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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is actually serious neglect

245 replies

scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:11

DD (almost 15) has been working all hours under the sun during the summer to save up for a trip she wants to go to (and has made me very proud [boasting emoticon])

A neighbour asked her if she'd babysit for them this week, as their childminder had had an accident and was in hospital (she's gonna be ok). 9 hours a day, 7am to 4pm, takes 3yo to nursery at 7.30, looks after 18month old, picks up 3yo at 3pm, pretty straighforward stuff. The family has been living next door for 6 years, we know them quite a bit, have BBQs together etc.

DD went for her first day today and has just called me very upset and doesn't know what to do. Apparently when she arrived 3yo was all dressed so she started dressing 18mo for the school run, mum was still there and said "oh, don't bother with him". DD assumed mum was gonna be there until she went back, but she got back to find the baby all alone cryin hysterically to the point of throwing up. She called the mum and the mum said "don't worry, it's what we noramlly do, it's only 15 minutes and he's used to it. A bit of cryin never hurt anybody".

Now I don't know what to do. First of all, apart from cruel I think it's also dangerous to leave such a young child alone in the house, 15 or 20 minutes is a very long time. Secondly, I don't want DD involved if something were to happen.

AIBU and where do I go from here?

OP posts:
loopyloops · 23/08/2010 08:45

I think if you report it and make it clear that you had no idea that it was illegal for DD to be working in this capacity, that will be ok. She only did it for one day, and as soon as you realised the conditions, you made her leave.

I think this should not put you off reporting, please.

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:45

Come to think of it, we leace the house about the same time (just before 7am) and she puts both kids in the car to take them to the CM. So this is not what they "normally" do. Unless the CM leaves 18mo alone in her house??!!? Hard to believe.

Oh, what a headache on a monday morning

Her DD goes to nursery for social reasons

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/08/2010 08:48

That is horrific!

Pull your DD out, and then ring social services. IMO it is for them to do the investigating and establish whether the child is being placed at risk, not for you to be sleuthing and trying to decide whether to call in professional help.

loopyloops · 23/08/2010 08:49

Then speak to her. As soon as you can. And stop DD working there. If she gives you any indication that this is normally what happens, call SS immediately. If it was a misunderstanding, I'd keep an eye on the situation as well as you can, and call them if it appears that the child is left alone.

No I wouldn't, I'd just phone SS actually. Even if it happened just the once, it is patently wrong that the parents think this is acceptable.

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:49

I now wish I had never asked dd work, I can easily afford her trip but I wanted her to take on financial responsibility and she's been working her backside off.

Funny thing is that none of her temporary employers mentioned the regulations and I had no idea

OP posts:
scrappydappydoo · 23/08/2010 08:50

Have to add a voice of agreement that I don't think your dd should be doing this job - I'm sure she is very capable and mature and good on her for working hard to earn money but I think this is more than babysitting and the hours are too long for her age.
As to the 18mth old - well I would be extremely uncomfortable with it as have most people on the thread - could you approach it from your dds angle as in you being concerned about her responsibility of said child and then you might get the truth?

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:52

Has anyone ever contacted the SS? What happens once you do? I've only watched movies where they barge in and snatch children away, I know this is obviously not how it goes, but could someone enlighten me?

They seem like such a lovely family...

OP posts:
sanielle · 23/08/2010 08:52

I don't understand why she cant take the 18 month old with her when she goes to drop the 3 year old off?

btw definintly neglectful... So I'm horrified to find out it is legal from previous post? WTF

missmoopy · 23/08/2010 08:56

OP, I do not think social services will be judgemental about your daughter working there as you have quickly ended it. I am a social worker and i can assure you that leaving an 18 month old alone would be taken seriously - it would warranat a visit at the very least. I am interested in what the 'social reasons' are for dd being sent to nursery? Suggests previous social services intervention?

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:58

no, this is what the mother said when they were looking for a nursery, badly expressed by me. She wants dd to interact with other children her age and get used to a "school" environment, seeing that she's an august baby and will be only 4 when she starts school

OP posts:
Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:59

missmoopy, what would happen? Would there be a phonecall from SS, a visit, a close inspection or what?

OP posts:
Fluffypoms · 23/08/2010 09:02

i think ss would want to do an assessment

loopyloops · 23/08/2010 09:03

call the NSPCC for advice

diddl · 23/08/2010 09:03

OP-your neighbour usually takes both children to CM?

I doubt that the CM leaves the 18month alone!

Perhaps your neighbour didn´t want your daughter to be seen with both children?

missmoopy · 23/08/2010 09:03

It varies from area to area, but there should be a visit which will basically just raise the concerns and advise her to stop leaving baby alone. It will basically be a shot across the bow at first. But it may be enough to give her a scare.
I think YOU should talk to her first if you feel able to.

Highlander · 23/08/2010 09:08

when I was pregnant with DS2, I was bleedsding during the night and DH insisted on driving me to hospital (he said an ambulance was an abuse of the system). We left DS1 asleep in his cot, and DH dropped me at the hospital 10 mins away.

Midwives had no hesitation in calling SS (who were actually very sympatheitc and nice).

Personally, I would speak to the mum, then contact the HV. They know more about the family and are in the best place to make a judgment about whether SS involvement is necessary.

Feenie · 23/08/2010 09:16

Whaaaaattttt?!!! What if there'd been a fire? Jeez. Shock

MandyMcFly · 23/08/2010 09:21

Highlander your DH couldnt have just quickly popped your DS in a carseat? Shock

Fluffypoms · 23/08/2010 09:22

or call a taxi to take you..

tabouleh · 23/08/2010 09:26

OP - I would get your DD out of the situation and "warn" the Mum that you'll report her is she leaves any of the DC alone again.

Has anyone not thought that if OP reports to SS - the other mother will claim that OP's DD left the 18m old. Shock. It will be your word against hers.

Plus is there any chance that your DD misunderstood - eg the mother was saying "don't bother dresssing 18m old - i.e. leave him/her in babygrow" and that when DD reported the crying the mother thought she meant that the 18m old had got upset on the school run?

I think you'll need to get the facts...

grapeandlemon · 23/08/2010 09:27

Wow why couldn't you have called a cab?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 23/08/2010 09:30

Highlander why did you not take your child with you?

tabouleh · 23/08/2010 09:31

Highlander - "DH insisted" - what did you think?

Is your DH normally a controlling twat?

How do you feel now you are on SS's watch list?

Why did you not insist on taking your DS1 with you or calling an ambulance yourself?

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 09:34

"Plus is there any chance that your DD misunderstood - eg the mother was saying "don't bother dresssing 18m old - i.e. leave him/her in babygrow" and that when DD reported the crying the mother thought she meant that the 18m old had got upset on the school run?"

Mum was still at home when dd left for the school run. Which is a bit late for her, but then I don't know where her regular CM lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 09:35

D'oh, can't work now, it's all I can think about

OP posts: