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Original poster

Wedding gift etiquette

275 replies

petal2008 · 22/09/2010 16:41

We have been invited to a friend's fourth (!) wedding.

Along with the invitation was a poem basically saying don't buy a gift as we have got everything we need - we want the money to go on holiday.

Surely it's up to us to ask if there is a wedding list and be told "actually we haven't got one but a voucher or the cash would be nice".

My DH says I'm being too sensitive as would be spending money on a gift anyway so we I won't have to worry about going out to buy anything. I know all this is true but feel a bit pissed off about it.

I've got a special birthday this year but won't invite people to my party saying don't bother about the present but I'll have the money.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 22/09/2010 18:52

YANBU It is rude and vulgar, as is a fourth wedding. FGS, why have a wedding, have a revolving door.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2010 18:53

Decline.

Ridiculous.

Who has a wedding on their fourth marriage?

Answer: a gauche person who asks for money as a gift.

You want a holiday? Do what everyone else does and pay for it yourself.

'And why should it be any different for a 4th wedding?! Is that any less special or important than a 1st?'

As someone who's been married three times, yes.

Send them a card with no money it, one you've made yourself it's cheaper, and preferably from recycled materials because they are going to throw it away.

X this loser off your list, too.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/09/2010 18:54

Agree expat.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2010 18:57

A gift should be a token from the giver. A host a) expecting a gift at all b) dictating the parameters of the gift means it's not a gift anymore. It's an expectation and a demand.

Don't need anything, don't ask for anything.

If you had a dinner party, do you ask for money because you want cash for something? Why not just charge admission and be more honest.

Ragwort · 22/09/2010 19:01

Petal - do you even want to go to the wedding?

It is downright rude to ask for a gift for a fourth wedding.

I went to a second wedding recently, having been to the first one (friends with the groom) I just did not take a gift. It should not be 'expected' that you take presents - and yes, I am on my second marriage - we had a very small ceremony (five guests Grin) and certainly did not expect presents - didn't get any either !

splashy · 22/09/2010 19:05

I really don't see anything wrong with wedding lists, which some people have complained about. Surely you would be happy to get the bride and groom something they need and want rather than a fourth toaster?

Think for a fourth wedding a request for donations to a particular charity if guests want to give anything is more appropriate though. They have everything they need!

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/09/2010 19:11

YANBU, regardless of how many weddings shes had its tacky to ask for money. If she wants a holiday then she should pay for it herself like everyone else does.

Asking for cash gifts at weddings is a pet hate of mine, you may as well just bill the guest for entry or the cost of the meal. If people cant afford their wedding then downscale it or save for longer, dont expect guests to fund it.

TiggyD · 22/09/2010 19:16

Send them a poem.

I think that you are right to say
Buying wedding gifts are a pain.
You must find it hard to keep track of yours
when you get married again and again....and again.

Instead I bought you a wedding gift
after a long and careful hunt.
It's a toaster and if you hate it,
ebay it you picky cunt!

musicmadness · 22/09/2010 19:21

I really don't get this aversion so many people have to someone asking for money as a wedding present. Hmm a choice between a load of crap that they already have (and that will end up in a landfill/charity shop) or a nice holiday. I know which one I'd rather have!

annec555 · 22/09/2010 19:26

I know someone who was invited to a wedding where the wedding list was at the Conran Shop! Everyone was pretty annoyed at the expensive gifts on the list. And then even more annoyed when they went to the wedding and found out that there was one list for the London guests who were considered to be well off, and another list at John Lewis for everyone else!
Apparently several people walked out of the wedding and didn't speak to the bride and groom again.

bigfootbeliever · 22/09/2010 19:26

When I said that I deliberately don't choose from a wedding list and choose to buy something quirky and personal, I wasnt meaning a toaster Grin

For some friends we bought a limited edition Beryl Cook print for example, which certainly wasn't on their John Lewis list.

They had lived together for 5 years and had a gorgeous house with everything they needed and I objected to upgrading their already very nice kitchen equipment.

People seem opposed on this issue and it is clearly down to personal choice.

I choose to say f* the wedding list.

serendipity16 · 22/09/2010 19:31

TiggyD - Love the poem Grin

My BIL got married 2 years ago & they also asked for money. Personally i thought it was rude to ask for money for their honeymoon. I just saw it as, if you can't afford a honeymoon don't spend 15k on the wedding.

Anyway my suggestion to my husband was to buy them one of those oxfam gifts, i was thinking a goat.
However my suggestion was considered racist as shes asian & would have offended her.
All the rest of the family were giving them £100+ which we couldn't afford.

pearlsandtwinset · 22/09/2010 19:37

I like to give something someone will remember for years to come and have always balked at money. But I guess they'd remember the honeymoon...

I actually find wedding lists really helpful because I am clearly crap at buying presents then I get them something they really want.

A friend asked for money towards a new sofa which I obliged, wasn't the kind of thing one person could give...

Opinionatedfreak · 22/09/2010 19:55

I'm afraid I don't understand the MN antipathy to wedding lists.

I was always going to buy the couple a present and I would much rather that my hard earned cash went towards something they actually want. Although I did get pissed off with one friend who put a whole pile of stuff on the list to furnish their buy to let property. That was cheeky.

As I get older lots of my friends have the full complement of household kit, they really don't need a slightly better dinner service, or more expensive knives. But they have often forked out a huge amount of money themselves for a posh wedding (it costs > 60quid / person for food alone, I believe at some places).

