Wedding gift etiquette

[petal2008]

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

ha, I love all this talk of ettiquette books!

We all pride ourselves on being modern, open minded, forward thinking people, embracing technology and all this brave new world has to offer.

We feel able to ask men out if we so wish, we have friends over for informal dinner parties after inviting them by text message, we breastfeed in public.

But why oh why do some people receive a wedding invitation and suddendly revert to some comical interpretation of a Victorian-era Mrs Manners?

You're not in a PG Woodhouse drama, people. This is the 21st Century and the couple who have invited you are supposed to be your friends.

I don't believe for a second that any of you are well-versed in Debrettes, so quoting sections of what is correct wedding ettiqute just smacks of Hyacynth Bucket...

minipie,

a voucher for their favourite shop? dinner at their favourite restaurant?

Sparechange - its not the wedding list i object to, its asking for money.

Poems asking for money are vulgar, but I would tolerate a politely worded statement of preferance with no expectation. I'm more that happy to get a list in with the invitation, as long as there are gifts with a variety of prices on it, to show that they are not just money grabbing.

The point of giving a gift is that you want to give something that the couple will like and need. Nobody needs a honeymoon. Or a big wedding that they can't afford to pay for by themselves.

I don't buy the arguement that it costs £20 - £120 per head at weddings, as the hosts, it's up to the bride and groom how much they spend per guest, and the food is their choice. I don't care how much my salmon or melon starter cost, I can assure you that I would probably enjoy a quater pounder with cheese much more.

Spare change, I think I remember from my wedding planning that Debretts say it is acceptable to send a wedding gift list, but not to ask for money. I'm going to have to check now.

I'm !! Debretts have recently changed their guidelines, and apparantly it is now acceptable to ask for money.

They have gone way down in my estimation!

Curly, do you also consult Debretts before sending out invitations to parties?

Have you considered putting your DD forward for the Debutantes Ball and that season of husband hunting charity work that nice young girls with manners do when they are 18?

Why do people insist weddings have to be anchored in the past! It isn't like we all gather up our petitcoats and faint with shock when we don't get a formal thank you card from someone who came over for dinner, and I'm sure the etiquette books would consider that to be a mortal sin.

I have posted before on a similar topic to this - my SIL asked for money towards "their new kitchen"

That was three years ago and we still have not seen this new kitchen.

I am really not comfortable with being asked for money - particularly as this couple both have very well paid jobs.

Sorry

minipie - for one couple whose wedding we went to, I got a recipe file from Paperchase and wrote some nice recipes from my family archives that I hoped my friends would enjoy. Then they could add their own recipes as the years went on. that plus a large slab of choc from hotel choclat went down very well :o

No, but I like traditional weddings! And I wish I'd got to go to a debutante ball!

I just think the fact that alot of people think that asking for money is rude and offensive means that you shouldn't do it. And if you are going to, be honest and heartfelt, don't hide behind a tacky poem.

curlymama- you're right. Debrett's do indeed state that gift lists can be included with the wedding invitation. It also doesn't appear to have an issue with asking for money, saying it is a practical gift, although should be for something specific, like the honeymoon, and the bride and groom should give details.

It does state that 'This often has a mixed reaction, usually because of generational differences and traditional expectations'. But doesn't veto it.

I prefer a gift list, tbh. I always take a gift to any kind of celebratory party and frankly am glad to be relieved of the task of choosing something, considering I have enough to do with Christmas and birthdays for my large family. Additionally, I really would rather get the b & g something they'd really like. I don't particularly care if they need it or it's practical. I do like giving frippery-type gifts.

There is nothing wrong with wedding lists whatsoever. It's just that you should wait until the guest ASKS about gifts, then you point them in the list direction. You don't put the list in with the invitation.

In a nutshell, the couple should never, ever be the ones to mention gifts first.

And asking for cash in lieu of presents would be rude in any other situation. 'What would you like for your 50th birthday?' 'Cash please' "We'd love to get you a gift for your newborn baby - what would be useful?''Cash please' So why is it not rude for a wedding?

I will say, however, that both of the above are so commonplace now that MOST people aren't offended. So there may be an argument that the etiquette is evolving..

Dance - I've thought about a voucher for a nice shop as a back up option but it just seems so boring, like we couldn't think of anything more personal (which of course is true at the moment!!) Still there as a decent back up though.

Dinner in a fab restaurant is a good idea. Only thing is, they got us dinner in a fab restaurant as our wedding present, so again am worried it might seem a bit of a lazy option ...?

kveta - that's a very nice idea. Sadly we have no family recipe archives!

We're happy to spend a reasonable amount but are just completely out of ideas. Had thought Le Creuset but another friend did that already...

please keep 'em coming! (maybe I should start a new thread?)

I hate wedding lists and I loathe those "give us cash" poems. Got married this year and I refused to do a wedding list or request cash because it just - well it just felt vulgar to me. Possibly because SIL had got married the previous year and sent a long letter saying they wanted money, wouldn't accept vouchers because they didn't trust the firms you gave them vouchers for wouldn't go bust... it just really really really annoyed me.

So when we got married - I left it, told my mum that we needed a few bits of furniture for the house that we wanted to get from Ikea (I know I know - evil meatball empire but the rest of our stuff matched from there) so if anyone was struggling - she could point them in that direction but we really weren't fussed about any presents at all, we just wanted to get married, get fed, get drunk!

