it from guests, you really shouldn't be having a wedding. Just go to the Registry Office.

And it's pretty sad to assume all you're going to get is a 'bloody toaster or ornamental vase.'

Since I know such grabby gits are going to charity shop any gift they get other than cold hard cash, I don't waste my time or money and decline such invites. If it's one of those where you have to go, then well, they're going to charity shop my gift anyhow, so I go ahead and give the cash straight to the charity in their name.

How revolting to ask for money blatantly! I agree with everyone else who has said that you shouldn't have a wedding you can't afford and only invite loads of people in the expectation that the more people you invite the more cash you'll get together for your honeymoon. I feel especially annoyed at this kind of request when the B&G are not particularly well known to me.

Personally I prefer giving money. I hate shopping and I'm crap at choosing gifts. I only buy presents if the person specifies what they want [apart from very young children]. The only issue is to wait to be asked, rather than asking upfront, as the person may not be able to afford anything, and thats fine as well.
So as far as I am concerned freebuttonbee you have followed correct ettiquette. Hope your guests appreciate this.

It's definitely a British thing to not like giving money. I'm in E Europe and it's totally expected that you'll give cash. A friend went to a wedding on Saturday where a microphone was passed round for each guest to say how much they were giving

Oh fgs, what's so terrible about wanting contributions to a honeymoon? I really don't understand some of the responses here. Yes, a (probably badly worded) poem is gauche and a bit tasteless, but ultimately they're just saying 'If you'd like to give us something, you could contribute to a holiday to celebrate our marriage'. Most people go on a honeymoon if they can afford it, but most people can probably afford their own toaster too. You don't mind buying the toaster, so why do you mind giving the same amount of money for a night in a B&B or whatever? I doubt these poems are saying 'You MUST give us money', so if you don't want to give a donation, just don't bloody give one. What's the point of spending emotional energy venting about it, or money on a present you know they'll hate as some kind of petty revenge - revenge for what, exactly? Good god.

At Asian weddings it's traditional for guests to pin money on the bride and groom, so really, what's the difference? Of course, to be able to pin it, it has to be notes not coins - I've never seen so many Scottish pound notes in my life (and the wedding wasn't in Scotland... )

It is a British thing, but well, this is Britain.

I love the way there's always this evil sense of foreboding.... "YOU MIGHT GET A TOASTER IF YOU DON'T ASK"

I'd have used a toaster if I'd got one! Why is a toaster evil?!

Like I say - we didn't ask or specify (or care really). People were generous and we didn't anticipate just how generous people would be - we used the money well for things we'll use for years (heck a chunk from the in-laws went into a house deposit), and the tangible gifts we were given will be kept and remembered and used as well (the quilt my mum made would be a future family heirloom - except we can't have a family!)... we just wanted people there to share the day.

I just didn't want my wedding list to be reduced to "who can I invite who'll give me stuff" levels which asking for gifts felt like it would be for me.

We didn't even have a honeymoon by the way - although our in-laws gave us a fairly hefty cheque as a present (basically the financial equivalent of what they'd spent on SIL's wedding) and bugged us to book a holiday - it went towards the deposit for our first bought house which they were happy with (my husband never being one to throw money away on fripperies.... good job I am :D ). I'm not a holiday-ey person, neither of us are, hubby whines about the heat, and I like my home comforts!

Ilovemangoes, that is a very good point

You would never see this sort of backlash over a Greek wedding! DH and I went to a wedding in France a few years ago and were fretting about a present for them, whether to buy it here and take it and risk it getting broken on the plane, or try and find some time the day before the wedding to buy something in France.

DH's French colleague said it is totally acceptable in France to give the couple cash, so we did that instead.

Equally, when DH and I got married, his colleagues had a whip around at work, and got us some currency for the country we were going to for our honeymoon, which was really appreciated.

'At Asian weddings it's traditional for guests to pin money on the bride and groom, so really, what's the difference?'

The difference is that this is not Asia.

I've never bought a toaster as a wedding gift in my life.

It's insulting that it's automatically assumed if the guests aren't told to 'give' cash, they're morons who will give you stuff you don't want.

I'd love a holiday. I think I'll start throwing dinner parties and tell people to give me money in the invite. I'll serve them crap food they don't like and cheap, nasty wine and be niggardly with it, too.

You'd never see this backlash in a Latin American wedding, either.

But this isn't Latin America.

Go marry a Greek and have your wedding in Greece then.

minipie how about tickets for an event they'd like?

We have moved onto this after a drastic de cluttering of the house (junk room now a nursery) and have had fab days at this years Gadget Show Live, RHS Tatton Park Flower Show and fed penguins at the zoo

FreeButtonBee - Congratulations! I hope you have a wonderful wedding day and wish you a wonderful marriage

Expat, if you are even a fraction as bitter about wedding etiquette in RL as you are on here, I'd be amazed if you ever got invited to any...

I wonder if people who refuse to buy from a list have some sort of superior complex where they believe their taste is much better than other peoples, therefore something they chose as a gift will be superior to anything they could have found for their list.

As lots of other people have mentioned, it isn't about finding them some lovely object d'art which they can treasure forever. It is about something the couple want or need. For some people, it is a vase. For others, it is a holiday to relax after the stress of organising a wedding and no doubt having to deal with all the whingers who don't like some aspect of they way they organised it.

If you are prepared to spend £20/50/100 on the couple, why on earth not spend it on something which will make them happy?

We asked for money - but only when pressed for a gift idea. Nothing about gifts was mentioned on the invites.

It's difficult to answer 'what would you like' when you've been living together for a while and have everything you need.

spare, if you're even a fraction as grabby or greedy and assuming that your guest are morons as it comes across, i'm surprised you h ave any friends at all.

i've been to over 100 weddings. my mother has 52 first cousins on her father's side. my father is one of 6 kids.

i have no problem with lists. have already said so.

and i've also stated that 9 times out of 10, i give money.

but when it's demanded, i either don't give it or don't go.

I'd assume a couple who've been living together a while have everything they need and give them money.

Most intelligent people will.

So again, it's insulting to assume they're all stupid and tasteless so dictate what you want like a 5-year-old in a letter to Santa.

I send them a list of what I feel like giving them and let them choose.