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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is actually serious neglect

245 replies

scatteredbraincells · 23/08/2010 08:11

DD (almost 15) has been working all hours under the sun during the summer to save up for a trip she wants to go to (and has made me very proud [boasting emoticon])

A neighbour asked her if she'd babysit for them this week, as their childminder had had an accident and was in hospital (she's gonna be ok). 9 hours a day, 7am to 4pm, takes 3yo to nursery at 7.30, looks after 18month old, picks up 3yo at 3pm, pretty straighforward stuff. The family has been living next door for 6 years, we know them quite a bit, have BBQs together etc.

DD went for her first day today and has just called me very upset and doesn't know what to do. Apparently when she arrived 3yo was all dressed so she started dressing 18mo for the school run, mum was still there and said "oh, don't bother with him". DD assumed mum was gonna be there until she went back, but she got back to find the baby all alone cryin hysterically to the point of throwing up. She called the mum and the mum said "don't worry, it's what we noramlly do, it's only 15 minutes and he's used to it. A bit of cryin never hurt anybody".

Now I don't know what to do. First of all, apart from cruel I think it's also dangerous to leave such a young child alone in the house, 15 or 20 minutes is a very long time. Secondly, I don't want DD involved if something were to happen.

AIBU and where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Altinkum · 24/08/2010 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smellmycheese · 24/08/2010 11:21

X posted with loopy, who said the same but quicker and clearer than me! Grin

ChippingIn · 24/08/2010 11:25

smellmycheese - I think we are all far more concerned about the child being left home alone, that's why there isn't much to 'discuss' until Scattered comes back. I suppose we're all just 'filling in time' until then, discussing the other issues.

(Must ask.... what's the origin on your name : )

needchildcare · 24/08/2010 11:27

smellmycheese - I agree with you, who really cares if the Op's dd is babysitting or childminding, there is a little toddler being left alone everyday... crazy people...

RooBear · 24/08/2010 11:34

Marking place and waiting for news....

Chipping In- I believe 'smell my cheese' is a quote from the great Alan Partridge

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 24/08/2010 11:39

hi, I'm at work atm and as I left early yesterday and didn't manage to work a lot during the day I have a lot to catch up on, so I haven't manaes to read the last 50 or so posts, but I appreciate all opinions and advice, will read them all tonight, the more thoughts and knowledge put together the better.

I went round and said that DD was very uncomfortable with the situation, I also raised the part-time job thing, as I was almost certain she works full time. DD talked to her about the state of the baby when she walked back in, poor woman started crying.

I won't go into too much detail as it's all very sensitive info (I know she's NOT on here) basically she was gonna wait for DD but husband demanded a lift and he'd hit her if she didn't do as told. She showed me bruises etc., was desperate for help but was also so scared. So bozzare, he looks like one of the most gentle people I know. Apparently he's never touched the kids...

Anyway, she needed a lot of support to do something about it, she took the week off and is going to contact helplines to find out what she should do to get help with vanishing. I don't want her DH to know that I know, as he'll never leave us alone.

I'm still shaken, so unexpected, I'm so glad I went over and pushed her (nicely) to talk... So glad she found the strength to talk.

I'll be back here tonight

OP posts:
tabouleh · 24/08/2010 11:39

I don't believe that babysitting is defined as soley being between 6pm and 2am but I am happy to be proven wrong.

Childcare between 6pm and 2am has been referred to as (babysitting) in brackets in the Ofstead documentation.

Part of the reason for the 6pm - 2am is that looking after a child between these hours in the house of the person caring for the child (babysitter/childminder/nanny/friend whatever) - is exempt from registration - if you only provide care between these hours.

So that means that I could be in business as a babysitter and have other peoples DCs to stay round at my house between 6pm and 2am and I could receive £ for this. I would not have to be registered.

There aren't any definitions of what a nanny/child minder/babysitter are - just definitions of the type of scenarios and how/whether these should be registered.

OP was IIRC interested in some of the posters suggesting that her DD was doing something "illegal". Therefore I feel that exploring these grey areas is of use.

I don't see how this detracts from the issue of an 18m old being left alone.