Therefore I have no hesitation in contributing to a lovely honeymoon.

Another thing that has pissed me of this week is a couple using a 'list service' to get people to donate to their honeymoon costs, however, said list service has a really large credit card surcharge and last year at least several of these companies went bust (Wrapit/ White House company). I therefore want the protection of buying on my card but don't want to pay for it.

Ergo the couple in question are getting a deeply unimaginative cheque.

pegdog · 22/09/2010 19:59

When I asked my nephew for his wedding list last week he replied that they intended to ask for money to pay off the loan they had taken out for the weddding. (He is in quite well-paid employment.) I told him that we are traditionalists and would prefer to give a voucher at least, so asked him what High-Street shop he would like a voucher from. I've never heard of guests being asked to pay for the wedding before!

Balsam · 22/09/2010 20:02

It's considered rude to mention gifts before the guest does (by talking about them in the invite) as it means you're expecting one. It's doubly rude to ask for cash - wedding gifts are traditionally to help the couple set up home. If you've already set up a home, then you don't need anything so you should go without gifts, rather than ask for the cash equivalent.

So both are rude. Add that it's a fourth wedding and you've got a full house of faux pas here.

Buy them an etiquette book.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2010 20:09

What Balsam wrote. So spot on.

taintedpaint · 22/09/2010 20:11

There is an MNer (can't remember her name, sorry!) who went a step further than this and did something like asking wedding guests to pay for their meals (can't remember the exact request, but it was along those lines). It was likened to buying a ticket to the wedding. People seem to have wildly differing thoughts on this, but FWIW, my thought is that I will tolerate (but not like) gift lists, will only send a voucher if I can't attend a wedding and it's the most practical way to give a present (say if the B & G are abroad etc), and will never give money. If a couple asked for money in the invite, especially if there was a seriously tacky poem, the likelihood is that I would not attend the wedding at all. If they included no list but told anyone who then asked that they would like cash, I would go to the wedding, but buy some kind of decorative gift (so they are not doubling up on toasters and kettles IYGWIM). Think that covers all bases!

gtamom · 23/09/2010 10:20

A plaque, with this verse hand painted (lovingly!) by you & your dp.

"On this your special day, remember
Love is grand
Divorce, a hundred grand"

Myleetlepony · 23/09/2010 10:49

Putting aside the 4th wedding issue for a moment.
Is the point of giving a gift to give people something they want, will love, enjoy or treasure? Or is it to give the giver the "fun" of picking something, wrapping it up prettily and then watching the lucky couple open it and saying "Oh, how lovely" while they privately think how nice it would be to afford to go on honeymoon? Or ponder on how they already have exactly the same thing - chucked in the loft. Look at it this way, if they are providing a nice meal and entertainment for you, then isn't that a nice thing to do? It is when you consider that they would really like to be able to afford a honeymoon, and maybe could if they didn't invite you lot at all. They do though, because they want to share the day with you.
Decorative gifts are only nice if you like decorative things cluttering up your house surely?
I can understand why some feel it tacky to ask for money, but when that is what you really need, so that you can afford to enjoy some time away together - what are the couple supposed to do? Get a load of gifts and Ebay them to raise the honeymoon money maybe.

MrsTittleMouse · 23/09/2010 10:59

Yes, Balsam is right. :)

SIL put wedding lists in her invites. I was not impressed, particularly as it had already reached my ears that she didn't want me at the wedding "because MrsTittleMouse and DB will never last!". Hmm

sparechange · 23/09/2010 11:01

Wow, what pleasant people some of you are Hmm
If you refuse to buy presents for a second/third/fourth marriage, do you also refuse to buy someone a present for their 40th birthday if they had a party and got presents for their 30th?

And I wonder what percentage of the presents bought by those who diligently ignore lists go straight in the bin/on eBay.

We had a few non-list presents when DH and I got married. Most were handed over with a slightly smug 'I don't like buying from lists, so we chose something we knew you'd like'
Most went straight in the bin or to a charity shop. If they knew us in the slightest, they would know we hate clutter, so wouldn't want a decorative figurine/vase/quilted satin photo album in a month of sundays.

Still, if it makes people feel better to waste money on pointless tat, then I guess all the people who work in pointless tat shops stay happy. Where else would we go when we needed a condiment set in an emergency?

BunnyLebowski · 23/09/2010 11:03

Grin Grin [grin at Tiggy's poem!!

My cousin sent one of those begging poems in her invitation.

We bought her one of those Oxfam goats

DanceInTheDark · 23/09/2010 11:15

I love TiggyDs poem Grin

Some relatives of ours got married abroad, we couldn't afford to all go but DH did (at a cost similar to our own v small wedding). Their monetary gift request was Thomas Cook vouchers and/or money for their honeymoon Hmm
They got neither.

We still haven;t had a holiday never mind a honeymoon and we got married 2 years ago!

minipie · 23/09/2010 11:15

All you "gift lists are rude" people...

... help me out here!

I have an invitation to the wedding of two good friends. No gift list. We are racking our brains as to what we might get them and really can't think what to choose.

It needs to be something they will like; that they don't already have; and that none of the other 100-odd guests will get them. Argh.

I've tried asking them, they say "oh you really don't have to get us anything!" (but of course we do, indeed we want to).

Any ideas?

See, this is exactly why I love gift lists.

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