to think this is actually serious neglect

[scatteredbraincells]

DD (almost 15) has been working all hours under the sun during the summer to save up for a trip she wants to go to (and has made me very proud [boasting emoticon])

A neighbour asked her if she'd babysit for them this week, as their childminder had had an accident and was in hospital (she's gonna be ok). 9 hours a day, 7am to 4pm, takes 3yo to nursery at 7.30, looks after 18month old, picks up 3yo at 3pm, pretty straighforward stuff. The family has been living next door for 6 years, we know them quite a bit, have BBQs together etc.

DD went for her first day today and has just called me very upset and doesn't know what to do. Apparently when she arrived 3yo was all dressed so she started dressing 18mo for the school run, mum was still there and said "oh, don't bother with him". DD assumed mum was gonna be there until she went back, but she got back to find the baby all alone cryin hysterically to the point of throwing up. She called the mum and the mum said "don't worry, it's what we noramlly do, it's only 15 minutes and he's used to it. A bit of cryin never hurt anybody".

Now I don't know what to do. First of all, apart from cruel I think it's also dangerous to leave such a young child alone in the house, 15 or 20 minutes is a very long time. Secondly, I don't want DD involved if something were to happen.

AIBU and where do I go from here?

right, lunchbreak.

Thank you for the women's aid info. I'll pass it on. I felt so sorry for her, she was sobbing trying to find excuses for her H, how he has changed and he wasn't always like this, and that despite hitting her he's a great hand on dad etc etc. She said she should have never had DS, as this is when it all started. He was colicky and screamed all night, her H stared drinking and hitting her when she couldn't get the baby to stop crying.
She seems to be very defensive of him, "he's a great husband whe he's sober and I know he loevs me really and doesn't mean to hurt me" and other stuff like this.

I'm going to see her tonight, for some reason I have a feeling that she''ll have changed her mind.

DD already has instructions to pop in and ask if they need any help, and to stay around in case neighbour need emergency childcare for a bit. DD doesn't know what's going on, just that it's illegal for her to do all these hours and neighbour decided to take a leave. I've also said I'd match what she's made all summer so she can take her trip. This made her vanish in her room top call all her friends and thankfully forgot all about neighbour. i don't want her involved in this sat all.

I have never dealth with anything like this before, I'm kind of lost. I would have bet my house that they're a happily married couple! I wonder how many other tragic stories are hiding under our noses and we're clueless

She's lucky to have you looking out for her scattered What a horrible situation :(

scattered - here is another resource which you may want to give to your neighbour - it is a checklist to fill out and take to discuss DV with the police.

I think at this stage just see if you can encourage her to ring Women's Aid - they can chat over the phone with her and they won't pressure her into doing anything - just offer advice/support.

I think that you will need to tell her that if you see her leaving her DC alone again you are going to have to take it further - perhaps she can make hew DH aware that you've "noticed" this.

Also does she want him to be able to use this info against her in the future - she may not have thought of that...

Lots of posters in relationships would have usseful advice for you/your neighbour - maybe start a thread there?

scattered sadly I think you are right :( She doesn't sound anywhere near ready to leave her DH.

I think the best thing you can do is give her all the information that you have (now), tell her you are there for her anytime she needs you (if you are??) and stress to her that it is not normal, that her DH is being abusive and he either needs help or she needs to leave - that she can't live like this and it's not good for the children.

Tell her if he is a decent man when he's not drinking, she needs to talk to him when he's sober and explain that he needs help and that if he hits her again he wont see her or the kids for dust!

Mind you - I assume he wasn't hammered when he was making her take give him a lift in the morning and made her leave the baby home alone :(

Tab is right - Relationships is a great board, lots of women with lots of experience and advice (which in itself is very sad, but they are very helpful & supportive).

Oh what a nightmare.

I'm really sorry to say this, but I think that calling Social Services will be the best thing to do if she doesn't leave him in the next couple of days.

I firmly believe in corporate responsibility. You know that they are (even for short amounts of time) neglecting their child(ren). You might not be able to help the relationship, but you can help those children.

It's not fair to you to have to deal with this, but those children need protecting.

Oh Loopy - I disagree hugely. Calling social services would be a nightmare for this poor woman who will then likely get a good 'sorting out' from her husband for bringing trouble to their door....

I don't think she'll be leaving the baby home alone again after having Scatter around there.

God scattered, what a terrible situation. Glad to hear you've managed to get your DD out of the situation though (aside from emergency CC which is fine), and that you're going to see your neighbour later on. I really hope she has the strength to leave the abuse.

Blimy not quite the ending expected.

HUGE WELL DONE to you scattered for following througha and speaking to the mum - by the sounds of it she wanted to tell someone - as she practically invited you round for cake and to discuss.

I do hope your neighbour finds the strentgh to do something about her situation and I agree he should be the one to leave and calling the police my be the only option she has to do this.

best of luck tonight. Please come and talk to us here as you've taken a lot on supporting this lady and we can hopefully support you.

ChippingIn - You are entitled to your own opinion, but having been the child in this scenario, and waiting years before Social Services got involved (then, because I was old and together enough to ask to be put into care), I disagree. I feel for the woman, but the children are more important.

Loopy - I'm really sorry you grew up in that kind of an environment :(

However, we are talking specifically about this situation and it's my belief that this mother can be better helped by being assisted in getting out of this situation than in having SS involved at this stage.

If the mother chooses not to leave or have DH leave and he doesn't get help etc then SS can be called - we're talking weeks, not years.

But, yes, it's only my opinion.

OK Chipping, fair point. I just hope it's all OK. :(

Me too Loopy, me too :(

Blimey!!!

That poor woman. Thank god you went and spoke to her. Sounds like she really needed someone to talk to about it.

Unfortunately if she is defending him so much, I can't see how she is going to leave him. But I hope she bloody does. Bullying thug, making her leave and 18 month old to take him to fucking work. What a fucking tosser. Yes he is a great father isn't he?

Smellmycheese - I think everyone is agreed that leaving the child is wrong - no debate. That's why we've taken to debating the legality instead.

Wow I didnt see that one coming, I think you did the right thing to get your dd out of the situation... Good luck...

Scattered did you go and see her again last night? How did it go??

Another lurker with a message of support. Have followed this thread since you first posted.

Well done to you Scattered for flagging this up and then for sifting through the advice and following through - and well done MN too! Isn't it amazing how a question asked on the internet, has resulted in an isolated and frightened woman having someone to turn to. (She may not be ready to leave now or for some while, but she has made a huge first step in admitting there is a problem.)

I have very vivid memories of a friend who escaped a similar situation years ago, when our dcs were tiny. I had been watching the family together the week before at a party and envying how close they were, and how good he was with the kids! You really can never tell from the outside.

Scattered: good on you for going to talk to her, maybe you've got a ball rolling for her that will improve life for her and her kids. Any more news?

Scattered - how have things been this week??

have read whole thread

regardless of age of who is looking after a child (14yr or 34yrs)an 18mth should not NEVER be left alone while you go out of the house/school run etc

yes i think a 14yr is too young to look after a baby for 9hrs a day, she is being a nanny, not babysitting, bs is in evening not daytime care

your neighbour needs to call womans aid and get help, it is obvious that she wont call for help as she is too scared

if your neighbour does leave the toddler home alone again, you need to call ss/hv/police

maybe you can talk to the cm, you are between a rock and a hard place and sure you feel that you cant do anything incase you make things worse