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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is actually serious neglect

245 replies

scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:11

DD (almost 15) has been working all hours under the sun during the summer to save up for a trip she wants to go to (and has made me very proud [boasting emoticon])

A neighbour asked her if she'd babysit for them this week, as their childminder had had an accident and was in hospital (she's gonna be ok). 9 hours a day, 7am to 4pm, takes 3yo to nursery at 7.30, looks after 18month old, picks up 3yo at 3pm, pretty straighforward stuff. The family has been living next door for 6 years, we know them quite a bit, have BBQs together etc.

DD went for her first day today and has just called me very upset and doesn't know what to do. Apparently when she arrived 3yo was all dressed so she started dressing 18mo for the school run, mum was still there and said "oh, don't bother with him". DD assumed mum was gonna be there until she went back, but she got back to find the baby all alone cryin hysterically to the point of throwing up. She called the mum and the mum said "don't worry, it's what we noramlly do, it's only 15 minutes and he's used to it. A bit of cryin never hurt anybody".

Now I don't know what to do. First of all, apart from cruel I think it's also dangerous to leave such a young child alone in the house, 15 or 20 minutes is a very long time. Secondly, I don't want DD involved if something were to happen.

AIBU and where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:13

I can't believe I said "cryin" twice. Crying obviously

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 23/08/2010 08:14

Oh my goodness. I suggest that when you see the mother leave, you go round there and wait for your DD to return. And I would speak with your neighbour - see what she says to you, and then think seriously about where to take it from there.

It is illegal for starters.

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 08:15

YANBU

i think your DD needs to stop working there.

i don't know if this is something for SS but it definitely shouldn't be happening. could you speak to your neighbour?

wahwah · 23/08/2010 08:15

It's neglect. Call the Police and social services.

ib · 23/08/2010 08:15

Yanbu. If something happened while he was alone, your daughter would have to deal with it. She should insist on taking him on the school run with her, I cannot understand what the problem with that could possibly be.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/08/2010 08:17

I wouldn't want your daughter in this situation at all. It's definitely neglectful to leave an 18 month old alone in the house for any length of time.

I'm also not convinced that a 14 year old should be taking on a childminding job for two young children, 9 hours a day - that's not a slur on your daughter, it's just a big responsibility.

I'd pull your daughter out of the situation. Do you feel comfortable raising it with the neighbour?

diddl · 23/08/2010 08:19

Oh that is wrong.

Normally only 15mins!!

Until the time something happens to the mother on the way back!

Also, is your daughter old enough to work such long hours & able to look after such young children for such a long time?

belgo · 23/08/2010 08:19

Agree with tortoise - I wouldn't let my dd carry on the job in this situation.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/08/2010 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WelcometotheJungle · 23/08/2010 08:20

Protect your daughter first then call SS re: neglected child if you feel you should.

PhoenixReborn · 23/08/2010 08:20

Firstly I think it may be illeagal for her to work more than 5 hours a day but I think you should check it may only be guidelines

And as for the main part what the hell is that mum thinking, there is no way that is anything other than cruel and dangerous the tot is 18 months and presumably mobile

I would think what does the childminder do is its as stated:

"don't worry, it's what we noramlly do, it's only 15 minutes and he's used to it. A bit of cryin never hurt anybody".

Does that mean the childminder leaves the baby there or is the baby in fact not used to it which is what I would hope

I would seriously consider whether I would be encouraging my daughter not to work there anymore as well as the possiblity of nspcc/social services

loopyloops · 23/08/2010 08:20

This is really upsetting. I just can't believe it.

Unfortunately I agree that DD shouldn't be working there and police and SS should be called. However this will make things very difficult for you and your neighbours, so perhaps you need to talk to the mum first, explain why it is wrong, and make it clear that you will be calling ss/police if they can't give you assurances that it will never happen again.

Poor, poor little boy, this is so horrible. :(

susy80 · 23/08/2010 08:21

I would feel the same. I would never leave my daughter alone in the house like that. Surely it's just common sense - if anything happened to the child the mother would be blamed. Now I smoke 2 cigerettes a day (one in the morning and one at night)and I go outside to smoke them. It takes me about 2-3 minutes but I always put LO in her cot making sure she is safe and quite happy or sleeping if my husband is not home. I even feel guilty about doing this!

loopyloops · 23/08/2010 08:21

Oh, and btw the childminder usually does this? She needs reporting to Ofsted too.

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:21

DD is effectively looking after 1 child for 9 hours a day, as the 3yo is at nursery most of that time, we both feel confident she's up to it.

I'm a bit confused by the comment that "this is what we normally do". Is the regular childminder happy with this?

I suppose I should raise it with her, I just hate the "I'm a better parent than you" type of people and I wouldn't want to come across as one.

OP posts:
belgo · 23/08/2010 08:24

scatteredbraincells - ' I just hate the "I'm a better parent than you" type of people and I wouldn't want to come across as one.'

the fact of the matter is that some parents are better parents then others, and in some circumstances we do need to judge and we do need to take action, for the sake of the child.

ANd of course your own daughter - I think you should pull her out of the situation.

ThatDamnDog · 23/08/2010 08:24

Goodness me! Your poor daughter, she did the right thing to tell you immediately. I think perhaps tonight, if I were you, I'd go and see the neighbour and explain that my daughter won't be able to help under these circumstances, and make it clear why. In fact I think really the right thing to do is to contact social services immediately but obviously your relationship with your neighbours will be compromised. In fact it's unlikely to be the same again anyway so just do it.
Poor child.

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:24

xposted about the childminder

OP posts:
loopyloops · 23/08/2010 08:24

Oh god I'm so riled about this! How bloody hard is it to get the little one ready and take him out too. Why? And what kind of parent will pay a 14 year old for full-time child care? They need a reality check.

GRRR Angry
:(

booyhoo · 23/08/2010 08:25

i know it would come across that way but if she becomes all defensive then you know you have to ring SS because she clearly sees nothing wrong with what she does. i am Shock that the CM might balso be doing this.

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:25

is it really illegal for her to work long hours? Thanks for the tip, will look into it

OP posts:
Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:26

I find it hard to believe this about the CM, smells fishy

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/08/2010 08:28

Where is the 18 month old during this? In his cot? A lot of children at that age are starting to be able to climb out - and he'd certainly have the motivation to try - and no-one, surely, could think it was alright to leave a mobile unrestrained toddler unattended in a house?

Altinkum · 23/08/2010 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 23/08/2010 08:29

agree again with tortoise - 18 months is a very unpredictable age and a child should never be left unsupervised at this age.

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