In the end we got lots of cheques and money - but because we hadn't asked for it, it felt much more freely given if you get what I mean - we bought the wardrobes we needed for the house and a few other bits and bobs and the rest of what we got went into the house deposit fund. Incidentally the best present we got all that day was a silly little Nodding Nessie from the best man (think the Churchill dog type thing) that was guarding a box of chocolates - something totally daft but it cracked us up and still lives in the back of my car now. We also had a lot of people who gave gifts of time and skills since we were doing things on a shoe-string - my lil bro did the photos, his girlfriend made the cake, and somewhere along the line the local youth club volunteered to decorate the reception hall as they'd never had a wedding to be let loose and play with before (they quite regularly decorate, waitress and organize theme meal nights as their fundraisers and I think they wanted something new to play with)! I think in the end half the village got involved since it was their new community building and they'd never had a wedding reception there before - which was incredible.

We were about as un-bridezillaish as it went though - no seating plans or formal menus... just a massive buffet, sit where you like and just enjoy things - but I hate the whole formal wedding flim flam and even got married in Cadbury Purple as a dress.

minipie - by family recipes, I mean some which mum had made up, but mainly it was just a selection of things we really like eating at home! So my favourite banana bread recipe, a nice pasta sauce, cookie recipe I'd adopted from a packet some years ago - that kind of thing. I think I put 10 recipes in total, with little comments on variations, or if it's a good one to freeze/reheat.

Hmm, looks like me and DP have some really classy friends... We went to four weddings in the last year or so:
1 ? my DB's wedding, no gift list, so i asked what would they like, they said some books would be nice and gave me a list to choose from. OK
2 ? my friend ? ?wishing well? poem sent with an invitation. NOT OK
3 - DP's friend ? request for money or Thomas Cook vouchers sent with an invitation. NOT OK
4 - DP's friend ? invitation stating that dinner will be £20 per head plus information on which website their gift list can be found! DEFINITELY NOT OK.
And we have complied with all those wishes, because we're naive good guests

asking for money towards their honeymoon isnt rude at all. only in britain do we moan about money as gifts. whats better than giving them a wonderful experience theyl treasure forever? long after the life span of a toaster of bed sheets.

wedding gifts should not be something the bride and groom need (cheese anyone?) it should be something special that they want. A holiday/honeymoon is perfect, and no little difference between that and dinner somewhere nice.

minipie have you asked them if there is a list/preference? They may be being polite and not wanting to assume that you are giving them a gift.

Otherwise, if they got you a lovely meal, then you can be assured that they would think that it is a lovely gift for them too. :)

MrsTM yes I asked (I hoped they would have one up their sleeve!). Unfortunately there isn't a list, and they just said "oh you don't need to get us anything" (very helpful )

Lovely dinner is looking like a contender.

Or maybe some nice wine.

Nice woollen picnic blanket maybe?

'Look at it this way, if they are providing a nice meal and entertainment for you, then isn't that a nice thing to do?'

Restaurants provide nice meals for paying guests. Cinemas provide entertainment for paying guests.

A wedding is an event.

When you throw a dinner party, do you expect your guests to give you cash so you can go on a mini-break, or are you doing it for the fun of throwing a party?

That's teh difference.

Want a honeymoon or holiday? Either pay for it yourself or charge your guests admission to your circus wedding. It's the more honest thing to do.

I'd decline any invite where I was told to pay to contribute to the host's honeymoon.

I'd rather just go to a restaurant and then see a film after. At least then I can chose what type of food I want to eat and what type of entertainment I prefer.

I have no interest in people who feel they're doing me a favour by inviting me to eat and be entertained and expect money in return for it.

Not read whole thread but I really don't care in what form friends or family want/receive a wedding gift from me. I will always give a gift, I would want to, and it makes no difference to me whether they have the (say) £50 as a cheque, a voucher or as something from their gift list. Makes no difference at all to me, and if that's what they want, then fine...

What about something like a nice picnic basket set with a bottle of wine in? (It's the time of year when they're probably reduced in the sales as well!)

I'd probably go with the lovely meal idea - really nice to take up on after the whole wedding hoo-hah's died down and reality's kicking in again - something to go out to as a couple and feel special once more.

Minipie, a lovely picnic hamper would be sooooooooo nice. Kind of thing you never buy yourself but that you really get enjoyment out of.

I'm happy with gift lists because I do understand that some people kit themselves out at IKEA when they get together and want to upgrade to JL. But I don't like the honeymoon thing, esp, 'a fiver will buy us cocktails on the terrace £50 a ride on a camel' type lists. Yuk. Makes me want to send back an Oxfam Good Gifts catalogue with a gift card for a goat. Or WaterAid: 'and a fiver means this child might not die this year...'

I now know people whose childrens' birthday parties include a request for cash gifts only.

I shit you not.

I don't have a problem with wedding lists at all.

But cash?

Fuck it, I'll just go to a restaurant and then a film, concert, comedy gig, etc. afterwards in honour of your big day.

Want a holiday? Go buy it yourself.

This might sound a bit pious but I always like it when people say no gifts but a donation to X charity would be lovely. I think if you are about to be married for the fourth time then you already have your share of toasters and you could do with the good karma. Sorry to sound like an old hippy.

Sue, not a wedding but my mum did that, she asked for donations for her 60th birthday to the NICU that saved dd1. Bloody marvellous it was too, they got sent over three grand.