Anyone is free to join/re-join the thread and exclaim about the foolhardiness of that decision.

mumoffourgirls · 24/08/2010 11:39

Just read the whole thread and marking my place to see what happened when Scattered returns...

mumoffourgirls · 24/08/2010 11:40

x-post

Original poster
scatteredbraincells · 24/08/2010 11:40

excuse appaling spelling

OP posts:
tabouleh · 24/08/2010 11:42

scatteredbraincells bloody well done for dealing with this in such a sensitive way.

Poor lady and her DC. Sad.

Can you make sure she has Women's Aid's details.

HibernoCaledonian · 24/08/2010 11:42

Oh my God Scattered, that is some situation. I hope your neighbour gets all the help she needs and can disappear safely.

Casserole · 24/08/2010 11:45

Oh Scatter Sad

I'm so glad she has you as her neighbour.

tabouleh · 24/08/2010 11:45

scattered - she won't necessarily have to leave - she can get advice about how to get him out of the house.

loopyloops · 24/08/2010 11:47

Well done Scattered. You were right to be concerned, right to talk to her and right to help you. You must feel exhausted, but you and your daughter have done a remarkable thing. Hopefully that woman and her children will now get to safety and you are responsible for this.

If there's anything any of us can do, will you please let us know?

Best wishes, and well done again.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/08/2010 11:51

Oh, wow, scattered.

I'm so so glad you went over there and raised it. Well done. Sorry, that sounds patronising, but what I mean is that if you and your daughter had shrugged this off, that'd be one less person who knew and could help this woman.

So what's the next step?

ChippingIn · 24/08/2010 11:56

scattered thanks for the update despite being very busy. What an awful, awful situation. I hope she gets some help. It must be really, really bad if she feels the need to 'vanish' rather than take appropriate steps to get him out of the house.... knowing what you know, do you not think she would be better to stay where she is (with friends & family support) and get him out & 'had up' for abuse?!

smellmycheese · 24/08/2010 12:04

Good grief scattered! Hope everything works out for her. And you! It's a big responsibility to bear isn't it? I'm in a similar situation to you, except my friend won't leave her dp Sad

As an aside, yey roobear! Tis indeed a partridge-ism. As in 'smell my cheese you mutha!' which I may well extend nn to. Glad someone got it, as a few people have thought it a ref to dubious personal hygeine!

diddl · 24/08/2010 12:15

Good heavens what a dreadful situation.

I hope she manages to sort something out.

She must be really scared if she left the 18month behind!

I would have thought that babysitting is occasional & not long hours tbh.

If this is regular & 7-4 I would think that that falls outside the remit of babysitting tbh.

diddl · 24/08/2010 12:17

All I´ve found so far is this

mumeeee · 24/08/2010 12:35

I would stop your DD babysitting for them. Also go round to your nighbour yourse and explain why your DD isn't going to work for them anymore and to see what she says. If you are not happy with her answer call the Social Sevices. Another thing is that is actually illegal for your DD to work more than 5 hours a day as she is only 14.

mumeeee · 24/08/2010 12:40

scattered. Just seen your last post about the situation. Well done for dealing with it sensitvly and for trying to help.

tabouleh · 24/08/2010 13:16

"Another thing is that is actually illegal for your DD to work more than 5 hours a day as she is only 14." -

It is illegal for someone to employ a 14 year old to work more than 5 hours a day.

OP's DD is not going to get into trouble - she is not doing anything illegal.

The mother is not "employing" her either - there is no contract of employment verbal or written - the DD is doing this "self-employed" as it were.

I think that actually OP's DD should continue to look after those DCs this week so that the mother can access help to get out of the abusive situation.

mumeeee · 24/08/2010 13:20

tabouleh. Sorry I didn't explain myself very well of course the 14 year old is not going to get into any trouble. I meant what you said it is illegal for anyone to employ a 14 year old for more than 5 hours a day.

KickArseQueen · 24/08/2010 13:33

mumeeee, its way beyond that, read the thread.

Scattered, Well done for speaking to her, poor woman, do make sure she has the womensaid info, and I agree with someone else who said she may be better to stay put and get him gone.